For the millionth time i’m going to blog about how sad, lonely, and disappointed i am. I don’t want to keep having to peddle myself so hard. I shouldn’t have to convince someone how upset I am, because i’m not like a sales rep or something. It’s always a sales meeting or something. Unless I really hustle and sell it, no one, not even my mom is going to take a second glance at the idea. It’s just not worth anyone’s time. No one would want to even invest any perspective on it. Innocent children, their future development, and their need for encouragement at difficult times in their school life. Not a worthy enough cause. Especially if it doesn’t involve anything exciting like travelling or some kind of gala. Or someone famous backing it up. I feel like i’m always being instructed how to feel and react towards things, and that i’m not allowed to be upset unless it’s as serious as everyone else. Or unless it’s about someone else.
I’ve made it very clear that i’d rather die alone than be someone else’s posse. Both are actually equally miserable, but I don’t think anyone would understand why it’s come to this extent. I don’t know if anyone would even want to understand. No one wants to hear me. The reason i’ve always been afraid of confrontations is actually because i know exactly how bad it’ll turn out. I always know that my sisters and mom won’t believe me. Everything that I said hurts me is actually in my head, and that way no one should have to hear about it because it’s not real. I just make up feelings to make myself miserable. Because i’m so desperate for attention. Because I want to be those attention-seekers. That’s why I jump on every opportunity for socialites to manipulate me because at least they talk to me, and I feel important. Their approval of me means everything to me. I shouldn’t waste my time looking for friends who actually want me to be happy. Knowing lots of people is being happy. Not caring about someone because they care about you. Just reputation and status. That’s always so much more important than how anyone feels. There’s always something to be prioritized than how someone feels about something. Like arbitrary milestones in life, and dating. No one should ever have to go through the trouble of sticking around to see if i’m okay. Even if they’re related to me. They should just follow where the party goes. If i’m alone, that’s because i’m stupid, not because I see something more important than being seen at the scene.
I don’t want to be valued by how much I earn, who I know, what I can do for you. Why can’t I just be a person? Why do I have to be worth something to anyone? Why can’t you just want to know what i’m thinking about? Even just for the hell of it? I have no one to look to for guidance. I can’t do it all by myself. No one will believe me. There’s no one left to try to convince i’m not insane. For wanting what’s really important in life. It’s always just shut up, and carry on with the same disappointment. The problem goes away cause there was nothing worth talking about anyway. But everyday it’s still on my shoulders, I still look away from every conversation, it’s still there.