Post 323

I wish I could write more today, because new year’s eve is important to me. I feel that this day tends to reveal more truths to me than any other day in the whole year. Just now, someone texted back saying she couldn’t make it, and you would think that I’d be disappointed but I’m actually grateful. It just goes to show how often I instead just get ignored.

I really hated 2017. And I’m not just talking about the things that happened in my life. We lost Jonghyun. It was a terrible year in the strangest ways, and that’s without ignoring the good things, which were few and far between anyway. Granted that progress takes time, there was progress in the world nonetheless this year. The world has a long way to go but believing your victims is a good start. And this year gave me The Bold Type and Big Little Lies.

I have lived through enough to know that 2018 absolutely won’t be better, especially not just because its a new year with ‘untapped potential, a blank slate, a fresh start, another chance’. There’s no escape from self-hatred, certainly not just by a difference in date. Every second that goes by, I’m just getting older and that much closer to death, so there’s honestly nothing for anyone to see here. It’s okay, because I have plenty to keep me busy in the meantime. I don’t have time to wait for something good to happen, because I’ll be too busy dreading everything that could happen.

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