Post 88

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted on 19-06-2011

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I often find myself looking to confide in someone but in all the wrong places. I’ve always known I can be naive and too trusting. But what else can I do? There are all these expectations for me to be this normal healthy person but i’ve had so many doors shut in my face, I need to hear something different, find a more whole perspective of life, and just see if everyone does think the same of me. Sometimes I wonder why i’m willing to talk to people at all, since clearly i’m not worth the time of day. Can I ever find what I need emotionally? Do I deserve to? I don’t mean to keep putting people off by being so self-deprecating. They say i’ve no self-esteem, it’s just my fashion. Maybe i’m just permanently broken. Beyond repair. Or maybe i want to be.

Post 63

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos, Wish List | Posted on 24-01-2011

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So I finally went out and bought Overnight Socialite by Bridie Clark, and so far I really love it. It’s so amazing how all-encompassing an anthropological perspective can be. Since Aniza’s piano lesson was at Yamaha Parade this morning, my sister took me to MPH during to look for my book, and while I was there I considered LA Candy which I always said that I wanted so much, but I was disappointed at how spaced out the print was! Also, it’s very expensive so I thought I would wait till next time. I’m so behind, I haven’t read LA Candy and I still have Sweet Little Lies to read. On another note, I really want to watch Pretty Little Liars. I wasn’t that impressed with one episode that I wasn’t fully able to understand/follow, but it seemed juicy.

Time for another wish list! I can’t believe how indulgent i’m being.

  • Fallen Lauren Kate
  • Torment A Fallen Novel Lauren Kate

Yes, the same series, what a list, i know. I don’t know when i’ll ever get started on those but I hope I get the chance to one day.

I shouldn’t be doing this. Being indulgent is one of the main things I (and we all) hate about my dad. All the lounging about, excessive sleeping, decadent food. It all screams elitist and hedonistic. I can’t believe i’m an equally vapid and ostentatious brat who is desperate for any kind of unnecessary luxury. I never imagined I would end up this bad. Me, sinking as low as my dad, into further depths of depravity. I hate that I succumb so much to things like tv, music, expensive food. I have absolutely no self-control and it’s really humiliating. Today, my sister made chocolate tart, and I had one slice after lunch and two slices after dinner. Besides how overly forbearing i am with my cravings, I clearly have to curb my addiction to caffeine!

I asked my mom something that I never even thought of talking about with her — her first date. She herself was surprised that a) i’m only asking her now and b) she never felt the need to tell anyone herself. Well, she was sixteen, and she wore  a short-sleeved top with a l0ng skirt, and it was dinner at a steakhouse and a movie. Okay, I have to think of more questions to ask my mom about her life omfg! I mean, I know a lot of people who have a lot of stuff to say about their lives but are no longer as lucid as they used to be. Actually, i’m no longer as lucid as i used to (or am supposed to) be.

  

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