Okay, PDRM roadblocks everywhere. Cause of the Bersih campaign thingy? I’m confused. Apparently it’s expected to go on till next week? cause there’s concern for public safety? And there’s a rally of some sort? I just know that everyone’s having trouble getting to work today, like with the three-laner at Segi converted to one lane. The jam is pretty severe, lotsa angry people. Everyone is not happy that the popos are doing roadblocks but they haven’t caught the acid splasher. Someone please explain to me!

Oh my my. Already at post 96. Soon i’ll hit the 100 mark. It doesn’t feel as special as I thought it would be. I don’t want to be like this. Old, scared, clinging to a life that no longer exists.

I’ve been struggling for so long trying to figure out if I want to be myself or like everyone else. Both aren’t much fun. If I try to act and charade my way through life, would there be any point in living? When people talk to me and expect cookie-cutter appropriate reactions, am I wasting my time mimicking social norms rather than making an emotional connection with someone? Does this even make sense?

A lot of people don’t understand the difference between caring and caretaking. Honestly, I’m not so sure myself. I do know that if you care, you’ll be there for someone when they get hurt. If you’re a caretaker to someone, you’re coddling them when they don’t need you to. As children, we often see these two roles so closely blended which isn’t a surprise as most relationships modelled to us are far more complicated than they should be. A lot of kids have their heads filled with ideas that they have the ability to hold people together or break them apart, namely their parents. These expectations are too high even for young adults. No one should have to shoulder that much responsibility for other people’s relationships. That’s what a caretaker is. It’s all very puzzling to me.

Is my life just intervals of stability? All this time have I just kept doing the same thing and hoping for a different result? I honestly don’t know how i’ll cope with more difficult things that adults face when I can’t even muster the courage to confront the real issues that I have now.