Post 226

Okay it’s been a really tumultuous past few years. I’m not just talking about the car accidents, all the fall outs that I had with almost everyone i ever had in my life, and everything that was going on in the world that I missed. Seeing all the interactions between people I trusted with people i hated really shocked me. Talking to someone that you told me was going to be gone and out of our lives forever is one thing. Being super BFFs with them is another. And I, only being able to watch, completely helpless, unable to stop it, without anyone listening to me, that’s the worst part. I’m forced to watch this go on and on. She totally knew that I had no choice but to trust her with everything. And she still went behind my back and did that as if it was so direly necessary. A person comes around, ruins your life, leaves, and then allows you to think that it’s gonna be over, but actually they’re still making you miserable from thousands of miles away. At first, you think, oh I guess they just talk from time to time. And then, they just contact each other more often, in more ways, and become so much closer? And then I start to think that if the person I thought I trusted is so willing to be such close friends with my nemesis, then what does that say about my choices and who I put my trust in? Spending national day and malaysia day wallowing in my tears, christmas and new years alone at home; all of it made clear how prepared I am to spend the rest of my life alone. I may not be a wailing mess right now, but I still feel exactly the same I did that day. Even if it didn’t get better, I was far from prepared for it to get worse. N calls it Murphy’s Law. Rolls eyes. I can’t believe information about where I was got leaked to people who had absolutely no business knowing. They had nothing to do with any of this. Because I know how this looks to someone who doesn’t really have anything to do with it, I know that them knowing is only going to make them worry unnecessarily. I kept the details of my car accident only in my immediate family for that very reason. My whereabouts no longer being secret doesn’t mean anyone is going to come looking for me, cause let’s face it, when I was within convenient range for everyone it’s not like they wanted to take an interest anyway. I feel like i’ve lost so much already. The last thing I need was for me to lose all my secrets too. I’m like trying to hold on to something, looking for something that I could even grasp. But I have nothing left. My nemesis won. Game over. Well it wasn’t a game for me, this was my life! And she had to play god and decide on a whim that she wants to ruin it.

If you read my blog, then you would have gone through this, this, and this link. If you’ve never been through to any of those URLs then clearly you don’t even know my name or who i am. Which means that the only reason you’re reading this blog is if someone opened it on your computer and then left it there. Or someone forced you to read it. There are ways of keeping updated about me. If you read my blog, you would know that Orange Is The New Black is my only exception to violence on tv. Save for Buffy and Angel. If you wanted to know how I am or what’s going on with me, you would have read on twitter that I am so hanging on to every minute of Lindsay on OWN TV. If you want me to make everything convenient and easy for you, then clearly you wouldn’t have ever read any of this in the first place, and I probably would never speak to you.

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