It’s amazing what people try to control when they feel like they’re not in control.
How do you think I would feel? Why would you want me to act like i’m fine? The more i pretend i’m happy, the worse i’ll feel. Yes you can say no, it’s your life! Talking about what I don’t need isn’t going to help me. There’s no use complaining about being manipulated if I keep surrounding myself with manipulators. I need to decide what I want to do and go do it, finally get what I need! Then no one’s going to have the chance to use me for anything! If you want to know about my life, talk to me — don’t blame me for not telling you and then complain that you don’t have time to listen to me!
This year i’m not joining the family for another trip to visit, or rather crash in on, Sybilla. And her life. Sure, going there is always fun, but when i’m back – i don’t want to put myself through that again. Forget about the travel expenses, I just can’t afford being sad to leave and missing everyone so much. And wishing so desperately to have everyone else’s life but mine. No one believes this, but I need to spare myself the emotional affliction. You think organizing a trip is a feat, it’s actually trying to endure leaving that’s the real ordeal. That’s what you don’t want. A trip can end up a mess, and people argue, but that’s nothing compared to being left with time spent but people miles away. I wish i could go, but i can’t risk things getting anymore complicated than they already are.
Except for the things you did wrong, you did everything else right. Right? What if your focus splits? What if you can’t be all in? Are you left with nothing at all?
I’m scared, I want to keep on living. When you have those moments where you just want the ground to swallow you up, what if you multiplied that by every hour every minute? I can’t just waste myself hoping that all of this will pass when clearly it’s never going away. I can’t even cry anymore. I feel really scared and angry and frustrated but at the same time I feel like i’m numb to everything. Like I just don’t react anymore.