Post 335

It’s strange, not just difficult. Everyday occurring similarly but it still feels like a new unpleasant surprise. I have no recourse and everyone can see that. Hard to watch, can’t look away. Pathetic. I’m just on thin ice, reacting everyday, keeping a precarious balance between some semblance of self-care and just surviving, even when there doesn’t seem to be much point. Seeing that even people much more capable still struggle, it really makes me wonder how I still manage to have hope for things, or maybe it’s just my compulsion to see what happens next.

Everything’s happened already. Every nice moment has already been and gone. Anyone who could’ve reached out already had. Every encouraging or reassuring text had already been received and read. I’ve already seen people’s kindness. I’d rather remember it how it is. That’s all, enough, why the insistence to stick around wanting more?

People have such amazing resilience, even from such devastation. It’s one of the amazing things to admire when I look around at people. It’s scary, cause not everyone can just start over every time. And sometimes you just can’t cause some things are permanent. But they always find a way. I don’t know if I want to, or if I even can.

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