I’ve spent years trying to avoid the question of what i have to offer. Some people are too difficult to have around. What they say, the things they do, it can get exhausting. When people shift in their seat across from me, the lull in the conversation makes it clear that i’m just time they’ll never get back.
If the seatbelt alarm goes off it’s always me. Someone to criticise, someone to blame, sure, but that’s pretty much it. There’s not much i’m good for.
I don’t think i could even call myself human. That i could even come close to being a real person. It’s something I wish i could have. I want that feeling of being like them, people with places to be, people that deserve respect and dignity. It was long ago, but I remember being around people. Birthday parties, collecting exam results, prize-giving ceremonies. That instance when someone considers how you feel when they choose what to say to you, I remember it clear as day and i want to keep it with me forever. I felt younger than I really was, among people who were so generous, I didn’t realise it wouldn’t last. I really thought I could mean something to someone, and now i’m here, recognising my false hopes for what they really were. They have important things in their lives now. There’s just no reason for them to want me especially now. Without anything left for me to hide behind, you can see i’m not worth anything.
Sometimes in life, things happen, it can consume you, and you can lose sight of yourself. I didn’t even know who I was. And now here i am a decade later, still unable to drag myself out from underneath it all.
Be true to yourself, follow your heart, live each day to the fullest, and it will lead you to your happiness. You deserve it. But it’s not for everyone. And I just don’t think it’s for me.
This, like most others, is an uncategorised post, because if you want to know me, you wouldn’t categorise my feelings.