Very few people will be there for you until the end. The people you care about are either taken from you or driven away. I have to be careful about who I trust. I made many mistakes, and I had to learn the hard way that not everyone talks to you because they are concerned about you. When things are good, it’s easy for someone to assure you that they’ll always be there. You can have people to turn to. But that’s totally different from having people who will actually be there for you. It’s scary, but no one will hesitate to leave you behind. Because they have their eyes on their prize. No one’s going to look back at you. You have to be the one to turn to them, and have a plan in case you’re disappointed. Being a disappointment to others does not exempt you from being disappointed by others. And the same person can do both to you.
It’s that time of year again, and we’re graced by yet another single from T-ara. I never thought I would write about it. If anything, the return of Nashville should be something that I write about – the emotional affliction of a desperate and abandoned Juliet while Rayna makes a difficult choice between Luke and Deacon. In fact, entertainment-wise, the premiere of Greys’ final season deserves a whole recap and analysis blogpost. Speaking of Shonda Rhimes, there’s also the pilot of the much-anticipated How to Get Away With Murder. I wonder when i’ll get around to watching either of these. Anyway, last year, T-ara’s Number Nine really resonated with me. Especially considering everything that was going on and that i’m still going through now. Sugar Free shows that a person no matter how strong doesn’t simply walk out of a bad experience, and your interaction with people is the first thing to be affected and the last thing to be mended.
My data gets renewed in 2 days! Now that i’m older, there aren’t many things to look forward to anymore. When so many things have lost their novelty, and bad experiences plague your day-to-day errands, you resort to celebrating reaching home before your phone battery runs out. At the same time, you dread the approaching new day, which no longer feels as much like a clean slate as it used to.
I have to decide for myself what’s important to me. But I never got the chance to. Ever since I was young, i was always told that everyone else has it harder, and that I shouldn’t want anything more. Completing a given task is always more important than anything I could want to do for myself. I value my time, but their time is more valuable.
“All I want is to have friends like a normal person with a normal life”
It was always made very clear to me whether or not I was normal. And if I deserved any of the perks normal people had. Friends and time with them. Those are such valuable privileges. Looking at everyone around me, I was really jealous. At first I didn’t care that it wasn’t allowed to me. But because a normal life wasn’t a privilege that was mine, it was all taken away from me.
Doing something for someone makes you vulnerable. You have to be careful and guard yourself. My mom told me that I should learn to say no. But rules only work for the person who made them up.
When I had to spend most of 2004 and 2005 in Sungai Buloh, I didn’t realise how distance affects you. A task of simply spending weekends and holidays at another house sounded simple. But there were so many things still up in the air. There was so much uncertainty, and seeing someone’s behaviour to you in that circumstance can teach you a lot. Seeing someone act on their priorities teaches you how much you matter to them. I followed my family for a family vacation in 2007 and 2008. I was naive, and allowed myself to walk into something I already was very apprehensive about. Discovering your apparent purpose to someone leaves a mark on you, for a very long time. If there’s one thing I could have changed, it would be to ask for help less. Because everyone expects something in return. But they will never give you anything for helping them. Do not ever assume that a person will remember what you did for them. Experiences help you to learn to make better choices in the future. And since I had a lot of bad experiences, I should know who to speak to, who to trust, and where not to go.