Okay, this isn’t something new, and most people should know this about me, but i’m very emotional right now. If by now you still don’t know how to click on read more, then I don’t know why I should say that you care about me at all. Read More
I was using posterous to autopost to this blog via mobile up until last year, cause when it came to resizing images and stuff I didn’t have much freedom of options. I haven’t been using the posterous mobile app for quite a while, both because I was having problems with the app itself for which I didn’t recieve any support even after inquiring via twitter, and because I was too busy to open my laptop to the needed edits to whatever post that I did through the mobile app. But everything seems fine now I guess. I’m enjoying posterous for itself, rather than just relying it as a means to post to my blog from my phone, this is of course after I had to delete and reinstall the app on my phone. The best thing about imgur is that is supports gifs, and that’s what my gifs that i’ve been using on my blog have been subsisting by. Not that i’m posting any for today. Also I have to address the broken image links on my previous posts. I’ll get to them eventually. I don’t know what happened to the links, and I don’t know what happened to the images, it’s actually quite sad for me, but i’ll just have to delete each of the links. Images available to view after the jump.
I want a new theme! I have no time to make my own from scratch, but I haven’t found any premades that I like either. In the past I used to make new themes for myself and switch up every month, partly because I thought I would continue having all the time in the world and also because I didn’t want to admit that a lot of my themes I was only deceiving myself to like. I’m glad this theme was something I was able to first of all find, and second of all actually serve it’s purpose quite well, and I didn’t mind sticking to it for so many years. I’m sure there are many people who would differ but nothing I can do about it now, cause I can’t find a good theme to replace it and even if I do, I think everything will end up getting completely messed up, especially my tags, dates, categories, and everything in the sidebar. I want to make good use of the “more” tag so that it’s easier to scroll through posts, so i’ll try and keep posts that have long or seemingly long-winded content trimmed to only the first paragraph before the tag, and hopefully my blog will look more tidy.
I just feel so panicked all the time, and everyone keeps saying i’ve been behaving so abnormally. I’m shaking right now, i’m so scared, i’m so exhausted but I can’t seem to fall asleep. When I close my eyes I just go back to that trauma. I feel like crying but there’re no tears left. I feel so ashamed, so humiliated. I don’t ever want to wake up. Everyone ran off so quickly, everyone has somewhere to be, but I can’t escape this constant fear. This is your comfort zone, but that’s where the magic happens, and I don’t think I can make it there.
I just feel so sad and exhausted and disappointed and lonely. I miss home so badly. I just want my life back, I just want things to be stable again. I hate being stepped on and humiliated all the time. I wish I could just have some peace of mind and quite time by myself. I have headache and backache almost all the time. The moment I lie down to sleep my neck hurts so bad. I keep eating but I feel like I haven’t eaten in ever. I feel like I have no more tears left. I really wish I had some back up with me right now, I honestly don’t know what else I can do. There’s so much that I have to do but I don’t have the energy. I can’t believe this is what my 200th post is about.
This is my 199th blog post. And it’s the first blog post of the year. I wish this year started off better. It’s supposed to be so much more cheerful. I hate that I let myself feel so empty and worthless today. I missed all those sweet hallmark movies, I missed all those amazing discounts. Everyone attended the year end sale, like full on. Life is short, why do I constantly give my time to people who want me to follow their rules all the time. It’s not your job to fix me, that’s true. I should be able to decide for myself whether or not I need fixing, and I don’t want to be in that position where i’m constantly being judged, not anymore. Happy 2013, to all my blog readers.
Last post of the year. I can’t believe that the year is ending, I wish I could stay here in 2012 where I already know how tragic and pathetic everything turns out, so I won’t be surprised and disappointed. I’m not ready to start a whole other year with so many decisions and consequences to deal with. I haven’t accomplished anything, and I never made any changes in myself, and I wasted all of my time. I hate this, I hate everything. I wish 2013 would be good to me, but just the thought of expecting something out of the new year is hurtful, and i’m disappointed already. I wanna be with my bestfriends and my family. I don’t want to be lonely all the time. This was never what I planned for myself, and I can’t believe things got this bad. Yet I still want to stay in this year rather than move onto the next and make a whole new set of humiliating mistakes.
So last night I got really upset and cried, and it served as amusement. Anyway, I came up with a list of girl names for your future daughter. Here it is — Erin, Eden, Parker, Winter (gotta have that in the list), Peyton, Blake, Lee, and Sydney. I think they’re great, and they go with absolutely any middle name. Just a short post today, i’m going to PappaRich with my mom and siblings.
Wow! I watched Horrible Bosses. Albeit at home, but I still liked it! It was hilarious! It really is something that most people feel and think about at least at some point in their lives. Jen Aniston didn’t look too fake either! Dale and his fiancé are so sweet.
Here’s what else I want to watch — an old movie I missed out on and was so upset about not watching, Monte Carlo!!! How could anyone not watch that movie right?
Anyway, my sister encouraged me to join the subang parade logo competition, and I figured, since we’re at subang parade every other day, we really might as well. I made 3 logos. My sister made 2. Hers were really good. I should’ve told her to do the whole thing for me from the beginning. But that should be besides the point. I really had no idea what kind of logo to make, and I was just so bound with trying to include all trademarks and keep within the theme. Typical me, always thinking inside the box. Why can’t I be creative? I thought that whenever given the limits and rules, I always ask for the exact things that go against them? Have I really lost my ability to think?
I was watching Fever Pitch on, would you believe it, Fox Movies Premium, and it turns out that it’s only the second romantic comedy to end with Drew Barrymore on baseball diamond. Jimmy Fallon portraying profound emotion, proclaiming his love for someone, being serious, Drew Barrymore looking gorgeous as the hurt girlfriend and accomplished career woman in every touching scene. It’s really insane how Lindsay wanted to take Ben back just because he was selling his tickets. And her race to Ben not only cost her 600 bucks, but also a possible back injury. It was so insane but so sweet I almost cried. I can’t believe I watched a movie about baseball, ew!! I hate that sport!
Hey guys, I just wanted to say that i’m really lucky to have Ashraf as my brother, and that he was always really kind to me even when I didn’t deserve it. He doesn’t judge me, and he always takes an interest in what happens to me, and I can’t imagine what life would be like if I didn’t have my brother. Nothing I could do can ever repay his kindness, and especially when I see cute videos of him I feel really sad that I didn’t do more for him. Having my brother trust me is an amazing gift, and I feel like my life is complete, even though there are some bad financial things that are gonna happen to me as a result of my carelessness this past year.
Most days I feel like walking alone on the main roads and seeing how long before I get run over by a bus.
Girl X and I were in the same group for some kind of class project. She seemed to think she knew me.
Whenever I go on hotmail and type my e-mail and password, it just goes back to the login page to trick me into filling it up over and over again. I don’t understand! It’s the same on firefox. Plus, everytime I want to upload using imgur, it just says pending. Pending pending for hours! What is wrong with the internet? What is wrong with my laptop? How am I supposed to get anything done?
190th post! Yesterday I finally got to see a movie — I haven’t got to go see one in ages, especially since no one wanted to take me to see breaking dawn. And there’s all the other movies that I missed like Something Borrowed, Burlesque, Horrible Bosses. And that’s just to name a few. I really should have been brought to see mirror mirror. Such a tragedy that I haven’t seen it until now. I saw Yana Samsudin and Pierre Andre! I was really near and I didn’t say or do anything cause I was so stunned. I had no idea about the premiere showing, nor did I notice the media there. I don’t think I was ever that close to a celebrity.
Anyway I was so lucky to get to see RoTG with my two sisters, and I was lucky that my younger sister asked me to come and join her group of friends for dinner.
Speaking of tickets, this other thing that I really wanted to go for was sold out and I couldn’t go, but I really want to go. I feel so lonely, and this status quo is really suffocating. To make it worse, I spent so much on car service, laptop repair, and a portion of piano fees that i’m scared to open my wallet now because I don’t want to know how little I have.
Every parent wants desperately to have the pride of saying that their daughter is studying overseas, and is getting engaged etc. They all want to talk to other parents about how their kids are friends with the other parents’ kids because they’re so popular. There’s still so much hanging over my head — fallouts with frenemies, car accident, constant arguing with my dad. The happy family show is such a tired act. I can’t cope with it. Whose convenience are we really staying together for? Will I still have my blog if i don’t have my sisters? Why is my mom so comfortable with the fact that i’m nothing without my sisters? Now that i’m using this smartphone, am i really able to go back to a regular phone anymore?
It’s really not that hard to understand, or see if someone is hurting. There’s always something there, or rather, right behind the facade, and often it’s transparent enough. It’s hard to look past the expensive electronics, the designer bag, the hair-do, the shoes, the excessive photo-ops for every public affair. When someone is doing so much to seem normal is that not when you know something is amiss? I will never understand why family problems seem to strike so randomly, and how people of that socioeconomic background do so much to cover it up, but I have been unfortunate enough to learn first hand that I should be careful of it’s unsuspecting nature, and it’s persistence in our society. I couldn’t stand being in the same group as S for that whole year, but when I think back to her photowall I realise there aren’t many pictures with her dad or extended family. She filtered out the good things about her life to show off. And she did it well. I couldn’t bear to think that I could ever be in the same category as her, but if my memory of how life treats me serves, it should fit the pattern.
Okay, so when I deal with the large amounts of spam that i get in my comments, it gets annoying but it also reminds me that i shouldn’t expect anything more than just spam in my comments.
Is this going to be another dinner that everyone is just going to ignore me? another event where i end up being asked to take a picture for you, or hold your things for you? Then I don’t wanna go. When you ask me to come does it mean that you’re going to put me in a seat next to someone I don’t know or have nothing in common and nothing to talk with? Then I don’t wanna go!! Why must I be the accessory? Every single time? What’s really insulting is if someone feels they are helping me to feel useful when they have me doing things for them. There are many people in this world who are so proud of themselves, and just keep flattering themselves for everything they do. Speaking to someone like me who apparently doesn’t deserve any greeting other than being called weird seems to merit them a charity award. They seriously think I like them so much that i thank god every time they do what’s “beneath them” and be seen with me. They think that they’ve done so much, and I should be so grateful. They’re so satisfied with themselves. And they ask things about me that they actually know the answer to because they don’t want to know anything more. They enjoy the influence that they have, and the attention they receive, and they make sure it continues to only go to them. They make sure that everyone else stays in their place. They don’t admit to being the most popular but they do everything possible to remain the most popular.
Who do I have to be myself around? It’s not fair, you never have to even stand the thought of being lonely, but it’s okay for me to be penned in when i’m not being made use of. Am I supposed to be thankful that being manipulated by people gets me the minimum required human interaction a person can get? I go to such great lengths to make my self feel important, to make myself feel some semblance of getting attention that I don’t even believe the things I do. Chelsea said that i’m a wannabe model. Popular girls will be popular whether I help them or not, whether I bad-mouth them or not. I wouldn’t know how caring they are, they never actually did anything for me specifically, it’s just that people tell me how kind they are. I’m not going to reward you just because you were polite to me — I certainly don’t get anything for being polite to you. So what if I judge you? Are you going to lose all your votes for prom queen? Are people going to flame you on your timeline? I’m just one person, and you made it very clear how insignificant I am compared to your posse. Clearly what I spread around about you isn’t going to affect your reputation. Don’t make me pity you for receiving a tiny bit of bad press on top of all the attention and publicity you get.
So apparently aethereality.net has closed down! So has blinding-light.com! My favourite is in-genesis.com, and it’s still running. I visited day dream graphics after so long. I used to submit my work to day dream graphics in hope that they’ll publish it. Of course, back then no one considered what I did as art. In fact, even now people still don’t recognize it, thinking of it as less than doodling. Anyway, everyone’s asking each other how many days off they get from their respective jobs, and whether or not they get a long weekend. I don’t mind people asking me how much I make, to which the answer is none. I don’t mind people asking me about still living with my parents. In fact, i kind of like to hear about their jobs. What I do mind is their opinion about my unemployment. It’s so much more complicated than something I can just explain to someone I just met. My life is complicated. I can’t make it more palatable for you. I don’t understand, they seem to think that they can read me and my circumstances instantly, but that’s not the truth, cause there’s so much more to it. I guess I let myself fall into the category of conversation based on the occassional dye-job compliment. After which is followed by a lull.
So yesterday night, I unexpectedly met Adrian Lee. He said hey, and I was so surprised. I still can’t believe he actually spoke first. Okay, it’s not like he referred to me by name, but he actually came up to me. I was so unglam that night and so not ready to run into anyone, let alone someone older than me. I was stuttering like an idiot and was really awkward and it quickly became uncomfortable, at which point I, as always, walked off. Hurriedly. I couldn’t even remember the last time he spoke to me. There should be more humble and gracious people in the world — seniors would never say hi first to a junior. And more to the point, he was probably the only guy among those seniors who didn’t bully me. Sigh, eighty eight and nine liners. I really felt like it was the first time I was talking to him ever. I was so embarrassed afterwards, but i’m never seeing him again, so there’re no consequences. Or the need to redeem myself, i think.
Olivia told me that I should be more confident, and it really hurts that it’s not the first time I heard that from someone, but ask any of my sisters and they’ll tell you i’m way too confident. To me, it isn’t that hard to see if someone is hurting, cause most of the time if you just guess you’ll strike gold anyway. Some people are really confident, and some people deceive themselves to be. A lot of people have a lot of insecurities to cover up. I don’t know what it’s going to take. I don’t know how much more miserable I have to be, how much worse my life has to be before my mom and sisters are finally satisfied. It’s just not fair. It’s always assumed that I’m so deliriously happy with my life, and they get to assume that because I didn’t say anything, didn’t tell them what happened. On the other hand, I can’t say anything about what I don’t like because it’s called complaining, and they say all I do is complain but never do anything about it. Anyone only ever asks me what i’m doing when they want to make use of me, because all my time is theirs to take freely. Even if I end up having to be in two places at once, it’s never as bad as what they have to go through. I guess I really have to explain that taking an interest in my life is something that you do because you sincerely are curious, not because you want me to do something for you that day. Don’t even ask if i’m free because i’m always available for you. I already told my mom and sisters about that girl who manipulates me into doing things for her by asking questions about my schedule that she already knows the answer to. Honestly, I think they aspire to be her. That girl was so good at it, I ended up doing multiple favours that takes up at least the whole afternoon at each time, and she delegated work so fast I couldn’t even call out to her to say wait a minute. Here’s another priceless point of lull in the conversation. People ask me where my girlfriend is. Like that’s the only thing in the world to talk about. And then we end up just looking at each other. Well, actually my eyes look away but we’re still facing each other. And it feels really uncomfortable. Am I of no value if I have no girlfriend? If you had referred to the previous paragraph you would know that I don’t have a job, so common sense dictates that I need to get my life together first. They seriously think that it means I don’t deserve to be loved or something. Like you’ve never been single? Don’t make me vomit on you.
I’m still having a lot of trouble with fonts — finding ones that I like, finding out if they’re available for free, making them appear clearly on images while working with them, adjusting the spacing. Anywyay, I got a pingback on post 150 dated 31 March 2012. It was about IPL. I feel sad that Ringer was cancelled. It was something that was my taste. The fact that it was cancelled made it seem like more and more things in the world that reflect my interests and culture sensibilities are being taken away from me, leaving me with less and less a representation of what niche I can fit into. Not that anyone should aim for that though.
But based on my previous posts, the obvious reason why i’m feeling more and more miserable is because it’s the end of the year, and I feel jealous that everyone else has so much to celebrate while i’m still exactly as clueless as I was before. I thought reading that Kevin Leman book changed me. It’s like the holiday season just reversed everything and then made me feel so much worse.
Why is everyone constantly testing how useful I am? I’m not here for you to evaluate! I so hate it! Everyone keeps telling me what my problem is, instead of waiting for me to tell them what’s wrong, not that they bothered to ask. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to point out that my problems are just that and no one should ever have to endure taking an interest in them, let alone be involved in them. Even though when you need something everyone else is expected to give their everything and support you to the fullest.
Well, the country had a really great 3 day weekend; for school kids it was 4 days; and everyone was so looking forward to it and was gonna have so much fun. I on the other hand was really upset because my dad was around more than anyone else and that just ruined everything. My mom was asking when he’s going back to work cause my dad and I were fighting so much. And how do I know when to use ‘my dad and I’ instead of ‘me and my dad’ ? I don’t know if i’ll ever learn or understand english grammar. I feel really sad that I didn’t get to go shopping or at least experience the ambience of a shopping mall. I so wanted to go to Solaris Dutamas, or maybe even Paradigm. I had so many plans and places that I wanted to eat. But not enough faith in myself to follow through with it. I feel so bitter that people even had weddings and everyone went to their hometown and was so happy. I feel so lonely. As i’m typing this it just makes me feel even worse knowing that each sentence I type is that much more that no one is ever going to read. While everyone goes to their loved ones and celebrates their accomplishments this year, who do I really have to go to? I mean, my sisters have accomplished many things, both in their professional and romantic life, and they’re fine without having to share it with me. I try to blame it on being bashed by others, but the truth is even if they didn’t bash me they wouldn’t have anything good to say about me either. Now, the amazing 4 day weekend that school kids all over the country were staying up and sleeping in during is over. It’s over, I missed my chance to have fun, and so begins another dreary week. No amount of pop or dance is ever going to alleviate the pain or fill the emptiness, and it’s not because the neighbours have suffered more than enough loud music.
My mom was working on thursday and saturday, and the rest of the time I was just waiting for my sister to come back from her Kelantan trip under the delusion that anything can only get done if she’s around to lead us through it. I guess i’ve assumed a role whereby living vicariously through the everyday victories that i help others to achieve inevitably leads me incapacitated to decide what I want to do let alone do it. I’ve always just tagged along. As much as I and everyone else think it’s about attention and appreciation; it really is truly about direction. Everything i’ve done in my life was just filling time trying to get as much of a reprieve as I can before i’m told to do something. Just intervals between my dad being around, or intervals between one disastrous fight and another. I’ve never really experienced true meaning or even life. Even when i’m with my sisters or my friends i’m just tagging along adding in to whatever the conversation is. I’ve really never accomplished anything. And without that to give me substance as an individual, i have no value to anyone, which leaves me here. Alone as always. Do I want to be needed? Will I ever find fulfillment in my life? Will I ever be competent as a human being? Were the flaws pointed out to me by everyone not necessarily the things that kept me from discovering my strengths?
I’m glad that my sister’s back from melbourne+auckland. She even let me use her car, which I was really worried about because she had stuff in it that she might need to use. Like her CDs that she might need to listen to. Plus, whoever has to use my car is really unlucky to not be able to enjoy super cold air con, corner sensor, and CD player. For those of you who follow me on twitter (other than my youngest sister) you would know how I feel about corner sensors as a basic human right. They just are!
Anyway, I won’t bother posting pictures of my hallowed messianic sister’s transcendental return since my blog has no readers, plus people can refer to my youngest sister’s instagram, or facebook if anyone still uses that anymore. Speaking of facebook, I hope it dies out completely, and soon. Cyberstalkers by definition are people who can find any digital means necessary to gather information about a person, not just relying on facebook, so really, it shouldn’t be a problem for any party involved. I was disappointed that I didn’t get to go out with my older sister like I used to when I was 16 to 18. I really like experiencing the wonderful environment of a shopping mall under her leadership through the crowds. I really wish I could join the family to eat at somewhere unreasonably extravagant like delicious by miss read, even though I probably really don’t like the food or even the company. It’s always nice to tag along and not have to play any role. Then I just order a starter or just a dessert and everyone feigns concern for me, each time less convincing than the previous. What I really want is to eat at wip or alexis or marmalade. Or at least decanter. What I want more than that is for someone to take the time to talk to me about why I allow my compulsion to overspend at a restaurant that I don’t even order a main to cover up my real intentions of seeking attention from people whom I thought care about me the most in this world. I do realise that it’s wrong for me to keep hoping someone would come to my side and gently ask me out of genuine concern why I won’t order or eat as much as everyone else, whether the missing course of my meal represent what’s missing in my life. In the end it’s something you need as a human being. Anyone who notices anything about my life would realize i’m so obsessed with food because eating too many sweet desserts that taste good helps temporarily take me away from the bitter loneliness that I feel due to lack of friends, or just a person to talk to. Without conversation to distract me, i’m left without company, alone only facing walls that reverberate a deafening silence of truths about myself that I don’t want to confront yet still burns right through me.
Dr Phil has all the means to help, but impactful questions are just that — they can bring many different kinds of impact, even the bad kind.
I don’t understand why the harsh criticism towards Dina. She was a struggling single mom who had to fight so hard to free herself from an abusive relationship. Lindsay’s current lifestyle may not be something she deserves, but she did work once upon a time, and she was compensated for said work — if she was somehow able to sustain herself and her family up until now, it must mean she’s been earning from doing something. Given the environemtn that she’s in whether it’s LA or New York I don’t really expect anything less. They all obviously need help. Maybe they could try moving to a small suburb where living is cheaper, and Lindsay could work nearby her house so that she doesn’t need to drive. Then she can make new friends and do things that don’t involve drinking or excessive shopping. Lindsay and Dina are just two women struggling to make ends meet, and they’re unsure how just like a lot of other people. Honestly, nothing lasts forever. She was successful once, and bad decisions lead her into a downward spiral. The economy is trying to make a comeback too, but it’s a steep climb. Bad things happen, and making a comeback is difficult. Times are tough. Look at the environment and climate.
I miss the old beautiful Lindsay whose talent shone, but I think now what we should all look forward to is a recovered, safe, and healthy Lindsay who has peace and privacy that she was deprived of her whole life.
I wish everyone in my family would eventually somehow find their individual inner peace and happiness, but the future seems bleak.
What about green? I think it’s the new black, everyone is doing it — AOA, Skarf, Hello Venus. I’m so jealous!! Anyway, happy merdeka to everyone! I think it’s the one holiday over here I can finally find some relief in. Where everyone agrees on it. Right now i’m just at home, wondering where i’d like to go, i had so many things to do on my list, ended up crossing out Loaf, Thai-Thai, Auntie Anne’s, Cinnabon, even Delicious, just out of boredom. I’ve been trying to find my way back to a regular appetite, but nothing seems to do it. I’m either too full or dehydrated. Never quite craving or even eager for a meal. Maybe i’ve just become too picky? Well, I suppose I would want to try Swensens since I haven’t for a long time. And i’ve always wanted to go to Daily Grind. Or Whisk. Oh! I’ve got it! I should go to WIP! Yes, and Marmalade is still a great option too. My, my, so much to do so little time.
Why is everyone in such outrage over the announcement about Hyuna’s october comeback? It’s her job. It’s not like anyone in their right mind would just say, oh I don’t feel like releasing a follow up single, the label had just find some other way to make ends meet. I recognize the quality of music that they produce with her, and although I would have hoped for actual art, i see how their decisions for her career are instead based purely on profit. I love all the girls of 4minute, so when one of them has a solo project i will be happy for her too. Regardless which one of them it is. Regardless, it’s unlikely that the label is going to let her go just because of all the public hatred towards her. In fact, the publicity she garners just encourages the company. I really was looking forward to the yoon subunit but oh well, I don’t mind, and they probably have been working on it anyway.
My parents made a bad decision (as always) by adding two new rooms and a bathroom (when they already have a whole other unused house) and now, commence the arguments with staff and discrepancies between electrical and air conditioning.
Everyone can tell that there’s something bothering me, that I keep looking away, and that before they approach me i seem a lot quieter than I really am, that I always look troubled. My parents on the other hand, feel that I’m way too happy. Especially for their convenience. My sisters went out with my dad today. I went out earlier in the morning. I want to talk to someone who remembers what the last thing we talked about was, who remembers my age, who encourages me to do something when they see that I like it, who asks me where i’m going when they leave me, and doesn’t make me into what they want me to be. I don’t know — I seem to keep asking for pity, but then I turn around and say that I don’t want anyone’s pity. But how can I just depend on myslef? I’m on such thin ice, I feel like i’m waiting for the thing that’s going to collapse me.
The truth is, I couldn’t cope without Paige. That basically encompasses all 165 posts here on this blog. I can’t function, and I don’t want to be around other people with whom I have to start from scratch and explain everything about myself all over. Some people call it dependent personality disorder. I say that they shouldn’t go around diagnosing people when they don’t know what they’re talking about. Everything was so simple in the beginning. I was just this guy who liked to draw, and even had a few short essays that he dreamed could one day constitute a book. I don’t know how everything got so complicated and how it all ended up like this. I don’t know how i’ll ever find my way back.
Mummy asked me which one of the gate remotes are working, and then when I just told her that if the light is on then still can use, she angry. How she expect me to know everything that’s going on at home if I wasn’t even able to live at home everyday anymore?!? She keep asking me all these things as if i’m seriously sitting at home all week doing nothing. If the remote doesn’t work, everyone just asks me instead of realize what they did to it.
I woke up this morning with a really severe headache, and I felt really upset. I thought it was because yesterday Ling Wei suddenly crossed my mind and I felt humiliated by what she said about me. But I think it’s just that time of year. Interested? Read the rest by clicking below.
I have so many thoughts running through my head all the time, but I appear so vacant to everyone. But some people are able to pick up on how i’m preoccupied by something. Too bad it isn’t just one thing.
It’s that time of year again. Soon, i’ll meet so many relatives, and i’ll have to explain to them yet again that i’m here, unemployed, and not overseas like their children. It’s my first Raya without my oldest sister, so I expect i’d be really upset that day. When I woke up this morning I felt my heart beating so fast, it was almost blaring in my ears. I don’t know if it’s that usual thing that happens to me when Raya approaches — I somehow have less appetite and eat in such a reluctant way. I managed to finish my food last night and this morning, but I was surprised by how quickly I felt full. I wasn’t satisfied and wanted to eat more, taste more things, but I was already at my limit, how disappointing. I feel like lately everything bad that could happen did. I haven’t explained here about this girl who told all her friends that I was the one who sent her a hate mail. I don’t even understand why I came under fire for that cause she and I talked a lot, and I thought she knew me. Yesterday I could barely get up, I was in so much pain. I think if i’m not careful I might end up a lot worse, but I feel like taking care of myself at this point is taking so much effort.
So this woman tells me that i might have paranoid personality disorder just because I think everyone talks bad about me. First of all, everyone really does talk bad about me, especially her. Secondly, of course she wouldn’t know what it’s like to be talked about behind your back because she’s popular and she never had to deal with anyone saying anything that ever damaged her reputation. Because it would still stand no matter what they say anyway! What could I possibly say that would make people hate her?! And who would listen to me anyway? She wouldn’t know what it’s like to have personal problems and be preoccupied with the humiliation and embarassment of mere mortal existence that I experience. When are people going to get off their high horses and stop harassing me, and open their eyes to see that i’m miserable enough already so they should be satisfied without having to make things worse for me!
I admit that I have given up before on overcoming my personal problems.
So i’ve been making very painful discoveries about myself, and having to come to terms with your personality is really hard. I need to go back to when I was able to be carefree and honest with everyone, instead of constantly ashamed, and even thinking that everyone is out to humiliate me. Amelia gave me Kevin Leman’s Have a New You by Friday, and it helped me ask more questions about my life and make some progress in defining at least what I want. I’ve never had any trouble knowing what I don’t want, I feel like i’m up to my ears in it every day. Primarily, no more roles. That’s one of the biggest issues that I feel really determined a lot of things for me for a long time. I’m always taken as this part of society, or ethnic profile, and most of what i’ve been doing was; I realise now, an effort to relinquish the roles that seemed to be placed upon me. I feel like I really need to just be alone and just breathe. Have a reprieve. Not define myself by these circumstances. Looking back at all those opportunities that I had to make a difference in myself and truly develop my personality, having to build back myself from so many things slipped away at various points of my life. I don’t feel I can ever get there. Let alone do it overnight. The reason i’ve never met someone who could read me completely, well it’s because they bolted before they went through with the rest of the agony.
That person really really really upset me, and made me feel so much worse about myself than I already did — something that I can’t just erase or repair overnight. It really affected me, and that desperation to retaliate against that person made me go against my own beliefs, and I hated that. Now i’m confused and don’t know who I am. I was never a superficial person and this really puts me back several years — I might as well be in high school agian. My mom and sisters, do they even care? Did they even notice how I wasn’t as happy anymore? Who am I supposed to trust? Why bother telling me not to be so negative if you’re just going to tell me? They thought it was just usual me. Clearly anyone who knows me would know that I need actual help rather than someone just dismissing my feelings as plain insanity. It’s obvious that you don’t want to acknowledge my feelings because you are so focused only on my productivity and what convenience I provide to your life. They know I hate feeling used and they just make it worse. Nothing is ever severe if I go through it alone, but when it’s them everyone has to feel bad and be sorry and help out. When I help people it’s because I have no other choice — my own uncertainty about my self-worth leaves me no feeling of purpose and I can only seek fulfillment by carrying out someone’s instructions. It’s very hurtful to deceive myself into feeling so happy, and when that fades all that’s left is what’s underneath, and I can’t cope with going from one extreme to another. I keep being made to blame myself for thinking about it, or taking it personally. Like you can have feelings that are wrong. I never once went to someone and told them to stop feeling sad or angry. If anything, I would ask them why. When I depended on my mom and my sisters, I ended up watching them go the other way. I can’t just change my loyalties in my life, because there’s literally no one else out there who wants me. I can’t settle for having friends for the sake of having friends. Especially if I don’t like how they treat me. In fact, I feel alone all the time anyway. But I don’t have the chance to be truly alone either. I just don’t know what to do.
I really feel like there’s no one I can trust. When I feel something, you’ll definitely see it, i’m that transparent. It always shows when i’m upset. I get very emotional. I can’t just keep everything inside like everyone else. It’s too hard. I just don’t know what to do. I feel lonely all the time, i feel desperate for someone to talk to. But I don’t want just anyone to talk to, I need a friend who cares about me. I can’t keep tagging along with people who want to benefit what little they can out of me, or just trying to conform to what most people expect of me, it just doesn’t work, and I feel even more unhappy. I look around and everyone else has someone who cares about them, and they don’t throw their dissatisfaction in their face or blame them for everything. They actually appreciate their friends. When is someone going to actually want to know me?
I can’t believe all this time I didn’t know about Carly Rae Jepsen! The song is perfect, and it could be made into a romantic comedy. Speaking of which, i’m waiting for someone to take me to go see The Vow. Apparently The Killers was showing on astro but I missed it everytime. Gosh! I really wish I could have that yogurt from Jco, or the one from Coffee Bean, it’s nice too.
I wish my life could go back to normal, back to when I was using a regular nokia phone. The battery could last for 3 days! I could play snake all day! I don’t understand what is going on with the world today, like if I wanted to use twitter, I’ll just open my laptop. What is so hard? I’ll just press keys on a keyboard if I want to execute a command, or type a text message. And really, there’s nothing fun to do online! You can listen to music like on youtube, but that depends on your connection anyway. And if a smartphone doesn’t have 3G reception in that area or there’s no free wifi around, then it’s completely useless! Like, how many megabytes are you going to just keep using anyway? On my laptop I don’t need to be online and I can just have fun editing photos on photoshop. Last time, I would code my blog offline and only go online to upload the work that I finished. I really miss that. Basic HTML, using only a shoutbox for comments. And people actually used e-mail, and you don’t have to tell them to check their e-mail after you e-mailed them something.
Oh my gosh! 4minute has finally released the new Volume Up video! It looks amazing! They’re so gorgeous! If only they had informed us about the theme of this album earlier so that I would be more prepared. The whole thing seems to be happening so fast. Ironic, considering I was so impatient for it to be released.
A conflicted heart feeds off doubt and confusion. It will make you question your path, your tactics, your motives. When you stare ahead darkness is all you see. Only reason and determination can pull you back from the abyss. The greatest weapon anyone can use against us is our own mind. Always question where your loyalty lies. The people you trust will expect it, your greatest enemies will desire it and those you treasure the most will without fail, abuse it. Truth is a battle of perceptions. People only see what they’re prepared to confront. Its not what you look at that matters, but what you see. And when different perceptions battle against one another, the truth has a way of getting lost; and the monsters find a way of getting out.
But in reality our perception is often clouded; by expectations, by experiences. True loyalty takes years to build and only seconds to destroy. Some say that our lives are defined by the sum of our choices, but it’s not really our choices who distinguish who we are, it’s our commitment to them. Just as there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to every person. One that we reveal to the world and another we keep hidden inside. A duality governed by the balance of light and darkness. Within each of us is the capacity for both good and evil. But those of us who are able to blur the moral dividing line hold the true power.
I’m so excited for Volume Up! The only thing worse than being somewhere you don’t belong is knowing it. People keep telling me that I have to change seemingly out of their alleged concern for me, but they just want to inflict that awareness on me. Everything is always a review of someone’s usefulness. It’s always “She’s getting worse” or “She makes things so hard” instead of “She must be upset” followed by “I wonder what’s bothering her”. The truth is people don’t care about each other. I don’t know if it’s anymore, or if they never did. I live in the comfortable delusion that there’s always someone who will want to help me through anything, but what no one wants to admit is that they like to see me alone, at least rather than with them. In order to learn about true meaning in life, I have to find these lessons from people who look for it in life, but the reality is that i’m surrounded by wannabe-models, who mostly are coincidentally socialites. All I get from people is ‘I’m better than putting up with you’. I’m tired of begging people to come down to my level to speak to me. I need to find someone who actually wants to know about me. I need to find someone who would read my blog. I let myself settle for friends who feign interest in me. I let the world make me think that it was more than enough. If you are around people who want you to hate yourself, you eventually will. Will anyone put down their phone to talk to me?
Wow! She really thinks she’s a boss!?! She must be so immensely popular that she has the nerve to friend request someone that she’s not even close to! Like they will do anything other than just block her?!
I wish I could shower with hot water and then sleep in a very cold air-conditioned and peaceful hotel room by myself. Sounds so relaxing and enticing! Then I want to order room service. Then I wouldn’t even ask to go shopping in the city! Would I even want for anything else, since I could probably sleep for a week?
Anyway, since i’m hungry right now, I really want to eat chocolate pretzel stix from Auntie Anne’s, or chocolate danish from Loaf! Or maybe cinnamon rolls from Cinnabon! How I wish I could have one right now!
I miss that feeling of being rested, hydrated, and clean!
Things I want to do
Purchase and watch
Horrible Bosses Warner Bros. Pictures
Crazy Stupid Love Warner Bros. Pictures
I don’t know how she does it The Weinstein Company
Go to see
I made it to my 150th blog post! I’ve been relistening to Marina and the Diamonds’ Hollywood, realizing that there was a whole lot from that period of my life that just flew by and I can barely remember. I was just thinking about how conversations these days felt more and more monotonous and seemed to lack real substance. I was really upset about the fuss with spm results that day, and then there’s earth hour. And everyone just makes small talk about book vouchers to fill in any dead air. Well, i’m thankful that I don’t have to put up with much idol talk.
- face laser hair removal
- eyebrow threading
- hair treatment
The greatest joy you’ll ever feel in your life is the first time you hold your baby in your arms. My older sister wasn’t just first, but everything began with her. Begins with her. Even now. Everyday. Part of why I could never decide who I want to be is because just being second to her is so comfortable.
There’s been a lot of critisism towards Lindsay of late (http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/backstage/backstage/lindsay-on-fallon/), and it’s really sad. I wanted to post about it, but there’s really so much, it’s like taking a aniston-pitt history class. It’s all such a tragedy. Everyone is either waiting for her to die, or wants her to go back to the way she used to be. Apparently she’s received countless chances and she blew it every time. Even in her THS it states that everything began far before the drinking. There were all those signs even in her early work that things weren’t going well, it’s really no surprise things got this bad. It takes seconds to break something and years to come even close to fixing it. Some things you just can never get back. Sometimes I feel like there’s just no one who will ever care, no one you can ever trust, no one who doesn’t demand something from you. I think that this constant loneliness and need for another is such a weakness in humans. Is it really possible to have it all? There’s still so much misogynistic discussion about kids and career. I wonder if any of it is worth it.
My parents never let me forget how disposable I am. It’s always about your productivity. Even if it wasn’t i’m apparently still easily replaceable. They never let me forget that I have nothing to offer them. How incapable I am even to the point of letting myself down.
Throughout my life, there have been people who said I was shy and there have been people who said that i’m very extroverted. No prizes for guessing which one I heard more. You would think that someone who has so many (again with the shock of how big my family is, people will never get over it) sisters to talk to would have talked himself to death already. How could I still have so much to say, everyday, all day? I have no idea. You would think that someone who has so many people to pay attention to him at home wouldn’t be so desperate to have friends and get attention. Why does azreen constantly need to be heard? Maybe you wouldn’t have to put up with him so much if he already had someone to always be there for him. And that’s what people do — put up with me, not like it, and get pissed. Honestly, when i’m gone it’s such a relief for everyone. But is death my gift, or everyone elses? At least it all ends. Maybe that’s why I think that it solves everything. Every person who has the kindness and generosity to talk to me and make friends with me is immediately labelled as an enabler. I want to live my life and figure out who I am, but unfortunately who i am was something that’s forced on me ever since I can remember. All I am is the problem, and everything I do is just to rebel and has nothing to do with beliefs or helping anyone.
I wish I could find someone who agrees with me.
I’ve been considering tumblr-ing as something that I want to start doing, I don’t know why something that I don’t understand seems to capture my interest. Also, speaking of tumblr, apparently there’s all this judgement among users about usage of bright colours, lack of originality which was actually a result of availability of the reblogging function, and making people feel bad about themselves under the guise of speaking your mind. It all seems really complicated, but fitting with the hypersegregation of contemporary culture clearly evident in age-defined internet use, tumblr caters to a specific target demographic so I can see how the users would want to fit into a niche, defining themselves based largely on what everyone else is currently doing. There’s all this throwing around of terms like mainstream, and originality. These were always big issues in my life, but until today, i’m still trying to figure out what it all means. Everyone has to have some kind of entertatinment-based identity, like taking sides before a war, except maybe there’s one that’s already begun. There’s a whole other world out here. It’s expected that in accordance with media influence, arising subcultures would each have a specific representation in some form of online community or another.
However, with the recent move towards social networking, there’s an arising culture of judging people based on their number of followers or friends, which is a manifestation of public identity many are affected by. Kids are being exposed to a lot because of this. We need to start asking ourselves why we are condemning people and things just because they are different and make us feel uncomfortable.
There’s always that girl, naturally skinny and with flawless complexion, she has a stay at home mom, a maid, is close to her sisters, has study groups with her best girlfriends, elected as head prefect, gets best student award every year, doesn’t need to work during school holidays. Don’t believe me, ask me who she is. People tell me that nobody’s perfect. Okay fine, actually my mom tells me nobody’s perfect. But seriously? Sure, maybe she’s not charitable, or she doesn’t recycle. But her parents are proud of her. My friends have told me really kind things like don’t compare yourself to other people, just do what makes you happy, and do the best you can for yourself. But seriously? In the school I went to, we were taught to compare ourselves in everything to everyone! Being the second oldest, how can I not compare myself to other people? I keep talking about all these bad influences in my life. Growing up in a superficial town, having parents who don’t speak BM and watch tv all the time, of being manipulated by girls who think they’re better than me because they’re popular. I know that if all this didn’t happen to me, I would have become a much better person than what I am today. My defeatist mentality, intolerance for physical activity, everything comes from those. I was ruined before I had the chance to know how to face anything, so please don’t tell me that I need to be more tough or resilient or determined or any of those things that I don’t see you demonstrate cause when something is inconvenient you either make me do stuff for you or you just vent to me! Okay, mostly that’s what my mom does, but I see other people do it too, like to other people if not me.
Everything I learnt, all those rules, I don’t think any of it applies anymore. The way you reach out to people is clearly one of the biggest things that’s changed. Who’s going to read my text messages or pick up my calls when all people are doing right now is whatsapping each other. I think the approach to achieving your goals are different now. As most people say it, the game has changed. You don’t go to work and then when you finish your work come home. You’re constantly receiving updates and you’re available all day, especially those people who work on facebook. It’s so strange to me, how people just get on to what’s happening and then it becomes natural to them.
Humans are social beings, as i’ve been told many times over. As much as I don’t want to believe it. I’ll discuss the irony of how the people who said this to me are the same people who ignored me; later. Also, I should discuss the irony of how those same people when asked why they didn’t invite me to their birthdays or showed up for mine, simply cited my lack of social initiative; when they were the ones who were peddling these reaching-out-teachings. Anyway, apparently, even though i’m stuck alone and am probably better off alone cause i actually care about more than things like reputation and status; we are all supposed to rely on each other for conversation as a boost for our psyche. So facebook made that easier for people, but then they ended up spending their day not only on games, but also enviously reading about people’s extravagant vacations, birthday celebrations, shopping sprees, makeovers, weddings, and job promotions. So that gives the opposite effect, especially for cyberstalkers, a population that facebook seemed to enable and contribute to. Another unfortunate side effect, people forgot how to have eye contact and just say goodday, and then other people feel even more left out.
What’s worse, it isn’t just the superficial town of Subang Jaya anymore. Thanks to everyone being connected online, you can see how perfect and flawless everyone looks not only on their profile pics, but constantly on your news feeed. Like anyone is going to consistently photoshop every single photo of themselves, get real. So obviously, everyone is going to obsess over how they look, leaving me the only one who didn’t get his eyebrows threaded and skin lasered.
Now, intellectual opinions about institutional propagation in culture to our generation and society, among other things, are only discussed with a few vague comments on a wall post, and then abandoned. People don’t think about things anymore. They just tell me i’m reading to much into it. Like I asked in my previous posts, when am I going to meet that vegetarian children’s rights activist who doesn’t watch tv and doesn’t buy from big corporations? The one who will show me how to live life with real meaning and purpose, to everyday fight against popular culture to defend society’s standards and morals. Consumerism and conventions have made people docile and complacent, and without someone with real intellectual and artistic value to lead me, I will just be swept away in the postmodern tide.
I hope everyone understands that I needed to be a little more strict with the comments. I used to have it open, but later I couldn’t cope with the spam so I had to make you all register an account. Sometimes the spam dies down, and I did switch it back to open-letter a few times last year, but sometimes even with the login-option I get spam accounts being registered. I personally preferred open comments, since that’s actually the point of my blog in the beginning. I wanted anyone to have a chance to give their opinion about things, and encourage sharing among people, like equally. Hmm, how hanging.
I got these pictures of Tia Hwang by watching Chocolat’s music video. I made my own screencaps and then picked these two cause I liked them. So please don’t sue me. Okay, for those of you who missed the explanation the first time, now you can learn why I have this constant obsession with having long or dyed hair. Also, I don’t even keep my hair that long, but you people keep yelling at me that it’s so super long and that it needs to chopped off urgently cause it’s cascading down my shoulders.
What an awful start to the year! My twitter was hacked, as well as my e-mail! I had to change my passwords so many times! Instead of being able to start over, i’m still cleaning up after the messes from last year! So behind in spring cleaning, but there’s so much stuff, I just can’t cope! The house is a complete mess! This is so frustrating. My mom couldn’t start my sister’s car, so she asked me to have it jump-started, and after the person came, he told me that it’s the key’s fault! All my mom had to do was use the spare key instead! If i told my sister, she would just tell me that my mom is doing her best, and that I should just be grateful for it. I don’t understand how everyone around me can be so happy, yet still be so unsatisfied that they always want me to shut up.
Why do I have to come from such a superficial town? Forget about everyone having a gym membership so that they can drive to the gym to exercise. Forget about wearing expensive clothes just to step out and buy more beauty products. Absolutely everyone I see has a fresh nail-job, dye-job, hair-removal, and threading! How am I supposed to react? How can you expect me not to be influenced?! Or at least pressured? Why does everyone have to be a model? Why is there an Overtime and a Library in SS15? I can’t achieve anything I have no one to look to for a good example. I need to see someone deal with all this in a graceful and rational way, so that I can learn from it. Don’t tell me I have to be the first person to form a movement against.
I can’t believe it’s already the new year. It’s been really one crazy hectic year, and I went through so much. I wish there were some good moments in all of it. I can’t believe the things I had to put up with. I should’ve had more time to live my own life and be happy, instead of being manipulated by selfish superficial people. I really hope that the next year I can save money, and surround myself with people who will encourage me and bring out the best in me. I really believe that one day I will have friends who influence me in a good way and appreciate what I do, instead of having to settle for people who only use me for rides and step on me. Last night Kevin said that i’m already really nice, which was actually my focus for the year that I decided on last year, so i guess i was quite happy with that. I don’t know, I just wish that I had time to accomplish the things that I wanted to accomplish instead of waste time being upset by what people did to me. It’s so hard to say goodbye to this year.
Okay, so unlike everyone else, my malaysia day weekend was more about complaining about not being able to go watch Bridesmaids or Final Destination 5. So here I am, sitting down watching the new Parenthood. Which is quite good, cause Amber’s style is so amazing! She’s always doing only the most elegant and sophisticated thing that’s happening right now. But she looks like she lost weight. How do these people do it? Anyway, since I kept complaining about not being able to go to the SuaraKami concert, I decided to look on the bright side, that I’ll be able to enjoy it from the comfort of my own home. Rania’s performance was amazing. My sister said they lip-synced. But I don’t think they did! Did they? This week’s fashion police was good. I’m just happy that Beyonce was this week’s Fash-hole. Kelly always picks the right worst dressed.
Please note that the first image is taken from michellebranch.com and the second one i found in a news article. You could also go to kellyclarkson.com for more images like it. My sister came back from JB this weekend, and I hoped that it would be the perfect time for her to explain some things about life to me, since I always have so many questions. I asked her why everyone seems to think that the things they do and say to me is for my ‘own good’ and also I asked her why there doesn’t seem to be anyone who looks forward to the prospect of talking to me or is enthusiastic about hearing what I have to say. She told me she doesn’t know. So i’m sure you can tell that i’m disappointed. There’s no where else for me to find these answers, because there’s no one who knows more. My sister knows everything, and everything about me, so that’s why I keep going back to her, but at the same time i’m stubborn and don’t want to listen. I don’t know why. I think it has to do with my struggle of trying to be myself, in that one minute i’m trying to conform to one group and then I immediately hate that group afterwards. That’s what a lot of kids are looking for, and it’s why they’re always so forlorn and helpless — they don’t know where they really belong. Also, for those who pay attention, the read more section has a little surprise/scare, kind of like one of my previous posts.
Does anyone know why I’m so happy lately? Well, there’s this girl. The usual skinny, athletic, engaging. Everyone thinks she’s pretty. I hate her. And I think everyone forgot her birthday. So that’s why i’m happy!
As part of their revenge for always having their picture taken by me, my sisters decided to show me what it feels like. People were staring a little, but I don’t think it was so bad. I kinda liked that they were using their phones for something other than texting for once.
When I had my car accident I thought my life was over. When I was socially rejected, I chose to leave it be and not fight my way up the social ladder to peddle myself for acceptance. I did what I did and there’s nothing I can change about that. People can only make me feel ashamed if I let them. If I own the choice that I made, I can take away all the power they have to make me feel bad about myself. Public persona is based on what people know about you and what they actually believe about you. If it’s dirt they want then I should feed them all the uncomfortable information they never thought they’d have to deal with.
But I just want to be me, without having a reputation especially if it precedes me.
My mom has bestfriends that she barely talks to anymore. It happens to most parents — with the stresses of work and daily life, who can go catch a movie with their school friends anymore? I don’t think I can survive without having my bestfriends by my side everyday. Especially because whenever I don’t talk to someone for a long time, i’ll feel awkward with them. I’ve always thought about the issue of being alone. I feel that a lot of people are friends and even more with others simply because they’re afraid to be alone, and while I always feel lonely, I only want to be around the right people.
This time of year really makes me reflect on the role that I have in either my family or society. And I don’t want any role, because I want to define myself by my personality. If you ask my siblings, you’d know that I can talk all day, but it’s not with everyone. I don’t like that i’m different with different people. I actually always look to someone else to speak first. Until now i’m still looking for that leader to look to cause I can’t take that role. After a lot of experiences I do however know what I expect in a leader, such as giving a voice to those who need it the most, but I still can’t accomplish those things that I expect of them. Either way, I don’t want to be put on a pedestal and at the same time I want to have some control over my own life. I like people who micromanage, but others say that it’s annoying. I don’t expect much from a person with position, but people always think that presence is a basic requirement for being a leader.
I always wondered how people are able to take charge of their life. One thing that was always told to me was that rather than dwell on things that make me unhappy, I should instead venture into things that will make me happy, leaving what probably can’t be solved anyway for later. But now I think that maybe everything should be taken into your hands and dealt with one by one before you can finally have a reprieve or rather, be happy. I don’t know. One idea is that being happy is doing what you love even when you have to deal with things that you hate, while the other idea is that being happy is simply the absence of misery.
Okay, so saturday night was Amelia’s birthday party at TGIF Pyramid. And then sunday night I went to Pasta Zanmai Empire with my family. The first picture is Chicken Onsen Rice, and the second picture was I think Cedar-Seared Salmon Pasta which I forgot to steal from the person who ordered it. So far we’ve got Vanessa’s present, Keesha’s present, and Kyra’s present. And also my auntie’s present. my mom said we’re giving them their presents during raya. While other people bring the rendang, ketupat, lemang etc.
Everything at Pasta Zanmai is so good, I couldn’t decide what to order. And they served everything within 20 minutes! When we were at Secret Recipe in Parade on wednesday night I already had a feeling it would go bad, but when the waiting time was reached the one-hour mark I already couldn’t handle it even though I already expected something. Anyway, initially I was pushing for Seoul Garden to my sister, and after that Madam Kwan’s to my mom. I still don’t know what I really like to eat. Nothing ever really pleases me that much. Today I went to look for Wario Smooth Moves at Summit, but almost everywhere is already closed or sold out. I didn’t think it would be this hard. I really want to treatment my dry hair today, but we all know there’re far bigger adversities that await me.
There are many issues and causes that, when I was younger, I always hoped that I would eventually be able to help or contribute to in the future. For example, I always thought of the need for an establishment that serves as a centre for support for mothers, but I guess we already have organizations like women’s aid, though i’m not sure if it includes it. Anyway, something else that I won’t have any means to lend myself to anytime soon is the epidemic of peer group rejection, especially chronic peer exclusion. Being a victim of both passive and active aggression in school, you would think that i’d be very passionate about this subject. I honestly now think that this is something that will go on forever, I don’t know why in life I have just become more and more hopeless about it. I hope one day that that more people will bring more awareness to this matter, and that more people will be educated about how severe this can be and the steps that we need to take in order to overcome this.
There are a few dvds that I want to buy. Among them are, The Roommate, Black Swan, Life as We Know it, Burlesque, Something Borrowed, and Red Riding Hood. I feel that it’s so unfair that I missed all of these last time, so I want to watch them all as soon as I can.
You can go to the rtv forum to find images like this one, and this image has a brush set from Kisuki.net. In my previous blog post I talked about social roles, and expectations of society. As most of you have probably realized, I ran away from the pressure of being butch like every other guy because it’s easier for me. Also, I don’t think it’s a fair expectation of me because there are many ways of being active and fit. There’s a strict perception of how every guy must be lifting weights but you can actually do like ice-skating, bowling, archery, and dancing, and these are for everyone. What’s great about ice-skating and dancing is that you can be creative. Not everything has to be a race, you can actually do things where you can appreciate people expressing themselves. This is what worries me about the world — less and less people are finding healthy creative outlets for themselves, and effectively throw away the things that as individuals only they can offer artistically. It’s so clear that society has such rigid rules that we have to abide to, and it’s sad when i see children be stifled not realizing what’s actually happening to them. They have so much potential and are essentially the people who can save us from ourselves with their earnest and fresh perspective on things.
I understand that the goal should be a healthy lifestyle. If you’re always looking to be more skinny you’re always going to have problems cause you’ll never see yourself as skinny enough. If you lost a lot of weight recently, it’s actually not that great compared to if you’re healthy and happy right now. There’s nothing different between when you were visibly fat and visibly thin. Both times you were focusing on how you looked and how your weight affected that. Any real difference that can occur can only take place if you changed to a healthy lifestyle, and then if you do lose weight and look thinner, then that’s just something that happened along the way.
I’m not discussing this because I want to lose weight, but it’s because i’ve been a victim of scrutiny about my body and/or weight. I really don’t care whether i’m fat or skinny. People have been talking bad about me since ever, so whether or not i gain or lose weight isn’t going to change that. Bethenny Frankel and Jennifer Hudson, although are happy and healthy, sadly failed to address this issue. What they do is for themselves, which is to choose a positive, healthy, and productive lifestyle, but instead seem to gloat about how thin they are, which wasn’t and shouldn’t have been the point of all their effort.
Another important thing that I wish to address and not just in this post, is about societies expectations, which could be one of the causes of people’s obsession with exercising solely to lose weight and be thin. I’d also like to point out that a lot of people who are obsessed with diets and exercise for this reason are already thin, but they want to look thin, which is so much more important to them than just being thin. Society has a lot of expectations for people, not just adults, and not to just be thin. I’m not sure about the grammar for any of this so feel free to correct me. Our culture and lifestyle conveniently does not provide the individual with any necessary reinforcement for being able to completely have identification of each persons’ true self and public persona, in order to face the paradoxes of, paradoxically, our culture and society. Everyone seem to have roles that they have to fill, especially when no one says it out loud. And that’s the most damaging part, especially to children. They already think that they have to be something as expected by society, without anyone having said it to them. It’s just implied by social interactions. Ah, wonderful healthy social interactions that take place. In conducive environments like school, work, recreational facilities, and those wonderful social events. So if someone is busy trying to fulfil the role that society expects of them, they’re replacing something much more valuable that they should’ve used their time for — identifying themselves as individuals. Then there’s the added complication of your public persona, which for some people seem to think is, like in an equation, the difference between your expectations and what you actually are. Public persona never adds up perfectly like that. It’s completely random and doesn’t make sense at all.
So sure, there’re rehab centers and treatment facilities people can appropriate. But I don’t think there’re enough support groups for people who don’t actually have medical disorders. Maybe we should have a halfway house for women who just got out of a bad divorce. Things that you go through even though only in a certain period, can have a very life-consuming effect on you.
So I have some very vivid, rather inelegant, visuals for the eager few who wish to satisfy their inquisitive minds and eyes. Questionable, sketchy stuff i know, but that’s why you only click on this link if you really want to.
Okay, today I tried to help my younger sister with her rehab-ing her elbow, but I didn’t do a good job. As it turns out, Miranda Cosgrove also had an orthopaedic emergency when her tour bus was in an accident recently. I guess when it happens close to home then I notice it more in the world.
The only thing that i’m really able to do properly is shopping. And even then i’m not that great at it either. I’m not good at anything else, i can’t believe how pathetic i am. I think that I can go shopping even though i’m tired or hungry or don’t have enough sleep. I really like the ambiance in a mall, and it makes me believe myself to be normal. I try not to spend so much money, but when I don’t go shopping for too long I just feel very sad. The past year, i’ve spent money primarily on food. I didn’t want to buy outfits for myself like I used to anymore. Although even if I did, I wouldn’t have any occasion to wear them since I don’t go out much anymore. This is not the kind of personality I expected of myself. I always wanted to be better, to be someone who isn’t superficial and materialistic. However, you must understand that I didn’t have many opportunities to develop a lot of skills or talents. My dad wasn’t particularly supportive of me learning piano, and there conveniently isn’t a book club for me to cultivate my interest in reading or like literary stuff. No one likes my drawings, in fact, quite the contrary, so I was always ashamed of my drawing habit. I still do it, but I don’t like that I still do.
I don’t like being treated as a commodity, because even if I were to be, I would have nothing to offer. I always refrain from engaging with people because i’m too proud to hear what my mistakes are. That’s why when I run into people that I haven’t met for a long time, my eyes can’t really stay put and I tend to flinch, while haphazardly changing the subject. I don’t like that they can see that I clearly haven’t changed. I don’t like confronting how I can be so set in my ways. I don’t think I had the chance to even have my own ways because my life always seemed so errant with so many sudden and strange conflicts. Like with that girl at school who wanted to manipulate me and when I retaliated wanted to ostracize me. Which she accomplished very well. And hence I stopped being used to talking to people and my social skills declined steadily. Please be aware that for me to have social anxiety disorder is very unlikely because people suffering from this experience very severe symptoms and it has an impact on their daily life in that they are unable to perform their duties or activities to a normal or complete extent. That’s why I don’t have it, because I simply am lazy to fulfill any responsibilities and refuse to mingle with anyone who isn’t completely sincere (aren’t many of them this kind of town). Read More
When I think about last time I feel like crying, I can’t decide between the many low moments of high school. I was miserable in high school, but a there were a few times in lower secondary I was happy. In form 2, I was able to cope. Somehow. I have no idea what happened. I somehow was just not confident anymore. People just came up to me and asked me why I didn’t keep it up anymore. Why I lost it. There were so many big parts of my life that I felt I lost. Ultimately, I can never feel that young again. I’m always tired everyday now. When I look back at Charmed and Buffy, I really wonder if there was anything real or meaningful in my life then. Maybe it was my ignorance that made me so blissfully unaware. I think that happiness is just a perfect storm of luck. A constellation of coincidences that fall in your favour. Now, everywhere I turn there’s a mishap. There’s more of my unpreparedness that I have to make up for. I’m skating on such thin ice everyday. There’s always something that doesn’t even have to give that big of a nudge to tip the scale, and then my whole week takes a bad turn. I always said I liked peaceful and boring. I thought that maybe when i’m older and my life inevitably gets more complicated, I would learn something and somehow improve from it. But everyday it’s just one overwhelming thing after another and I don’t know how I can survive. Ironically enough, it’s the same old issues since I was young. I guess I just didn’t really have to confront it then.
The real reason that you want me to have facebook account is simply because you want it to be easier to keep in touch with me. I’m supposed to be so flattered that you want it to be as easy as possible to contact me. In fact, it amazes me how you want to do as little as you can for another person. This is exactly what i’ve been trying to tell you and everyone else — this it’s what’s wrong with the world! My blog has been around for ages, but no, it has to be facebook. I don’t ask for much. If you think about me, simply pick up the phone and call me. For goodness sake i’m not asking you to come visit my house. I don’t care, don’t remember my birthday. Forget my birthday, I really don’t mind. It’s better than a wallpost, which I really don’t want. I’m not going to thank anyone for a wallpost! If that’s the only time you want to remember me, then don’t bother, please. I understand people are busy. I only call them pretentious when they manipulate me in their quest for attention. If they ignore me I have nothing to say about them. Even better for me, actually.
For the millionth time i’m going to blog about how sad, lonely, and disappointed i am. I don’t want to keep having to peddle myself so hard. I shouldn’t have to convince someone how upset I am, because i’m not like a sales rep or something. It’s always a sales meeting or something. Unless I really hustle and sell it, no one, not even my mom is going to take a second glance at the idea. It’s just not worth anyone’s time. No one would want to even invest any perspective on it. Innocent children, their future development, and their need for encouragement at difficult times in their school life. Not a worthy enough cause. Especially if it doesn’t involve anything exciting like travelling or some kind of gala. Or someone famous backing it up. I feel like i’m always being instructed how to feel and react towards things, and that i’m not allowed to be upset unless it’s as serious as everyone else. Or unless it’s about someone else.
I’ve made it very clear that i’d rather die alone than be someone else’s posse. Both are actually equally miserable, but I don’t think anyone would understand why it’s come to this extent. I don’t know if anyone would even want to understand. No one wants to hear me. The reason i’ve always been afraid of confrontations is actually because i know exactly how bad it’ll turn out. I always know that my sisters and mom won’t believe me. Everything that I said hurts me is actually in my head, and that way no one should have to hear about it because it’s not real. I just make up feelings to make myself miserable. Because i’m so desperate for attention. Because I want to be those attention-seekers. That’s why I jump on every opportunity for socialites to manipulate me because at least they talk to me, and I feel important. Their approval of me means everything to me. I shouldn’t waste my time looking for friends who actually want me to be happy. Knowing lots of people is being happy. Not caring about someone because they care about you. Just reputation and status. That’s always so much more important than how anyone feels. There’s always something to be prioritized than how someone feels about something. Like arbitrary milestones in life, and dating. No one should ever have to go through the trouble of sticking around to see if i’m okay. Even if they’re related to me. They should just follow where the party goes. If i’m alone, that’s because i’m stupid, not because I see something more important than being seen at the scene.
I don’t want to be valued by how much I earn, who I know, what I can do for you. Why can’t I just be a person? Why do I have to be worth something to anyone? Why can’t you just want to know what i’m thinking about? Even just for the hell of it? I have no one to look to for guidance. I can’t do it all by myself. No one will believe me. There’s no one left to try to convince i’m not insane. For wanting what’s really important in life. It’s always just shut up, and carry on with the same disappointment. The problem goes away cause there was nothing worth talking about anyway. But everyday it’s still on my shoulders, I still look away from every conversation, it’s still there.
Ashley Benson was on Jimmy Kimmel last night, and she looked gorgeous as always. She talked about being a Lakers fan, and about how she’s dating JB’s swag-coach. Brendan Robinson says that Ashley’s really funny and is the official prankster on set. She’s just a beautiful charismatic girl who loves to have fun. She’s just amazing!
I was disappointed though, cause I was hoping that there would be spoilers about the show.
Tyler Blackburn is also really great. He was very wholehearted about abcfamily’s Delete Digital Drama — he asked friends and fans to pick up the issue of seventeen read the article and tweet a what they’ll do to stop cyber bullying. Emily Osment was so gorgeous in Cyberbully, and she sounded amazing in her live performance at the rally.
This blog entry turned out to be all about abcfamily omg.