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So i’m really out here, with a public twitter, instagram and snapchat profile. Like actually putting myself out there, as if i’m going to get interactions from followers in return. Way before my social media, I had this blog. When i think about my life before twitter, honestly it makes me really sad. Anyway, I was always here, publicly on my blog. So much information about me out in the open for anyone to read. I really thought I was super accessible. I still do think that. I guess what I was looking for wasn’t necessarily approval from everyone, but just from the right people. You can’t say that I made myself completely closed off from everyone and made it impossible for you to keep in touch with me.

Tomorrow morning is the TCAs. Not the Television Critics Association. The Teen Choice Awards. I know, I’m way over the target age group. It’s always been one of my favourite events. And not just because PLL has consistently cleaned up every year. I don’t know, I wish I could watch live, and join in on the live tweets, and be in on it, maybe even know what all the other normal people feel like.

People always ask me, why can’t you just get along with your sister? It’s as if all she is to me is my sister. Just my older sister who’s two years older than me, and went to the same music teachers with. And I was always the one making things so difficult, when all I had to do was just get on the matching roller skates, show up at the birthday parties, just smile for the family photos. Like just being with my sister, talking to her, spending time with her is the same way everyone else is with their sister. I don’t know if I’ve ever met someone who didn’t overlook how she’s so much more than that. Maybe someone might eventually come down from their conventional two-parent-household-high-horses and see how my relationship with her is so much more complicated than just brother-and-sister because I depend on her for everything and she was the only one there for me through so much. Having my older sister around, and being as close as possible to her at all times, it’s because I was always too scared to fully learn how to live any other way, and, from having so few people to trust even in such a big family, I would pick people to put on a pedestal and could never see anyone as anything other than either more or less than my sister. Yes I’m sure there are so many people who wouldn’t understand cause they didn’t know what growing up like that is like and it’s not their fault. But yes, I do blame them for thinking that everyone else had their same conventional upbringing.

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