Well it’s that time of year again. It feels like the holiday season starts earlier and earlier each year. Right after halloween a certain house already started hanging up christmas lights. This year I don’t think i’ll be doing much of the holiday traditions – holiday shopping, taking photos at each mall, trying whatever new Christmas drink is available at Starbucks. I don’t think i’ll have time, and not having Alina around, there wouldn’t be much point. That’s me, living my life according to everyone else’s. It’s really sad that i’m wearing pretty much the same thing in every other photo.
I feel like there have been things that happened lately that made me feel better. For instance, Paige visited. I think feeling happiness after so long was something so unfamiliar. Unfortunately, all visits end, and seeing her leave wasn’t that great. I think there were some changes that allowed me to revisit past moments in my life and look at them, rather than hide from my feelings. There were a lot of things that didn’t change, such as this person that I really hate who continues to intrude where she doesn’t belong. I still have to live with certain betrayals that I continue to face. Constantly being in question about who you can trust is difficult. A lot of past traumatic experiences still have their pervading consequences, and it’s a struggle trying to provide the people around me with as much acting-normal as I can.
I really hope to go watch Horrible Bosses 2 as soon as possible. I know for a fact I won’t have time to go watch it if I wait too long. I was disappointed about Jen Aniston getting snubbed by the Independent Spirit Awards. Considering the cast for Cake, I was surprised that the film wasn’t featured in, for example the Palm Springs Film Festival, or maybe it could be attributed to the lack of trailer, until this week. I was really sad that my yfrog account was deleted – along with all my yfrog photos. There are also a lot of holes in my imageshack account. So many images are just missing. It’s a lesson in making sure you choose a secure service for image hosting.
As I have announced earlier this year, I will not be posting avidly on my instagram account. As I mentioned, I had a lot of experiences, and after going through so much, posting images on instagram doesn’t feel as fun as it used to be. I unfortunately still have a lot of reservations with my twitter account as well. I can’t seem to tweet as much as I used to, cause I know that I can never feel the same again, and I feel like pretending like nothing’s wrong only hurts. I am, however, still following people, and reading my feeds. I am grateful for the few new twitter followers I gained, and I think being able to look at twitter at all after facing so much despair as I did, is a huge step forward. I felt that enjoyment in reading my feed, which I wasn’t able to feel for a long time. I only today opened Photoshop again, and it’s been really long. I almost felt like I was looking directly at my past. I unfortunately don’t think i’ll have time to use Photoshop much anymore, and that makes me sad. Back when things were different, when i was able to feel happy, Photoshop was so much fun. I think it’s pretty insane that i’m still using my same laptop at all after 4 years.
All I want, all I ever wanted, is to know who are the people that I can trust, and to know for sure who are the people who care about me and want to be in my life. For someone to reach out to me, and take an interest in how I feel. For everything to finally mean something. Maybe i’ll know what it’s like for everyone else who always has someone to talk to, and have someone interested in what they have to say.