Okay. I think that my main problem is, that for a few months now, i’ve been having problems focusing. On anything. My mind just can’t concentrate on what’s happening in front of me. I’m always preoccupied with something, but i’m not sure what it is. My memory is getting worse, and I keep forgetting where I put my stuff. People even ask me if i’m still listening. A lot of people have noticed how vacant I can be. I think my mind is. Most of the time. I always feel tired.
I really think the best thing for me right now is to just be in a clean, spacious room, by myself, where I can sit down to a meal quietly. I just need a peaceful environment. But not just an intermittent quiet 5 minutes at home. I need to feel what it’s like to live in a place where it’s calm and without lots of people. I know that people say that I always complain about having no company and no one likes to come near me cause they’re so disgusted by me and that I always say that I have no one t0 talk to. But if i’m going to be without anyone, it might as well be in a quiet environment. There’s no point hanging around some people hoping one of them will suddenly magically change into a sincere person and care about me. I shouldn’t waste my time or anyone else’s.
I think that’s what my younger siblings have been deprived of for so long. All anyone deserves is their own space to do their homework, but my younger siblings don’t even have their own desks, much less a quiet space for them to study. Sure they can seem happy with their lives in front of my relatives and other people, but the reality is there in those few marks they miss out on. I feel really bad that they’re all cramped in one house. At least my younger brother has his own room now.
Tv has for so long been used as a substitute for family activities, and it’s really sad. I feel especially guilty that i’m the one watching Brothers and Sisters and everything else.
Anyway, how will anything ever change? It’s all too much and too hard, and I don’t think I can do it myself.