Okay so this is my 235th post. Yesteday my uncle, @akah1956 visited, and dropped off a birthday present for me! I can’t believe that after so long, he still remembered, and thought of me. I had to rush off to send Adila for music class 5 minutes later, not that I ever have much to say anyway. Unfortunately, it’s been a pretty rough past year, and although it was really great seeing him, something that nice is sadly not enough to make things any better. So much has happened, and after what i’ve seen I can’t be the same again. I guess people are always going to ask why my gaze seems distant, or why i keep looking away.
I think it’s good that I spent new year’s eve and new year’s day alone, because it really puts things into perspective. You should never let someone make you believe that they care about you, you have to decide that for yourself. Don’t expect someone to be there for you just because you were there for them. You must decide what it is you want, and if that isn’t it, then you have to speak up. I should be comfortable enough to trust a person before allowing myself to. I shouldn’t do anything out of obligation. I know what I look for in a person, so I shouldn’t believe someone who tells me that no one will care about me more than they do. I shouldn’t let someone tell me what I am worth. I have to know it myself.
Family is important. You read that and hear it a lot. But what you have to pay attention to, is what family means. They may be people who are related to you, but if they don’t care about you or have been there for you, then maybe you need to reconsider who really is important to you.
Who knows, someone might be reading my blog. If not, then I guess I was wrong to think that anyone cares about me. I know that i’m going to keep posting blogposts here. Misty has been there for me and hosted my blog all these years, so I know this is something worth keeping, and that she’s someone worth trusting.
It’s great to have a relationship with your dad, but if you don’t, that’s okay. You don’t have to seek affirmation and validation about yourself from your dad. Today’s definition of family is very different. Or rather, the state of today’s family is very different. There are a variety of reasons for me not to want to have an ongoing father-son relationship with my dad, and so I don’t need to feel that i’m better than him to not want to spend time with him.