No, i’m not happy – far from it. Yes, i do have things to be thankful for such as my life, my health, a roof over my head, the meal I had today. I’m desperately reaching out to my cousins, the only people who whatsapped me back saying happy new year. But i’m being 100% honest when I say that this beyond the worst new year’s eve ever. Tonight at midnight i’m going to be alone at home, in bed, staring at the ceiling. No gathering, no friends, no photos of which to post. I have nothing. I had to watch everyone else be with the people they care about and talk about the plans that they’ve made to celebrate everything they’ve achieved this year. Instagram is gonna be full of everyone’s new year’s eve photos. I’m having dinner by myself at home. No countdown, and I don’t even know what other people are doing to celebrate. I don’t even know what’s going on in the world, cause I have no one to hear about it from. No twitter replies, and look at my blogposts. Half of the comments are by me. If it wasn’t for my younger sister I wouldn’t have any at all. Sure, I have my family. But guess what? They’re not even by my side! I’m completely alone today and tomorrow.
Everything that happened this year, the loss, the pain, the frustration, the disaster, I don’t know what i’m supposed to have left or how to go on. I lost so much, it’s been so hard. I hated this year. And after all this struggle I still couldn’t make anything better. I’m in exactly the same state I was in that day on 29 August. How can I go onto 2014 if i’m still not done trying to fix everything that happened to me in 2013? I can’t move forward like everyone else after everything that’s happened.
Everyone else has so much to be excited for. So much to look forward to. So much to be happy about. And it’s all being wrapped nicely for them. Everyone else has new lives, new beginnings to wake up to tomorrow. 2013 came and just ate away at my self-confidence, leaving me to feel completely lost and alone. And now it’s just going to end and leave me. With nothing.