azreen.frozen-wings.net

I really wonder if I go through life just blissfully unaware. People more recondite always fascinated me, I look up to their strong beliefs about humanity and modern society, how they mourn the tragic fall of mankind, how we had so much promise and potential but, in the end, sabotaged ourselves and became victims of our own natures. When I contemplate my fate, I think about whether or not I would end up being cut off from the rest of the world, from the rest of humanity, in darkness, having suffered fighting, bloodshed, and pain, but, through faith maybe mankind could steal the chance for new lives, for redemption to become a promising race once again. When I was in school and teachers told me that death is not the answer, that just really interested me because death is the only certain thing about life. I always thought about how everyone seems to be so happy coincidentally only during the times when i’m not there. If I say that I have no place in this world, could it be that instead I just haven’t found it yet? I really doubt that there are people like me in this world. Except my dad. I’ve been trying to be a better person my whole life. After all of these years, and still no progress, the idea of me being a person worth getting to know is seeming more and more narcissistic every second.

Yesterday I entered a header contest at Ancient Orchids. Here’s my entry. As you can see, it’s not something one would submit with the expectation of winning, but I thought I’d just give it a try since I used to enjoy making banners and stuff. Now, it just feels like a lot of work, plus it ended up completely not what I was aiming for. I’m just pleased that I finished something.

It’s like hearing gurgling babies at a funeral. There’s nothing like the uplifting sound of an innocent child being happy, but when something so awful has happened, it just suddenly doesn’t seem right to enjoy the brightness and joy of the world. I feel like I just live in intervals of ups and downs, and it’s so humiliating because i’m supposed to be in control and have control over what goes on in my life, but somehow when I least expect it I turn around and something falls completely apart. What’s the use of enjoying happy moments when you know that it’s just an interval before more turmoil. I’m sick of living my life from one conflict to another.

It’s not like I purposely like the things that I like — that’s just how I feel about them. I never wanted to not be able to like travelling and going on holidays like everyone else, but that’s just not me. Party after party, my life just feels out of perspective after that. I don’t know. I’m looking for something else, but I don’t exactly know what it is. I just don’t want to always feel humiliated trying to chase after something that people think is a waste of time.

You make yourself look perfect in every way

So when this goes down i’m the one who will be blamed

Your plan is working so you can just walk away

I never realised how two-faced I was until I experienced someone doing the exact same thing to me. It’s ironic how some people can complain about someone and yet still be sycophant to them. Obviously I have nothing, and even the friends I do have wouldn’t be able to help me when i’m up against someone of higher rank and stature.

I can tell what’s going on this time

There’s a stranger in my life

If they always like to behave a certain way only to me while seeming so nice to everyone else, i’m clearly not the reason their reputation is at stake — you don’t have to come near me if you don’t want to, you don’t have to hang out nearby me if you don’t want to, someone can hear you saying something callous to me, it’s your own fault.

You walk and talk like your some new sensation
You move in circles you don’t need an invitation
You spend your money you can’t get no satisfaction
You play it right so you can get the right reaction

I know who I am, and I don’t see any point in climbing the social ladder if I clearly don’t fit at any point on it. I don’t see why I would need so much attention from people, or why I need to be liked about by others or seen as acceptable to everyone. It’s just not possible to please everyone, and everyone has their right to choose their own friends anyway. I don’t need to do the same thing that everyone else is doing, I don’t need to go to the places everyone else goes. I have to make my own decisions about my own life, it shouldn’t be based on the critical reception I receive. If you think I’m wasting my life doing something lame, then don’t waste your memory space knowing about it. Don’t waste your time pitying me for not being popular, you don’t care about my life anyway.

I don’t want to be friends with someone if they just want me to be their posse. I don’t want to pretend to like other people just so that I can perpetuate some kind of idea about me being a well-liked socially acceptable person. I don’t really care about my reputation because I decide what kind of person I should be — it’s up to me. You can go around saying that I’m weird for having a different opinion about things or ‘saying what I think’ — really, I wouldn’t be surprised, millions of other people have said bad things about me and I’m sure you’re all in the same club doing all those cool things that i’m too pathetic to know how to do.

What’s out of place when you look into the mirror
The truth is blurry but the lies are getting clearer
Your eyes are fixed, your smile is so elastic
he gave me roses but they’re all just made of plastic

I just don’t feel that I have to exhibit everything about my life to everyone. I don’t need affirmation from other people about anything in my life. Everyday I wake up and put on an outfit that I don’t really like, and I just toss my hair in whatever way seems somewhat amusing and that’s enough for me. I know that I don’t look cute or now but I don’t really care. There are bad things in my life, I have problems, but there are also happy moments, all of which are mine to experience. I don’t need to make my life a display for everyone to acknowledge whether or not i’m ‘keeping up’. Approve of me, don’t approve of me, it’s still my life and i’m the one who’ll have to live it. Even if I don’t show off everything about me to the world, people will still say what they want, people talk, and i’m used to it, I expect that much, cause I know those people are not my friends and they don’t know me. And it’s probably not worth it for me to know them either.

Smile for the camera everybody’s looking at you
Smile for the camera ’cause there all about to trash you
Smile for the camera, camera, camera
Smile for the camera, who’s gonna catch ya

I smile perfectly for the camera as if i’m so happy, as if there’s nothing wrong in my life. Small talk and eager conversation as if there isn’t something weighing on me, or that there’s something I should have done but haven’t. I makes no sense for me to pretend like everything’s going so great.

I guess it’s better to keep your opinions to yourself, but I don’t think I do or necessarily should regret speaking my opinion because when someone asks I don’t want to be like “umm I don’t know,” because it’s as if i’m trying to please everyone and you can’t please everyone and i’m sure what i’m saying now will not please everyone but everyone feels a certain way about something and people shouldn’t apologize for feeling a certain way about something or believing in the things you believe in because that makes you who you are. As long as you’re not forcing your opinions on someone else, it’s not wrong to speak your opinion.

I just think that I know who I am, and if you don’t know who you are then people will try to make you into the person that they want you to be and you end up not becoming the person you are supposed to be or the person you want to be.

There are people everywhere and each one is different, so it’s unrealistic for you to think that everyone would like you. If you want to meet new people or make a connection with people you have to be able to individually reach out to them and try to experience what they experience. If you say that you want to meet new people and try new things, it wouldn’t necessarily be correct for you to selectively talk to people who do things that you’re interested in only. If you say you want to have fun, then it’s a different story.

11:30 am

1:00 pm

I was trying to tidy up, but actually i made it worse.

Hey! Omg it’s been so long, how are you? As you can see, apart from having really let myself go, I’m exactly the same as when I was 17. But then again, it makes all the difference doesn’t it? Especially nowadays, I just eat and eat and eat, I don’t even realise what i’m doing. Having sagged and spilled all over the place so much, my body is so impossible not to notice I should feel guilty about the number of people I to whom I caused nightmares. Yea, I know, insane right? Hey don’t call me crazy, but come on, we all get a little crazy sometimes right? Don’t tell me you haven’t had a ridiculous out-of-your-mind totally wild night this week, everyone knows what a party animal you can be. Speaking of parties, I haven’t been attending any for the past few, oh I don’t know, lifetimes? Yeah, who knew it was even possible for me to become even more of a hermit than I used to be? Talk about taking homely a little too far. It’s funny, people ask me why I allowed my life to spiral so far downwards, and I don’t even know! And i’m like, what reputation? It took a nosedive? Yea, anyway, i’d love to hear about all your wonderful life achievements compared to me being single old unemployed living with my parents with no life experiences whatever, but I think i’ll just skip ahead to the pathetic wailing on my bed moaning about how jealous I am about everyone else’s life curling up in bitterness of my own life to stew in my own self loathing. After the excessive servings of comfort food you’ll probably find me playing minesweeper or solitaire or something.

Could it be that i’m so insanely happy that I have nothing to moan and whine about here? Don’t be silly.

Anyway, I was thinking to myself about how my dad hurts people most probably because he’s so stressed that i’m 20 unemployed and still living with my parents. Then, Ashraf told me about why my dad bought Aniza the Wii steering wheel. He explained to me that my dad didn’t complain about having to buy it, and anyone who knows my dad would know how insincere he is about doing anything for anyone — he would’ve totally complained and make a big deal about not only how much it would cost, but the hassle of going to buy it. And he didn’t, so it must’ve been for himself. And the thing doesn’t even have any function it’s just an accessory to attach onto the Wiimote. And Ashraf told me that you can get them free when you buy the MarioKart CD. I was horrified. I mean, it clearly shows my dad tricked Aniza into thinking he got her an actual birthday present. It’s just an offhand meaningless thing that he used to blackmail her into being nice to him.

I was just browsing through all the Xtina and Gaga comparisons and I couldn’t believe that they found so many pictures to compare.

Anyway, after I made some space in the house last week, I haven’t figured out what I so desperately need to use it for. There was an ad in the mail about sending your used stuff, which ironically came after I got rid of so much stuff. I meant to send more, it’s just that I forgot what I did with that flyer.

I just wanted to state that, my weight and diet is my business. Leading a healthy lifestyle encompasses everything you do in your life. I’m not sure if I said that right, it probably doesn’t even make sense, but my point is, whether or not I eat right or exercise at all, it’s my life and my body, and I’m the one who’ll have to do it, not anyone else. So I don’t see the point of people telling me that I should replace that those McMuffins with fruit salad or that I should do more resistance training or extend my cardio of which I don’t even do any. I don’t see why people think that just because they had the misfortune of glancing at me they need to tell me what to do about my body. Some of them should probably even take their own advice. So what if i’m not lifting weights everyday? I don’t see why I should spend so much effort building muscle which I most likely don’t even want. I’m the one who will have to maintain those muscles that you keep telling me to build anyway. Trying desperately to be as buff as everyone else is just going to teach more kids to down dangerous amount of protein shakes. I certainly can’t even say at all that all the people who were able to talk so much about how I should be treating my diet and exercise regime even care about my health at all.

I looked a lot worse when I was in lower secondary.

I  am now 51.3 kg.

Certainly, I was a bit scared at the amount of muscle wasting that my sedentary lifestyle has inflicted on me, but I will make my own choices, and do something about it in my own way. I would also like to say that a lot of people who tell me that I’m skinny are super skinny themselves. I should be complaining to them about what an eyesore their lanky limbs are, with their bones seemingly trying to box their way out of their hips. I am fine with my current state of health, and for once I don’t mind weighing the amount that I weigh. I don’t care what people think about whether the weight i gain is fats or muscle cause it’s my life. Well, at least I thought I didn’t care, it’s just that they keep coming to me and telling me all this stuff. Well, I guess I have to say that I am glad about how self-deprecating most people are about their weight and their body. Even though they come to me telling me how to live my life, they also tell me what they don’t like about themselves, and I just want people to realize that feeling good about yourself is a real privilege, that I myself am struggling to one day achieve.

Today, I invited Amelia to my house for tea. Everyone else went to Carrefour.

Then, I made this! But it’s largely plagiarised, and I might get into trouble.

I wish my mom would’ve had the chance to further develop her career, so that at least one of us would have been successful. Could it be that everyone in this household never achieved anything they wanted to? That everyone’s miserable and bitter about their lives? Maybe that’s just how it is, and there’s nothing we can really do about it?

I always get very sensitive about the subject of people who wreck everything they touch. Whether or not i’m lonely, it’s my own fault — if I say that it’s my life, then it’s mine to ruin. If I cared about it I wouldn’t have ruined it. I feel like I’ll never know how I could ever be as good as everyone else, because the moment I try to do anything, I wreck something. I never meant for my life to turn out badly. There are so many ups and downs, one minute i’m peacefully asleep and the next everything’s a mess because of me. Even if I always hurt so many people, you would think that I could at least do one useful, helpful thing in my life. But in the long time I was alive I’ve never even accomplished that.

Could it be that there is an only person that I can ever be friends with, relate to, or talk to? Could it be that the only person I can understand is the only person who comes close to behaving like me? Do I have to end up only being friends with my dad? Maybe my mother and I are too different, since after all she’s a good person. Maybe all the time my mother spent with me was just a complete waste of her life because we can never be friends. After all this time, she could only leave not with nothing, but after having given up so much, and lost so much. So it appears Alina and I can’t be bestfriends after all, since my mom needs her appropriately-compatible bestfriend.

I wish my dad wasn’t my only option as a bestfriend. I wish that I could deserve a friend as good as everyone else’s. It’s my own fault for being what I am. I guess everyone sees it, that I’m exactly like him. And all this time I was foolish enough to think that just because i’m good friends with my older sister, some of that divine virtue would easy-as-that rub off on me, or that even more absurdly, people would think that we’re the same just because we hang out a lot. What does happen to Brooke in the end, after wrecking so many households and families? Will everyone really hate her forever? Surely everyone can eventually forgive husband-stealing?

Some get consumed by staring at a screen be it the computer, tv, or a game console. Take away my tv and computer, but as long as I have a mirror can waste hours and hours of my time, overcome with fathomless vanity, a consequence of which my eyes burn with tormenting pain.

Then there’s my imagination, you can see a distant expression that clearly marks my mental absence — i’m faraway in my dreamland where everyone is a girl and happily married, always sincere, caring, united, eating what they want, everything’s spacious, clean, calm, and organized. No starvation, self-consciousness, insecurity, contempt, distrust. Sometimes if you talk to me I’m never really there, I’m just in my head, alone but I don’t feel lonely. Not really, I’m just ignorant of the deranged state I leave myself in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5uMJmc2Yo4&feature=related

Dear Diary,

I need to throw away:

1. Old bags
2. Old boxes
3. Old router and modem
4. Old CD drive
5. Old fan
6. Old lamp
7. My dad’s classic mac
8. My dad’s old clothes (He’s the one who won’t seem to fit into them anymore and i still drown in them)
9. Old hair accessories
10. Old plastic containers (omg?)
11. Aniza and ashraf’s old artwork (sorry, there’s no more Alina to frame it up)

Log

• 9:00 am        Leave for SK USJ 12 sports day rushing because already an hour late
• 11:10 am      Send Ashraf and Marielle home
• 11:20 am      Put lunch on the table since I won’t be home for lunch
• 11: 40 am     Go back to SK USJ 12 to witness Aniza’s next event
• 12:40 pm      Go home to take Adila to school
• 12:55 pm      Arrive at SMK USJ 13
• 1:00 pm        Go back to SK USJ 12 to witness Aniza’s next event
• 1:30 pm        There’s only tug of war and teacher’s events but Aniza said she hasn’t ran
• 2:00 pm        Find out that Aniza’s next event somehow doesn’t exist
• 2:20 pm        Arrive home from SK USJ 12 sports day

What am I going to do about the car radio? I really don’t know who’ll be able to fix it.

That old dresser really is annoying. The whole thing has to go, along with everything in it! Why is there so much stuff in the matching wardrobe anyway? It’s clearly still functional but it’s just used to keep junk i.e. Dad’s old stuff. God, why w0n’t my dad get rid of all his old stuff?

I don’t think I have many clothes at all. In fact, i’m always like, what should i wear? I have nothing nice to wear!? It’s not like i bought a new outfit or anything, i’ve just been spending people’s money on food. Anyway, I just thought that right now my life is just me and my clothes, but obviously things aren’t that simple. I’m still hanging on to like new photo frames and photo albums and stuff that i’ve never used. Well, those are a must-keep anyway since they’ve never been used. So that just leaves my collection of assorted stationary and paper products. Hmm. I always did say that Oprah was unnecessarily harsh on those hoarders.

Sunday is another sports day omg! Hope the weather’ll be good.

There’s more, i know it, but I guess  i’ll just have to right it down later when it starts bugging me again.

I’m going to end up complaining about a different thing that I want everyday.

Have you ever felt the frustration of coming home tired from a really long day’s work and then people who were staying at home all day complain to you about their problems at home and their lives? And you have to immediately run around fixing everything for them just so that they’d be somewhat satisfied, not that they actually needed any of it, they just like complaining and making up things?

Well, i’ve never experienced that, thank god. We leave that to the mature rational adults in the house. Okay, I suppose that also includes Adila. But I can tell you that it doesn’t include my dad, my grandma, Ashraf, Aniza, Me, and, well that brings me to put something else on the list. What list? Well, apparently i’m making lists nowadays. Not that I’m all trying to accomplish something big everyday. As if I ever.  But still, there are things that need doing, and they’ve been that way for years.

We’ve Got Issues!

• Dad has a huge master bedroom and instead he’s pacing in the living room and bugging people in Ashraf’s room (the smallest room in the house)
• Uncle Chee’s present must be delivered!! How much more belated!?!
• Clean out the fridge omg! Years!
• Ashraf needs more than one drawer for his clothes
• Ashraf and Aniza now eat grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast
• Which brings me to the issue of weekday mornings – (1) Wake up early, in order to  (2) Arrange Aniza and Ashraf’s bathroom queue  (3) Their uniforms, camisoles, towels etc must already be prepared – arranged night before
• Dear kids, the reason I told Alina not to come home, aside from her being super busy with so much work to do, is that it costs money. Make the poor girl traverse the highways every week she’ll be broke. More than she already is.
• Fans and aircons. Perennial problems. Oh well, just continue to inhale dust while waiting for everything else to be sorted out.
• Order these items according to priority!!

Oh, and I should add, make less lengthy lists, and they should be proper lists in the first place, don’t just put some odd title and throw out everything! Organize organize!

I just want to post a photo from long ago.

I want to watch New in Town! I like Renee Zellweger! I guess if I have anything else to write about my uneventful life I can just edit this later.

I’ve always believed that I have the capability to work at something until I achieve what I want. No matter how impatient and wavering I get, I have the intention to win something in the end. Let the battle with the Cash Deposit Machine begin. One day I’ll learn how to effectively line up my notes.

This is my wishlist. I keep complaining about wanting this and that, so I figured I should write down the ones I remember so that way people (my siblings) won’t have to put up with my complaining so much.

Fiction

• Handbags and Homicide Dorothy Howell
• L.A. Candy Lauren Conrad
• Love, Lies and Lizzie Rosie Rushton

DVD

• Love Happens Universal Pictures
• Post Grad 20^th Century Fox

Yesterday, when Ashraf arrived home at six, tea was still on the table cause my grandma was sitting there for a while after having tea. Naturally, my dad rushed home in time to watch Idol which he loves so much, and when Ashraf was still catching his breath from doing a full day of school, kelas tambahan UPSR and Ko-Kurikulum, my dad swiped all the swiss rolls, Ashraf’s favourite. And Ashraf didn’t even know enough to feel hurt. The following day, my dad swiped all the curry puffs, also Ashraf’s favourite. Just because he wants to nibble on something while watching his precious Idol. Who cares about Idol anyway? Excuse me for being sane enough to not be in a midlife crisis. All my dad ever does is just be unnecessaily loud and complain about my grandma accidentally flooding the bathroom. He’s so inconsiderate of underweight children and elders in immense arthritic pain.

What’s worse, is that I have to sleep on the floor in his room. No one ever goes near his room cause it’s so vile, filthy and disgusting. He doesn’t even like being in it. It’s such a waste of space cause he has this huge room that no one goes into, with a tv and everything, and he doesn’t even use it. He just litters a whole lot of clutter everywhere.

He’s the one who keeps saying that he’s trying to lose weight!?! I even told him that no one calls him fat, and he should just be fine with how he is, but he’s all “I can lose this in a jiff”

In order to get a triple bypass, you need to make it to a hospital first. They don’t call it sudden cardiac death for nothing.

I went to The 19 last night, and only upon arriving there I remembered that I forgot to bring my wallet.

Omg, Mom, i’m so sorry, I forgot to bring Dad’s credit card!

Oh, yes I forgot about that too. Nevermind I’ll just use amex.

What a waste. A complete waste. Sighed the frustrated oversized whiney annoying baby. I really need to wake up earlier. I always feel so groggy, tired, and unmotivated. Then I can get more things done in a day.

I would just like to announce that all my faithful blog readers (haha) should proceed to register in order to comment (haha how can non-existent people comment?).

I can’t believe it’s already been a week since I posted!

Anyway, the topic of discussion on this blogpost is Saturday 27 March 2010.

I didn’t realize that my younger sister (Adila) was at school that morning, or that my other younger sister (Aniza) was going to her friend’s birthday party later, or that Adila had to leave for her piano lesson at the same time that Aniza had to leave for the birthday party. And my younger brother (Ashraf ) was having friends over to do a school project. Everyone had plans except me!

Anyway, after I sent Adila home, I rushed around Taipan, desperately looking for parking due to my lack of double-parking skills. I think I must’ve circled the triangle like 10 times. I knew that I was supposed to buy Aniza’s friend two big Cadbury bars. So I thought to myself, I’ll take the biggest bar I can find. I couldn’t find anything even remotely reasonably-sized. I didn’t have enough confidence to drive myself to Cold Storage, since I’ve never tried to, nor do I know how to go anywhere else. So I hoped that by some miracle guardian would have something gift-worthy. I just took two 4-square-wide bars because I knew I couldn’t waste anymore time. There was no present, and it was time to get wrapping.

So when I arrived home, I was so relieved that (my mom made a meal in advance before leaving in the morning) there was plenty in the fridge to eat for lunch. It was almost one and I’d left everyone at home starving. I would’ve liked to bring everyone out, but I was quite broke, grandma would’ve suffered with her knee pain, it was already late, and actually I don’t think they would’ve liked to anyway.

So there I was feeling so proud as if I wrapped Wirdani’s present so nicely that I didn’t realise that it was 2.45, and with one car, I was supposed to already be headed to USJ 3 and/or Pizza Hut Taipan.

So, what time is piano class?

3,

okay. Aniza, what time’s the Wirdani’s party?

3

In an insane rush, I tried to figure out how a person with really bad driving was supposed to accomplish this. To make things worse, I didn’t realise that it was both Wirdani
and her twin brother’s birthday! And the present was wrapped as one, and I wrote Wirdani’s name really big on the card.

So later, at 4 while I was struggling to remember where I had just sent Adila only an hour earlier. I realised that Teacher Yvonne’s house is situated in a really high-traffic area of USJ. And the guards already have to deal with a flood of people going in and out, and now i’m supposed to feign some interpersonal skills and not come off as a total creep who shouldn’t be allowed to enter USJ 3 ever again. After about a million and a half wrong turns later, I got to Adila 15 minutes late, but thankfully she was okay about waiting.

And, it turns out Aniza had so much fun, there was pizza-making and go-stand-in-the-freezer and ice cream cake and everything! *Wants Wirdani’s (and/or her twin brother’s) life* It was 6.15 and her parents were still waiting downstairs for parents to pick up the remaining guests.

So I had hoped that my shift for the day was finished, but the house was a complete mess and I hadn’t touched the mop, vacuum cleaner, etc. in ever in my life. And to this day I still haven’t. So clearly my pay being docked (or rather voided) doesn’t go without reason. Just be thankful that you’re allowed to drive, Azreen.

Thanks to Misty, I’ve just got this blog back up after so long. There was a problem with the previous server, i’ve taken excerpts from my hosts’ main site.

the previous domain host, Vizaweb, is out of business and neglected to inform their customers of such. Their support centre is running without a live person and their telephone number is no longer in service. [Misty] managed to contact the right organization to keep the domain online. [She’s] invested in a new domain host now.

There’ll be plenty to come soon, but I’m working on getting things going. After not having blogged for so long, all of this kind of feels new to me, but I’m really glad to be back! What a relief, I finally have my blog again!