Post 295

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 30-12-2016

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Sometimes, everything in your life could look really good, especially on paper. You’re where you want to be, and you’ve found that predictability and normalcy that fulfils your body’s desperate need for healthy routines. But life is funny, in that you could somehow just feel that you’re sitting next to the wrong person, that you feel their smile just isn’t wide enough, your hands never felt quite right together, or their name always sat odd on your tongue when saying it. Sometimes there’s just no exact reason or explanation for what your heart wants, and you find yourself attempting to smile about things the way your friends expect a person who’s so close with their family would.

There’s this thing that i had in the past. This habit, where i would put certain people on a pedestal. Everyone seems to think i have such impossible standards. But the truth is, i really don’t think it takes much to get on my good side. I’m so easily impressed, and if you’ve seen me gush about colleagues or bosses you would even think i’m really naive, easily influenced, and so trusting of people who so much as give one polite commendation. You really could just say you’re a vegetarian, you recycle, support neopronouns, have awareness about marginalised groups, or just know how to use the influence you have for those not as privileged as you; and you’d be on my shortlist. Everyone sometimes does things that are driven by the qualities they wish they had. My motivations just happen to be the things that i don’t like about myself. It’s a complicated thing, when how you feel about yourself affects so much your interactions with people around you.

So anyway, here i am again. Another new year’s eve, desperately trying to cling to this ending year because i’m so afraid of what’s to come. Everyone around me has their plans with important people for ringing in the new year. For me, regardless what the date is, it’s just another day waiting for something that’s never gonna happen. I’ll always just be me. It’s something that I always thought I wanted, but i’m transparent enough that people are able to see right through that, before I even realised it myself.

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