Before I get to it, those of you who paid attention to my tweets, thank you for recognising what songs I like to listen to lately.
If i didn’t say anything, does it automatically mean that i was okay with it?
When i’m being blamed for things that aren’t my fault, what it means to me is that my worth as an individual is being redefined to me on someone else’s terms. The truth is I am less than other people. It’s not just a feeling I get when i’m being spoken to a certain way. I just have to decide whether or not I want to be constantly reminded of it. I can know myself and not seek validation for it from someone else. Or I could expect someone else to appreciate the good things about me. It’s a choice, and if someone doesn’t think i’m worth talking to nicely it’s not their fault. That’s just who they are.
Having someone in your life is actually very complicated, and most people won’t cut out someone from their life because interpersonal relationships develop and change, and their value comes from that. I never knew that. The fact of just having a human connection with another person at all. That by itself is already valuable to a person. I was never trying to be black and white about everything in my life. Maybe i had hatred that was difficult for me to let go of. My defense was that my feelings were valid, and that if you didn’t care how what you said or did would affect how I feel, then I shouldn’t care about you. I was so into myself. I figured if I wasn’t going to be, then who will. I wanted to be a priority to someone, but I didn’t think I was taking anything out on other people. I don’t want anyone to make me crawl to them. I don’t want them to want that from me. I thought I was being very take-it-or-leave it with who I am. And well, leave it they did.
No one seems to want to believe that i actually deserve anything from anyone. Or that a person could talk to me and care about me even though they didn’t have to. I’m not here to compare everyone to a perfect ideal. I’m not putting anyone on a pedestal. I just have nothing to say to someone who doesn’t feel like I have anything to say.
Throughout the years I always asked myself about my actual audience here. When I first started my blog I thought I was so clear about why i’m doing this. I was so sure of myself, and that I loved what I was doing and that I didn’t need anything more than just being able to express myself.
I mean, sure, people could read my blog if they wanted to know about me. The fact that it’s a very big if aside, I don’t know anymore what anyone could gain from that. If they’re in front of me but had never read my blog or tweets or viewed my stories, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to know about me. And in person, i’m really not that difficult to read. It’s just difficult for me to read people.
When it approaches the end of the year, well, it’s never a good thing for me. And i’m realising now that it affects a lot of people.
I wrote the rest of this blog post in a different link (http://pastebin.com/hthjdwEt) , which I will later delete. Either way, i’m definitely going to edit this blogpost. I don’t belong to anyone. I don’t want you to use my feelings and weaknesses as leverage to get what you want, or to make things more convenient for you.