Tag Archives: gif

16 June, 2020

That excitement and amusement from a simple exchange via text conversation, I never knew that was a feeling I’d find unfamiliar and have to try to remember. So many things are just so lost to me. Something so normal to everyone else in the world. I never thought that the most comfortable thing in the world to me would be turning away from someone and walking off.

This is the best place for me to exist. The best way for anyone to see what I am. I don’t know how I was ever that person that I used to be. I don’t even recognise that person anymore. I don’t think I can cope with the disappointment from people when they can’t find that in me anymore.

There’s no way that I can even begin to explain what happened. I remember being asked that as early as when I was sixteen. I still hope for things. That is still something that I know how to do – have hope. Just not for what you might think.

So much to get over, to have to deal with, let go of. I just don’t know where it will all lead. Everyone has this clear picture of exactly what happiness looks like. Nothing was ever fair to begin with. It was all a set up, and no matter how soon I found out, it wouldn’t have helped.

Those small things – being asked for, being looked for, being asked about. The evident good intentions behind trying then inevitably giving up. They were all so fleeting but all so important to me. This is why I don’t think it’s true that i’m unhappy. I definitely value it and hold onto it. I have that to remember.

30 November, 2016

This is your movie, the rest of us are just watching it. It’s your world and I just live in it.

So i’ve been working on cleaning up all the spam that’s been accumulating in my comments. Believe me, i really do miss the times when my comments were open and you didn’t have to register with my site. I don’t know how everything got so complicated. Truth is, if not for spam, who else is going to comment on my blog?

Time and time again, everything that happens in my life shows me that no one reads my blog. I mean, had they read it, they would certainly have some answers to the questions they have about what i might be upset about.

When I think about the car accidents I’ve been in, I really have to wonder what I actually avoided. It was never raining, and it was always during the day. Coming out of the other end unscathed with everyone else taking the fall and helping me out of it, what were they really trying to accomplish? I’m here now, but that doesn’t really help anyone either.

Growing up, my mom told me to be thankful for my siblings, that i’m lucky to have been born into such a big family. There was nothing that I brought to the table that someone else couldn’t. No one else would ever care about me as much as my family does. This is as good as it would ever get for me. And if I didn’t like it, there wouldn’t be any point looking for anything else cause there would be nothing better. No one else would feel i’m worth anything. Except maybe a menial task. Or two. Because that’s how easily people can replace me.

So it’s the finale week of Neighbours. Everyone is wrapping up their year. In neat, brightly-coloured bows. Everyone i know has their storylines for the year coming to a close, with things to celebrate, and accomplishments to talk about. And things to look forward to next year. It doesn’t take much for me to be reminded of my dread for holiday season – it doesn’t even have to be that close, or in my face. It’s strange; when I was younger I loved the decorations at the all malls, and was eager to take photos with christmas trees. I don’t think it’s necessarily that things changed, rather they just went downhill. Just add another item to the list of things I hate. Good things just don’t last. People don’t run out of kindness to you, they just move on to better things.

19 November, 2012

So apparently aethereality.net has closed down! So has blinding-light.com! My favourite is in-genesis.com, and it’s still running. I visited day dream graphics after so long. I used to submit my work to day dream graphics in hope that they’ll publish it. Of course, back then no one considered what I did as art. In fact, even now people still don’t recognize it, thinking of it as less than doodling. Anyway, everyone’s asking each other how many days off they get from their respective jobs, and whether or not they get a long weekend. I don’t mind people asking me how much I make, to which the answer is none. I don’t mind people asking me about still living with my parents. In fact, i kind of like to hear about their jobs. What I do mind is their opinion about my unemployment. It’s so much more complicated than something I can just explain to someone I just met. My life is complicated. I can’t make it more palatable for you. I don’t understand, they seem to think that they can read me and my circumstances instantly, but that’s not the truth, cause there’s so much more to it. I guess I let myself fall into the category of conversation based on the occassional dye-job compliment. After which is followed by a lull.

5 August, 2012

It’s that time of year again. Soon, i’ll meet so many relatives, and i’ll have to explain to them yet again that i’m here, unemployed, and not overseas like their children. It’s my first Raya without my oldest sister, so I expect i’d be really upset that day. When I woke up this morning I felt my heart beating so fast, it was almost blaring in my ears. I don’t know if it’s that usual thing that happens to me when Raya approaches — I somehow have less appetite and eat in such a reluctant way. I managed to finish my food last night and this morning, but I was surprised by how quickly I felt full. I wasn’t satisfied and wanted to eat more, taste more things, but I was already at my limit, how disappointing. I feel like lately everything bad that could happen did. I haven’t explained here about this girl who told all her friends that I was the one who sent her a hate mail. I don’t even understand why I came under fire for that cause she and I talked a lot, and I thought she knew me. Yesterday I could barely get up, I was in so much pain. I think if i’m not careful I might end up a lot worse, but I feel like taking care of myself at this point is taking so much effort.

 

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