When I think about last time I feel like crying, I can’t decide between the many low moments of high school. I was miserable in high school, but a there were a few times in lower secondary I was happy. In form 2, I was able to cope. Somehow. I have no idea what happened. I somehow was just not confident anymore. People just came up to me and asked me why I didn’t keep it up anymore. Why I lost it. There were so many big parts of my life that I felt I lost. Ultimately, I can never feel that young again. I’m always tired everyday now. When I look back at Charmed and Buffy, I really wonder if there was anything real or meaningful in my life then. Maybe it was my ignorance that made me so blissfully unaware. I think that happiness is just a perfect storm of luck. A constellation of coincidences that fall in your favour. Now, everywhere I turn there’s a mishap. There’s more of my unpreparedness that I have to make up for. I’m skating on such thin ice everyday. There’s always something that doesn’t even have to give that big of a nudge to tip the scale, and then my whole week takes a bad turn. I always said I liked peaceful and boring. I thought that maybe when i’m older and my life inevitably gets more complicated, I would learn something and somehow improve from it. But everyday it’s just one overwhelming thing after another and I don’t know how I can survive. Ironically enough, it’s the same old issues since I was young. I guess I just didn’t really have to confront it then.
The real reason that you want me to have facebook account is simply because you want it to be easier to keep in touch with me. I’m supposed to be so flattered that you want it to be as easy as possible to contact me. In fact, it amazes me how you want to do as little as you can for another person. This is exactly what i’ve been trying to tell you and everyone else — this it’s what’s wrong with the world! My blog has been around for ages, but no, it has to be facebook. I don’t ask for much. If you think about me, simply pick up the phone and call me. For goodness sake i’m not asking you to come visit my house. I don’t care, don’t remember my birthday. Forget my birthday, I really don’t mind. It’s better than a wallpost, which I really don’t want. I’m not going to thank anyone for a wallpost! If that’s the only time you want to remember me, then don’t bother, please. I understand people are busy. I only call them pretentious when they manipulate me in their quest for attention. If they ignore me I have nothing to say about them. Even better for me, actually.
For the millionth time i’m going to blog about how sad, lonely, and disappointed i am. I don’t want to keep having to peddle myself so hard. I shouldn’t have to convince someone how upset I am, because i’m not like a sales rep or something. It’s always a sales meeting or something. Unless I really hustle and sell it, no one, not even my mom is going to take a second glance at the idea. It’s just not worth anyone’s time. No one would want to even invest any perspective on it. Innocent children, their future development, and their need for encouragement at difficult times in their school life. Not a worthy enough cause. Especially if it doesn’t involve anything exciting like travelling or some kind of gala. Or someone famous backing it up. I feel like i’m always being instructed how to feel and react towards things, and that i’m not allowed to be upset unless it’s as serious as everyone else. Or unless it’s about someone else.
I’ve made it very clear that i’d rather die alone than be someone else’s posse. Both are actually equally miserable, but I don’t think anyone would understand why it’s come to this extent. I don’t know if anyone would even want to understand. No one wants to hear me. The reason i’ve always been afraid of confrontations is actually because i know exactly how bad it’ll turn out. I always know that my sisters and mom won’t believe me. Everything that I said hurts me is actually in my head, and that way no one should have to hear about it because it’s not real. I just make up feelings to make myself miserable. Because i’m so desperate for attention. Because I want to be those attention-seekers. That’s why I jump on every opportunity for socialites to manipulate me because at least they talk to me, and I feel important. Their approval of me means everything to me. I shouldn’t waste my time looking for friends who actually want me to be happy. Knowing lots of people is being happy. Not caring about someone because they care about you. Just reputation and status. That’s always so much more important than how anyone feels. There’s always something to be prioritized than how someone feels about something. Like arbitrary milestones in life, and dating. No one should ever have to go through the trouble of sticking around to see if i’m okay. Even if they’re related to me. They should just follow where the party goes. If i’m alone, that’s because i’m stupid, not because I see something more important than being seen at the scene.
I don’t want to be valued by how much I earn, who I know, what I can do for you. Why can’t I just be a person? Why do I have to be worth something to anyone? Why can’t you just want to know what i’m thinking about? Even just for the hell of it? I have no one to look to for guidance. I can’t do it all by myself. No one will believe me. There’s no one left to try to convince i’m not insane. For wanting what’s really important in life. It’s always just shut up, and carry on with the same disappointment. The problem goes away cause there was nothing worth talking about anyway. But everyday it’s still on my shoulders, I still look away from every conversation, it’s still there.
Ashley Benson was on Jimmy Kimmel last night, and she looked gorgeous as always. She talked about being a Lakers fan, and about how she’s dating JB’s swag-coach. Brendan Robinson says that Ashley’s really funny and is the official prankster on set. She’s just a beautiful charismatic girl who loves to have fun. She’s just amazing!
I was disappointed though, cause I was hoping that there would be spoilers about the show.
Tyler Blackburn is also really great. He was very wholehearted about abcfamily’s Delete Digital Drama — he asked friends and fans to pick up the issue of seventeen read the article and tweet a what they’ll do to stop cyber bullying. Emily Osment was so gorgeous in Cyberbully, and she sounded amazing in her live performance at the rally.
This blog entry turned out to be all about abcfamily omg.
My whole life people have been telling me that I should do what I want, and not what people tell me to do. The reason they tell me that, obviously is because they want me to choose my own path in life, and find something that makes me happy.
But, doing something for the right reasons also means that you should do what you want, not what will specifically make people angry. I don’t play with hearts, I don’t toy with people’s feelings. I have my own feelings and problems. So why do I feel like everyone is constantly making it about them, as if i’m purposely setting out to make things difficult for them?
As most of you would have realized by now, or should have, i’m talking about my dad. I think that he’s evil. You can like him all you want, I don’t care, i’m just saying that I think he’s evil. Some people even say that he’s gregarious and easygoing. What on earth? Today at dinner, he kept making really cheap and annoying jokes like ‘why is 6 afraid of7’ and ‘what starts and ends with T and has T in it’. I hate elementary school, I don’t want to go back there, and yet he keeps badgering us with all of these lame jokes that no one even responds to. I’ve never met someone so desperate for attention in my life. It’s so nauseating when you keep hearing the blare of some disgusting voice that you don’t want to hear. And what’s worse, I have to look at his face. Gross! You people can keep telling me that he’s just a normal-looking human being I don’t care, I hate looking at him! And he totally stinks up the whole house!
I actually wanted to talk about shopping, cause for a while I kept insisting to myself that I shouldn’t buy myself anymore new clothes, so that way when I spend too much on expensive food it isn’t that bad. Since I can rationalize that I eat food anyway, so it’s a good way to justify what I spend. But i’m so jealous of how everyone’s enjoying the sales! I really really want to have new clothes, but I hate fashion cause fashion made my life miserable. When I was younger and was able to know myself and be sure of myself, I thought that I was free from ever doubting myself again, but then I lost everything I liked about myself and was no longer able to recognize that person staring back in the mirror. Now I really have no idea what I do and don’t like to wear, and i’m always feeling unsure. I have no confidence to wear anything. And I keep thinking everything I have isn’t nice enough. And I keep wearing formulaic t-shirts and jeans.
Once upon a time I was an individual who was strong in my opinions and beliefs. I was a creative and passionate person. Now, I just wish I could be. I don’t know what changed, but I just don’t have any inspiration for anything. Doing creative stuff always made me happy, but now I feel like i’m just out of ideas. I used to say all this weird boastful stuff like ‘graphic design is my hobby’. But now I feel self-conscious about everything about me, and i just can’t commit myself to even attempting to make any kind of ‘design’ because I don’t have the strong convictions to back it up with. Everyone has Illustrator now, and they even use tablets. I can’t even vector stuff, and everyone has made their own like brush sets and patterns and stuff. I don’t even know how it all works now. Everything’s like so different from when I was ‘designing’ back in the day. How could I even call it designing? How deluded was I to think that just putting some stuff together made me like an artist of some sort. I was so happy when I was at Hakunetsu.Org I wish I could go back to that. I’m so old now. I mean, you only want hot young things with new ideas and a fresher take on things. That’s basically my problem right now with any kind of art. Can you teach an old dog new tricks? I just feel like, what else did I ever enjoy doing? Maybe I could try this again just to see if I enjoy it, I don’t necessarily have to be super proud of it, but what’s the point if it makes me feel disappointed with myself.
I can’t believe how much I like watching Audrina! I absolutely love Casey Patridge, and how she’s able to handle her mom so gracefully. When I saw Casey having dinner with her mom and her sister, and her mom was scolding her for not ordering something healthy, I was so stunned! She had to whisper to the waiter what her order was cause her mom kept shouting at her not to eat dessert only. That’s exactly the same thing I do when I’m out with my family! However, Casey is happily married to Kyle. I get so jealous watching the two of them cause they’re so happy and madly in love with each other. And Kyle is always so supportive of her and never says anything mean to Lynn even when she’s behaving psycho-ish.
My friends are always advising me, and helping me in my effort to be more frugal. I’m not sure that’s the word. It would’ve been a lot harder if I had to do it all by myself. I feel like i’m constantly looking to other people to know what’s normal and how my life is supposed to turn out, cause everything about me is so dysfunctional. My point is, i’d rather be around people who give me helpful advice, rather than just throw their dissatisfaction in my face, and make me feel like i’m not and never will be able to be more frugal because i’m incompetent and weak as a human being.
All those people in relationships, why do you guys have to work so hard? Shouldn’t your spouse be the easiest person in the world to talk to? It just really makes me wonder how these people are able to keep their relationships intact, especially those kids who suffer so much pressure from parents who like to manipulate their feelings, make them feel guilty for everything, and control them so that they will give everything they have to their parents. It’s these kids who are starved for real love and search endlessly to fill that void in their life. They just end up emotionally dead, and a shell of a human being.
Once, I told myself that I shouldn’t watch shows with child actors, because a lot of parents push their kids into show business because they want their kids to make them a lot of money. Sure, the kids enjoy their job, but ultimately they miss out on their own childhood and their own lives. Once you’re older and not so cute anymore, you’re just going to get fired — kids or tween shows don’t go on forever, and then when all you’ve only ever known is acting, what else could you possibly be left with? Why would anyone consider a former child actor for serious adult roles? It’s a really tough business, but evidently, these parents are able to peddle that they’re doing the best for their kids. They’re clearly using their kids, controlling them, and probably don’t even tell them that they love them. Then the kids feel like they have no one to turn to, because they face the pressure of having to support their parents and they don’t want to disappoint their parents who supposedly love them so damn much.
Your parents should be the easiest people in the world for you to bond with. Clearly, there are so many parents who should get themselves professional help. If not, they just end up causing those same problems and worse to their kids, from having to grow up around their issues and conflicts. Do parents ever even realize how much is at stake? Being the only people that your child can rely on for anything, they keep making their kids feel like their disappointing their parents. I think it’s actually the other way around. There’re plenty of kids who have been raised from a young age by step-parents. With such a high divorce rate, clearly blood relations isn’t the most important thing anymore. If you want your kids to be there and take care of you when you’re old, it’s recommendable that you be there for them since the start to raise them and support them and encourage them. After all, i thought that that’s how you build a relationship.
I think it’s acceptable for me to say that whoever doesn’t read my blog clearly doesn’t care about me at all. People all around me go on facebook for hours everyday, so they clearly have the time to type in my URL in their web browser and look at a sentence or two from the most recent post. This is aside from commenting. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to say that anyone who wants to know what’s going on in my life should have read my blog. It’s not like i’m asking that you read every single post in it. This is actually making it easier for you to know about what’s going on in my life, so why on earth would you skip it? Reading my blog can tell you exactly what i’m thinking about before I even tell you. That’s how useful it can be for you.
There’s so much dead air in conversations that I have with people. That’s the perfect time for them to bring up my blog and ask me about the post that they read. I’m glad to tell you about it so that you don’t have to read the entire entry. But do they? No they never do!!
I’m sure most of you realise by now that i’m talking about my family. Who is most of you anyway? Who am I talking to? Cause clearly no one ever reads this blog, you can clearly see how evident it is from the number of comments.
Is it still irrational for me to hate facebook? Mom? I know that I sound crazy for wanting this kind of attention, but it’s only from the people who supposedly care so much about me. My goodness, on facebook your kids can easily conceal something from being viewable by your account. It’s that easy. But my blog that’s open to everyone on the planet who knows the URL, that’s the one you don’t want to visit? It’s just typing in a URL and reading a few sentences. Reading. Once upon a time people would read books, and then people read articles online, and now people just poke each other on facebook and play angry birds. This really isn’t that new and complicated.
Not only am I hearing my thoughts, i’m reading them, and I know how they sound. This is not the kind of person that I wanted to be. And I never expected for these people to not read my blog!
Oh my. I can’t believe puasa is next month. So fast. I’m so scared. I don’t have any baju raya yet. Neither do my siblings. What will we all wear? I don’t want to bake cookies. What is and isn’t acceptable is so arbitrary.
Here is why I am unable to be a good, reliable and helpful friend. It’s because I have never seen my parents genuinely like being around each other, so I have never had a good relationship to model after. Sure, my sister and I are good friends, but she is after all my sister. How do I approach someone and talk to them for the first time, if my sister was there my whole life and knows everything about me? I depend on my sisters so much because i’m unable to confront my own fears and insecurities. So how am I supposed to help someone else through them? I don’t think it’s my fault that i’m unable to have a healthy friendship with anyone, and i don’t think it’s fair that i’m in this situation. I really do want a bestfriend, but if I hardly see myself as worth caring about, how am I going to care about someone else? I see my parents make sacrifices for me. But sure, they make sacrifices for my sisters. I really don’t have anything to offer that sets me apart from them, or even matches me with them. I’m just tagging along with them. How will I ever accomplish something that will make me worthwhile as a human being? I wish I could be someone who is worth the time of day to someone.
Is it really abuse if my dad had a reason for it? All over the country parents physically punish their kids for bad results. It’s nothing new. I provoked my dad and that’s what makes him angry all the time. But we’re never able to work through any of it. And everyone else suffers because of it too. I’m not trying to burden my family. Neither of us know exactly where the problem lies. I don’t want to be bitter about my dad forever. I don’t expect any apologies from him. We were supposed to talk about our problems with each other a long time ago. But until now, my dad doesn’t want to talk about it to anyone, and insists that i’m inconveniencing him without reason. I’ve listened to him throw his dissatisfactions with me in my face for years, but he doesn’t actually talk about it properly. My sister says it’s not worth it to cry over this, and especially not because of him. I sometimes think that it’s not worth it to even try to accept him as my father, but I know that my dad isn’t going to feel better about this unless he talks about it with me. Even if he has my mom all to himself, it’s still not going to make him happy and that’s not just because her heart is somewhere else. There’s no point in him making everything about him if he doesn’t even confront how he really feels about this and what the source of it all really is. If I died before him, he won’t have the satisfaction of having confronted me about any of his issues with me first. It’s not about pointing out the other person’s mistakes, it’s about being honest about your feelings and identifying what it really is that’s hurting you, and what you really want in life.
My mom and sister have been telling me that I should get professional help. But therapy isn’t just talking to someone. I don’t even know what I should talk to a therapist about anyway. I should want to do it for my own reasons, not because people tell me to, because otherwise it’s just not going to work.
Okay. I think that my main problem is, that for a few months now, i’ve been having problems focusing. On anything. My mind just can’t concentrate on what’s happening in front of me. I’m always preoccupied with something, but i’m not sure what it is. My memory is getting worse, and I keep forgetting where I put my stuff. People even ask me if i’m still listening. A lot of people have noticed how vacant I can be. I think my mind is. Most of the time. I always feel tired.
I really think the best thing for me right now is to just be in a clean, spacious room, by myself, where I can sit down to a meal quietly. I just need a peaceful environment. But not just an intermittent quiet 5 minutes at home. I need to feel what it’s like to live in a place where it’s calm and without lots of people. I know that people say that I always complain about having no company and no one likes to come near me cause they’re so disgusted by me and that I always say that I have no one t0 talk to. But if i’m going to be without anyone, it might as well be in a quiet environment. There’s no point hanging around some people hoping one of them will suddenly magically change into a sincere person and care about me. I shouldn’t waste my time or anyone else’s.
I think that’s what my younger siblings have been deprived of for so long. All anyone deserves is their own space to do their homework, but my younger siblings don’t even have their own desks, much less a quiet space for them to study. Sure they can seem happy with their lives in front of my relatives and other people, but the reality is there in those few marks they miss out on. I feel really bad that they’re all cramped in one house. At least my younger brother has his own room now.
Tv has for so long been used as a substitute for family activities, and it’s really sad. I feel especially guilty that i’m the one watching Brothers and Sisters and everything else.
Anyway, how will anything ever change? It’s all too much and too hard, and I don’t think I can do it myself.
I watched Date Night and it was so funny! Omg, it was so exciting too! Leighton Meester was gorgeous and exquisite as the babysitter, of course. They’re such a cute couple I wish I could be like them. I almost cried cause it was so sweet and touching. I was feeling more teary at Casey’s speech for Audrina’s parents’ wedding anniversary. I say that like I actually attended the party. It’s actually funny. Anyway, the whole thing is so crazy I would hate for it to happen to a real couple.
When I watched Audrina, I learned that in a dinner party, it’s etiquette for you to sit not next to the person you came with. So this is for all you couples at parties — stop showing off how deeply madly and passionately in honeymoon you are and start interacting with the real world. Apparently, separating from the person you came with will help you to talk to everyone else better.
I love my beautiful black hair. I hate having black hair. It’s not actually that contradicting. My black hair is indeed gorgeous and I love it, i’m sure all of you think so too. Unfortunately, having black hair tends to be super boring cause everyone else has chestnut, auburn, or gold hair. Not only that, but their dye jobs look really expensive. So everyone walks up to me surprised that i’m 21 and not in school anymore. My main issue is, that I hate when people are condescending towards me simply because of my appearance, in that they think that I so need their approval of me, like I don’t know anything about people. Cause I look so tame and schooly. For a while, these younger kids treated me like I was some desperate fan of their clique who so wanted to be an insider. They bossed me around and thought that it was such an honour for me to be even considered to attend their social events. These are exactly the type of people I loathe. So, it’s not really about me wanting to dye my hair — I actually have to dye my hair. Cause that’s the only thing that I can do that these ‘socialites’ can’t. Cause they’re still in school! This is my life now, having school kids look down on me just cause they’re so obsessed with themselves and with how popular they are. I’ve never seen people more in love with themselves. And partly for this reason, I also hate short hair! My hair is short now, I have no idea why I had it cut. Wait, I think it was getting a bit hot. Or something. I guess I was a bit influenced by Jessica Stroup. I don’t really mind how my short hair looks on me, it’s just that short hair isn’t really worth dyeing. Oh well. I’m not gonna be dyeing my hair anytime soon anyway, what with raya coming up and me not wanting the extended family to look disapprovingly at me. Unlike these condescending younger socialites, I actually think about my family. Which for them is something not to even be mentioned cause it’s ‘not cool’, unless you have a relative in show business.
Okay, for about 2 years now, my third molar on each side have been coming in. Or out. I don’t know what the correct phrase is. Anyway, it’s been causing like pain, ulcers and fevers now and again, but i just kept putting it off. Even though they’re not entirely erupted, they’re very visible and the whole surface is exposed beyond the gum line. My already big mouth is really crowded with teeth. I thought I had four molars extracted for my braces. I remember being there and she was pulling them out. How am I still with too many teeth? Anyway, i’m too scared to get my third molar extraction because I don’t think it’s erupted enough for a pair of forceps to get a good grip on it. I don’t want any surgical incisions, just a simple extraction under local anaesthetic. But even then, i’m still scared.
Yesterday I went to Empire with my family and we ate at Madam Kwan’s for dinner! No pictures, sorry, was too busy eating to take any. Anyway, I ran into sarah and we had to immediately go home because it was my younger sister’s music exam the following day.
Well, this is it! My 100th post on my new blog platform. I can’t believe that i only got this far after one year. Speaking of my blog, once upon a time I had my website hosted at netfirms.com, and now they’re abolishing free accounts, so everyone is moving right along.
I have no idea what it was that I used to do that was so much fun. I don’t want to just watch Audrina, it’s not fun enough. I need to figure out what it is I like to do, cause I feel like i’m surrounded by things that I really don’t like. Actually, not physically surrounded by them, I just keep hearing about things that I hate. Like hip hop, gordon ramsey, and other reality show judges.
Okay, I completely failed to get passes at the WorldStage Roadshow. I had no idea what was going on, and even if I did get picked to get up on the stage, I wouldn’t have known the answers to the questions. We got to watch An Honest Mistake perform, and they were really good. I was so scared, cause everything was happening really fast, and all the other fans that were there were really hardcore. It’s so intimidating. Utt really kept helping the contestants with the answers, and then VJ Holly was like ‘ really? not brown instead?”. Jin was really funny! Gosh throughout the whole thing my heart was beating so fast, I was so nervous even though I wasn’t even up on stage. It was so much fun but I didn’t get any tickets! Maybe it wasn’t meant to be? No, if I wanted it enough, they would see it and ask me to get on stage and do the QandA. Wow! I can’t believe I was standing so close to so many celebs! Yea, I must’ve been so starstruck that I couldn’t function. But sometimes I get like that around other people too.
Today I want to talk about a certain thing that happened to me when I was in highschool. This girl came to my house. She ordered pizza. Then she wanted to wash her hands. They left the faucet running. Her friend suggested that they clean up after themselves. She spurned the idea, and said that i’m here to clean everything up. This story sounds crazy and hard to believe. But that’s exactly what happened. I never imagined myself being jealous of someone like that six years later, yet here I am. I don’t like being treated like the help, but people think that just because i don’t have any plans with anyone, i’m always available to do their bidding.
I really want to go Curve tomorrow, but what if there’s roadblocks because of that Bersih rally?
So Bristol Palin was on the View promoting her memoir, ‘Not Afraid of My Life: My Journey so Far’. Hearing about whatever kind of relationship she had with Levi is so agonizing. How could she possibly be willing to drag out such a humiliating life experience just to get money and fame? Barbara Walters asked some pretty harsh questions, but apparently it was all to be taken lightly. What Bristol did was wrong, but how she was questioned about it wasn’t right either. I don’t think she actually confronted any real issues in her appearance. She seriously just wanted to show her face and get people to buy her book. I would have hoped she would say her piece and provide some new perspective to the girls on the show. After it was done, she left, and they think exactly the same of her and her situation. Worse in fact.
Speaking of single parents, Nadya Suleman was on The Today Show. So she said that she’s not getting paid for doing interviews. But when asked how she’s supporting her kids, she says she hired a manager and has been booked for appearances. So apparently people are supposed to let her live her life since she’s not getting public assistance money. The cast ended up having to help her with her kids. Jonathan is doing a minor surgery for his cleft lip tomorrow. She really makes herself seem committed to her kids. I wonder if she is.
And then there’s the Casey Anthony trial. And Kim K under fire for her tweets about it. If I lived in the US would I really be able to get away with murder? But right here at home there’re people who’ve got away with it too apparently.
Anyway, for my favourite and adorable special readers, I placed a treat for you in the full post. Simply click read more of you want to see it, hope you like it.
Heidi was on ENews! I feel so sad about how she has to put on how happy she is with her marriage. I actually always liked her music. I can’t believe Jake Pavelka is also on VH1’s Famous Food. He’s so gross.
Today’s open day was really scary. Stepping into that compound/building was really nerve-wracking, but I felt a little better about it compared to last time. Pn Zuliana recognised me, and I said hi, she actually was talking to me, but she herself was in the middle of escorting a parent. Once again, all the teachers advise that the kids should work harder. If only it were that simple.
Okay, I finished watching United States of Tara, and it was so touching and heartfelt and sweet. I didn’t cry cause it all happened so fast. Kate made so much progress, and I feel so amazed at how mature she’s become. I always loved how headstrong and opinionated she is.
Why is everyone talking about Will & Kate at the BAFTAs? Elegance came back a long time ago, we didn’t need this recessionista’s incessant rewearing to do it. And what’s worse, Oprah is competing with The View to get Pippa?!? Well at least she’s pretty and can actually talk about stuff.
Okay, PDRM roadblocks everywhere. Cause of the Bersih campaign thingy? I’m confused. Apparently it’s expected to go on till next week? cause there’s concern for public safety? And there’s a rally of some sort? I just know that everyone’s having trouble getting to work today, like with the three-laner at Segi converted to one lane. The jam is pretty severe, lotsa angry people. Everyone is not happy that the popos are doing roadblocks but they haven’t caught the acid splasher. Someone please explain to me!
Oh my my. Already at post 96. Soon i’ll hit the 100 mark. It doesn’t feel as special as I thought it would be. I don’t want to be like this. Old, scared, clinging to a life that no longer exists.
I’ve been struggling for so long trying to figure out if I want to be myself or like everyone else. Both aren’t much fun. If I try to act and charade my way through life, would there be any point in living? When people talk to me and expect cookie-cutter appropriate reactions, am I wasting my time mimicking social norms rather than making an emotional connection with someone? Does this even make sense?
A lot of people don’t understand the difference between caring and caretaking. Honestly, I’m not so sure myself. I do know that if you care, you’ll be there for someone when they get hurt. If you’re a caretaker to someone, you’re coddling them when they don’t need you to. As children, we often see these two roles so closely blended which isn’t a surprise as most relationships modelled to us are far more complicated than they should be. A lot of kids have their heads filled with ideas that they have the ability to hold people together or break them apart, namely their parents. These expectations are too high even for young adults. No one should have to shoulder that much responsibility for other people’s relationships. That’s what a caretaker is. It’s all very puzzling to me.
Is my life just intervals of stability? All this time have I just kept doing the same thing and hoping for a different result? I honestly don’t know how i’ll cope with more difficult things that adults face when I can’t even muster the courage to confront the real issues that I have now.
I should’ve bought macaroons when I had the chance. I’m so sad, I miss those days when I would to go to like Gloria Jeans just for tea and cake. I can’t remember what it’s like to eat an eclair or even trifle. I really wish I could eat pie. Just the other day I drank coke, but it feels like i’ve been trying to cut down caffeine for months.
As you should have noticed, had you visited my blog, I am now using imgur rather than yfrog for uploading images. Even then, I still have problems. And then there’s the question of the photo itself. I will try not to take such bad photos, but I won’t promise anything.
A bad photo, but a photo nonetheless.
Okay, for this post I particularly wanted to talk about Tori and Jade. As most of you would have noticed, they really are quite similar. More alike than Tori and Trina should logically be. Jade had good reason to tell off Tori for rubbing her boyfriend. After all, Beck himself said that she’s probably making it worse. The perennial problem with whiny and wingy Tori is that getting into Hollywood Arts in the first place wasn’t even something she was looking for. It was handed to her. And while she’s complaining about everyone being so much more artsy and creative than she is — or rather everyone actually being artsy and creative compared to her, the real problem is that those kids worked to get to where they are, and she on the other hand never knew how to put any effort into even her day to day charades of trying to be likable at school. Of course, everyone didn’t think that Tori was this problematic, and hence only a true visionary, a genius would be able to see what Tori really is. And treat her how she actually deserves to be treated. Tori and Jade do eventually get along, but Jade is probably the only one who knows how much Tori is actually capable of, and how little drive she has to achieve it. I suppose one big difference between Tori and Jade is that Jade actually knows what she wants in life.
I should not be watching reality shows.
There are many reasons that they’re terrible. Mainly, they market themselves as opportunities for people to make big achievements. They go so far as to say that they could change people’s lives. Especially shows like Idol and ANTM, audition thousands and thousands of contestants. These are huge, heavily backed projects with plenty of means. However, they spend a lot of time talking up contestants who do very well on the show, and contestants who are anything less are continuously insulted under the guise of giving constructive criticism. A show that claims to give opportunities and help people actually just gathers people together and puts them in front of a huge audience to be humiliated. Most of the idol contestants are trained singers. The logical next step for these people are to keep doing shows, and eventually sign with an independent label. Yes, the prize is an extravagant recording contract, but the show is the only place where people who have no other means of being singers get a chance. People who couldn’t afford vocal training and can’t catch a break. Even if you want to take on contestants who’re already good, then at least provide skill development for the other contestants who made it through. Instead of rewarding people who already have great skills, how about give something to the single moms, the handicapped, orphans, or those with precarious livelihood.
On ANTM, you see all these girls just holed up together in this house. They keep someone who’ll provoke the other girls to keep the ratings up, and then when someone doesn’t win a challenge, instead of cultivating improvement, they’re either punished or just sent to their rooms where they won’t be improving.
I understand that it’s a competition, but if you’re not going to give them anything, why drag it out for so long? You can just have everyone compete for a day and pick one winner. Clearly the judges are doing a bad job for not being able to spot the best from early on. They make such a big fuss about how hard it is for them to decide, but when someone doesn’t do well they’re not shy about criticizing.
Especially in Hell’s Kitchen, Gordon encourages in-fighting and keeps putting all the blame on one person for the whole dinner service. And he likes to shout at one person in front of everyone, humiliating them. And people keep watching cause it’s all so shocking. And in MasterChef, the judges shamelessly eat so much of each dish. They can easily have their meal at work, and yet they look with disgust when something tastes less then amazing.
Contestants do get publicity, but it only goes so far. It’s not much especially when you compare it with how much the judges get paid. I realise that if I don’t like it, I can get a more wholesome perspective of reality by watching a documentary. It’s a shame, that’s all. Instead of simply being survival of the toughest, it’s influenced so heavily by ratings and overproduction.
I absolutely hate Pappa Johns! I hate it so much I want to burn down each branch! They’re so irritating! Do people even like pizza that much anyway?!?
So Mizz Nina tied the knot with Noh yesterday. Meh. An almost ten grand Michael Ong, a Shangri-La reception, and another reception at DoubleTree by Hilton. All the elitist and egotistical makings of a humble and down-to-earth wholesome newlywed couple. Of course, they need a two-week honeymoon in rome to take a break from their exhausting and taxing careers. They’ve been working so hard, that’s why we’re always hearing their songs and know who the hell they are. Wait, the dowry was only 11 grand? Only 150 guests? I mean, I thought this is a wedding combined with a birthday party.
I would have thought Joe Jonas would want lots of wardrobe changes and vanity shots in See No More. The video is an incoherent mess. And don’t get me started about the actual single. Why on earth does it open with rap? The single is called See No More, but what he’s been doing no more of is shaving. So much autotune! Shame!
Kate looks amazing in that Jenny Packham! But I still prefer Leighton Meester. Apart from her wide array of hats, does Pippa’s weird sister really have so much to offer? Her husband is balding after all.Why does everyone keep saying that she’s beautiful? Her forehead is big, her shoulders are broad, and her lips are thin. She’s kind of man-ish. Leighton looks so pretty in that Carven. She’s so beautiful. Much more beautiful. She so should have won that round of _____ Stole My Look.
Why is Jennifer Hudson on the cover of Elle?!? Why is everyone shedding the pounds and becoming so fit?!? I hate her! I admit that I haven’t been taking care of myself, but it’s hard. I really struggle with trying to have a healthy lifestyle. So far i’ve been able to wake up early, and i’ve been drinking lots of water. I don’t think it’s fair that i’m expected to exercise so much because this is all new to me, and it’s not like I have a gym buddy or something. Today I am 51kg. It’s been really busy. I think the most important step is to have some peace and calmness, some time by myself. It’s always so hectic here. It’s crazy.
Okay, cork wedges. They don’t actually go well with a lot of stuff. Platform cork wedges especially. I mean sure, if you’re just going to get coffee with a tank top and jeans then yes they’ll complement your outfit. But with a dress? Or to a lunch meeting? And worse, to an evening event?!? How does that go? I don’t understand. I especially don’t understand putting them together with frocks. Like when you’re wearing a frock with leggings. If you’re wearing high-waisted pants, or a cute midi skirt, cork wedges aren’t exactly the shoes that will bring out how flattering your outfit is.
I think it’s very clear that when you’re wearing a tunic, only then would you put it together with cork wedges. Is it even suitable for work? I really doubt it. Do your colleagues not look over in dread thinking you’re trailing into the office all that sand from the beach you were just at?
I realise that i’m not an authority on the subject, and I shouldn’t sound so condescending. Especially since I didn’t use a picture to illustrate what I mean or show examples. But I would like to know how and why it works, because so far I haven’t seen it work all that great!
Okay, so for those who don’t already know, as much as I think Joe was successfully trying to make a good change in the company, i’m definitely team Erin. I know, talking about MTV’s The City two years after it ended is really old, but people are still following Joe Zee and Seth Plattner because of that show. Maybe as soon as I get to watch VH1’s Audrina, then I wouldn’t be going on and on about The City so much.
Erin is a super successful publicist who shouldn’t have to explain herself to a newbie, and Joe Zee as a creative director has very little time left to do his job , which is to come up with images for the magazine as a result of having to keep all of these girls from various different departments together. He’s spending hours dealing with Erin and Olivia. I totally agree with Erin in that everyone should realize that no one really needs her, and the fact that things were going so well in Japan shows that maybe Olivia should just stay there. Maybe Erin should have shared more information about the price points for the dresses and stuff with Olivia, but if she doesn’t even want to listen then what’s the point? She smiles a lot, and and takes credit from Joe, but when Erin asked her if she’s going to the trade shows, she could have at least asked back if Erin is going or if she should go too. Even Robbie herself said that there are work horses and show ponies, clearly this is what she was talking about.
Erin has her own work to do, but she ends up having to look out if Olivia is doing anything wrong, and then has to always worry about whether the magazine is going to suffer. And inevitably it still took a hit or two. All Joe had to do was give Olivia less responsibility since she couldn’t even pull outfits without fighting. Instead he went and did the total opposite by making Olivia the face of Elle.com. How does Olivia single-handedly smash through the business using only her behaviour and the cameras? Sure, she can pick out a good accessory and she has a lot of contacts, but if she’s not taking it seriously, then why bother? Look at her now — she’s modelling! Joe had said many times that maybe her future isn’t at Elle.
Am I overreacting to something that may have only been acted out? Am I being serious about something that probably isn’t even real? If I was in a position for a long time, I don’t want someone new coming in being all condescending to me, getting a high position out of token for her social contacts. If I had to work with someone like Olivia I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from letting her have it. Bad move I know, but at least when I get fired for arguing with someone I would have had the satisfaction of saying my piece.
I often find myself looking to confide in someone but in all the wrong places. I’ve always known I can be naive and too trusting. But what else can I do? There are all these expectations for me to be this normal healthy person but i’ve had so many doors shut in my face, I need to hear something different, find a more whole perspective of life, and just see if everyone does think the same of me. Sometimes I wonder why i’m willing to talk to people at all, since clearly i’m not worth the time of day. Can I ever find what I need emotionally? Do I deserve to? I don’t mean to keep putting people off by being so self-deprecating. They say i’ve no self-esteem, it’s just my fashion. Maybe i’m just permanently broken. Beyond repair. Or maybe i want to be.
If I have to hear another girl brag about her plans for the evening I will kill myself!
I wish people don’t go to prom. If they can see how tacky trashy and superficial it is, why don’t they say it out loud? Am I stupid for doing that?
I don’t understand. People who have influence don’t use it. For anything good. Being me, having no one listen to me. It’s so hard. If something bad happens to someone, why can’t everyone rush to their side? Why do people just watch someone go through something hard. It’s totally unnecessary for them to have to suffer something. Especially alone.
If your friend gets scolded by your superior, why don’t you go to them and offer to help? Why don’t you try to resolve it? Just go and say here let me help you fix that. Why do you just let someone get scolded? If my friend gets scolded at work I will make sure I get scolded also. I don’t like how people just allow others to be humiliated. I feel selfishness is what let the world become what it is now.
God I hate Gordon Ramsey!
I heard Jordin Sparks’ I Am Woman and it sounds a lot like Kelly Clarkson’s Miss Independent! I don’t like that I like a song by Jordin Sparks. Why is she getting so much press for the weight she lost anyway? My body looks way hotter.
Rather than try to resolve the disparate, complex and conflicting forces in modern society, why not highlight them? Celebrate them?
It’s a viewpoint unique to Los Angeles, a city that’s maddeningly dysfunctional to outsiders, but from the inside is nothing short of a kaleidoscopic fever dream of possibility.
I feel like this is what’s happening to me, especially where I live, because seeing so many people have waxed legs and threaded eyebrows, I feel such a pressure to do the same. I feel as if I have to artificially modify as many things about myself as I can, and be fake and be proud of it.
My approved list
- Kelly Clarkson
- Michelle Branch
- Ashlee Simpson
- Ashley Tisdale
- Marion Raven
I really wonder if life really is as complicated as I think it is, or i just overcomplicate things.
I really despise Lmfao! Omg please stop getting into my ears!
I ate mcd for breakfast again, I don’t know why I keep falling back into the same self-destructive patterns. Sometimes I think that’s what life is.
In other news, everything in my life feels like a disappointment. No wait that’s not news.
I really hate Matthew Morrison. And his songs. I also particularly despise JLo, thank god idol is over. Well, until next year anyway. I don’t know why people are willing to put up with this insanity every year. God, Lenka used to be so much more tolerable. There’s a huge void in pop, and no matter how many pretty young things are excessively marketed into the middle of it, there’s something big missing, and everyone knows it.
Ohmygod, there’s this creep who goes through the garbage in mcd while everyone’s eating. So sad.
I really love Sara Barreilis’ Uncharted! Not just because it’s the theme song to Audrina! I really wanna watch Audrina, she’s always so carefree and relaxed about stuff, it’s interesting how you can be so with-the-flow but still have completely individual decisions. I never wanted to be the kind of person who takes everything so seriously, but everything that’s going on in the world really worries me.
Sometimes I see the resemblance between the LA lives of reality stars and living in USJ. Heidi didn’t realize how deep in she was, she didn’t realize what she was getting into with all the plastic surgery. Even here, girls dye their hair, wear colour contacts, and that’s aside from handbags. You don’t feel the need or impulse until you see it so rampant around you. In fact, with events like summer splash which I’m not sue they have anymore, but anyway, being bikini ready is just as important here. That sun shines through your bedroom window everyday whether you like it or not. I mean sure, here it rains, and a lot more often too, but other than that everything else is almost the same. In taipan got so many aesthetic place. Everyone goes facial shopping, and even go to slimming centre.
I guess one difference is that we fake it up to look impeccable for the tourists, maybe. I know i’m acting like I know a lot about LA, it’s just an idea I’ve struggled with for a long time. I feel like similarly here, many downfalls of humanity are celebrated rather than drowned out. So much excess, of everything. Or maybe that’s happening everywhere.
That exhilaration of having a great conversation with someone is so fleeting. Whenever there’s someone who seems like they genuinely care about me, something more important is always beckoning. And then they have to rush off. People always leave.
I’m sure it’s not hard at all to find something that’s a million times more important to do than to talk to me. It’s this pattern throughout my life. Someone behaves like I’m worth their time and I’m so overjoyed and it’s so exciting talking to each other and discovering things about each other and realizing we actually have a few things in common. It’s so nice to feel wanted. But before I know it, their destiny of having bigger and better things and endeavors in their lives catch up to me. I mean sure, a call every now and again is nice, but ultimately they have no time for me anymore. I’m not important. Why should I hold them back?
Whenever I have a friend in my life who actually looks forward to seeing me or shows enthusiasm about talking to me, I always feel a sense of dejavu. The way they’re behaving seems so sincere, so honest, so familiar. I feel like once in my life there was someone strong who always protected me, and it was never out of obligation. I feel like there was someone who was actually willing to be around me, not just because they were bored or had no one else talk to that day. I always wonder if it was ever even real. Did I forget? Who was it? Maybe it’s just a longing for someone to sacrifice their time or reputation to talk to me. Does anyone ever do that? Will anyone do that for another? Only people of the same rank and stature will flock together. Has anyone really sacrificed something that important just for friendship? Even in the prince and the pauper, all the means for it was there and it conveniently benefitted everyone in the end.
I was the only guy who never pierced my ears. It was a huge faux pas. It’s so hard for me to decide. What would I do if I was alone in the world? I never actually planned to be, it’s just I’ve always felt that it’s better that way. I never wanted my life to turn out the way it did, it just happened. Everyone in school always said that I was so homely and lame. Everyone was always embarassed to be seen with me, let alone talk to me. Eventually everyone got bored. His parents don’t let him go out, he has no life. Staying home with my younger siblings for the sake of staying home with my younger siblings, I just drifted from one ideology to another, hoping to find one that would give me a sense of purpose and self- fulfillment. I didn’t want to be used and always feel used. Until today I wonder if I’m living ny life for myself. It’s just one interval of treachery after another, I have to hope against hope that everything goes well for everyone else otherwise they’ll have my head. I’ve said many times that I never wanted to live for people’s approval but walking on such thin ice, approval is the only safety that can help me reach everything else. Even if I was like everyone else, I wouldn’t truly be happy so what’s the point? Everyday I carry so much humiliation of how pathetic I am, and when it’s showtime, I can never convincingly act like everything’s fine. Even though I want to be myself, everyday I live with fear that someone might know how pathetic I really am, and I’ll lose another chance at friendship. Everything I think is apparently thinking too much. I thought there was something that could free me. Or someone. I don’t know who am I kidding. If I lived my whole life with this humiliation then I can just go on
Okay, so there’s this girl who came back from aussie, and she was telling her friend (who’s living here) that she wants to buy sunnies and she can’t seem to find the relevant ones here. She was saying that people in aussie wear a lot of prada and d&g, but here she only finds dior and armani. She was saying that prada is so popular there, that people will even buy prada reading glasses. God. I mean, i would totally feel out of place in aussie if i didn’t have everyone else’s sunnies, but that’s the whole point of being in aussie. And there, being out of place isn’t as bad as when you’re out of place here. Gosh leave it to her to completely eat up something just because it’s a trend in aussie. She said that dior and others are certainly well known labels, just not known for their sunglasses. That part makes sense. But she should’ve just bought them there. What does she expect? No one forced her to come back to do her shopping.
If it was me, I’d just get a pair of raybans. Which are widely available here, and are still relevant overseas. Everyone has raybans, so that would be her answer. I would so love marc jacobs. I don’t have the money. Oh well, I don’t even own a pair of functional sunglasses.
I’m still having trouble sleeping cause my neck still hurts a lot. I did seek expert advice, and it was to drink more water and take panadol if severe. I want to go shopping for a mattress like omg it feels so uncomfortable and when it doesn’t sting and grip with pain, there’s a residual ache afterwards.
I looked at a scene of Cardcaptor Sakura, and I really didn’t like it anymore. I never thought i’d feel so differently about it. I never realised how young they were. I was actually expecting to cry and even end up bawling from the emotional weight of her plight but I didn’t feel it anymore. As you could probably tell, i’m really disappointed.
Anyway, back to the girl who wanted sunnies. I suddenly feel the compulsion to have the same colour hair is her, and buy the same colour contacts as she wears. Just overhearing her conversation has planted strange ideas in my subconscious and is making me slowly morph into her! Why? God, I just need to feel the ambience of a mall again. Please let my fate be to afford a day of shopping at my top 5 favourite malls.
80th post! Omg, I can’t believe I made it this far. Well, I’m really glad. So happy to have my blog! I’ve renumbered my posts so that all my posts are neat and organized now, no repeated numbers.
In a previous post I mentioned how I don’t want to be so addicted to tv and let it encompass so many aspects of my life. At that point I only got to mention Charmed, now I also want to mention Buffy.
I started watching Buffy in 2003, and I loved it because I felt that everything that they did made sense. I expected Spike to not embrace having a soul at first, and eventually sacrificing so much for Buffy even though she loved Angel. I feel like in this world it’s hard for me to find people that I really look up to, and at the time, when I was watching, I felt almost as if I had someone to think highly of and almost even aspire to. Someone I strongly felt was not only worth my attention, but I would continue to feel awed by, instead of how people at school intimidated me and made me less motivated to be as good as they were. I feel like in school I was faced with things and people whom I could never really be like, even though they themselves were real. Everyone in school had incredible athletic and intellectual ability, and looked flawless all the time. And that intimidated me and made me feel like not wanting to step out of my room or even wake up so that I wouldn’t have to be painfully reminded of how much less I am. But somehow watching Anya and Willow and Amber I felt like they were more relate-able because what they they held most important was their individual personality and their beliefs, instead of how impressive they are, how much attention they get, or how well they fit in.
Everyone keeps telling me, stop being so bitter. It really isn’t on purpose. I don’t want to do it or think this way, it just keeps happening. After all, talking to everyone pretending like everything’s fine, that i’m just as pleased with everything as everyone else is, but if I already know i’m so much less than everyone else, what’s the use?
In other news, everyday my neck hurts right before I go to bed and right after I wake up. And a little throughout the day too. It’s really painful I hate it. I tried to drink more water and eat better, but still. I don’t mean to be weak. I just am. I’m so tired right now. I don’t know how everyone else can have so much vitality.
I love Vanessa Carlton’s Carousel and Jenette McCurdy’s Generation Love! Omg so much for trying to be a person who doesn’t listen to music. They both look so cute and adorable I love their outfits!
I so can’t wait to watch PostGrad on Star Movies at 4.35 pm. I love Alexis Bledel! What is it with me and celebrity obsessions?
Also, I forgot to post my handiwork with Wirdani’s present that I did a while back.
I wanted to post pictures of the stuff from yesterday’s post but it was so hectic I couldn’t get any good pictures. Anyway, maybe there’ll be more stuff to take pics of.
So SinKong was undergoing some major renovations. And everyone at NanKing watched while eating. Today, it looks pretty much the same, except for the paint job.
I was naturally thinking of colour contacts since it’s so rampant and lucrative in this part of the valley. I don’t want them because I have no idea how to wear contacts or anything on my eyes for that matter. But everyone’s doing it, I look so weird with natural eye colour. Oh well, I never could be like everyone else anyways. So pressuring!
Today I met Angelita, Zhiao Chien, and Zi Kee. They’re always so pretty *bitter*
Yesterday Auntie Roza came to visit me at home! She brought Melissa, Kyra, and Adam. He was disappointed that there was no truck for him to play. Keesha’s in JB. Auntie Roza was dropping off everyone’s presents yesterday. Alina’s, my mom’s, my dad’s, aniza’s and mine. Melissa and Kyra always look so pretty. *bitter* Read More
Okay, I’ve been making mistakes with organizing my blog entries and there are some identical IDs in the list. I keep giving myself problems that I can’t fix. Anyway, i’m just happy to be blogging, especially when there have been lots of things i’ve been thinking about but I didn’t know how to put it on paper! It’s really not fun when you feel something and when you want to type it you just can’t seem to find the words. Actually, when I feel it. Cause it doesn’t happen to anyone else. I don’t mean for my life to be this complicated, it just is. And that’s a whole different issue altogether.
So another thing I was thinking about was how my life when I was younger involved a lot of tv. I’m definitely not proud of that, which is what brings me to talk about it here. I didn’t realise how much of my life it would take up at the time, and now looking back on it, I really wish I didn’t watch so much tv. I was 12 when I started watching Charmed cause a few of my classmates were talking about it. The sad thing is, I actually still like it. It’s just that I don’t like that I like it. I mean, some of the episodes didn’t feel like it was sticking to the storyline, and there were a lot of rules that seemed to have been bent. But my point is, I wish I don’t miss a show. That’s not something I want to miss. I want to look back on my life and miss something that’s more fun than that. The show felt a lot of times really heartwarming and touching, and I was so sad that it ended. I was like ‘it’s the end of an era’. I actually followed a show for over 4 years. Today, no one does that. There’s always a hot new show that just premiered in the US.
Which brings me to talk about them and their culture. With all the hip-hop and rap and the swearing. I know that I swear, but i’ve been trying to reduce it, and when they swear it’s really different. What I really hate right now is that Beyonce is not only being mentioned on my blog, and voluntarily by me, but so is her song, and especially how it’s dominating charts and radiowaves! I hate her but ‘Run the World (Girls)’ was kind of catchy. But I will never like something so stupid. Why must she do this! I don’t want to know about her or her life!
Anyway, back to the topic of hot new shows. At one time I really liked watching Miranda. It’s really funny. I can’t watch it anymore I don’t know if it’s still running. My point is, I would much rather watch Miranda than like One Tree Hill. I really don’t like that I liked watching 90210. That’s so superficial! And the worst thing is, that even though new shows keep premiering, they’re of the same genre to fill the same role in the industry and hence society, and most of the time they displace a similar show’s time slot anyway! A lot of my sentences don’t really read very eloquently but I don’t know how else to put it. This is how my life is right now I can’t believe it’s come to this. And, in the first place I never did do well in grammar.
I wish I could be someone who just doesn’t watch tv or listen to the radio at all.
I’ve just made a database update here. Hopefully things will run more smoothly, especially when it comes to combatting spam which is a perennial problem. I never wanted to make users have to register with my site to be able to comment. But there was just too much spam — it would be at least hundreds per day. In the beginning I wanted my site to be as open and accessible as possible, and it really upsets me that i’m not doing that now. When I have more time to moderate comments, i’ll definitely reopen to the public. But the progress towards that is indefinite for now.
People always ask me why I don’t have blogspot instead. Many of them don’t realise that I was hosted on frozen-wings.net since 2006. Pauline took an interest in my previous site and suggested that I be her hostee, so as to save me the trouble of putting up with ads and the even worse spam back then. She had owned frozen-wings.net for a while, and I thought the work she had done there was really great. As a matter of fact, I was the one who was hesitant about her hosting me because I didn’t think my application would look impressive, but she made it all so easy for me. And i’m honoured to be her hostee under her awesome frozen-wings network. Of course right now I don’t have all the blog entries since then because something happened with a server that affected the database, but I primarily wanted for there to a under-one-roof sole website for information pertaining to me. If you want to google me, you’ll find out stuff about me here and here only. Here’s my website, if you’re interested then drop by, if you’re not, then great, cause you wouldn’t know about my site unless you googled me. I thought that it would be nice for information about me to be available but not stuffed down anyone’s throat either. Right now it’s a blog, yes, but I had lots of other things too, in the past, cause I liked to try out amateur graphic design back then.
Blogger was only completely migrated to google servers in 2007. And even then, no one asked me to visit their blog, or took interest in me having a website. Even if I wanted to move to blogger, I wouldn’t want to abandon everything that I’ve done here on frozen-wings.net either.
But me staying here shouldn’t be a problem, cause no one visits anyway. So if I moved to blogspot then no one would visit either. It’s still me.
I hate vips on highways! They keep wasting police resources by getting escorts while we have to suffer traffic jams. They’re the real reason we have to suffer traffic jams cause everyone has to give way for them. Not just on highways or major roads, on any kind of roads. How stupid of me, I should just put on my hazard lights and follow them, because no one can tell which car is a vip car. If they’re so worried about safety they should just follow everyone else and blend in.
Sometimes I feel like there’re so many thoughts echoing repeatedly in my head that it’s impossible for me to hear current thoughts. I don’t think that it’s insane for me to say that the bad outweighs the good. I can only remember hurtful memories.
I’ve been gone for so long! Right now i’m only tutoring my cousin twice a week instead of three. It’s felt like such a whirlwind I can’t believe i’ve been teaching her maths for as long as I have, her exams are next next week omg!
I also have a lot of spam that I have to fight off. It’s sad that there’s so many important things going on in the world right now and i’m complaining about spam. I suppose spambots aren’t affected by any kindof current issues in the world.
This is my most updated wishlist, my previous ones are from my 24 January entry and last year’s entry.
Azreen’s Wish List
- Date Night 20th Century Fox
- Going the Distance Warner Bros. Pictures
- Life as We Know It Warner Bros. Pictures
- The Switch Miramax Films
- Elixir by Hilary Duff Simon and Schuster Publications
- An issue of People
- Keebler Chips Deluxe
These are some of the things I hate about myself.
I like going to places like bv, ou, and curve. The funny thing is, it’s not like i maniacally run out and raid boutiques and come home with countless paper bags full of clothes. I actually don’t like shopping for clothes anymore. And I don’t think I ever liked shopping for shoes. Accessories, well it kind of gets itself done, i’m sure you all would know what I mean. All I actually really really want to do is feel the suasana of the mall, and sit down at various places and eat and eat and eat. Expensive food. Mostly desserts.
I look back at what I was like and I feel so surprised. How could I have possibly liked shopping for clothes? It has to be because I was delusional enough to think that
- There actually exists an item of apparel that can fit me perfectly and look flattering on me
- Out there somewhere there is actually an outfit that looks really chic (I can’t believe I used that term, it feels so elitist)
- I actually have the skill to mix and match pieces to accomplish some semblance of style
How morbidly embarrassing. I can’t believe what the industry has come to. What I absolutely dislike is how every piece that ever exists has to be haphazardly seized, brutally ripped from the runway, and watered down so much that everything people are flipping through in boutique racks make me feel kind of embarrassed for humanity. I especially hate how trends that don’t even make sense rampantly take over the media, terrorizing consumers into thinking that if they don’t wear it, they won’t look cool. Then there are these people who are so apathetic that they’re deceived into wearing high-waisted pants for the sake of wearing high-waisted pants. Forget about whether the silhouette is good, or whether the fabric even makes any sense. If everyone’s doing nudes, you just throw on simply whatever nude you can find. Take a completely hideous top, and wear it with a skinny belt, because since skinny belts are in right now, you’ll look fashion forward in it no matter what you pair it with. Sheer! Everyone’s wearing that right now! Just throw on this black Nina Ricci even though the slit is too high and has a sheer train to boot. My god, black and sheer are two separate concepts, you can’t stuff them both into one outfit! Everyone knows sheer looks better in colours, like blue.
You could’ve just made the choice to be yourself. Express yourself and your personal style. Which is essentially the whole point in the first place. Save yourself the stylists fee. You don’t need to subscribe to elle, marie claire, vanity fair, or W. Just let your opinions and beliefs, you know, your principles, guide your choices.
Please, can there just be something original for once. Why is everything just a repetition of a previous era? I thought the whole point was to be innovative. To give people something new to wear.
There are some vehement haters out there that really really loathe you. And it’s actually entertaining. Just that I find it scary instead.
I found this comment when I was reading some Lindsay news.
Even if she wasn’t “raised” to lie, cheat, or steal, she certainly was never punished for those behaviors by her parents (or the justice system for that matter).
And people, stop making the excuse of “she never had a chance with having parents like those”. There are many people in the world who pretty much have the devil as their parents, and they turn out to be kind, caring, law-abiding citizens who understand morals and the value of right or wrong.
Those people also realize that they’re parents are toxic to them, and even though it’s hard to do, they know they have to cut off all ties to them. And they do it, because they want to live a good life, and not be constantly dragged down by their parents
It’s hard for me to differentiate between the things I do and don’t deserve. Was my dad suppose to call me all those names that he did? I grew up always feeling like running into my room and hiding from confronting the truths about myself and the world. Putting up with my dad, whenever I look at him, all I can feel is regret, sadness, and a deep desire to watch him suffer immense pain. How he treated me made me bitter about my life, but it’s my fault I stayed that way.
After my older sister left for JB, I had to take over her tutoring duties. I felt honored for the opportunity. I’m scared too, cause I myself need tutoring. I don’t actually know what’s really supposed to happen in a tuition class. Anyway, i’m teaching my 11 year-old cousin secondary 1 maths. I myself find it hard. She’s been getting along with me. But she can get along with anyone. A really good thing about tuition is, by enrolling your child, you get to share with the tutor the nerve-racking anxiety of wondering how well your child will perform in exams. I tried to cover ratios, rates, and speed. I’m doing one-and-a-half hour sessions three times a week with her. She really is such a joy, I wish I could shine as brightly as she does. Kids these days are under an enormous amount of pressure and expectations. If I was as young as they were I don’t know how i’d keep up. All anyone ever wants for their kids is a happy and carefree childhood that they can fondly look back on, but the world today is just so fast-paced.
There were three loads of laundry yesterday, and I haven’t ironed or folded any of it. How efficient of me. I can’t believe it’s the weekend already. One good way to savour weekends is by waking up early. But most people will sleep their weekends away cause they’re too tired from working during the week. I’m sure the rest of the neighbourhood is mopping their whole house down now. I on the other hand, will probably die before I actually accomplish anything in my life.
I would rather say myself how tragic and pitiful my life is, than have someone throw it in my face. I know there are lots of things wrong with me, but for some reason I absolutely hate when people point out to me how pathetic I really am. Which is usually done in front of everyone. My dad just goes up to me and just says really loud, ‘Why is one eye smaller than the other?” “Why do you look swollen?”
Here’s something the judges can tell the Idol contestants during the auditions. They can just say that there’s no point taking them to Hollywood if they’re still going to be eliminated later. Forget about false hopes, if they clearly don’t stand a chance at becoming the next idol, then why suffer through the idol challenges? That way, they’re actually doing them a favor by saving them the heartache and disappointment. Of course, the best thing is if there’s no idol. Since voters keep voting for the same person over and over again. Different versions, sure but still of the same person.
Yesterday I found out that it’s common in Korea for sixteen-year-olds to get plastic surgery as a birthday gift from their parents. Oh, the things I could do. Heidi Montag was actually pretty, and she’s a nice person, it’s just that people get influenced, and it can get to the point where it drastically affects their whole life. I thought about how in high school I didn’t have to be so witchy. Neither did everyone else. They’re really smart people. They could have had a completely different life. Everyone could actually have been friends. Why do people want to try and be cool? It just gets in the way of friendship. The real kind.
Woohoo! I haven’t said that since I was nine, and even then I was just being ironic.
I never thought I would say this, but why do people always leave? Everything else in life doesn’t have to be constant, but loved ones should always be there until the end. You’re born, you love your parents, they divorce, then the stepchildren come first, you basically lose the people who you were supposed to be able to rely on for anything, and then you have to struggle to balance your mess of a family with friends at school, who’ll eventually tire of someone with so much emotional baggage, and then you just have to struggle on your own the rest of the way. I suppose when your parents are old, you’ll take care of them and finally be with them again cause the stepchildren feel like it’s too menial. Why can’t there be someone who is there with you, from the beginning, going through everything that you go through, standing by you through thick and thin, until the end of your life? I know that some people are lucky enough to have had good friends like that. Had I been a nicer person, maybe I would’ve been deserving of something just as good.
I always get jealous when I see couples with a baby stroller. I know it’s stupid, but sometimes when I meet really nice older people, like when i’m facing a paediatrician, I kindof imagine what it’d be like if he was my dad. Is there anyone out there who is right for my mom? Is she doomed to be alone in the world?
I watched Bride Wars, and I thought about something that the character Marion St. Claire said.
Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there’s also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who’s been standing beside you all along.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I should’ve done a lot of things different. There’re a lot of people that I have to apologize to. But most importantly I have to learn and grow from what’s happened and do better. I’ve been told to improve myself my whole life and I still haven’t got around to doing it. At this rate, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.
Bullies can be relentless. No matter how much you give them, it’s never going to be enough. The only way is to stand up to them. But it takes a lot of courage. It could turn out very badly. Maybe if I tried I would find out whether or not it’s worth it.
Why do I even blog anyway? I have to be willing to change. Anyone who knows me would know that all I ever do is make excuses. What would I write about if I don’t actually want to confront my fears, insecurities, mistakes, and weaknesses? I can’t even accept who I am, let alone defend myself.
Oh great. My dad is home all day today and I have nowhere to go. I don’t know what i’m going to do. My older sister even has to send the car to the service centre. And even pay for it.
I think my whole life I was looking for conviction. Everything always seems so confusing and scary, it’s always amazed me how some people can hold so strongly to their beliefs no matter what happens. Environmentalists, animal lovers, every0ne seems to be championing a cause. Me, I’m causing everything.
I can’t believe this is really it. Adult life. I tried my whole life up to now to be like my sister, and I completely failed. In fact, we’re polar opposites. She can adapt to any situation and lead others no matter what kind of conflict arises, I, on the other hand, let it affect me in the worst way. We were supposed to be close and have matching everything just like normal sibling do. How am I so different from her? Is there anything that I didn’t fail at? Son, brother, employee, driver, friend. Everything completely gone to hell. I don’t know how i’m supposed to have it all like everyone else. How can they have so much on their plate? It’s insane, I can’t even work on one. Taking care of their parents and family, success in their professional life, finding love. I’ll never reach any of that.
I remember when I was in highschool, being miserable, and at home I would hide in my wardrobe from my dad. He didn’t like us locking the door, and he didn’t like having to knock before entering as he pleases. To take out any frustration on anyone. He’d just come into my room and not see anyone there, and then leave. I think that’s the only time I ever felt I accomplished something. For myself anyway. If I had just stayed in the wardrobe. If I had just kept with my instinct to hide. I wouldn’t have caused so many car accidents. I don’t think I would’ve.
I hope everyone had a great Federal Territory day!
My sis has to pack for her trip back to JB. Packing is such a nightmare for me, I can never decide what not to bring, cause I always want to bring everything. I wish that clinical didn’t have to be in a separate campus, it’s so unfair! It doesn’t make sense to make students have to shift house. There’s talks of building a teaching hospital in the Klang Valley in the distant future, but it should’ve been there in the first place. I had such big dreams of tertiary education, and being just like my sister. I was even conceited enough to think that I was meant for higher learning. It’s sad really.
So my dad is arriving home tonight, i’m really not looking forward to it. So yeah, that’s what ruined my holiday today. There’s always something. Even if her regrets not having a (real) relationship with his children, it will only be when he’s at the end of his life. Then, it won’t be any use. He should’ve just chosen a path in life that would make him happy, then he wouldn’t have to be moaning so much about me making his life so hard. Everyone deserves to be happy, he should’ve just knew what he needed and went after it, instead of falling into comfortable routines and blaming others. I think that the whole world thinks i’m trapping my parents in a tragic treacherous life, when the truth is they’re the ones who don’t want to go find happiness. Everyone’s always telling me to follow my dreams and not hold on to grudges and resentment for the people I don’t like. But the truth is, i’m also afraid to go after what I want and change my life.
I don’t know how I can bear the thought of my dad being my dad. Until now I still can’t accept it. That’s not what I want to put up with for the rest of my life. What on earth am I going to do? I don’t even like looking at him, let alone talking to him. This is not what I wanted my life to be like. But if I was rational and mature enough I would be able to take responsibility for what goes wrong in my own family.
I always get hesitant whenever someone greets me and asks me “how are you?,”
Okay, i know, i don’t have a whole lot of friends let alone people asking me how i’m doing. I try to be honest, but it’s hard. I want my life to seem normal, perfect even. But it never works. I’m so transparent and people always see through me. I want to pretend that everything about me is normal, but my life is in such a huge mess, especially right now. How can I even begin to say that i’m doing alright? I’m unemployed, living with my parents, my reckless driving has landed me in so many car accidents, my mom has been depressed for years, my dad even said himself that he resents my attitude, the house is a complete mess, i always get headaches, i sleep too much, i’m not eating right, i haven’t did any form of exercise in years, i’m a bad older brother to my siblings.
I know that pretending to be okay when i’m not isn’t going to help me, but i want to help myself in small, manageable steps that I can take without feeling overwhelmed.
What I really need is people who really sincerely care about me. Fake superficial insincere people have been a problem to me my whole life. You’d think that being shut-in, I wouldn’t be around anyone, and even i myself am surprised. Fake smiles, feigning concern, and worse, fake apologies. I guess I should know, i’m actually like that too. I know, that I have to face the real world, this isn’t some island paradise escape where i’m the only person in the world and I don’t have to care about other people cause we all know we were all put on this earth together to love and help each other. I don’t know, it’s just so hard for me to have to face people because I don’t want to be around people I can’t trust. I feel like everyone was pulled away from me. By social stigma, pretentiousness, being status-conscious.
I don’t want to be someone who wrecks everything I touch. I need to find the courage and strength to prove it.
I don’t know the correct term, but I often hear it referred to as Lunar New Year. It’s that time of year again! Let’s enjoy the sales, festive music, and see if this is finally your year of luck, prosperity and good fortune. Unfortunately, I don’t look good in red, but if there’s one person who does, it must be my adorable cousin. Vanessa was amazing in her performance! She’s so pretty, just lights up the stage, and overall so captivating, I was so lucky to get to watch. It’s what magnificent reunion dinners are made of. I’d have uploaded a video, but my connection is slow.
It’s been almost a week since I last drove. A car. It’s nice. I’m so free, no obligation to have to be somewhere, to send or fetch anyone. I feel so relaxed. I don’t even have to see the car sitting there anymore. I think I don’t have nightmares about the car accidents that I had anymore. I don’t know when I’ll ever try to drive again, not really looking forward to it.
Being a bad driver is so not nice. I’ve been struggling with the issue of driving, I don’t know how do I live with myself after having caused so many car accidents. To think that they were all stationary objects. And those were the ones I know of. Like, imagine later, when I have to drive again, and then I have moving objects to deal with. All this time I was lucky enough that they have the good sense to avoid me, but I think it’s only a matter of time. I try not to do anything dangerous that other drivers have to swerve away to avoid. I even get mixed up referring to other people on the road as cars instead of drivers. But drivers are the employed ones, so should I say road users? Or motorists?
When I finished Overnight Socialite I was a bit disappointed. Eloise dumped Trip, and although Lucy seemingly forgave Wyatt, their last moment was him leaving her show. There’re a lot of vague things, like how Lucy was able to get to know anyone other than Max, Parker, and Theo, since after all, all she ever does was stick to Eloise, which kind of irritated me. Maybe I should write more about this next time? I don’t know, I was really pleased with most chapters, but i’m still left with this feeling of why did I buy that book?
The reason I ask all users to register with my blog before you can comment is because of spam. There’s a lot of spam out here in cyberspace, and I hate having to sift through all that rubbish! So if you registered, and I accidentally deleted your registration because I somehow thought the e-mail was a bogus e-mail, then i’m sorry. But feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
My younger sister’s laptop is finally fixed. It’s super quiet now! The fan and heatsync was repaired, and she got a new charger. The Dell guy said that every year you have to clean your laptop, so I guess mine must have a whole lot of dust in it, since it’s gonna be a year old soon. God, I don’t want to think about me also being another year older.
So I was thinking about how sometimes in your life, there are people who tend to make their every miniscule problem your personal responsibility. I’m not just talking about how incompetent someone can be. I’m talking about that feeling that you get when you feel like you’re having ten things dumped on you at once by not necessarily as many people. I’m not referring to anything specifically, i’m just more or less recalling one incident where a teacher wanted the class seating arrangement to be changed on the same day, holding me responsible. It was just really interesting to me that everyone seemed to have their own qualms and preferences while I had to get something done, and they seemed oblivious to how serious it was even though they knew I had to get it done that same period or else that teacher was going to, well, I don’t know. Everyone always gets thrown into the role of having to mother everyone into doing what they have to do. I myself think that it’s easy for you to be either one; with outcome-based focus, or discussing excruciating minutiae ignoring pressing matters at hand.
I know I don’t sound terribly smart with all of this. It just really got me thinking. I look at my sisters who are very driven and show good leadership, always cutting through unnecessary details getting things done quickly. I always had my older sister to look to, and even think for me. It’s true that I hid away from chances and opportunities, preventing myself from gaining new experiences and growing more as an individual. It’s my own fault for being too scared. My sisters weren’t without fear, but they just knew what was worth the toil, and became better because of it. It saddens me to think of how kids can end up having to grow up a lot more or sooner than they have to. I know this all sounds like me feigning any semblance of public concern or compassion, but it just happens to be something that i’ve thought about my whole life, and i think encompasses a lot of things. Who’s to say I don’t have a heart? Judge all you want, but only god knows whether or not i’m truly a good person.
I have to try to be a person who derives joy from simple things, since most people lose their sense of wonder as they grow older. Dad, you have three astro boxes, a big comfy sofa just for your bedroom, next to your king size bed for only yourself to sleep on, and a big empty house to store it all in! Good for you!
So I finally went out and bought Overnight Socialite by Bridie Clark, and so far I really love it. It’s so amazing how all-encompassing an anthropological perspective can be. Since Aniza’s piano lesson was at Yamaha Parade this morning, my sister took me to MPH during to look for my book, and while I was there I considered LA Candy which I always said that I wanted so much, but I was disappointed at how spaced out the print was! Also, it’s very expensive so I thought I would wait till next time. I’m so behind, I haven’t read LA Candy and I still have Sweet Little Lies to read. On another note, I really want to watch Pretty Little Liars. I wasn’t that impressed with one episode that I wasn’t fully able to understand/follow, but it seemed juicy.
Time for another wish list! I can’t believe how indulgent i’m being.
- Fallen Lauren Kate
- Torment A Fallen Novel Lauren Kate
Yes, the same series, what a list, i know. I don’t know when i’ll ever get started on those but I hope I get the chance to one day.
I shouldn’t be doing this. Being indulgent is one of the main things I (and we all) hate about my dad. All the lounging about, excessive sleeping, decadent food. It all screams elitist and hedonistic. I can’t believe i’m an equally vapid and ostentatious brat who is desperate for any kind of unnecessary luxury. I never imagined I would end up this bad. Me, sinking as low as my dad, into further depths of depravity. I hate that I succumb so much to things like tv, music, expensive food. I have absolutely no self-control and it’s really humiliating. Today, my sister made chocolate tart, and I had one slice after lunch and two slices after dinner. Besides how overly forbearing i am with my cravings, I clearly have to curb my addiction to caffeine!
I asked my mom something that I never even thought of talking about with her — her first date. She herself was surprised that a) i’m only asking her now and b) she never felt the need to tell anyone herself. Well, she was sixteen, and she wore a short-sleeved top with a l0ng skirt, and it was dinner at a steakhouse and a movie. Okay, I have to think of more questions to ask my mom about her life omfg! I mean, I know a lot of people who have a lot of stuff to say about their lives but are no longer as lucid as they used to be. Actually, i’m no longer as lucid as i used to (or am supposed to) be.
So my mom took my car to get repaired, and it’s seven grand excluding the wiring and the busted radiator. She wants it looking as good as it can so she can sell it, but I think after she sells it she’ll only get back the money she spent repairing it. Sure, I just drove the car and completely disregarded any upkeep whatsoever, so clearly what I have to say shouldn’t matter. I can’t believe that the moment my mom gets her hands on any money she could possibly get, she’s so quick to spend it all on something my dad should’ve done, it’s such a pity. I suppose she isn’t so much making bad decisions as she is enabling me. I don’t mean to make people a slave to the drama and accidents in my life, it just happens.
The interior of the car is a complete mess, everything’s torn, the radio doesn’t work. Thank god the aircon works. And very well too. I’m not so sure I want to see how it goes, but now i’m actually free from the clutches of that car. I mean, now if I want to go somewhere I can ask to be dropped off or just drive someone else’s car, which is amazing. Then again, that’s more or less what’s been going on the whole time. I hope the car will sell for 20 grand once it’s fixed. I’m so scared, when my parents don’t see the hundred grand or so they expect from selling a BMW, they’re totally gonna resent me for the rest of their lives. Well, I can’t say that they don’t already.
Here’s why i’m so dissatisfied with my dad. He thinks he’s doing me a favour taking us to Favola for dinner, but gourmet or not, I don’t like italian, and he didn’t care when I asked him if my cousins were coming with us. What’s the point of having fun if it’s just by yourself? That’s all he ever does, freeload on Sybilla’s house so that a) he doesn’t have to pay for a hotel, and b) he only has to worry about himself, and can have a fun vacation without even telling his family where he’s going. Any responsible human being would not only tell their parents where they’re going if on any holiday at all (the rest of the rational and sensible world prefer to work for a living), they would also make sure their parents are taken care of the duration of which. Anyway he should’ve been the one who sent the car to get repaired. I don’t understand this whole concept of your salary being purely for your own self. All anyone ever does is use their salary to pay rent, car loan, and the rest they give it to their parents. If you don’t care about your family, then why do I have to go see them every now and again?
This is my 60th blogpost! My blog was completely down during new year’s day, until today, cause I uploaded a faulty wordpress theme. It basically ruined everything, but luckily Pauline helped me figure out what was wrong (I didn’t realise what I did that caused my blog to be down), and she even contacted the webhost support. Hope everyone’s enjoying their Thaipusan holiday~
So how funny Ricky Gervais? Really Azreen, that’s the first thing you want to talk about? What’s next the red carpet review? Omg speaking of which I haven’t watched the most important part of the Globes — the fashion police! Could I be more superficial? Don’t answer that.
It looks like things around here are gonna stay the same. Oddly enough, within the first 20 days of the new year a lot has happened, and it isn’t the kind of awesome stuff that kick starts a brand new year. My sister and I had this confrontation with this mean cashier. It actually went on even after that day, imagine that. And also, there was this creep at Sushi King who kept staring at my sister, it was almost as if he was stalking her cause he was there waiting the next time we all went to Sushi King. She was with her siblings both times, and the second time my mom was there. Well thank goodness for that. My sister said it was disturbing and uncomfortable. Oh, the price of fame. I guess we won’t be going there again for a while. My younger sister also had an issue with her piano teacher, which particularly displeased my parents. She was made to buy two books, because the first one wasn’t the right one and they didn’t accept exchanges or refunds. Okay, I know none of this stuff actually happened to me, but the point that i’m trying to make is that, not even halfway into the new year already a lot can go wrong.
My aunt bought me this pair of jeans that are not only too big, but also incredibly uncomfortable. I suppose who am I to talk, better that than the same old formulaic boring outfit every single time i’m out. Why do I even go out anyway? I don’t know if i’ve mentioned this here before, but I’m kind of scared to go out. Well, when I go out to eat it’s out of hunger and the desperation resulting from it, so I don’t think it counts. Much.
So, no photos on this post. Disappointing, I know. You just love my photos don’t you? Almost as much as you love reading my every single blogpost about my mundane life and vapid opinions, and singing my praises in the comments.
It’s that time of year again. I wish I could’ve gone and enjoyed the sales. Everything looked so beautiful I can’t believe i’m missing it all. Here I am again, trapped in a room by my own fear of leaving the house.
My face used to be so neat and organised. Now my cheeks are where my chin used to be, and my chin is all down to my neck, it’s all just a big mess. Now anyone only ever looks at me cause I forgot to turn off my headlights.
I’m really not ready to start a new year, everything that I tried to do I haven’t got there yet. The house is a mess! So much to throw out and recycle. My whole room arrangement hasn’t been settled. I really don’t know how I’m going to survive next year, I haven’t planned anything, and I don’t know how i’m going to organize it. Another year alone. I thought I could make things different. I thought I would be able to prepare. No point trying to tidy up my house if my whole life was a mess in the first place.
I feel like there’re so many people around me and in the world who don’t realise that they can actually hold me back. From a lot of things. Okay, I don’t want to write a post all about my dad. That’s the opposite of what you would want. That’s what everyone always ever looks for. The right people. The people who will trigger a more positive, creative, and driven side of you. The people who want to hear about your life, want to know about your feelings. You can be that person for someone else, but you need to find yourself first.
I know that there are many mistakes that I made, at the same time there’re many things that I shouldn’t have shied away from trying. I haven’t had as many experiences in my life as someone normally would, but that doesn’t mean I can’t offer a fresh perspective on something. There’s still a lot I have yet to learn, this is a very vulnerable stage in my life, and i’m still struggling a lot.
I’ve never worked, I’ve never had a lot of friends that I can fill a whole hall for a party, I have a lot of flaws. I need time to work on myself, and I really don’t appreciate certain superficial people who keep dragging me into glamour-quests and throwing their dissatisfactions in my face.
I want to write a story about a woman who frees herself from a tragic loveless abusive marriage. Maybe there can be a twist where the husband runs away instead. Or maybe one of the kids kill the guy. No, that’s no good.
There’s no unifi! This is such torture. I have so many things that i’m wondering about, and I need to google it to get the answer. Luckily we still have the old streamyx line.
SPM is going to finish soon! I can’t wait for the opportunity to see Melissa Kyra Keesha Adam. I hope I get to meet them soon, I haven’t gone to see them for so long.
Omf! There’re so many camwhorey pics of me! Available on the internet! I can’t believe i’m just putting it up on this blog for the whole world to see! What has become of me!?! Read More
Everyone else my age and younger only use Vaio and Toshiba. Obviously, if I proudly carry my Dell around I look stupid lah, for thinking it’s so amazing and awesome. I’m jealous! This is what happens when you have a laptop or washing machine or fridge or anything. You start wanting a better one. I hate this, make it stop!
Ever since I was young everyone always told me to just be a follower. They said that I should accept that people will always like that girl better, and that rather than have no friends, I should just like her too. Forget that I think she’s plastic and superficial, hedonistic and likes attention. Just try to like her because otherwise i’m not socially acceptable. She’s the queen bee whether I like it or not, so rather than retaliate, I should join the worship.
I don’t want a queen bee. I just want to be myself, I just want to hang out with people who’re sincere. Unfortunately that leaves me with no one, cause everyone feels it’s more fun under her reign. Of terror. And then everyone thinks that i’m discriminating, or that i’m jealous. When all I wanted to do was look for real friends. Tell me that I don’t deserve any, I’ve heard that millions of times. If any one of you ever decide to care about me, sincerely, then you know where to find me — alone.
I made a really bad decision today. I feel so stupid, and I wish I could have made better judgement. I drove home during peak hour. While it was raining. Oh well, I learnt my lesson, and I always have the freedom to come home whenever I want, I think, so I don’t think I’ll let it happen again. I’m not sure which one is safer though, driving home through lots of traffic to accompany me, and move slowly to, or drive home without traffic at night.
Also, importantly, I finally changed my shampoo! I’m so happy! It’s so exhilarating, and i’m so thankful to my mom, cause she paid for the shampoo. Now my hair is as it should be. Until the next time my hair gets used to the shampoo again. It usually doesn’t happen earlier than 5 months or so. I guess i’ve been running around a lot lately, exposing my scalp to lots of pollutants and environmental dirt. And various kinds of air-borne dander. Eww. You’d think that standing under the shade of a tree you’d be relatively care-free.
New shampoo, I know, is not an answer to everything, it doesn’t solve everything, and doesn’t wash away all problems. But it does motivate me and keep me perky to go about with my daily activities.
After a week of waking up at 8am everyday, today I woke up at 6am. Not early enough! This is part of the reason I so badly wanted something to perk me up. Last week was a terrible week of suffering from caffeine withdrawal. Last two weeks in fact. Bad migraines. Just form soft drinks! Those close to me would know how much Coke I drink. I know, it’s bad for me. See me smile and my stained teeth show plain evidence of my excessive soft drink consumption, but I haven’t had anymore Coke. For a few days now.
I really think that the power steering in the car is not working anymore. Especially after how my mom commented that it felt heavier. It gave me muscle ache the whole of last week. Like my right arm felt super tired. But later my mom took back what she said, rationalizing that power steering only works when the car is moving, so obviously when she wanted to reverse out of the parking spot it would feel a bit heavy. And she also scolded me for saying that driving would make my arm tired, since she said that I don’t have to make many turns anyway. After all, someone unemployed like me wouldn’t have so many important places to be. I know, I know, i’m severely unfit. Oh god, what a start to a week.
I’m recovering from whatever it was I was suffering from, but I still don’t feel a 100 percent. I’m still feeling really tired, though my muscle ache is much less severe now, I just need to make sure I eat right to be able to perk up.
Last night, my uncle came over on the way home from work, they wanted to take my grandma back to the house in Meru to spend the night. My mom offered that they bring our car, which has more space, since they would have to pick up my grandaunt from Taman Tun as well the following day. Today, my mom has to send another car for servicing, so on the way to work she wants to drop off her Vios at the Toyota center, and i’ll send her to work and pick her up later. I don’t know why my mom can’t just take my car (there I go again calling it my car, when actually it’s my dad’s and I just drive it that’s all) to work. I can just go home from the service center by bus or cab. It’s actually possible for me to walk home from the service center, since it’s in Subang Jaya. Or, she could just drive my dad’s BMW, but my dad just has to be so whiny annoying immature and stingy. Like anything is going to happen to his car if my mom brings it to work. Work. Not like she’s out partying the whole night. Gawd.
My mom said that since I was in an accident, I’m in a better position to tell people to drive carefully since I have a real experience to justify my advice. I try to drive really slow now, I don’t mean to blame the impatient people behind me, but it’s a progress that I have to reach in time. But highways are highways, my mom will just get about 140 and then say that she’s skilled enough to handle it. So, getting people to stop speeding and drive slower, maybe it’s not really possible. I just have to work on myself and shut up.
This is my 50th post using my new platform. I’m not feeling well today. It’s been going on for several days, I took panadol but I still don’t feel well. It’s very non-specific. I mean, i’ve had to put up with body ache before, but I feel like i’m having chills. I don’t have a temperature. But I feel kind of terrible. I hope it passes.
As lonely and desperate as I seem, I would much rather be alone than have fake friends and frenemies. I particularly hate people who like to pretend to care about me. I feel like my whole life, people only ever make jokes at my expense, and use me to make themselves look good. Charitable. Helpful.
I really don’t understand why everyone always has to make me a part of their agenda. Why can’t you just step on people’s heads without involving me? Why can’t you just climb your elitist egotistical social ladder without always having to put me in the middle of all that superficial mess? Read More
I guess I can see why people have such a problem with celebrities or celebrity gossip. I know that certain reality stars didn’t actually accomplish anything in their lives and don’t really deserve any recognition. Whether they have jobs, or they just peddle petty drama on magazine covers, they’re still amusing to me. And that’s all. Just because I talk about them doesn’t mean I look up to them. Quite the opposite in fact. But I understand that there are people in this world with real lives, real problems and real jobs, who don’t want to waste their time paying attention to meaningless things. They have things to do, and yet somehow the media manages to still shove down their throats things that they don’t want to know. They wish they didn’t know. They have people that they look up to that they want to talk about instead, if they had the time. It’s funny how people who endlessly seek attention can actually force it out of people they don’t even know.
In school, I have been approached, or it came up in conversation, about how after a certain point I was a little less me. A little lackluster, a little less enthusiastic, a little less perky. Different. Not a complete change, but like how Katie went from being an individual to becoming the better half of TomKat. She was still the same person doing and saying the things she always did, but somehow not as fascinating anymore. In fact, seeming a little more towards tragic. Law offenders go to correctional facilities, rehab, community service. But bullies, you have to go about your daily routines, and still see their faces everyday. Still pass by them, still hear them talk about you. I don’t think I wanted retribution, but at the same time, I was never really able to go back to how I was before.
Ohmygod! I don’t care about being in your clique! Please! I don’t care about reputation or anything! If you don’t want me to be in your clique then great! Cause I never want to be in a clique anyway! I am so not threatened by you guys ignoring me cause there’re lots of people who probably do that to you. Talk to me, don’t talk to me, do whatever you want. Don’t feel obligated to include me just cause you think i’m so desperate to be as famous as you. I don’t want to be another one of your minions to do your dirty work for you! Plan your own parties, steal people’s boyfriends yourself, sneak into all the clubs you want, hook up with anyone you want, do whatever you want just leave me alone. I’m so sick of being part of your stupid schemes. You’re always plotting, and for some reason it always has to involve me. Get your own manual labour! I don’t understand why you have to manipulate someone in your attempts to gain more fame and publicity. Why can’t you just do it yourself? Doesn’t that say something about what you really are? I mean, if you want to be fake then fine, but don’t go around doing all this superficial hedonistic stuff and act all innocent as if you don’t know that you’re being fake.
Don’t act like you’re offended by the things I do, and use that as an excuse to tell me off when everyone knows that you’re just so scared of being seen talking to someone not ‘cool’. I don’t care if i’m not ‘cool’ enough to hang out with your group, I don’t even want be that, whatever that word means. Just own up to it, just admit that the reason you want to alienate me is because you think i’m not good for your reputation or popularity. But you can’t even be honest about that, and to me? I don’t know how you’re going to get what you want, or step on all the people you’re endlessly trying to manipulate. I don’t care how pathetic my life is, I don’t need to climb any ladders.
I don’t think I have to play nice and follow the rules just to hang out with your group. I really don’t care how awesome you people think you are, if there’s something that I don’t like, i’ll just say what’s on my mind. I don’t understand why you feel like you’re doing me a favour by having me in your group. If you feel like putting up with me is such a chore why don’t you just say so? There’s no point me hanging out with you if you don’t even want to hang out with me. It’s unfortunate for me, but if you guys are happier without me, then i’ll gladly leave.
I admit, I sometimes like having things my way, and I can see why people can get ticked off. I don’t like having my actions and my words under inspection by the public, but if people are going to say things about me I can’t do anything about it. You can’t please everyone. Maybe for me it’s nice to be in your group of friends, but i’m not here to please you, i’m always just going to be myself.
I don’t see why I have to put up with such fame-obsessed people. If you want to go to parties, it’s your problem, why you must tell me to look for a clutch for you to bring? Who ask you to RSVP if you don’t even have your full wardrobe yet?
Those people that always have to step on other people on their way up to don’t-know-what. What is it that they want? They know that they manipulate others to get what they want. They bully people but make it look like innocent favours. As if they are in such dire need of help. They only go to those ‘smaller’ people when they need something.
Obviously if you treat people like that, people aren’t going to like you. But then you just make it look like i’m so jealous of your popularity, that’s why I don’t like you. Or you just say that I’m so desperate to be as famous as you or I want to be your best friend. Cause i’m so pathetic, at the ‘bottom of the totem pole’ that i deserve to be looked down on. If i’m mean to someone it’s because I don’t like them, not because I think that i’m more popular than them.
I just wish you’d leave me alone. But still, every single thing you do on your endless mission for glamour always involves me. Do whatever you want just do it without dragging me into it!
Everyone has plans this weekend except me!?! Oh well who cares it’s not like i’ve had my laser hair removal. Someone please tell me why my face isn’t firm and perky, and it looks kindof puffy and a bit saggy instead. I don’t drink honest-to-god. I also happen to be clean from any pharmaceuticals. Right now anyway.
I feel like most people who complain aloud about insecurities, most commonly saying repeatedly that their looks, or pictures of themselves, are ugly; actually sound narcissistic to me when they say that. I feel like most people who say things like that also simultaneously take a lot of pictures of themselves, and care a lot about their looks. Read More
I want to go to
- Marmalade Bangsar Village
- Basil Bangsar Village
- Marche Movenpick The Curve
- Thai Thai Sunway Pyramid
- Paddington House of Pancakes 1Utama
- Delicious by Miss Read 1Utama
- Dome Subang Parade
- Swensens Subang Parade
My dad likes to watch baseball and basketball. And tennis. He doesn’t play, he just watches. And he acts like he’s so enthusiastic about it. He feigns interest in lots of sports. Among the sports he hates are badminton and gymnastics. He also heavily ridicules ballet.
Yesterday, he came home complaining about spending an hour in a traffic jam. I was talking to Ashraf about something else, but he seemed to insist someone pay attention to him — he kept talking about himself. With that really annoying nagging tone of voice that he always talks with when he’s at home. I really think he sounds like a nagging mom-type tv character, but I don’t think anyone else feels the same way. Then he went to look for my mom and sisters, cause he wanted to repeat what he said to them. Because all they do is listen attentively to him talk about his life.
Have you ever woke up in bed alone, looked in the mirror at your ageing self, tired face full of regret, and realise that there’s a gaping hole in your life because you’ve never devoted any of your time to care for another human being? Did the truth about how that kind of life has no meaning ever dawn on you?
Dad, leave for work early in the morning and came home at 10. All other malaysians are capable of planning ahead, but you just want to rush home to your precious tv. Because you arrange your whole life around it. So don’t complain about how hard it is for you to get home during peak hour.
My dad seems to think that everyone enjoys his company a lot. He crashes in on any groups of people (my siblings) and when they get annoyed by what he’s doing, he says that it’s not his fault, cause if she doesn’t like it she should go away. Well, then one by one people are going to leave you and then who will you have? Do you want to die alone?
There’s so much more to being a nice person than just saying a few nice things and smiling a lot. I know that there’s still a lot for me to learn about life. People tell me to shut up all the time and I just shut up. There’s a lot I have to take from older people. But I have to just take it. It’s not my choice. Sometimes my siblings will scold me for stuff and I don’t like it, but i’m supposed to just take it, and be rational.
I’m not going to judge a person by their first impression. I know what my intentions are, so I’m not going to toy with people’s feelings and make them feel alienated from their own friends. If i’m in my house with my friends, sure, I behave however I want. But, around other people, obviously I can’t because I don’t know them that well. And it’s that simple. But, I can get to know them and eventually be as comfortable around them. It’s time that I would have to be willing to take. Effort that I have to be willing to put in. It’s true that I choose my friends. But if I like to be around lots of people and subject myself, then that’s not the case anymore.
I feel that being superficial isn’t just about looks and glamor. You can tell someone’s motivation by the way they behave. There’re people who’re sincere, and there’re people who just want to be there for the happy moments. When you’ve been hit bad and don’t know what to do and don’t know what to expect, you need someone to who’ll take control of the situation for you, and make all the necessary calls and negotiations that you’re in no condition to handle yourself. Where are your hundreds of facebook friends then? I don’t know what it is about some people and getting so much attention. It’s a really strange twisted narcissism. I guess this is what blogging is. It’s funny — i tried so much to separate those I hate, but i might possibly be exactly that.
You can’t walk through life just being a socialite. Knowing people and attending parties doesn’t actually mean you have a real friendship with them. When you start anywhere you want to embrace the people around you. You try to take what you can from what they do, learn from it, and try it yourself. If you look at any successful woman you’ll surely see that she didn’t operate just within her job description in order to be promoted to such a high position. She obviously had to go above and beyond. Don’t come to me throwing around names of people you know. It’s not like you actually ever did anything for them. I don’t care how many people you know, or how famous you are, I just want to know what you’re trying to represent with all this behavior. It’s ridiculous to watch a girl receive so much recognition and attention because of her existing fame and social status. There are work horses and show ponies. There are top ten percenters: the top 10% that end up doing 90% of the work and outperforming 90% of their peers. You don’t necessarily need to be the smartest or have the best connections to be in this category, to be in this category you need to go above and beyond.When you start out anywhere you have a rare opportunity to work closely with people who are extremely knowledgeable, hard working, and experienced and instead of using that to her advantage and learning from it she’s choosing to stick her nose in the air. At the end of the day if you do well, it’s going to benefit the people you represent. Honestly, I would never wish for anyone to come back and fail, because that’s, one, more work for everyone else, and, two, it doesn’t make you look great and that reflects on everybody.You don’t get places by JUST doing your job, you get places by building relationships and working above the job description. “I’m not here for that, I’m just here for this,”. Well, you’re here now. Is it my fault that you’re here? It’s not my problem if you can’t handle it here, everyone else has enough to do already without having to hold your hand. Everyone else worked up the ranks; likely from producing exceptional work–not skating by with mediocre work. “So what if I didn’t show up, everyone else skipped out the whole week,”. Don’t compare yourself to anyone but yourself. No matter how good or bad everyone else is doing, the only person you are competing against is with yourself. If you don’t know who you are and what you want, I can’t help you.
Also, I have to go out and buy more wrapper. That day when I was shopping with my mom and siblings, we were supposed to get wrapper but I forgot.
Yesterday morning my mom watched Taken on starmovies. Ever since that movie whenever someone leaves she has to tell them not to get kidnapped and says that she won’t be able to save them.
I don’t care how much people beg for your company to events, sing your praises, or call you incessantly. Do you not realize you made innocent people sit out a 2-hour traffic jam just so that you can go to the train station? How does this make you a good person? Why do you get to do this and i’m still expected to be polite and civil to you? And in the middle of it you get a phone call from your friend saying that she’s in front of the house to pick you up?!?! Which one is it? Who do you want to go out with? Why was she stood up? Was she not cool enough for you? Yea big deal, you say that you just need to be sent to the train station and you can go the rest of the way yourself — guess what? every day you’re the one who chooses where you go and what you do, so don’t bleeping wait for and expect people to send you anywhere if you could’ve just walked out of the house in the morning by yourself since you’re so bleeping good at planning things and going places yourself. If you have to be sent to the train station, you might as well be sent all the way to midvalley (don’t act like you’re more creative than that cause I know you’re not above frequenting the same bleeping place since you’re so closed off to anything else and you bleeping think you know everything). Don’t tell me to move out of my house and get a job!
I just woke up an hour ago, I don’t need to be thinking about this, yet everyday it just haunts me because the whole experience is just so traumatizing. I can’t even spend a decent peaceful morning without having to put up with this.
Why does the laptop always have to get so hot? Ouch.
Anyway, I want a few things.
It would also be nice to have this. I don’t know what happened to me. Could it be that i’m truly alone in the world? Not without desserts i’m not. I don’t want to be so spiteful but everywhere I turn there’re reminders of the insults thrown at me. I can’t speak to anyone without certain names coming up in conversation. They don’t even have to choose sides though. Just knowing that they’re associated with the people who did that to me is enough to send me far away from them. I don’t want to be all alone for the rest of my life, but this thing isn’t going to just blow over. I feel victimized, I don’t like that feeling, it’s not something that I consciously do to myself. Why is it my fault for feeling offended when someone says something mean to me? Shouldn’t you blame her instead? So there, that’s why I truly have no one.
And I thought that driving would mean I could actually get somewhere.
Yesterday, I went with the family to have lunch at Secret Recipe taipan. Again, no pictures, because the camera’s not mine. My mom was late to leave to go to Shangri-La Putrajaya. Later, after she and my brother had finished packing, I went with them to meet my mom’s friend at persiaran kewajipan, and then they got out of the car and went into hers, and I drove, or rather, waited out the massive traffic congestion, to get home.
- 2:15 pm Arrive home from seeing off mom and my brother
- 2:45 pm Send Adila to piano class
- 3:57 pm Is late to go pick her up
- 4:15 pm Arrive home, Aniza says wait let me log out of everything first
- 4:20 pm Set off for Adrianna’s birthday party
- 4:28 pm Omg this girl lives right on the bazaar ramadhan
So I tried to make the card for Adrianna’s present. I decided it was time to own up to who I really am, so I figured that there’s no better time to show my penmanship than on a somewhat peaceful weekend. It’s true, i’ve really let myself go and have started getting really sloppy with assembling things together. There’s even an ‘i’ i forgot to dot. I honestly can’t really believe that my handwriting has got this bad. I guess i’ll look around for ideas to make a better one next time. Anyway, the present was a notebook, and I wrapped it to make it look like a bigger present, just cause I think it’s fun to do that.
The party was supposed to finish at 6:30 pm, but Aniza only wanted to come home at 7:30 pm.
Yay! I remembered to take out the garbage! Just now I asked aloud to my brother what he’ll have at school today, and I even asked again if he really is only coming home at 6:00 pm, and on top of that I asked him if he’ll be able to make the full day since it seemed really heavy. I made sure to ask right in front of my dad, but still he didn’t get it. He just assumes that my brother’s lunch will just buy itself. That’s just cold. There is no parent on earth who’d deliberately get out of giving his own 12 year old son some lunch money for one day. And then if he doesn’t get to eat we never hear the end of it.
On Sunday, my mom asked my what was my honest take on the whole abolishment of major school exams in our country. After my mom pushed aside my ambiguous front answers, she got me to tell the truth, and I said that I think everything’s perfectly fine the way it is. And my mom said that i’m old-thinking and not progressive. Does anyone see any role-reversals here? I was quite adamant in stating that parents shouldn’t complain about how school kids are exam oriented, they should raise their kids to be however they should be. Welcome to the third world, parents. I said to my mom, that having so many schools provided for the many many school kids in the country is something so precious. It’s something we’re so lucky to have, and it really is a privilege to be able to go school-shopping especially if you live in USJ. Still, that’s not enough for the parents. They want everything to be like this or like that. Cause it’s so easy to restructure the whole education system to the way you want it. It’s funny to me that all these parents knew what was going on in school sin our country — they attended them themselves. Yet, only now that they’re parents do they realise that they want to speak out about it.
Where were they all those years before they had kids, or before their kids went to school? I certainly hope you had a plan for your life, you and your spouse must have talked about what you want the future of your family to be; how you want to raise your kids, and which school you want them to go to. And only now you’re so worried about schools supposedly making kids exam-oriented?
Those kids go home from school every day, I certainly don’t think that learning stops once you leave the classroom. Every parent has a chance to talk to their kid, and impart whatever wisdom they wish to their kids. Your kids are living with you after all, don’t tell me you don’t have time to tell your kid anything. Work can drag on for hours and there’s the commute, everyone knows that, but you know that you have to manage your life and your time. What little you have left you can still use it for parenting. Your kids may come home from school saying that there’s so much emphasis on exams and it’s so life-or-death, but you can raise them to rise to the challenge and more. Is it really any wonder that kids feel that they should just exam-prep exam-prep when their parents are just work-work-work?
No one is forcing you to send your kids to these schools! If you want to whine and moan so much about teachers and teaching take it to someone who listens! There are plenty of options for you, but instead you want the education system to do your parenting for you. Oh boo hoo, it’s all school’s fault that my kids are not well-rounded. You can raise them to be well-rounded! Oh yes, that would require you to raise them, wouldn’t you?
How do you know what goes into the whole teaching-learning process? Teachers don’t just sit around writing lesson plans, they’re marking homework and coursework, and that’s not just for one class, or one form. Every teacher takes at least 3 forms or 3 standard. And that’s just for one subject! Then there’s the administrative work. There’s extra curriculars. And after school there’s those meetings that the principal insists on dragging out really long to scream at them. Then the students already have coursework to do, even though there’re major exams. PEKA, oral, and history paper. One big one is Add Maths project for which most kids have to download a whole software to generate the complex equations required. All of this coursework keep a lot of kids on the computer for hours on end. Definitely not something you can pull a one-nighter on. Moral there’s kerja amal, agama there’s PAFA and maybe something else I can’t remember. See? Kids still do other stuff than just study to the exam. But are the parents even aware of this? They don’t know, they don’t care how hard it is to complete all that. And if the teacher says it’s not accurate, you have to do the whole thing again until it’s correct, since there’s only pass or fail for coursework. Wrong or right.
Yesterday I sent my younger sister to Holiday Villa for her music exam. I thought that i’d be quick enough to get home by 1:15 after picking up my brother from school but I was clearly wrong. Interestingly enough, I was still able to get a good waiting spot even though I left the house as late as 12:35, and then after waiting until 1:10pm I somehow impulsively got out of the car and tried to look for my brother, but he actually just got to the car and had to tell me that I just missed him. Anyway, luckily I was still near the car.
By the time I got home it was 1:30, and I didn’t even bring any water for my sister. The reason we were supposed to leave the house at 1:15 was because she needed to be at the exam venue at least 30 minutes before the time of her exam. So, I was in a mad rush, her performance was clearly affected, but we had to go on, so she just sucked it up and tried to stay positive. We arrived at Holiday Villa at 1:45 and by the time we took the lift up it was about 1:50, but thankfully she was still able to register. I didn’t like that there were so many mosquitoes in the waiting room — clearly it wasn’t meant to be a waiting room for candidates, but my sister was totally calm, trying to concentrate and focus her energy. How can there be mosquitoes inside the hotel anyway? No wonder the other candidate didn’t really sit down and the next one that came sat in a different part of the hotel. As far as I know, it’s an honour if your hotel was asked to host an ABRSM music exam. Management must think there’re more important things. Read More
Today I woke up aching and my face felt so swollen. None of us woke up early enough to follow Aniza to parade for her piano lesson. I made everyone have lunch at Coffee Bean, but I forgot to bring Adila’s camera, so no pictures. Aniza was stuck with my Dad for lunch at Delifrance. When my dad got home from Delifrance he was all so excited that my youngest sister got a distinction for ABRSM grade 2 theory. I made a sarcastic comment about he helped her with intervals, rests, note groupings, and all the theory drills. And I even said that my younger sister is already grade 7 but never once got a distinction. He still didn’t get it! My mom even said that of course she has, and that even I have some. Clearly, she’s the one playing the pieces, not you, so that means its not your music career — it’s hers! It has nothing to do with you!
After that, we set off for grandpa’s house, and then later went to Melissa’s house! Omg it was raining so heavily, and I couldn’t believe I had the chance to see Melissa Kyra Keesha and Adam again — they were so beautiful, even more beautiful than I remembered omg. Then, my sister had to go back to JB, on the way to the bus station we ate at a highway McD. I’m still not pleased that :
a) My Dad didn’t give my sister any money, yet expected her to come back to KL more often.
b) My sister still has to go back and forth by bus, which isn’t ideal enough for me.
Also, my Dad hugged my sister. Because he’s such a wonderful caring parent, always so concerned about her health and well-being; having been there for every doctor’s appoiontment, orthodontists’ appointment, driving lesson, report-card. I made so many sarcastic comments but he still didn’t get it. I suppose he honestly thinks that i’m nothing to her cause i’m just her brother. Why would she want to hug me goodbye, right? We don’t have a relationship, oh no. He does with her simply because he happens to be biologically related to her. Nevermind all those times he shouted at her and sweared at her.
I feel really sick, my whole body is still aching, and i don’t have a temperature but I think I have chills.
My dad said that his company wants to post him in Jakarta. He told me that he doesn’t want to go cause he won’t be able to see us often. The man who considers parenting his oldest daughter as just a hug every time she comes into town and just saying take care. Sending kids to ballet or piano is such a chore to him. And he’s telling me that he doesn’t want to ‘not see us often’. I wish he’d go. That way I can continue to live at home and I can be happy. Actually for a long time, I knew that if I got a job and moved out of the house everything would be solved. But I don’t want to be the one who leaves. I’m selfish. But one day, I will move out, so that’s a compromise. Read More
So yesterday I was going through my dad’s eMac to take out all of my psds, and i spent more than an hour going back and forth between my laptop and his computer cause my thumbdrive is only 125MB. Yea, I bought it about 6 years ago, ancient I know. Anyway, on the eMac the file icons have the preview of what the image content looks like, so it’s easy for me to pick and choose what to open, but on this Dell, everything has the some photoshop logo. Why is windows like that? I thought that when I was on my sister’s windows-vista I didn’t have this problem. Now I have to open every file one by one until I get the one I want, since that’s the only way to know what’s inside. I could name the files, but that would be so many names — I still won’t remember what’s inside or how it corresponds to what’s inside. Gawd. So anyway, that eMac has like 20.3 GB available space but it’s still really slow. There’s so much more of my stuff on that computer that I need to delete but they’re all actually just text files, word documents, spreadsheets, and powerpoints. There’s an iPhoto Library under my account but it’s just the same pictures as in my dad’s account so I can just delete that whole album straight away. But still, I don’t think my files are the bulk of what’s taking up so much space on his computer. He keeps downloading like divx player and stuff like that, I mean I don’t add in unnecessary applications like that. I had transmit for ftp, and I deleted that since it was a trial anyway. I deleted acquisition since my sister got a laptop, and photoshop of course you have to leave it there since it’s so useful. My account on that computer takes up about 4.5GB, and I don’t think it’s that bad. I’ve deleted all my music and all my wallpapers.
My dad called the house yesterday and since I was unfortunate enough to pick up, he decided to make me the one to have to tell everyone the bad news — they’re coming to spray the house! And it’s today. Omg how will I ever clean up everything?! I made sure there’s no food out, and that clothes are in cupboards and drawers, and I put away any out-in-the-open pharmaceuticals, but still I have to pull the furniture away from the walls. I hate this so much. Everything is going to reek of insecticide. I hate this I hate this I hate this!!!
I played games on disneychannel.com almost the whole day yesterday. I really like them cause everything looks so bright cheerful and pretty, and it’s fun! It’s just so great that you can play a game just by entering a URL, no downloading needed. I’ve particularly been playing Emperor’s Mad Dash. I also really like Rufus Snow Ride. I keep losing at both but I keep clicking ‘play again’ ! I really don’t want to play Solitaire or Minesweeper anymore — so muak already.
Yesterday evening I realised that there was a cut on my foot, and I couldn’t really figure out what I could’ve possibly stepped on. Later it was time to send Adila to music class, so I just completely forgot to band-aid it and just walked around parade in a weird way. I guess it was worth the pain since I love parade so much. Not like I went shopping anyway — I just went to buy correction tape cause Adila ran out, and that took up a lot of time cause I was wandering around not knowing where to look for what I want. It’s funny that I go to parade so much and I still don’t know where everything is.
And I finally fixed the dates on my blog — took me long enough to get around to doing it! I don’t think there’s anything else that’s wrong here.
Sunday night Aniza had piano class at 7pm, so the whole family went to parade, and then after dropping off Aniza, we stood outside The Chicken Rice Shop to wait for a table. Adila needed to buka puasa and it was already getting late, and, without realising it, I was wasting time standing there when I could’ve gone to the watch shop right across to replace batteries for my Nike watch that my mom bought for me three years ago. So anyway, after Aniza comes downstairs and we all finish eating and everything, we passed by Love It which inspired some wardrobe ideas, went to Parkson to look for a birthday present for Adila’s friend, and then went to Cold Storage. We were about to leave when I finally realised that the person at Time2Time said pick it up after 20 minutes — it’s already been over 2 hours! I rushed there, made a hissy fit about not being able to charge it to my mom’s card, and then met everyone at the car. Yay! I think I much prefer wearing this watch even though the canvas isn’t really that breathable I don’t know why.
So, here’s a look at my workspace from a few days ago. I just like to be excessively proud of the things I make.
I can’t watch How I Met Your Mother because my mom changed the channel to watch Parkinson.
I just want to say, that I feel really bad that you are with an ugly hag. You’re a good person, and you should be happy. I wish she wasn’t holding you captive and just dragging you around as an accessory. I’m sure you’d know that ripe, fresh meat tastes so much better. She’s just trash.
I don’t care if it’s your 1 year or 10 year anniversary with him. He doesn’t love you! You just represent the idea of a fairytale romance that breaks all boundaries. There’s plenty of gorgeous fresh young meat to go around. And they’re not witches. In fact, I’ll wait 50 years if I have to, but eventually he’ll realize that there’s more for him in life, and you’ll get what you deserve.
I think eventually pretending to like people at parties will just wear me out. I don’t know why I risk going anywhere near people that I really hate. I know that i’m allowed to live my own life, and even if I don’t associate myself with people who’re friends with people I hate, I can still be surrounded by lots of people. It may be a small world, but it’s not so small that I have to settle for fake friends who don’t care about me. Even if I do end up alone, who cares? I’d rather be by myself than pretend to like people just for the sake of having company. Is this some kind of school field trip or something? We don’t just follow people around wherever they go.
Azreen : Mom, I don’t want to tell Dad that i’m following everyone to Kuantan.
Mom: Then don’t.
Azreen: He keeps coming up to me asking me if i’m going. I mean, I really wanna go with everyone else but not if he’s coming too.
Mom: Just say you don’t know.
Okay the thing is that my younger sister, Adila, told me that I have a chance to be friends with my mom. And well, if you think about it, she’s my mom, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Well, everything was fine and then suddenly we got torn apart. I don’t mean to sound so dramatic about it, it’s just that since I’m not my older sister, Alina, i’m inadequate as a living being, so my mom would naturally prefer someone else my age to believe what they say / call her own. I don’t blame her for dismissing everything I say as overreacting, there is a huge difference between me and my sister. But then when someone comes into my home life and tries to turn everything their way, i’m left helpless. Especially when my siblings conveniently all have reasons to not be able to be on my side. I’m not trying to win a popularity contest — I just wish people would go chase their superficial goals and climbs their social ladders without implicating me.
Anyway, my Dad called just now and asked me (for the millionth time) whether or not I’m going to Kuantan. I told him that I don’t know. Then he pitied himself for having to leave for I don’t know where for a business trip without anyone at home to see him off into the cab, complaining that he didn’t bring the remote control and that he hopes he has the correct key for the gate. Then he badgered me again about whether or not I’m going to Kuantan. I just said I don’t know, if [my mom] forces me to go, then I have to go. And then he said that he heard the Hyatt there is really nice, and then I just said okay, but I didn’t think to tell him that no one’s going to be able to afford to stay there. He’s so annoying. He said that if i’m not going then he won’t either, but if i’m going then he’ll go on saturday morning. Who invited him, right? He even told me to tell everyone not to go in the water at the beach because of the strong undercurrents and people always drown there. As if he cares!
Well, this image was supposed to be for post 20, but I only made it so much later. Please visit So Selena for more Selena photoshoots. You know she told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show that Logan Lerman is the next big thing? And then Bonnie Hunt told Logan Lerman to ask her out. These people have got talk show hosts setting them up for dates. Anyway, I think that I shouldn’t go to Kuantan cause my dad will be there anyway, and I can’t stay home for the weekend cause my dad’ll stay with me if I do. So I’ll have to go to Thailand like Miranda did. Does anyone watch that show?
I took another try at making something for the ancient orchids contest even though the contest is closed, I just thought that I should do something to show myself what I can do. Indeed the colour scheme and overall look is kind of tacky and not-in-a-good-way-retro. Well, I don’t know why I was so pleased with it anyway. Hopefully I will be able to build upon this in the future, but i’m actually looking for a technique I can call my own.
I really wonder if I go through life just blissfully unaware. People more recondite always fascinated me, I look up to their strong beliefs about humanity and modern society, how they mourn the tragic fall of mankind, how we had so much promise and potential but, in the end, sabotaged ourselves and became victims of our own natures. When I contemplate my fate, I think about whether or not I would end up being cut off from the rest of the world, from the rest of humanity, in darkness, having suffered fighting, bloodshed, and pain, but, through faith maybe mankind could steal the chance for new lives, for redemption to become a promising race once again. When I was in school and teachers told me that death is not the answer, that just really interested me because death is the only certain thing about life. I always thought about how everyone seems to be so happy coincidentally only during the times when i’m not there. If I say that I have no place in this world, could it be that instead I just haven’t found it yet? I really doubt that there are people like me in this world. Except my dad. I’ve been trying to be a better person my whole life. After all of these years, and still no progress, the idea of me being a person worth getting to know is seeming more and more narcissistic every second.
Yesterday I entered a header contest at Ancient Orchids. Here’s my entry. As you can see, it’s not something one would submit with the expectation of winning, but I thought I’d just give it a try since I used to enjoy making banners and stuff. Now, it just feels like a lot of work, plus it ended up completely not what I was aiming for. I’m just pleased that I finished something.
It’s like hearing gurgling babies at a funeral. There’s nothing like the uplifting sound of an innocent child being happy, but when something so awful has happened, it just suddenly doesn’t seem right to enjoy the brightness and joy of the world. I feel like I just live in intervals of ups and downs, and it’s so humiliating because i’m supposed to be in control and have control over what goes on in my life, but somehow when I least expect it I turn around and something falls completely apart. What’s the use of enjoying happy moments when you know that it’s just an interval before more turmoil. I’m sick of living my life from one conflict to another.
It’s not like I purposely like the things that I like — that’s just how I feel about them. I never wanted to not be able to like travelling and going on holidays like everyone else, but that’s just not me. Party after party, my life just feels out of perspective after that. I don’t know. I’m looking for something else, but I don’t exactly know what it is. I just don’t want to always feel humiliated trying to chase after something that people think is a waste of time.
You make yourself look perfect in every way
So when this goes down i’m the one who will be blamed
Your plan is working so you can just walk away
I never realised how two-faced I was until I experienced someone doing the exact same thing to me. It’s ironic how some people can complain about someone and yet still be sycophant to them. Obviously I have nothing, and even the friends I do have wouldn’t be able to help me when i’m up against someone of higher rank and stature.
I can tell what’s going on this time
There’s a stranger in my life
If they always like to behave a certain way only to me while seeming so nice to everyone else, i’m clearly not the reason their reputation is at stake — you don’t have to come near me if you don’t want to, you don’t have to hang out nearby me if you don’t want to, someone can hear you saying something callous to me, it’s your own fault.
You walk and talk like your some new sensation
You move in circles you don’t need an invitation
You spend your money you can’t get no satisfaction
You play it right so you can get the right reaction
I know who I am, and I don’t see any point in climbing the social ladder if I clearly don’t fit at any point on it. I don’t see why I would need so much attention from people, or why I need to be liked about by others or seen as acceptable to everyone. It’s just not possible to please everyone, and everyone has their right to choose their own friends anyway. I don’t need to do the same thing that everyone else is doing, I don’t need to go to the places everyone else goes. I have to make my own decisions about my own life, it shouldn’t be based on the critical reception I receive. If you think I’m wasting my life doing something lame, then don’t waste your memory space knowing about it. Don’t waste your time pitying me for not being popular, you don’t care about my life anyway.
I don’t want to be friends with someone if they just want me to be their posse. I don’t want to pretend to like other people just so that I can perpetuate some kind of idea about me being a well-liked socially acceptable person. I don’t really care about my reputation because I decide what kind of person I should be — it’s up to me. You can go around saying that I’m weird for having a different opinion about things or ‘saying what I think’ — really, I wouldn’t be surprised, millions of other people have said bad things about me and I’m sure you’re all in the same club doing all those cool things that i’m too pathetic to know how to do.
What’s out of place when you look into the mirror
The truth is blurry but the lies are getting clearer
Your eyes are fixed, your smile is so elastic
he gave me roses but they’re all just made of plastic
I just don’t feel that I have to exhibit everything about my life to everyone. I don’t need affirmation from other people about anything in my life. Everyday I wake up and put on an outfit that I don’t really like, and I just toss my hair in whatever way seems somewhat amusing and that’s enough for me. I know that I don’t look cute or now but I don’t really care. There are bad things in my life, I have problems, but there are also happy moments, all of which are mine to experience. I don’t need to make my life a display for everyone to acknowledge whether or not i’m ‘keeping up’. Approve of me, don’t approve of me, it’s still my life and i’m the one who’ll have to live it. Even if I don’t show off everything about me to the world, people will still say what they want, people talk, and i’m used to it, I expect that much, cause I know those people are not my friends and they don’t know me. And it’s probably not worth it for me to know them either.
Smile for the camera everybody’s looking at you
Smile for the camera ’cause there all about to trash you
Smile for the camera, camera, camera
Smile for the camera, who’s gonna catch ya
I smile perfectly for the camera as if i’m so happy, as if there’s nothing wrong in my life. Small talk and eager conversation as if there isn’t something weighing on me, or that there’s something I should have done but haven’t. I makes no sense for me to pretend like everything’s going so great.
I guess it’s better to keep your opinions to yourself, but I don’t think I do or necessarily should regret speaking my opinion because when someone asks I don’t want to be like “umm I don’t know,” because it’s as if i’m trying to please everyone and you can’t please everyone and i’m sure what i’m saying now will not please everyone but everyone feels a certain way about something and people shouldn’t apologize for feeling a certain way about something or believing in the things you believe in because that makes you who you are. As long as you’re not forcing your opinions on someone else, it’s not wrong to speak your opinion.
I just think that I know who I am, and if you don’t know who you are then people will try to make you into the person that they want you to be and you end up not becoming the person you are supposed to be or the person you want to be.
There are people everywhere and each one is different, so it’s unrealistic for you to think that everyone would like you. If you want to meet new people or make a connection with people you have to be able to individually reach out to them and try to experience what they experience. If you say that you want to meet new people and try new things, it wouldn’t necessarily be correct for you to selectively talk to people who do things that you’re interested in only. If you say you want to have fun, then it’s a different story.
Hey! Omg it’s been so long, how are you? As you can see, apart from having really let myself go, I’m exactly the same as when I was 17. But then again, it makes all the difference doesn’t it? Especially nowadays, I just eat and eat and eat, I don’t even realise what i’m doing. Having sagged and spilled all over the place so much, my body is so impossible not to notice I should feel guilty about the number of people I to whom I caused nightmares. Yea, I know, insane right? Hey don’t call me crazy, but come on, we all get a little crazy sometimes right? Don’t tell me you haven’t had a ridiculous out-of-your-mind totally wild night this week, everyone knows what a party animal you can be. Speaking of parties, I haven’t been attending any for the past few, oh I don’t know, lifetimes? Yeah, who knew it was even possible for me to become even more of a hermit than I used to be? Talk about taking homely a little too far. It’s funny, people ask me why I allowed my life to spiral so far downwards, and I don’t even know! And i’m like, what reputation? It took a nosedive? Yea, anyway, i’d love to hear about all your wonderful life achievements compared to me being single old unemployed living with my parents with no life experiences whatever, but I think i’ll just skip ahead to the pathetic wailing on my bed moaning about how jealous I am about everyone else’s life curling up in bitterness of my own life to stew in my own self loathing. After the excessive servings of comfort food you’ll probably find me playing minesweeper or solitaire or something.
Could it be that i’m so insanely happy that I have nothing to moan and whine about here? Don’t be silly.
Anyway, I was thinking to myself about how my dad hurts people most probably because he’s so stressed that i’m 20 unemployed and still living with my parents. Then, Ashraf told me about why my dad bought Aniza the Wii steering wheel. He explained to me that my dad didn’t complain about having to buy it, and anyone who knows my dad would know how insincere he is about doing anything for anyone — he would’ve totally complained and make a big deal about not only how much it would cost, but the hassle of going to buy it. And he didn’t, so it must’ve been for himself. And the thing doesn’t even have any function it’s just an accessory to attach onto the Wiimote. And Ashraf told me that you can get them free when you buy the MarioKart CD. I was horrified. I mean, it clearly shows my dad tricked Aniza into thinking he got her an actual birthday present. It’s just an offhand meaningless thing that he used to blackmail her into being nice to him.