Oh my. I can’t believe puasa is next month. So fast. I’m so scared. I don’t have any baju raya yet. Neither do my siblings. What will we all wear? I don’t want to bake cookies. What is and isn’t acceptable is so arbitrary.
Here is why I am unable to be a good, reliable and helpful friend. It’s because I have never seen my parents genuinely like being around each other, so I have never had a good relationship to model after. Sure, my sister and I are good friends, but she is after all my sister. How do I approach someone and talk to them for the first time, if my sister was there my whole life and knows everything about me? I depend on my sisters so much because i’m unable to confront my own fears and insecurities. So how am I supposed to help someone else through them? I don’t think it’s my fault that i’m unable to have a healthy friendship with anyone, and i don’t think it’s fair that i’m in this situation. I really do want a bestfriend, but if I hardly see myself as worth caring about, how am I going to care about someone else? I see my parents make sacrifices for me. But sure, they make sacrifices for my sisters. I really don’t have anything to offer that sets me apart from them, or even matches me with them. I’m just tagging along with them. How will I ever accomplish something that will make me worthwhile as a human being? I wish I could be someone who is worth the time of day to someone.
Is it really abuse if my dad had a reason for it? All over the country parents physically punish their kids for bad results. It’s nothing new. I provoked my dad and that’s what makes him angry all the time. But we’re never able to work through any of it. And everyone else suffers because of it too. I’m not trying to burden my family. Neither of us know exactly where the problem lies. I don’t want to be bitter about my dad forever. I don’t expect any apologies from him. We were supposed to talk about our problems with each other a long time ago. But until now, my dad doesn’t want to talk about it to anyone, and insists that i’m inconveniencing him without reason. I’ve listened to him throw his dissatisfactions with me in my face for years, but he doesn’t actually talk about it properly. My sister says it’s not worth it to cry over this, and especially not because of him. I sometimes think that it’s not worth it to even try to accept him as my father, but I know that my dad isn’t going to feel better about this unless he talks about it with me. Even if he has my mom all to himself, it’s still not going to make him happy and that’s not just because her heart is somewhere else. There’s no point in him making everything about him if he doesn’t even confront how he really feels about this and what the source of it all really is. If I died before him, he won’t have the satisfaction of having confronted me about any of his issues with me first. It’s not about pointing out the other person’s mistakes, it’s about being honest about your feelings and identifying what it really is that’s hurting you, and what you really want in life.
My mom and sister have been telling me that I should get professional help. But therapy isn’t just talking to someone. I don’t even know what I should talk to a therapist about anyway. I should want to do it for my own reasons, not because people tell me to, because otherwise it’s just not going to work.