Okay, today I tried to help my younger sister with her rehab-ing her elbow, but I didn’t do a good job. As it turns out, Miranda Cosgrove also had an orthopaedic emergency when her tour bus was in an accident recently. I guess when it happens close to home then I notice it more in the world.
The only thing that i’m really able to do properly is shopping. And even then i’m not that great at it either. I’m not good at anything else, i can’t believe how pathetic i am. I think that I can go shopping even though i’m tired or hungry or don’t have enough sleep. I really like the ambiance in a mall, and it makes me believe myself to be normal. I try not to spend so much money, but when I don’t go shopping for too long I just feel very sad. The past year, i’ve spent money primarily on food. I didn’t want to buy outfits for myself like I used to anymore. Although even if I did, I wouldn’t have any occasion to wear them since I don’t go out much anymore. This is not the kind of personality I expected of myself. I always wanted to be better, to be someone who isn’t superficial and materialistic. However, you must understand that I didn’t have many opportunities to develop a lot of skills or talents. My dad wasn’t particularly supportive of me learning piano, and there conveniently isn’t a book club for me to cultivate my interest in reading or like literary stuff. No one likes my drawings, in fact, quite the contrary, so I was always ashamed of my drawing habit. I still do it, but I don’t like that I still do.
I don’t like being treated as a commodity, because even if I were to be, I would have nothing to offer. I always refrain from engaging with people because i’m too proud to hear what my mistakes are. That’s why when I run into people that I haven’t met for a long time, my eyes can’t really stay put and I tend to flinch, while haphazardly changing the subject. I don’t like that they can see that I clearly haven’t changed. I don’t like confronting how I can be so set in my ways. I don’t think I had the chance to even have my own ways because my life always seemed so errant with so many sudden and strange conflicts. Like with that girl at school who wanted to manipulate me and when I retaliated wanted to ostracize me. Which she accomplished very well. And hence I stopped being used to talking to people and my social skills declined steadily. Please be aware that for me to have social anxiety disorder is very unlikely because people suffering from this experience very severe symptoms and it has an impact on their daily life in that they are unable to perform their duties or activities to a normal or complete extent. That’s why I don’t have it, because I simply am lazy to fulfill any responsibilities and refuse to mingle with anyone who isn’t completely sincere (aren’t many of them this kind of town).
Which brings me to discuss the subject of the type of people i am surrounded by! It’s always excessive discussion about sports that they only watch, expecting people to show up at elaborate parties whose purpose was only to get attention anyway, being excessively shocked when not everyone is madly in love with them and constantly responds to their every single text message, and expecting all-hands-on-deck whenever they’re on another of their quests for publicity. I would have turned out so much better had I someone to really look up to. Like maybe if I could find people who’re vegetarians with profound thoughts on humanity, whose hobbies are social commentary, lend their support to small businesses and have strong convictions. Maybe if I was around people who were more passionate about literature and would have encouraged me to write my own short stories (something i’ve always wanted to do but never completed because really these days with so many reality shows and remakes there’s nothing to inspire you). I want to feel humbled, not threatened. One is encouraging while the other clearly isn’t. That’s why you have to hang out with someone you not only look up to, but also who sees how important it is to impart to you everything that they wish they didn’t have to learn the hard way.