Post 139

There’s always that girl, naturally skinny and with flawless complexion, she has a stay at home mom, a maid, is close to her sisters, has study groups with her best girlfriends, elected as head prefect, gets best student award every year, doesn’t need to work during school holidays. Don’t believe me, ask me who she is. People tell me that nobody’s perfect. Okay fine, actually my mom tells me nobody’s perfect. But seriously? Sure, maybe she’s not charitable, or she doesn’t recycle. But her parents are proud of her. My friends have told me really kind things like don’t compare yourself to other people, just do what makes you happy, and do the best you can for yourself. But seriously? In the school I went to, we were taught to compare ourselves in everything to everyone! Being the second oldest, how can I not compare myself to other people? I keep talking about all these bad influences in my life. Growing up in a superficial town, having parents who don’t speak BM and watch tv all the time, of being manipulated by girls who think they’re better than me because they’re popular. I know that if all this didn’t happen to me, I would have become a much better person than what I am today. My defeatist mentality, intolerance for physical activity, ¬†everything comes from those. I was ruined before I had the chance to know how to face anything, so please don’t tell me that I need to be more tough or resilient or determined or any of those things that I don’t see you demonstrate cause when something is inconvenient you either make me do stuff for you or you just vent to me! Okay, mostly that’s what my mom does, but I see other people do it too, like to other people if not me.

I don’t understand. There are all these older generation people who talk about how they had nothing, but changed their lives. Is it true that you can only make achievements from the adversities you weather? Then, no matter how successful you are, you will always owe it to the pain that you had to experience, because it’s become a part of your life and who you are. Did my sister, or rather, sisters, shelter me from taking responsibility, or developing leadership? Because all they did was help me when I asked. Is that what it means to let them go, so that they’ll learn things for themselves? I wouldn’t have made it this far without my sisters. Is that how it’s supposed to be then? Was I supposed to always have gone without? It’s so confusing. I’ve been asking about my true purpose my whole life, and just being a place for my parents to vent, I need to know that there’s more that’s meant for me.

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