I woke up this morning with a really severe headache, and I felt really upset. I thought it was because yesterday Ling Wei suddenly crossed my mind and I felt humiliated by what she said about me. But I think it’s just that time of year. Interested? Read the rest by clicking below.
In my life everything was provided for me, and laid out in front of me from the beginning. My older sister played piano, was a prefect, did track and field, and showed me everything that was estimable. Even at simply following exactly what she did, I failed. Now here I am 10 years later, I definitely didn’t achieve becoming anything like my sister, but I never had the conviction to be myself either. She has 430 friends on facebook, and well, I can’t even come close to a quarter of that. It was comforting to have such an exemplary persona modeled to me so that I don’t have to think for myself. There was always a part of me who yearned to have my own unique self that I could just be, but I never really knew how I could. I guess I ultimately became trapped between who I really am and who I wanted to be. Not knowing who I really am makes me want to just follow my sister, but then I failed at following my sister. Now, with all the time I lost and not knowing who to follow, I don’t know if i’ll ever find my way. But i’m glad that my other sisters have such strong sense of self, and have grown to be such gorgeous young ladies that anyone would be proud of.
I feel that a large part of me not having the chance to have developed who i am as an individual is not being with Paige and Amelia for as long as I should have. When I am insulted, I have to respond with praise. Are we really supposed to swallow up anything that’s thrown our way with such nonchalance? and if we don’t respectfully act with glee, sincerity, or anything that’s even slightly happy, we shall be deemed undesirable. I would get called rude, excessive, extravagant, dramatic, noisy, annoying, a liar, a bad influence; and then I have to reply with such glossy-faced fervor and be so thankful for such comments. Forget about the perpetrators being hypocrites; they do it also to humiliate me in front of others. As charismatic, dignified, and virtuous my sisters are, they will always standby throughout the onslaught of slander, with out stepping up against an inappropriate method of reprehension, or even pointing out the lack of decorum. Because apparently I deserve it. Everyday I have to act to my parents and my extended family that i’m happy, that I agree with everyone’s choices, and that i’m being treated fairly. I have to lie to everyone all the time, especially about my feelings. I have to face my uncles and aunts with a brave public face, and make sure they think that my parents really have been sleeping in the same room for the past seven years. So that no one would suspect that they no longer speak to each other. And I just got used to lying and eventually didn’t know what I shouldn’t lie about. Ultimately, i’m just an accessory of the illusion of a happy family. I’m just extra man power and human resource if anyone ever needs it for manual labour.
I think it’s really unfair that everyone gets to throw these accusations at me about under-eating. I don’t know if that’s a real term, or if that’s even possible. Anyone who knows me would know that I cannot resist food, and that I eat my favourite food every single day. I feel so insulted that they don’t even stop to think about what they’re accusing me of, or what it sounds like when they say it in front of people. I’m not just talking about those weight conversations my extended family like to have during festivities. I come from a family with four other siblings. I also have a dad whom when it comes to eating you can just count him as 5 people. I lived/grew up in a household where we basically have to share food among 10 people. So this whole under eating thing is clearly not my idea, it’s clearly not something I came up with on my own. I wear the smallest sizes especially for my height, which is actually hard for me to find, but no one ever wants to know about that. The eggs, milk and cereal belong to the girls, the pasta belongs to my brother — you can’t just take something that you know is meant for someone else, then what do you expect them to do when they’re deprived? Everyone is suffering in this situation, most of all, my mother. But really it’s my younger siblings who are the most important. They were just children when my parents tumultuous marriage shifted the dynamic away from them as priorities.
My older sister was always the leader. She always knew what to do, and she was always fair. She made decisions when no one else could. My mother was a victim, my father had his own interests, and the rest of us were lost and at the brink of turmoil. Only she could lead us through each day, and show us that we should carry on any way that we can. Even when she didn’t know what do, she was always sure of herself and never yielded to the emotional burden of being in this family. Anything she said was better than any of us could ever imagine saying. My parents relied on her heavily. And so, her opinion always took precedence. Now that she has so many other responsibilities, it’s hard for all of us to be independent. But it’s especially hard for people who took her for granted. Without my sister, my parents desperately resort to cover up their incompetence by refusing to take responsibility for any decisions and problems that arise. They instead project, blame everyone else, do as they please, and indulge in behaving far differently than when my sister is present. Meanwhile, everyone else is left without an example to follow, without rules, without consistency, without support and have no choice but to withdraw into themselves in order to avoid all consequences.