When I heard that Rania was back with Just Go, I was more concerned about Jooyi’s lines than where Riko went. I just feel like after you’ve lived long enough, everything in your life can never match up to how happy you used to be. For some people, they say it’s cause you’ve peaked. For me, I just feel like i’m destined to be disappointed for the rest of my life. I can’t take living in fear everyday of my life, wondering what’s going to go wrong next. Hoping and praying so hard everytime I get in the car to go anywhere. It’s just too exhausting trying to keep up appearances and tell everyone that everything’s fine. People see me everyday and just say hey, and i’m more surprised than anyone that I actually got out of bed, got ready for my day somewhat and then appeared in front of unsuspecting people let alone was able to say hey back. Or maybe you only see what you want to see. I just feel so stressed, like I don’t know how people manage their lives and take care of themselves. I don’t understand, how i’m supposed to be on top of everything if i’m so vulnerable to everything right now. I just look at that picture and feel like, omg, she’s the most beautiful person in the whole world. Even when everything got really bad and it was all my fault, she knew that everyone blamed and me and didn’t want to let me feel bad. But the truth is even someone with the utmost compassion and the kindest heart wouldn’t want to be around me. Wouldn’t want to talk to me. Wouldn’t be wasting their time.
Eventually people see what I really am and then obviously don’t want me anymore. Ying Tian gave me a lot of advice and wanted me to be more confident, she couldn’t have possibly eyed me in such a hateful way, right? She couldn’t have possibly wanted to humiliate me in front of everyone, right? I don’t know why I keep being so desperate for people to show kindness for me, and I can’t seem to stop it. I watched Shumaine’s parents send her back from KL, with her dad and brother carrying her things and then unpacking for her, then her mom reverses her car out of the house for her while her dad holds the gate open, then he locks up the house and Shumaine gets into her car to go to work while her parents and brother endure the jam back to KL. I just looked on longingly. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe that there hasn’t been one person that i’ve seen of whom I don’t want their life. I feel so lonely everyday, I wonder why i would want to wait to die. At the same time, I don’t want to see anyone cause I don’t want them to see me like this. Cause if I take anyone’s help, there’s nothing I can give in return. And there’s always a catch. There’s always something I have to be aware of, something I need to guard myself from, always disappointment waiting to happen. It’s safer here by myself. We are born alone and die alone. My story isn’t something people like to hear. It’s hard to watch. It’s not news that would please anyone. I’m not news that would please anyone.