For so long, I was happy to have work as an excuse to not have time for anything else. Maybe I wasn’t being compensated enough, I wouldn’t know, and I somehow decided I didn’t have to know. Maybe I didn’t care. Maybe it was hard for me to see past what I was doing in the next few minutes, let alone know where I want to be in a year. There are so many beautiful things in this world, and there are so many kind, generous, beautiful, amazing people who get to be part of it. There were always so many things in my personal life that I kept putting off. So many hard truths about myself that I didn’t want to confront, and being busy conveniently gave me a way to run from them.
I thought that if I had twitter, oovoo, wechat, Line, i could see who contacts me and how often. I somehow believed I was in a position to test other people and see how much they care about me. I treated every passing day as just time used to wait for something good to happen, for someone to contact me, for me to discover the truth about people around me. I didn’t think that if I wanted to be significant in someone’s life, I’d have to do something significant for them. My habit of putting people on a pedestal actually pushed away friends that I had right in front of me, because I was so obsessed with holding people up to impossible standards that I didn’t appreciated the few people around me.
If you believe in love, in its power, and you conduct your life with respect of its sanctity, then it’ll always be there to serve you. I look back at everything that I went through growing up, and I think it led me to have developed a skepticism about family as an institution. There can be so many different matrices by which to know a person’s worth. You have to know what you want, what you expect from yourself, and it will guide you to what kind of person you want to be. But if you can’t think for yourself, and let other people think for you, then you have to do everything based on what they think of you. If I knew my own values, I would know what would make me proud of myself. But instead, I just end up resenting that I’m not a more useful person.