Well just because i’m better off alone doesn’t mean I like it. I wish I was like all those populars cause they’re so cheerful and fun to hang out with, that people couldn’t leave them alone if they tried. I wish I could have that kind of personality so that I could be accepted. I was never able to copy the correct behaviour that society expected of me. I want to end this struggle that I have had my whole life. I could never pretend well enough to be normal. I always be myself instead. The populars always have something funny to say, they’re always making fun plans. Together. Those are the girls who always had people around them and was constantly in conversation. To be in constant adoration. I’ll never know what it’s like to be those people.
At least being alone lets me hear my own thoughts. At least I have some space to exist. Since I don’t know how else to be other than myself, I need that privacy to not be pressured into doing something that i don’t want to. Or be told how to think and what to feel. I suppose I should take advantage of this. And just breathe.
Just because I get to be with my family and take lots of photos and eat lots of food and see places, doesn’t mean i’m going to enjoy stressful arrangements packing and long plane rides. Just because I opt out in order to avoid the stressful packing and travel itineraries doesn’t mean i’m happy to forego the trip either. In my life, everything’s always been damned if you do, damned if you don’t. And then people will tell me, since you’re still damned, then might as well do it! And then i’m just left to exhale sharply in exasperation. No one believes me, but my hands are tied! This isn’t a choice that I get to make, i’m just a slave to circumstance. Everything that happened in my life forced me to make decisions that i’m never necessarily happy with. I mean have none of you ever been in debt before? So here I am.