Anyway, after I made some space in the house last week, I haven’t figured out what I so desperately need to use it for. There was an ad in the mail about sending your used stuff, which ironically came after I got rid of so much stuff. I meant to send more, it’s just that I forgot what I did with that flyer.
I just wanted to state that, my weight and diet is my business. Leading a healthy lifestyle encompasses everything you do in your life. I’m not sure if I said that right, it probably doesn’t even make sense, but my point is, whether or not I eat right or exercise at all, it’s my life and my body, and I’m the one who’ll have to do it, not anyone else. So I don’t see the point of people telling me that I should replace that those McMuffins with fruit salad or that I should do more resistance training or extend my cardio of which I don’t even do any. I don’t see why people think that just because they had the misfortune of glancing at me they need to tell me what to do about my body. Some of them should probably even take their own advice. So what if i’m not lifting weights everyday? I don’t see why I should spend so much effort building muscle which I most likely don’t even want. I’m the one who will have to maintain those muscles that you keep telling me to build anyway. Trying desperately to be as buff as everyone else is just going to teach more kids to down dangerous amount of protein shakes. I certainly can’t even say at all that all the people who were able to talk so much about how I should be treating my diet and exercise regime even care about my health at all.
I looked a lot worse when I was in lower secondary.
I am now 51.3 kg.
Certainly, I was a bit scared at the amount of muscle wasting that my sedentary lifestyle has inflicted on me, but I will make my own choices, and do something about it in my own way. I would also like to say that a lot of people who tell me that I’m skinny are super skinny themselves. I should be complaining to them about what an eyesore their lanky limbs are, with their bones seemingly trying to box their way out of their hips. I am fine with my current state of health, and for once I don’t mind weighing the amount that I weigh. I don’t care what people think about whether the weight i gain is fats or muscle cause it’s my life. Well, at least I thought I didn’t care, it’s just that they keep coming to me and telling me all this stuff. Well, I guess I have to say that I am glad about how self-deprecating most people are about their weight and their body. Even though they come to me telling me how to live my life, they also tell me what they don’t like about themselves, and I just want people to realize that feeling good about yourself is a real privilege, that I myself am struggling to one day achieve.
Today, I invited Amelia to my house for tea. Everyone else went to Carrefour.
Then, I made this! But it’s largely plagiarised, and I might get into trouble.
I wish my mom would’ve had the chance to further develop her career, so that at least one of us would have been successful. Could it be that everyone in this household never achieved anything they wanted to? That everyone’s miserable and bitter about their lives? Maybe that’s just how it is, and there’s nothing we can really do about it?
I always get very sensitive about the subject of people who wreck everything they touch. Whether or not i’m lonely, it’s my own fault — if I say that it’s my life, then it’s mine to ruin. If I cared about it I wouldn’t have ruined it. I feel like I’ll never know how I could ever be as good as everyone else, because the moment I try to do anything, I wreck something. I never meant for my life to turn out badly. There are so many ups and downs, one minute i’m peacefully asleep and the next everything’s a mess because of me. Even if I always hurt so many people, you would think that I could at least do one useful, helpful thing in my life. But in the long time I was alive I’ve never even accomplished that.
Could it be that there is an only person that I can ever be friends with, relate to, or talk to? Could it be that the only person I can understand is the only person who comes close to behaving like me? Do I have to end up only being friends with my dad? Maybe my mother and I are too different, since after all she’s a good person. Maybe all the time my mother spent with me was just a complete waste of her life because we can never be friends. After all this time, she could only leave not with nothing, but after having given up so much, and lost so much. So it appears Alina and I can’t be bestfriends after all, since my mom needs her appropriately-compatible bestfriend.
I wish my dad wasn’t my only option as a bestfriend. I wish that I could deserve a friend as good as everyone else’s. It’s my own fault for being what I am. I guess everyone sees it, that I’m exactly like him. And all this time I was foolish enough to think that just because i’m good friends with my older sister, some of that divine virtue would easy-as-that rub off on me, or that even more absurdly, people would think that we’re the same just because we hang out a lot. What does happen to Brooke in the end, after wrecking so many households and families? Will everyone really hate her forever? Surely everyone can eventually forgive husband-stealing?
Some get consumed by staring at a screen be it the computer, tv, or a game console. Take away my tv and computer, but as long as I have a mirror can waste hours and hours of my time, overcome with fathomless vanity, a consequence of which my eyes burn with tormenting pain.
Then there’s my imagination, you can see a distant expression that clearly marks my mental absence — i’m faraway in my dreamland where everyone is a girl and happily married, always sincere, caring, united, eating what they want, everything’s spacious, clean, calm, and organized. No starvation, self-consciousness, insecurity, contempt, distrust. Sometimes if you talk to me I’m never really there, I’m just in my head, alone but I don’t feel lonely. Not really, I’m just ignorant of the deranged state I leave myself in.
I need to throw away:
- Old bags
- Old boxes
- Old router and modem
- Old CD drive
- Old fan
- Old lamp
- My dad’s classic mac
- My dad’s old clothes (He’s the one who won’t seem to fit into them anymore and i still drown in them)
- Old hair accessories
- Old plastic containers (omg?)
- Aniza and ashraf’s old artwork (sorry, there’s no more Alina to frame it up)
- 9:00 am Leave for SK USJ 12 sports day rushing because already an hour late
- 11:10 am Send Ashraf and Marielle home
- 11:20 am Put lunch on the table since I won’t be home for lunch
- 11: 40 am Go back to SK USJ 12 to witness Aniza’s next event
- 12:40 pm Go home to take Adila to school
- 12:55 pm Arrive at SMK USJ 13
- 1:00 pm Go back to SK USJ 12 to witness Aniza’s next event
- 1:30 pm There’s only tug of war and teacher’s events but Aniza said she hasn’t ran
- 2:00 pm Find out that Aniza’s next event somehow doesn’t exist
- 2:20 pm Arrive home from SK USJ 12 sports day
What am I going to do about the car radio? I really don’t know who’ll be able to fix it.
That old dresser really is annoying. The whole thing has to go, along with everything in it! Why is there so much stuff in the matching wardrobe anyway? It’s clearly still functional but it’s just used to keep junk i.e. Dad’s old stuff. God, why w0n’t my dad get rid of all his old stuff?
I don’t think I have many clothes at all. In fact, i’m always like, what should i wear? I have nothing nice to wear!? It’s not like i bought a new outfit or anything, i’ve just been spending people’s money on food. Anyway, I just thought that right now my life is just me and my clothes, but obviously things aren’t that simple. I’m still hanging on to like new photo frames and photo albums and stuff that i’ve never used. Well, those are a must-keep anyway since they’ve never been used. So that just leaves my collection of assorted stationary and paper products. Hmm. I always did say that Oprah was unnecessarily harsh on those hoarders.
Sunday is another sports day omg! Hope the weather’ll be good.
There’s more, i know it, but I guess i’ll just have to right it down later when it starts bugging me again.
I’m going to end up complaining about a different thing that I want everyday.
Have you ever felt the frustration of coming home tired from a really long day’s work and then people who were staying at home all day complain to you about their problems at home and their lives? And you have to immediately run around fixing everything for them just so that they’d be somewhat satisfied, not that they actually needed any of it, they just like complaining and making up things?
Well, i’ve never experienced that, thank god. We leave that to the mature rational adults in the house. Okay, I suppose that also includes Adila. But I can tell you that it doesn’t include my dad, my grandma, Ashraf, Aniza, Me, and, well that brings me to put something else on the list. What list? Well, apparently i’m making lists nowadays. Not that I’m all trying to accomplish something big everyday. As if I ever. But still, there are things that need doing, and they’ve been that way for years.
We’ve Got Issues!
- Dad has a huge master bedroom and instead he’s pacing in the living room and bugging people in Ashraf’s room (the smallest room in the house)
- Uncle Chee’s present must be delivered!! How much more belated!?!
- Clean out the fridge omg! Years!
- Ashraf needs more than one drawer for his clothes
- Ashraf and Aniza now eat grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast
- Which brings me to the issue of weekday mornings – (1) Wake up early, in order to (2) Arrange Aniza and Ashraf’s bathroom queue (3) Their uniforms, camisoles, towels etc must already be prepared – arranged night before
- Dear kids, the reason I told Alina not to come home, aside from her being super busy with so much work to do, is that it costs money. Make the poor girl traverse the highways every week she’ll be broke. More than she already is.
- Fans and aircons. Perennial problems. Oh well, just continue to inhale dust while waiting for everything else to be sorted out.
- Order these items according to priority!!
Oh, and I should add, make less lengthy lists, and they should be proper lists in the first place, don’t just put some odd title and throw out everything! Organize organize!
I just want to post a photo from long ago.
I’ve always believed that I have the capability to work at something until I achieve what I want. No matter how impatient and wavering I get, I have the intention to win something in the end. Let the battle with the Cash Deposit Machine begin. One day I’ll learn how to effectively line up my notes.
This is my wishlist. I keep complaining about wanting this and that, so I figured I should write down the ones I remember so that way people (my siblings) won’t have to put up with my complaining so much.
- Handbags and Homicide Dorothy Howell
- L.A. Candy Lauren Conrad
- Love, Lies and Lizzie Rosie Rushton
- Love Happens Universal Pictures
- Post Grad 20th Century Fox
Yesterday, when Ashraf arrived home at six, tea was still on the table cause my grandma was sitting there for a while after having tea. Naturally, my dad rushed home in time to watch Idol which he loves so much, and when Ashraf was still catching his breath from doing a full day of school, kelas tambahan UPSR and Ko-Kurikulum, my dad swiped all the swiss rolls, Ashraf’s favourite. And Ashraf didn’t even know enough to feel hurt. The following day, my dad swiped all the curry puffs, also Ashraf’s favourite. Just because he wants to nibble on something while watching his precious Idol. Who cares about Idol anyway? Excuse me for being sane enough to not be in a midlife crisis. All my dad ever does is just be unnecessaily loud and complain about my grandma accidentally flooding the bathroom. He’s so inconsiderate of underweight children and elders in immense arthritic pain.
What’s worse, is that I have to sleep on the floor in his room. No one ever goes near his room cause it’s so vile, filthy and disgusting. He doesn’t even like being in it. It’s such a waste of space cause he has this huge room that no one goes into, with a tv and everything, and he doesn’t even use it. He just litters a whole lot of clutter everywhere.
He’s the one who keeps saying that he’s trying to lose weight!?! I even told him that no one calls him fat, and he should just be fine with how he is, but he’s all “I can lose this in a jiff”
In order to get a triple bypass, you need to make it to a hospital first. They don’t call it sudden cardiac death for nothing.
I went to The 19 last night, and only upon arriving there I remembered that I forgot to bring my wallet.
Omg, Mom, i’m so sorry, I forgot to bring Dad’s credit card!
Oh, yes I forgot about that too. Nevermind I’ll just use amex.
What a waste. A complete waste. Sighed the frustrated oversized whiney annoying baby. I really need to wake up earlier. I always feel so groggy, tired, and unmotivated. Then I can get more things done in a day.
I would just like to announce that all my faithful blog readers (haha) should proceed to register in order to comment (haha how can non-existent people comment?).
I can’t believe it’s already been a week since I posted!
Anyway, the topic of discussion on this blogpost is Saturday 27 March 2010.
I didn’t realize that my younger sister (Adila) was at school that morning, or that my other younger sister (Aniza) was going to her friend’s birthday party later, or that Adila had to leave for her piano lesson at the same time that Aniza had to leave for the birthday party. And my younger brother (Ashraf ) was having friends over to do a school project. Everyone had plans except me!
Anyway, after I sent Adila home, I rushed around Taipan, desperately looking for parking due to my lack of double-parking skills. I think I must’ve circled the triangle like 10 times. I knew that I was supposed to buy Aniza’s friend two big Cadbury bars. So I thought to myself, I’ll take the biggest bar I can find. I couldn’t find anything even remotely reasonably-sized. I didn’t have enough confidence to drive myself to Cold Storage, since I’ve never tried to, nor do I know how to go anywhere else. So I hoped that by some miracle guardian would have something gift-worthy. I just took two 4-square-wide bars because I knew I couldn’t waste anymore time. There was no present, and it was time to get wrapping.
So when I arrived home, I was so relieved that (my mom made a meal in advance before leaving in the morning) there was plenty in the fridge to eat for lunch. It was almost one and I’d left everyone at home starving. I would’ve liked to bring everyone out, but I was quite broke, grandma would’ve suffered with her knee pain, it was already late, and actually I don’t think they would’ve liked to anyway.
So there I was feeling so proud as if I wrapped Wirdani’s present so nicely that I didn’t realise that it was 2.45, and with one car, I was supposed to already be headed to USJ 3 and/or Pizza Hut Taipan.
So, what time is piano class?
okay. Aniza, what time’s the Wirdani’s party?
In an insane rush, I tried to figure out how a person with really bad driving was supposed to accomplish this. To make things worse, I didn’t realise that it was both Wirdani
and her twin brother’s birthday! And the present was wrapped as one, and I wrote Wirdani’s name really big on the card.
So later, at 4 while I was struggling to remember where I had just sent Adila only an hour earlier. I realised that Teacher Yvonne’s house is situated in a really high-traffic area of USJ. And the guards already have to deal with a flood of people going in and out, and now i’m supposed to feign some interpersonal skills and not come off as a total creep who shouldn’t be allowed to enter USJ 3 ever again. After about a million and a half wrong turns later, I got to Adila 15 minutes late, but thankfully she was okay about waiting.
And, it turns out Aniza had so much fun, there was pizza-making and go-stand-in-the-freezer and ice cream cake and everything! *Wants Wirdani’s (and/or her twin brother’s) life* It was 6.15 and her parents were still waiting downstairs for parents to pick up the remaining guests.
So I had hoped that my shift for the day was finished, but the house was a complete mess and I hadn’t touched the mop, vacuum cleaner, etc. in ever in my life. And to this day I still haven’t. So clearly my pay being docked (or rather voided) doesn’t go without reason. Just be thankful that you’re allowed to drive, Azreen.
Thanks to Misty, I’ve just got this blog back up after so long. There was a problem with the previous server, i’ve taken excerpts from my hosts’ main site.
the previous domain host, Vizaweb, is out of business and neglected to inform their customers of such. Their support centre is running without a live person and their telephone number is no longer in service. [Misty] managed to contact the right organization to keep the domain online. [She’s] invested in a new domain host now.
There’ll be plenty to come soon, but I’m working on getting things going. After not having blogged for so long, all of this kind of feels new to me, but I’m really glad to be back! What a relief, I finally have my blog again!