Post 230

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 05-04-2014

12

Once upon a time, S asked me to meet either during or after lunch to talk about something we were supposed to be working on. Then, i told S that I was going to lunch with C and that i’ll go over the thing with her when i get back. I wasn’t driving, and neither was C and I was taken around for a good 2 hours, effectively blowing off S. I apologised to her and told her it’s cause I wasn’t driving. And then I talked to V and she said that maybe subconsciously I wanted to sabotage her cause I didn’t like her, especially after the things that she did. I was very worried. About what I was capable of. I thought I was making progress. I thought I was taking steps to being an honest person. There is something that is making me do things to people without thinking of the consequences. Or probably, knowing that I shouldn’t but doing it anyway.

There are clearly unresolved things in my past. I clearly have an issue with one family member. There are just things that I have never let go until now. And because of that  a lot of people around me are affected. Very often i’m afraid to say it. I don’t think i want to have a relationship with my dad. I still hold a grudge towards him. I know it’s not good to be so angry at someone for so much of my life, but I don’t want to let it go. I don’t seem to. I have been looking for a chance for my revenge on him ever since I could remember. I’ve had a lot of fights with my dad. I’ve cried and screamed and shouted a lot. Am I still throwing a tantrum? Is all that family conflict something that builds character in someone? Is my constant need for someone’s approval and susceptibility to being used related to my experiences with my dad? Is all that family conflict a phase that should be over by now? Is going through something like that a part of growing up? Do I realize who i’ve made suffer because of it? There is a lot going on, there is a lot wrong with me. Most days I hide under the covers. Unwilling to face the reality, of the bounds of things I have to change about myself. I don’t know where to start. And then, you’ll tell me the most important thing is to start, even if it’s anywhere.

I will never know what it was I wanted from my dad. At one point of my life, I wanted him to change. At another point in my life, I wanted him to realize what he did and apologize to the corresponding people for it. I know that right now I want to see him suffer for what he did. I know that it’s not right. A part of me feels like it’s because i’ve lived with him my whole life, that no one else can possibly know what he really is.

Go ahead, push me. Dole out that tough love that is so good at making everyone else build character and change for the better. Disregard the fact that sometimes facing it before you even get back up on your own two feet will overwhelm you. You can rationalize all you want and say that you’re motivating me. There are many ways and many directions that you can push a person. You can just as easily push them right off a cliff. I’d like to see how you sleep at night then.

Comments posted (12)

.

tnx for info!!

.

ñïàñèáî çà èíôó.

.

ñïàñèáî çà èíôó!

.

ñýíêñ çà èíôó.

.

áëàãîäàðþ.

.

ñïñ çà èíôó!!

.

tnx for info!

.

ñïàñèáî çà èíôó.

.

ñýíêñ çà èíôó.

Write a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.