My whole life people have been telling me that I should do what I want, and not what people tell me to do. The reason they tell me that, obviously is because they want me to choose my own path in life, and find something that makes me happy.
But, doing something for the right reasons also means that you should do what you want, not what will specifically make people angry. I don’t play with hearts, I don’t toy with people’s feelings. I have my own feelings and problems. So why do I feel like everyone is constantly making it about them, as if i’m purposely setting out to make things difficult for them?
As most of you would have realized by now, or should have, i’m talking about my dad. I think that he’s evil. You can like him all you want, I don’t care, i’m just saying that I think he’s evil. Some people even say that he’s gregarious and easygoing. What on earth? Today at dinner, he kept making really cheap and annoying jokes like ‘why is 6 afraid of7’ and ‘what starts and ends with T and has T in it’. I hate elementary school, I don’t want to go back there, and yet he keeps badgering us with all of these lame jokes that no one even responds to. I’ve never met someone so desperate for attention in my life. It’s so nauseating when you keep hearing the blare of some disgusting voice that you don’t want to hear. And what’s worse, I have to look at his face. Gross! You people can keep telling me that he’s just a normal-looking human being I don’t care, I hate looking at him! And he totally stinks up the whole house!
I actually wanted to talk about shopping, cause for a while I kept insisting to myself that I shouldn’t buy myself anymore new clothes, so that way when I spend too much on expensive food it isn’t that bad. Since I can rationalize that I eat food anyway, so it’s a good way to justify what I spend. But i’m so jealous of how everyone’s enjoying the sales! I really really want to have new clothes, but I hate fashion cause fashion made my life miserable. When I was younger and was able to know myself and be sure of myself, I thought that I was free from ever doubting myself again, but then I lost everything I liked about myself and was no longer able to recognize that person staring back in the mirror. Now I really have no idea what I do and don’t like to wear, and i’m always feeling unsure. I have no confidence to wear anything. And I keep thinking everything I have isn’t nice enough. And I keep wearing formulaic t-shirts and jeans.
Once upon a time I was an individual who was strong in my opinions and beliefs. I was a creative and passionate person. Now, I just wish I could be. I don’t know what changed, but I just don’t have any inspiration for anything. Doing creative stuff always made me happy, but now I feel like i’m just out of ideas. I used to say all this weird boastful stuff like ‘graphic design is my hobby’. But now I feel self-conscious about everything about me, and i just can’t commit myself to even attempting to make any kind of ‘design’ because I don’t have the strong convictions to back it up with. Everyone has Illustrator now, and they even use tablets. I can’t even vector stuff, and everyone has made their own like brush sets and patterns and stuff. I don’t even know how it all works now. Everything’s like so different from when I was ‘designing’ back in the day. How could I even call it designing? How deluded was I to think that just putting some stuff together made me like an artist of some sort. I was so happy when I was at Hakunetsu.Org I wish I could go back to that. I’m so old now. I mean, you only want hot young things with new ideas and a fresher take on things. That’s basically my problem right now with any kind of art. Can you teach an old dog new tricks? I just feel like, what else did I ever enjoy doing? Maybe I could try this again just to see if I enjoy it, I don’t necessarily have to be super proud of it, but what’s the point if it makes me feel disappointed with myself.