Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 5:01 am


Everything that I was supposed to have watched but missed out on instead

  • Frozen
  • Identity Thief
  • Beautiful Creatures
  • Something Borrowed
  • I Don’t Know How She Does It
  • Spring Breakers
  • Admission
  • That Awkward Moment
  • The Big Wedding
  • The English Teacher
  • The Way Way Back
  • The Heat
  • Much Ado About Nothing
  • Grown Ups 2
  • Girl Most Likely

Friday, 28 March 2014

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:35 pm


It’s Friday and i’m just here. Existing. Dreading what’s to come. I guess I should prepare myself for the worst birthday of my life. I miss those days when I knew what was going on in the world. When I was hydrated and rested. When good things could still happen to me.

Last year, I sat down to dinner with a girl who bought me donuts, a girl who showed up even though she was exhausted and still had to pick up her parents from the airport, a guy who stood apart from people who judged me, and a girl whom I put all my trust into. They put a candle into one of the doughnuts and took photos for me, and everything seemed almost perfect. But that was only because I didn’t know the truth. They were not my real friends. They have not spoken to me for months. It’s like they’ve completely forgotten about me. I thought everything was fine. I allowed myself to believe in false reassurance. Now I know the truth, and now I know how bad that really was. I see now that the conversation we had that time was out of obligation. We didn’t actually have anything to talk about. Now that I know the truth, I realise that the conversation was more awkward than it seemed back then. The whole thing was contrived. It was a completely artificial situation and no one was sincere. It was all false. They were doing a charity for me. But that one day was the extent of what seemed to be a friendship.

Then why do I miss them? Why do I miss that? Not knowing the truth? Just because ignorance is bliss? I can never sit down to a conversation and speak the same again. I will always have a guilt in my heart, knowing that I don’t deserve anything anymore. I can never sit down to watch pretty little liars the same way again. Not with that nagging feeling, that knowing, that I am in deep debt. Because of what i’ve done. And there doesn’t seem to be a way that I can make up for anything or erase what happened.

I can’t be with the rest of humanity anymore. No one will ever look at me the same. All I can do is watch while the rest of the world moves on with their lives. I thought that after more than two decades of living, I would have found somewhere or some way where people could feel welcome, where people could feel like they’re appreciated, like they don’t owe anything to anyone, with nothing to constantly apologize for, people could feel like they’re a part of something. I don’t know if anything could ever make things right again. The car accidents were bad enough. Turning around and discovering that I had no friends beside me was bad enough. There’s so much that I pushed to the back of my mind. I just kept running, but everything’s going to catch up to me, and soon. I don’t know what I’d do then. I feel like everyone’s waiting to see the disaster that’s going to happen. I don’t want to go to prison.

Everyone has their value. Everyone has something to offer. Was I looking to be used? Was it because of my misguided need to seek approval? Do I sabotage myself? Letting people use me was one thing. If I was going to do that then I shouldn’t have complained about those people later. I think what it really indicates is how lost I was, and how desperate I was for human interaction. And there were people who flat-out manipulated me without me even knowing what’s going on, without me being able to say no at all. There were many people who just trapped me, whether or not I let them. You could say I was a victim of my own bad judgement, but that was only true half of the time. I was also victim of some pretty horrible people. Who, of course knew exactly how to look sweet and sociable to the rest of the world.

Am I aware of the patterns I fall into? Do I allow certain things to block me from making a change? I thought I knew. Some people think I do everything on purpose, and that’s really unfair of them to say. I think right now, more than ever, not only have I seen myself being condemned by people who don’t know the whole truth, but i’m also seeing it happen to other people. If you’re going to tell someone “Okay, you know what your problem is” the least you can do is find out the truth about them first. And what’s worse is that i’ve seen people just eat it up and relive everything that person said about them, and think that it came from such insight.

Friday, 21 March 2014

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 1:12 pm


I feel like I just live for people’s amusement, so they can look at my life and laugh at me. Look at what I went through and shake their heads at me. So they can know what I am and feel better about themselves. Maybe I was never alone. Everyone was always around, always there to judge. Everyone has so much to say, everyone has their opinions and has so much time to share. Everyone likes to put in all this effort when it comes their turn to chide me for what i’ve made with my life. And that has always been the extent of their involvement.

I have never seen any evidence disproving that people find it fun to look at my situation and tell me how bad they think it is. I can’t even expect pity anymore. Just amusement. They do! They like finding out what’s going on with me so they can laugh about how pathetic I am. No one’s given me any reason to believe otherwise. Suffice to say people who have gone on to better things and had great things happen to them have forgotten about me.

Didn’t you promise me that you wanted to be friends with me no matter what? Didn’t you say to me that as my family you’d do anything for me? Do you even want to know what i’m going through? Did the thought of me even cross your mind? Or how i’d feel?

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:53 am


Okay it’s been a really tumultuous past few years. I’m not just talking about the car accidents, all the fall outs that I had with almost everyone i ever had in my life, and everything that was going on in the world that I missed. Seeing all the interactions between people I trusted with people i hated really shocked me. Talking to someone that you told me was going to be gone and out of our lives forever is one thing. Being super BFFs with them is another. And I, only being able to watch, completely helpless, unable to stop it, without anyone listening to me, that’s the worst part. I’m forced to watch this go on and on. She totally knew that I had no choice but to trust her with everything. And she still went behind my back and did that as if it was so direly necessary. A person comes around, ruins your life, leaves, and then allows you to think that it’s gonna be over, but actually they’re still making you miserable from thousands of miles away. At first, you think, oh I guess they just talk from time to time. And then, they just contact each other more often, in more ways, and become so much closer? And then I start to think that if the person I thought I trusted is so willing to be such close friends with my nemesis, then what does that say about my choices and who I put my trust in? Spending national day and malaysia day wallowing in my tears, christmas and new years alone at home; all of it made clear how prepared I am to spend the rest of my life alone. I may not be a wailing mess right now, but I still feel exactly the same I did that day. Even if it didn’t get better, I was far from prepared for it to get worse. N calls it Murphy’s Law. Rolls eyes. I can’t believe information about where I was got leaked to people who had absolutely no business knowing. They had nothing to do with any of this. Because I know how this looks to someone who doesn’t really have anything to do with it, I know that them knowing is only going to make them worry unnecessarily. I kept the details of my car accident only in my immediate family for that very reason. My whereabouts no longer being secret doesn’t mean anyone is going to come looking for me, cause let’s face it, when I was within convenient range for everyone it’s not like they wanted to take an interest anyway. I feel like i’ve lost so much already. The last thing I need was for me to lose all my secrets too. I’m like trying to hold on to something, looking for something that I could even grasp. But I have nothing left. My nemesis won. Game over. Well it wasn’t a game for me, this was my life! And she had to play god and decide on a whim that she wants to ruin it.

If you read my blog, then you would have gone through this, this, and this link. If you’ve never been through to any of those URLs then clearly you don’t even know my name or who i am. Which means that the only reason you’re reading this blog is if someone opened it on your computer and then left it there. Or someone forced you to read it. There are ways of keeping updated about me. If you read my blog, you would know that Orange Is The New Black is my only exception to violence on tv. Save for Buffy and Angel. If you wanted to know how I am or what’s going on with me, you would have read on twitter that I am so hanging on to every minute of Lindsay on OWN TV. If you want me to make everything convenient and easy for you, then clearly you wouldn’t have ever read any of this in the first place, and I probably would never speak to you.

Monday, 3 March 2014

Posted by azreen | Posted in Wish List | Posted at 12:10 am


My wishlist

  • for that dreaded event next week to never come
  • my debts paid
  • for my secrets taken back unleaked
  • for someone to read my blog
  • for someone to read my tweets
  • for someone to pick up their phone and call me
  • for someone to want to see with their eyes what it is i go through
  • for my revenge on those who took from me and humiliated me
  • for someone to save me from these horrible circumstances so I can finally watch all those movies I missed out on
  • IPL hair removal
  • actually I just want everything to end, so I can finally rest

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:10 am


Okay so 2014 happened. It’s the new year. Whether I like it or not. No matter how much it upsets me. Should I thank everyone who tweeted me on new years eve? Shall I give a heartfelt thanks to everyone who commented on my posts and wished me happy new year?

I know all of this seems really contradicting. I don’t know what to do. I never wanted to be around people for the sake of being around people. I didn’t want to be the one who only says hi when it’s new years eve or raya, or when I need something. But the real problem, ever since I could remember, was that I never had anyone on my side to begin with. Sure, beggars can’t be choosers. I never said I was good at begging.

If I was so happy with everything that turned out in my life, if I was so successful, I think people would have known about it. I think I would have made it known. Well. The school counselor had me taken away in the middle of class to have an on-the-spot follow-up. The whole world could see that something was clearly wrong. I was dealing with something, it was obvious. When I was 15 and I stopped piano lessons, I was never really the same. I thought I was carrying on better with more free time, but quitting piano was just an indication that something has been going on with me for a while. My life was slowly unraveling. And after all the bullying, followed by the car accident three years later, I couldn’t face people in the same way again.

Should i have made plans instead of be alone these past weeks? Sure. Did everyone celebrate without me cause they weren’t even aware I existed? Yea, I didn’t tell them. Do I realize that I should appreciate the privacy that I have cause otherwise people would just be sticking their nose in my business to find a subject to talk about and mock? Yea definitely. Then how come I feel like this? The world basically abandoned me. How am I expected to feel about that?

Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 6:04 pm


No, i’m not happy – far from it. Yes, i do have things to be thankful for such as my life, my health, a roof over my head, the meal I had today. I’m desperately reaching out to my cousins, the only people who whatsapped me back saying happy new year. But i’m being 100% honest when I say that this beyond the worst new year’s eve ever. Tonight at midnight i’m going to be alone at home, in bed, staring at the ceiling. No gathering, no friends, no photos of which to post. I have nothing. I had to watch everyone else be with the people they care about and talk about the plans that they’ve made to celebrate everything they’ve achieved this year. Instagram is gonna be full of everyone’s new year’s eve photos. I’m having dinner by myself at home. No countdown, and I don’t even know what other people are doing to celebrate. I don’t even know what’s going on in the world, cause I have no one to hear about it from. No twitter replies, and look at my blogposts. Half of the comments are by me. If it wasn’t for my younger sister I wouldn’t have any at all. Sure, I have my family. But guess what? They’re not even by my side! I’m completely alone today and tomorrow.

Everything that happened this year, the loss, the pain, the frustration, the disaster, I don’t know what i’m supposed to have left or how to go on. I lost so much, it’s been so hard. I hated this year. And after all this struggle I still couldn’t make anything better. I’m in exactly the same state I was in that day on 29 August. How can I go onto 2014 if i’m still not done trying to fix everything that happened to me in 2013? I can’t move forward like everyone else after everything that’s happened.

Everyone else has so much to be excited for. So much to look forward to. So much to be happy about. And it’s all being wrapped nicely for them. Everyone else has new lives, new beginnings to wake up to tomorrow. 2013 came and just ate away at my self-confidence, leaving me to feel completely lost and alone. And now it’s just going to end and leave me. With nothing.

Sunday, 29 December 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 8:54 pm


Well just because i’m better off alone doesn’t mean I like it. I wish I was like all those populars cause they’re so cheerful and fun to hang out with, that people couldn’t leave them alone if they tried. I wish I could have that kind of personality so that I could be accepted. I was never able to copy the correct behaviour that society expected of me. I want to end this struggle that I have had my whole life. I could never pretend well enough to be normal. I always be myself instead. The populars always have something funny to say, they’re always making fun plans. Together. Those are the girls who always had people around them and was constantly in conversation. To be in constant adoration. I’ll never know what it’s like to be those people.


At least being alone lets me hear my own thoughts. At least I have some space to exist. Since I don’t know how else to be other than myself, I need that privacy to not be pressured into doing something that i don’t want to. Or be told how to think and what to feel. I suppose I should take advantage of this. And just breathe.


Just because I get to be with my family and take lots of photos and eat lots of food and see places, doesn’t mean i’m going to enjoy stressful arrangements packing and long plane rides. Just because I opt out in order to avoid the stressful packing and travel itineraries doesn’t mean i’m happy to forego the trip either. In my life, everything’s always been damned if you do, damned if you don’t. And then people will tell me, since you’re still damned, then might as well do it! And then i’m just left to exhale sharply in exasperation. No one believes me, but my hands are tied! This isn’t a choice that I get to make, i’m just a slave to circumstance. Everything that happened in my life forced me to make decisions that i’m never necessarily happy with. I mean have none of you ever been in debt before? So here I am.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 9:34 am


I feel that I am badly in need of people. But everyone seems to leave. Maybe I need legal council with me at all times. That might even make up for my indifference to what people say to me or what’s happening around me.

This year was the first youtube music awards. This year my coutnry had a general election. It was also the year that Nelson Mandela, Paul Walker, and Cory Monteith passed away.

There’s nothing about my life that I would want to celebrate. I’m certainly not going to celebrate my birthday next year. After everything that i’ve been through this past year, all I ended up with is disappointment. Not that it didn’t happen before. Which is why i’m starting to think that maybe that’s all i’ll ever have in my life.

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 3:44 pm


I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost so much already. The past few months have been really hard. I feel like everyone is leaving me. I don’t have many people in my life. I usually spend my weekends at home. I’m just in a really bad place, and I don’t know how much more I can take.


I don’t think there’s any use talking about it anymore. I think it’s way past that now. I don’t think I can get myself out from under this. It clearly was never something i could handle all by myself. I don’t know if anyone would ever save me. Is my only hope now a miracle to fall into my lap?

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 1:32 pm


My 2013 in review. Easy. It’s without a doubt the worst year in my whole life. Ever. Totally sucks. And i’m hating every second of it right now. I went from taking photos and having lunch with friends to no one speaking to me. Forget about shows that I liked getting cancelled. I have no reason to watch any other shows anymore. Do i even have a reason to do anything else anymore? Worst part is that everything bad that happened in this year is going to constantly follow me for every subsequent year in my whole life. This year was just so bad that it put me under all this tragedy that i’ll never be able to get out from. I hate being me. All i can do now is watch people sitting at their tables with their loved ones, enjoying their food and each other’s company, talking about everything they accomplished this year, spending their new year’s eve the way they want to spend the rest of their following year. I’ll just be here, watching in envy as the rest of the world goes by, everyone has a life that they built for themselves. and they get to reap their rewards and share it with the people who care about them.


I know that this is my life and I can change it. Everything that’s happened made me really sad. A lot of the time i’m really numb. But now and again, i’m going to be angry too. Call me a @#$% if you want, i’ve been called everything else. I don’t know how else i’m supposed to react. I don’t know how else i’m supposed to be. I’m a mess, and I doubt that anything’s going to make it better.

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 7:31 pm


It’s amazing what people try to control when they feel like they’re not in control.

How do you think I would feel? Why would you want me to act like i’m fine? The more i pretend i’m happy, the worse i’ll feel. Yes you can say no, it’s your life! Talking about what I don’t need isn’t going to help me. There’s no use complaining about being manipulated if I keep surrounding myself with manipulators. I need to decide what I want to do and go do it, finally get what I need! Then no one’s going to have the chance to use me for anything! If you want to know about my life, talk to me — don’t blame me for not telling you and then complain that you don’t have time to listen to me!

This year i’m not joining the family for another trip to visit, or rather crash in on, Sybilla. And her life. Sure, going there is always fun, but when i’m back – i don’t want to put myself through that again. Forget about the travel expenses, I just can’t afford being sad to leave and missing everyone so much. And wishing so desperately to have everyone else’s life but mine. No one believes this, but I need to spare myself the emotional affliction. You think organizing a trip is a feat, it’s actually trying to endure leaving that’s the real ordeal. That’s what you don’t want. A trip can end up a mess, and people argue, but that’s nothing compared to being left with time spent but people miles away. I wish i could go, but i can’t risk things getting anymore complicated than they already are.

Except for the things you did wrong, you did everything else right. Right? What if your focus splits? What if you can’t be all in? Are you left with nothing at all?
I’m scared, I want to keep on living. When you have those moments where you just want the ground to swallow you up, what if you multiplied that by every hour every minute? I can’t just waste myself hoping that all of this will pass when clearly it’s never going away. I can’t even cry anymore. I feel really scared and angry and frustrated but at the same time I feel like i’m numb to everything. Like I just don’t react anymore.

Thursday, 28 November 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 7:59 pm


I know the state of this blog is disappointing, but things have been really crazy. I had a discussion with Misty about it, and for now I still don’t really have the words to describe everything that happened to me recently. I’m very thankful to the readers who still follow my blog, and i’m sorry if i disappointed anyone, but there’s a lot that had to be sorted out, and as of right now, I still haven’t figured out everything. While I was busy I relied on twitter to make some quick and brief updates about how i am, and those of you who follow me on twitter probably realise what happened between the blog posts.

Azreen, Alina, Aniza

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 6:08 am


Cars pass by, because the people driving them have places to go to, somewhere to be. Living in this world is great when you feel that you’re part of it. I asked god to help ease the anguish. But the truth is there isn’t anything there to begin with because it’s just emptiness. I feel hollow, so no wonder it won’t go away because there’s nothing to take away, no anguish to ease. I’m afraid to go to sleep because I won’t know which one is a nightmare and which one to be more scared of. There are so many kind caring and beautiful people in this world, and when I look at them from afar, I feel like I can never say goodbye enough.

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 4:30 pm


Okay so it’s the last day of July, and i’m really sad as you could probably tell from my recent tweets. Another month gone. I feel like nothing impactful has happened throughout my life, nothing that helped me progress and develop into something or anything more. I can’t have it all, I need something to step to, to steady myself. I know it’s a pretty lame metaphor, but I feel like my life isn’t really going anywhere, because there’re no triggers. Like there’s no catalyst. I know it’s actually supposed to come from me, but how am I supposed to build my whole life from scratch? Like if it’s not chaotic and stressful just because i’m at a downswing trying to get back something i lost or fix something that’s broken like a showerhead, then there’s just stability but nothing great happens either, like my life is just constantly trying to avoid more losses and constantly dreading what’s the next bad thing that’s gonna happen, and because of that I feel like my mind is regressing. I’m becoming stupider. I didn’t even know that was possible. I feel like meeting many different types of people in life instead of inspiring me to achieve more or to expand my horizons, it just made me more scared and closed off from possibilities that i might lose my normal routine.

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 4:53 pm


Okay, so I acknowledge that there are a lot of broken links especially for the images on my blog. So right now i’m just going to post a bunch of other pictures to make up for it! Meanwhile, i’m going to take my time with the broken links. There sure are a lot of them. I really want to go watch Now You See Me, Oz the Great and Powerful, and Identity Thief! In other news, i’ve been unwell for a week. It started on Friday 12 July with this fever and really bad body pain. Then I continued to have body pain for 6 days, and now my body is completely pain-free. But that Friday I was really nauseated, and it was so bad that it made it super hard for me to eat because everything tasted and smelled different and I ended up needing to drink after every bite because I couldn’t stand how bad everything tastes. By Thursday I wasn’t nauseated anymore, but I was still having really low appettite. And right now i’m still so tired. I feel so wiped out like I just can’t go on. This is the worst timing for me to get this sick, although I should have seen it coming since the last time I had this was exactly a year ago, although that time it completely went away after one really horrible weekend of barely being able to get out of bed. My sister says I need to drink more water, so hopefully i’ll feel better after I re-hydrate.

I was really upset that day when I arrived at Sarah’s wedding with dying phone battery and hence was unable to take pictures. Her mom then shocked me by remembering me. I was like wow, I am of consequence to you. Anyway, I had a really bad week not just because I was sick, but also because there’re so many people I miss and wish I could be with. And next week is another killer week. I just feel so tortured when I’m trapped with people I really hate and don’t wanna be around. Sometimes I just feel like I give up on life.


Monday, 8 July 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 9:47 pm


Living without photoshop is really sad. I downloaded Copy, an app that gives you 15GB of free storage. But honestly it’ll never be the same. I miss saving things onto your hard disk space. How am I supposed to let go of photos that I’ve taken, especially when that moment may never come again for me? Will i ever be in that situation with appropriate distance from the subject which was also coincidentally in good lighting? How am I supposed to cope with all this change? I just want to be free, I don’t want to be chained down by technology. I don’t want to have to be burdened by e-mail notifications. I just want to drop off the face of the earth.



Friday, 3 May 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 7:48 pm


I don’t hate what people say because it’s boring or lame. I hate it because i’ve heard it before and it didn’t help the last time.

crutchphrases are a common refuge of speakers who have difficulty articulating ideas or concepts without reflexively using jargon and cliché. -urbandictionary.com

The website actually goes on to describe the use of such phrases as “an open admission of an unwillingness or inability to think, let alone use language effectively”.

I was super horiffied when I read this, because i’m guilty of using a lot of crutch phrases. I’m one of those people who say “yeah” at the end of every other sentence. But a lot of the time, when I get really cliche phrases from people, like “it’s not the cards you’re dealt, but how you play them” and I always feel like saying this helps them more than it helps me. Like seriously? I was never even good at card games, and you expect me to get that? Am I supposed to feel flattered that you gave me such sage advice? Thankful for this pearl of wisdom? It could have helped any other person in probably any other situation! Am I just another puzzle for you on the assembly line? I really don’t understand how someone could possibly say this to me and think that they helped me!! I don’t even mind someone saying “sticks and stones” to me.

Crutchphrases are actually more than fine, as long as you use them at after parties or maybe late night drinks? I especially hate when people tell me to be a “critical thinker” cause if you were able to “criticially think” then you would have used any other way or any other words to tell me how to think.

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 8:09 pm


I really feel like I can’t cope. This is just too hard, i’m shaking right now. I miss my sisters and brother. Two days ago I sat down and watched tv for a while — it was insane! I can’t believe i’ve forgot the feeling. I just need to be allowed the space to feel what i’m feeling. I’m so exhausted, I feel like i’m gonna collapse. I’m so scared to find out what’s going to go wrong next. I just really need a reprieve. I need to just sleep.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 1:23 am


I can never have 440 friends on facebook, nor would any photo of me ever garner as many as 27 likes. Where I come from, everyone is beautiful intelligent and athletic, and I everything that I wanted came from comparing myself to other people all the time, and i only knew how to be in constant envy of other people. But I want to know what it feels like to have that much attention. Obviously people think that i’m really shallow for wanting something like that, but what no one realises is that it’s something that I only deceived myself into wanting, as a result if it being put in front of me so much. A lot of people don’t know this, but I actually wanted a normal life too. It’s just something i’ll never have, that’s all. Ever since that window broke while I was in the passenger’s seat I felt really angry with everything. As my life goes on it gets that much harder for me to cover up how unlucky I am, and just like the cracks on the window, it’s becoming easier for people to see what’s wrong with my life. Appearing fine and perfect as if nothing’s wrong was never the goal for me, I just wanted to survive each day the best I can, but when faced with people I don’t really see the point in me being there at all if all i’m doing is just miming this show where nothing affects me. At least all the popular girls have a chance at a normal life. I stood a zero chance from the very beginning. Why does no one think that what I go through is real? I really have no other choice, everything that I do is because i’m desperate. I don’t have the luxury and privilege of influence. Which is something everyone else takes for granted. I say that because it’s something that they not only could use to help me, but also because doing so would’ve been incredibly easy for them. It’s so ironic who i’m always being told that I should improve this and that about myself, but the ones most capable of making a change in the world would rather enjoy their status and influence for themselves. I really can’t wait for 78violet to release HotHouse!! They’re so amazing, and as a lot of people know, it’s a way for me to hang on to a time when things were so much simpler and there was Phil of the Future and stuff. Similarly, I really liked Mr Mr’s Highway because it sounds so much like Hilary Duff’s With Love. I’m listening to Demi Lovato’s Heart Attack, and wondering if she really wants people bawling their eyes out listening to her songs. And I really felt like her song sounds a lot like Leave Me Alone by The Veronicas.

Friday, 29 March 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 10:35 pm


Well, it’s my 210th post, and it’s just that time of night that I really wish I was asleep because I don’t want to feel or think about everything that happened today, and if i’m not asleep i’ll just feel really lonely. It’s so hard for me to face the social stigma of having a past history of car accident, especially one that was as bad is that was. My whole body hurts and I feel so exhausted and weak. But the moment I lie down I can’t seem to fall asleep. I feel like crying. I’m not used to my own house anymore. And sitting here alone just makes me think about all those painful times where I had to hide behind or underneath furniture in my feeble attempts to avoid the scrutiny. People are much happier now that they don’t need to come upstairs. They seldom do these days. And as fate would have it the only place left for me is here. I’m hungry all the time, and I just feel so humiliated and frustrated. The other day I just turned around and started bitching about everything in the whole world to Yue Keen. He was so nice to just listen to me, and I all those times I saw him I should have learned a lesson from how he handles things. I can’t believe I resorted to such drastic measures. I don’t know if it was out of desperation or loneliness. Everyone talked about how when I was reaching to pick up an object and it looked like I was trying to hug Kelvin. He was so nice to me too, but now that I accidentally humiliated us both, I guess I shouldn’t expect him not to avoid me. I posted up a whole wish list, but honestly I don’t want anything for my birthday. I don’t want anyone to wish me happy birthday, I don’t want any cake, I don’t want any presents of any sort. I just want to sleep. And if I never wake up, then that’s okay.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 2:02 am


azreenWhen I heard that Rania was back with Just Go, I was more concerned about Jooyi’s lines than where Riko went. I just feel like after you’ve lived long enough, everything in your life can never match up to how happy you used to be. For some people, they say it’s cause you’ve peaked. For me, I just feel like i’m destined to be disappointed for the rest of my life. I can’t take living in fear everyday of my life, wondering what’s going to go wrong next. Hoping and praying so hard everytime I get in the car to go anywhere. It’s just too exhausting trying to keep up appearances and tell everyone that everything’s fine. People see me everyday and just say hey, and i’m more surprised than anyone that I actually got out of bed, got ready for my day somewhat and then appeared in front of unsuspecting people let alone was able to say hey back. Or maybe you only see what you want to see. I just feel so stressed, like I don’t know how people manage their lives and take care of themselves. I don’t understand, how i’m supposed to be on top of everything if i’m so vulnerable to everything right now. I just look at that picture and feel like, omg, she’s the most beautiful person in the whole world. Even when everything got really bad and it was all my fault, she knew that everyone blamed and me and didn’t want to let me feel bad. But the truth is even someone with the utmost compassion and the kindest heart wouldn’t want to be around me. Wouldn’t want to talk to me. Wouldn’t be wasting their time.

JoleneEventually people see what I really am and then obviously don’t want me anymore. Ying Tian gave me a lot of advice and wanted me to be more confident, she couldn’t have possibly eyed me in such a hateful way, right? She couldn’t have possibly wanted to humiliate me in front of everyone, right? I don’t know why I keep being so desperate for people to show kindness for me, and I can’t seem to stop it. I watched Shumaine’s parents send her back from KL, with her dad and brother carrying her things and then unpacking for her, then her mom reverses her car out of the house for her while her dad holds the gate open, then he locks up the house and Shumaine gets into her car to go to work while her parents and brother endure the jam back to KL. I just looked on longingly. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe that there hasn’t been one person that i’ve seen of whom I don’t want their life. I feel so lonely everyday, I wonder why i would want to wait to die. At the same  time, I don’t want to see anyone cause I don’t want them to see me like this. Cause if I take anyone’s help, there’s nothing I can give in return. And there’s always a catch. There’s always something I have to be aware of, something I need to guard myself from, always disappointment waiting to happen. It’s safer here by myself. We are born alone and die alone. My story isn’t something people like to hear. It’s hard to watch. It’s not news that would please anyone. I’m not news that would please anyone.


Thursday, 7 March 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Wish List | Posted at 10:07 pm


Below is my birthday wishlist for this year.

Things I’ve still wanted since last year

  • To see %$@#es suffer for what they did to me
  • The satisfaction of seeing popular girls get dumped
  • My debts paid
  • Classic Buckleberry at Paddington
  • Catch of the Day at Dome
  • Chicken Teriyaki Onsen Rice at Pasta Zanmai
  • Auntie Anne’s chocolate pretzel stix
  • Between 3 days to a week paid leave to go on a corporate-sponsored trip to visit Paige
  • Laser hair removal
  • External hard drive
  • Photoshop CS6

Say what you want about what I want. Cause that’s probably more than i’ll ever get from my blogposts.

Monday, 4 March 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 9:25 pm


What a whirlwind the past month was. With every happy moment, there is always lonely one when it inevitably ends. What else do I have if not my siblings? I don’t know why I keep hearing Sistar19’s Gone Not Around Any Longer in my head. I knew what I was feeling inside was something that I couldn’t run away from for long. And I kept looking for opportunities to deceive myself into thinking I was fine. There was the Golden Globes, Chinese New Year, the Oscars. I was contemplating the possibility that the whole time I kept saying that I hate travelling, I actually was denying that I wanted to run away to Paige.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:05 am


Have you ever asked this in your relationship? “Do you want me, or are you just bored?”

I was told once, that I tend to layan people too much, and then when I told my sister about this, she said to me that I tend to allow people to manipulate me. What on earth? Allow? Why do you think it’s called manipulating then?  Read More

Monday, 18 February 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 1:47 am


Okay, this isn’t something new, and most people should know this about me, but i’m very emotional right now. If by now you still don’t know how to click on read more, then I don’t know why I should say that you care about me at all. Read More

Sunday, 10 February 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 12:00 am


Saturday, 9 February 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:01 am


I was using posterous to autopost to this blog via mobile up until last year, cause when it came to resizing images and stuff I didn’t have much freedom of options. I haven’t been using the posterous mobile app for quite a while, both because I was having problems with the app itself for which I didn’t recieve any support even after inquiring via twitter, and because I was too busy to open my laptop to the needed edits to whatever post that I did through the mobile app. But everything seems fine now I guess. I’m enjoying posterous for itself, rather than just relying it as a means to post to my blog from my phone, this is of course after I had to delete and reinstall the app on my phone. The best thing about imgur is that is supports gifs, and that’s what my gifs that i’ve been using on my blog have been subsisting by. Not that i’m posting any for today. Also I have to address the broken image links on my previous posts. I’ll get to them eventually. I don’t know what happened to the links, and I don’t know what happened to the images, it’s actually quite sad for me, but i’ll just have to delete each of the links. Images available to view after the jump.

Read More

Friday, 8 February 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 7:56 pm


I want a new theme! I have no time to make my own from scratch, but I haven’t found any premades that I like either. In the past I used to make new themes for myself and switch up every month, partly because I thought I would continue having all the time in the world and also because I didn’t want to admit that a lot of my themes I was only deceiving myself to like. I’m glad this theme was something I was able to first of all find, and second of all actually serve it’s purpose quite well, and I didn’t mind sticking to it for so many years. I’m sure there are many people who would differ but nothing I can do about it now, cause I can’t find a good theme to replace it and even if I do, I think everything will end up getting completely messed up, especially my tags, dates, categories, and everything in the sidebar. I want to make good use of the “more” tag so that it’s easier to scroll through posts, so i’ll try and keep posts that have long or seemingly long-winded content trimmed to only the first paragraph before the tag, and hopefully my blog will look more tidy.

Read More

Saturday, 2 February 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:14 am


I just feel so panicked all the time, and everyone keeps saying i’ve been behaving so abnormally. I’m shaking right now, i’m so scared, i’m so exhausted but I can’t seem to fall asleep. When I close my eyes I just go back to that trauma. I feel like crying but there’re no tears left. I feel so ashamed, so humiliated. I don’t ever want to wake up. Everyone ran off so quickly, everyone has somewhere to be, but I can’t escape this constant fear. This is your comfort zone, but that’s where the magic happens, and I don’t think I can make it there.

Monday, 7 January 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 11:40 pm


I just feel so sad and exhausted and disappointed and lonely. I miss home so badly. I just want my life back, I just want things to be stable again. I hate being stepped on and humiliated all the time. I wish I could just have some peace of mind and quite time by myself. I have headache and backache almost all the time. The moment I lie down to sleep my neck hurts so bad. I keep eating but I feel like I haven’t eaten in ever. I feel like I have no more tears left. I really wish I had some back up with me right now, I honestly don’t know what else I can do. There’s so much that I have to do but I don’t have the energy. I can’t believe this is what my 200th post is about.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 6:35 pm


This is my 199th blog post. And it’s the first blog post of the year. I wish this year started off better. It’s supposed to be so much more cheerful. I hate that I let myself feel so empty and worthless today. I missed all those sweet hallmark movies, I missed all those amazing discounts. Everyone attended the year end sale, like full on. Life is short, why do I constantly give my time to people who want me to follow their rules all the time. It’s not your job to fix me, that’s true. I should be able to decide for myself whether or not I need fixing, and I don’t want to be in that position where i’m constantly being judged, not anymore. Happy 2013, to all my blog readers.

Monday, 31 December 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 11:57 pm


Last post of the year. I can’t believe that the year is ending, I wish I could stay here in 2012 where I already know how tragic and pathetic everything turns out, so I won’t be surprised and disappointed. I’m not ready to start a whole other year with so many decisions and consequences to deal with. I haven’t accomplished anything, and I never made any changes in myself, and I wasted all of my time. I hate this, I hate everything. I wish 2013 would be good to me, but just the thought of expecting something out of the new year is hurtful, and i’m disappointed already. I wanna be with my bestfriends and my family. I don’t want to be lonely all the time. This was never what I planned for myself, and I can’t believe things got this bad. Yet I still want to stay in this year rather than move onto the next and make a whole new set of humiliating mistakes.

Sunday, 16 December 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:57 pm


So last night I got really upset and cried, and it served as amusement. Anyway, I came up with a list of girl names for your future daughter. Here it is — Erin, Eden, Parker, Winter (gotta have that in the list), Peyton, Blake, Lee, and Sydney. I think they’re great, and they go with absolutely any middle name. Just a short post today, i’m going to PappaRich with my mom and siblings.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 11:54 am


Wow! I watched Horrible Bosses. Albeit at home, but I still liked it! It was hilarious! It really is something that most people feel and think about at least at some point in their lives. Jen Aniston didn’t look too fake either! Dale and his fiancé are so sweet.

Here’s what else I want to watch — an old movie I missed out on and was so upset about not watching, Monte Carlo!!! How could anyone not watch that movie right?

Anyway, my sister encouraged me to join the subang parade logo competition, and I figured, since we’re at subang parade every other day, we really might as well. I made 3 logos. My sister made 2. Hers were really good. I should’ve told her to do the whole thing for me from the beginning. But that should be besides the point. I really had no idea what kind of logo to make, and I was just so bound with trying to include all trademarks and keep within the theme. Typical me, always thinking inside the box. Why can’t I be creative? I thought that whenever given the limits and rules, I always ask for the exact things that go against them? Have I really lost my ability to think?

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 1:11 pm


I was watching Fever Pitch on, would you believe it, Fox Movies Premium, and it turns out that it’s only the second romantic comedy to end with Drew Barrymore on baseball diamond. Jimmy Fallon portraying profound emotion, proclaiming his love for someone, being serious, Drew Barrymore looking gorgeous as the hurt girlfriend and accomplished career woman in every touching scene. It’s really insane how Lindsay wanted to take Ben back just because he was selling his tickets. And her race to Ben not only cost her 600 bucks, but also a possible back injury. It was so insane but so sweet I almost cried. I can’t believe I watched a movie about baseball, ew!! I hate that sport!

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 1:46 am


Hey guys, I just wanted to say that i’m really lucky to have Ashraf as my brother, and that he was always really kind to me even when I didn’t deserve it. He doesn’t judge me, and he always takes an interest in what happens to me, and I can’t imagine what life would be like if I didn’t have my brother. Nothing I could do can ever repay his kindness, and especially when I see cute videos of him I feel really sad that I didn’t do more for him. Having my brother trust me is an amazing gift, and I feel like my life is complete, even though there are some bad financial things that are gonna happen to me as a result of my carelessness this past year.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 1:01 am


Most days I feel like walking alone on the main roads and seeing how long before I get run over by a bus.

Read More

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Gifs | Posted at 11:17 pm


Read More

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:53 pm


Girl X and I were in the same group for some kind of class project. She seemed to think she knew me.


Read More

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 5:30 pm


Whenever I go on hotmail and type my e-mail and password, it just goes back to the login page to trick me into filling it up over and over again. I don’t understand! It’s the same on firefox. Plus, everytime I want to upload using imgur, it just says pending. Pending pending for hours! What is wrong with the internet? What is wrong with my laptop? How am I supposed to get anything done?

190th post! Yesterday I finally got to see a movie — I haven’t got to go see one in ages, especially since no one wanted to take me to see breaking dawn. And there’s all the other movies that I missed like Something Borrowed, Burlesque, Horrible Bosses. And that’s just to name a few. I really should have been brought to see mirror mirror. Such a tragedy that I haven’t seen it until now. I saw Yana Samsudin and Pierre Andre! I was really near and I didn’t say or do anything cause I was so stunned. I had no idea about the premiere showing, nor did I notice the media there. I don’t think I was ever that close to a celebrity.
Anyway I was so lucky to get to see RoTG with my two sisters, and I was lucky that my younger sister asked me to come and join her group of friends for dinner.

Speaking of tickets, this other thing that I really wanted to go for was sold out and I couldn’t go, but I really want to go. I feel so lonely, and this status quo is really suffocating. To make it worse, I spent so much on car service, laptop repair, and a portion of piano fees that i’m scared to open my wallet now because I don’t want to know how little I have.

Every parent wants desperately to have the pride of saying that their daughter is studying overseas, and is getting engaged etc. They all want to talk to other parents about how their kids are friends with the other parents’ kids because they’re so popular. There’s still so much hanging over my head — fallouts with frenemies, car accident, constant arguing with my dad. The happy family show is such a tired act. I can’t cope with it. Whose convenience are we really staying together for? Will I still have my blog if i don’t have my sisters? Why is my mom so comfortable with the fact that i’m nothing without my sisters? Now that i’m using this smartphone, am i really able to go back to a regular phone anymore?

It’s really not that hard to understand, or see if someone is hurting. There’s always something there, or rather, right behind the facade, and often it’s transparent enough. It’s hard to look past the expensive electronics, the designer bag, the hair-do, the shoes, the excessive photo-ops for every public affair. When someone is doing so much to seem normal is that not when you know something is amiss? I will never understand why family problems seem to strike so randomly, and how people of that socioeconomic background do so much to cover it up, but I have been unfortunate enough to learn first hand that I should be careful of it’s unsuspecting nature, and it’s persistence in our society. I couldn’t stand being in the same group as S for that whole year, but when I think back to her photowall I realise there aren’t many pictures with her dad or extended family. She filtered out the good things about her life to show off. And she did it well. I couldn’t bear to think that I could ever be in the same category as her, but if my memory of how life treats me serves, it should fit the pattern.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:10 am


Okay, so when I deal with the large amounts of spam that i get in my comments, it gets annoying but it also reminds me that i shouldn’t expect anything more than just spam in my comments.

Is this going to be another dinner that everyone is just going to ignore me? another event where i end up being asked to take a picture for you, or hold your things for you? Then I don’t wanna go. When you ask me to come does it mean that you’re going to put me in a seat next to someone I don’t know or have nothing in common and nothing to talk with? Then I don’t wanna go!! Why must I be the accessory? Every single time? What’s really insulting is if someone feels they are helping me to feel useful when they have me doing things for them. There are many people in this world who are so proud of themselves, and just keep flattering themselves for everything they do. Speaking to someone like me who apparently doesn’t deserve any greeting other than being called weird seems to merit them a charity award. They seriously think I like them so much that i thank god every time they do what’s “beneath them” and be seen with me. They think that they’ve done so much, and I should be so grateful. They’re so satisfied with themselves. And they ask things about me that they actually know the answer to because they don’t want to know anything more. They enjoy the influence that they have, and the attention they receive, and they make sure it continues to only go to them. They make sure that everyone else stays in their place. They don’t admit to being the most popular but they do everything possible to remain the most popular.

Who do I have to be myself around? It’s not fair, you never have to even stand the thought of being lonely, but it’s okay for me to be penned in when i’m not being made use of. Am I supposed to be thankful that being manipulated by people gets me the minimum required human interaction a person can get? I go to such great lengths to make my self feel important, to make myself feel some semblance of getting attention that I don’t even believe the things I do. Chelsea said that i’m a wannabe model. Popular girls will be popular whether I help them or not, whether I bad-mouth them or not. I wouldn’t know how caring they are, they never actually did anything for me specifically, it’s just that people tell me how kind they are. I’m not going to reward you just because you were polite to me — I certainly don’t get anything for being polite to you. So what if I judge you? Are you going to lose all your votes for prom queen? Are people going to flame you on your timeline? I’m just one person, and you made it very clear how insignificant I am compared to your posse. Clearly what I spread around about you isn’t going to affect your reputation. Don’t make me pity you for receiving a tiny bit of bad press on top of all the attention and publicity you get.



Monday, 26 November 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Gifs | Posted at 7:15 pm




Thursday, 22 November 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 11:36 pm


Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Gifs | Posted at 12:01 am


Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 5:45 pm


Monday, 19 November 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Gifs | Posted at 12:00 am


So apparently aethereality.net has closed down! So has blinding-light.com! My favourite is in-genesis.com, and it’s still running. I visited day dream graphics after so long. I used to submit my work to day dream graphics in hope that they’ll publish it. Of course, back then no one considered what I did as art. In fact, even now people still don’t recognize it, thinking of it as less than doodling. Anyway, everyone’s asking each other how many days off they get from their respective jobs, and whether or not they get a long weekend. I don’t mind people asking me how much I make, to which the answer is none. I don’t mind people asking me about still living with my parents. In fact, i kind of like to hear about their jobs. What I do mind is their opinion about my unemployment. It’s so much more complicated than something I can just explain to someone I just met. My life is complicated. I can’t make it more palatable for you. I don’t understand, they seem to think that they can read me and my circumstances instantly, but that’s not the truth, cause there’s so much more to it. I guess I let myself fall into the category of conversation based on the occassional dye-job compliment. After which is followed by a lull.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 4:17 pm


Hot Summer f(x) Read More

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Gifs | Posted at 5:40 am


Catch My Breath Kelly Clarkson

Friday, 16 November 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 5:06 am


Kelly Clarkson Catch My Breath

So yesterday night, I unexpectedly met Adrian Lee. He said hey, and I was so surprised. I still can’t believe he actually spoke first. Okay, it’s not like he referred to me by name, but he actually came up to me. I was so unglam that night and so not ready to run into anyone, let alone someone older than me. I was stuttering like an idiot and was really awkward and it quickly became uncomfortable, at which point I, as always, walked off. Hurriedly. I couldn’t even remember the last time he spoke to me. There should be more humble and gracious people in the world — seniors would never say hi first to a junior. And more to the point, he was probably the only guy among those seniors who didn’t bully me. Sigh, eighty eight and nine liners. I really felt like it was the first time I was talking to him ever. I was so embarrassed afterwards, but i’m never seeing him again, so there’re no consequences. Or the need to redeem myself, i think.


Olivia told me that I should be more confident, and it really hurts that it’s not the first time I heard that from someone, but ask any of my sisters and they’ll tell you i’m way too confident. To me, it isn’t that hard to see if someone is hurting, cause most of the time if you just guess you’ll strike gold anyway. Some people are really confident, and some people deceive themselves to be. A lot of people have a lot of insecurities to cover up. I don’t know what it’s going to take. I don’t know how much more miserable I have to be, how much worse my life has to be before my mom and sisters are finally satisfied. It’s just not fair. It’s always assumed that I’m so deliriously happy with my life, and they get to assume that because I didn’t say anything, didn’t tell them what happened. On the other hand, I can’t say anything about what I don’t like because it’s called complaining, and they say all I do is complain but never do anything about it. Anyone only ever asks me what i’m doing when they want to make use of me, because all my time is theirs to take freely. Even if I end up having to be in two places at once, it’s never as bad as what they have to go through. I guess I really have to explain that taking an interest in my life is something that you do because you sincerely are curious, not because you want me to do something for you that day. Don’t even ask if i’m free because i’m always available for you. I already told my mom and sisters about that girl who manipulates me into doing things for her by asking questions about my schedule that she already knows the answer to. Honestly, I think they aspire to be her. That girl was so good at it, I ended up doing multiple favours that takes up at least the whole afternoon at each time, and she delegated work so fast I couldn’t even call out to her to say wait a minute. Here’s another priceless point of lull in the conversation. People ask me where my girlfriend is. Like that’s the only thing in the world to talk about. And then we end up just looking at each other. Well, actually my eyes look away but we’re still facing each other. And it feels really uncomfortable. Am I of no value if I have no girlfriend? If you had referred to the previous paragraph you would know  that I don’t have a job, so common sense dictates that I need to get my life together first. They seriously think that it means I don’t deserve to be loved or something. Like you’ve never been single? Don’t make me vomit on you.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 3:08 am


I’m still having a lot of trouble with fonts — finding ones that I like, finding out if they’re available for free, making them appear clearly on images while working with them, adjusting the spacing. Anywyay, I got a pingback on post 150 dated 31 March 2012. It was about IPL. I feel sad that Ringer was cancelled. It was something that was my taste. The fact that it was cancelled made it seem like more and more things in the world that reflect my interests and culture sensibilities are being taken away from me, leaving me with less and less a representation of what niche I can fit into. Not that anyone should aim for that though.

But based on my previous posts, the obvious reason why i’m feeling more and more miserable is because it’s the end of the year, and I feel jealous that everyone else has so much to celebrate while i’m still exactly as clueless as I was before. I thought reading that Kevin Leman book changed me. It’s like the holiday season just reversed everything and then made me feel so much worse.

Why is everyone constantly testing how useful I am? I’m not here for you to evaluate! I so hate it! Everyone keeps telling me what my problem is, instead of waiting for me to tell them what’s wrong, not that they bothered to ask. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to point out that my problems are just that and no one should ever have to endure taking an interest in them, let alone be involved in them. Even though when you need something everyone else is expected to give their everything and support you to the fullest.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 9:20 pm


Sunday, 28 October 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 10:05 pm


Well, the country had a really great 3 day weekend; for school kids it was 4 days; and everyone was so looking forward to it and was gonna have so much fun. I on the other hand was really upset because my dad was around more than anyone else and that just ruined everything. My mom was asking when he’s going back to work cause my dad and I were fighting so much. And how do I know when to use ‘my dad and I’ instead of ‘me and my dad’ ? I don’t know if i’ll ever learn or understand english grammar. I feel really sad that I didn’t get to go shopping or at least experience the ambience of a shopping mall. I so wanted to go to Solaris Dutamas, or maybe even Paradigm. I had so many plans and places that I wanted to eat. But not enough faith in myself to follow through with it. I feel so bitter that people even had weddings and everyone went to their hometown and was so happy. I feel so lonely. As i’m typing this it just makes me feel even worse knowing that each sentence I type is that much more that no one is ever going to read. While everyone goes to their loved ones and celebrates their accomplishments this year, who do I really have to go to? I mean, my sisters have accomplished many things, both in their professional and romantic life, and they’re fine without having to share it with me. I try to blame it on being bashed by others, but the truth is even if they didn’t bash me they wouldn’t have anything good to say about me either. Now, the amazing 4 day weekend that school kids all over the country were staying up and sleeping in during is over. It’s over, I missed my chance to have fun, and so begins another dreary week. No amount of pop or dance is ever going to alleviate the pain or fill the emptiness, and it’s not because the neighbours have suffered more than enough loud music.


My mom was working on thursday and saturday, and the rest of the time I was just waiting for my sister to come back from her Kelantan trip under the delusion that anything can only get done if she’s around to lead us through it. I guess i’ve assumed a role whereby living vicariously through the everyday victories that i help others to achieve inevitably leads me incapacitated to decide what I want to do let alone do it. I’ve always just tagged along. As much as I and everyone else think it’s about attention and appreciation; it really is truly about direction. Everything i’ve done in my life was just filling time trying to get as much of a reprieve as I can before i’m told to do something. Just intervals between my dad being around, or intervals between one disastrous fight and another. I’ve never really experienced true meaning or even life. Even when i’m with my sisters or my friends i’m just tagging along adding in to whatever the conversation is. I’ve really never accomplished anything. And without that to give me substance as an individual, i have no value to anyone, which leaves me here. Alone as always. Do I want to be needed? Will I ever find fulfillment in my life? Will I ever be competent as a human being? Were the flaws pointed out to me by everyone not necessarily the things that kept me from discovering my strengths?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:31 am



Sunday, 21 October 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 12:25 am


Thursday, 11 October 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 7:31 pm


Comment if you wanna see the unedited photo

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 11:44 pm


I’m glad that my sister’s back from melbourne+auckland. She even let me use her car, which I was really worried about because she had stuff in it that she might need to use. Like her CDs that she might need to listen to. Plus, whoever has to use my car is really unlucky to not be able to enjoy super cold air con, corner sensor, and CD player. For those of you who follow me on twitter (other than my youngest sister) you would know how I feel about corner sensors as a basic human right. They just are!

Anyway, I won’t bother posting pictures of my hallowed messianic sister’s transcendental return since my blog has no readers, plus people can refer to my youngest sister’s instagram, or facebook if anyone still uses that anymore. Speaking of facebook, I hope it dies out completely, and soon. Cyberstalkers by definition are people who can find any digital means necessary to gather information about a person, not just relying on facebook, so really, it shouldn’t be a problem for any party involved. I was disappointed that I didn’t get to go out with my older sister like I used to when I was 16 to 18. I really like experiencing the wonderful environment of a shopping mall under her leadership through the crowds. I really wish I could join the family to eat at somewhere unreasonably extravagant like delicious by miss read, even though I probably really don’t like the food or even the company. It’s always nice to tag along and not have to play any role. Then I just order a starter or just a dessert and everyone feigns concern for me, each time less convincing than the previous. What I really want is to eat at wip or alexis or marmalade. Or at least decanter. What I want more than that is for someone to take the time to talk to me about why I allow my compulsion to overspend at a restaurant that I don’t even order a main to cover up my real intentions of seeking attention from people whom I thought care about me the most in this world. I do realise that it’s wrong for me to keep hoping someone would come to my side and gently ask me out of genuine concern why I won’t order or eat as much as everyone else, whether the missing course of my meal represent what’s missing in my life. In the end it’s something you need as a human being. Anyone who notices anything about my life would realize i’m so obsessed with food because eating too many sweet desserts that taste good helps temporarily take me away from the bitter loneliness that I feel due to lack of friends, or just a person to talk to. Without conversation to distract me, i’m left without company, alone only facing walls that reverberate a deafening silence of truths about myself that I don’t want to confront yet still burns right through me.


Sunday, 23 September 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 2:05 pm


Dr Phil has all the means to help, but impactful questions are just that — they can bring many different kinds of impact, even the bad kind.
I don’t understand why the harsh criticism towards Dina. She was a struggling single mom who had to fight so hard to free herself from an abusive relationship. Lindsay’s current lifestyle may not be something she deserves, but she did work once upon a time, and she was compensated for said work — if she was somehow able to sustain herself and her family up until now, it must mean she’s been earning from doing something. Given the environemtn that she’s in whether it’s LA or New York I don’t really expect anything less. They all obviously need help. Maybe they could try moving to a small suburb where living is cheaper, and Lindsay could work nearby her house so that she doesn’t need to drive. Then she can make new friends and do things that don’t involve drinking or excessive shopping. Lindsay and Dina are just two women struggling to make ends meet, and they’re unsure how just like a lot of other people. Honestly, nothing lasts forever. She was successful once, and bad decisions lead her into a downward spiral. The economy is trying to make a comeback too, but it’s a steep climb. Bad things happen, and making a comeback is difficult. Times are tough. Look at the environment and climate.
I miss the old beautiful Lindsay whose talent shone, but I think now what we should all look forward to is a recovered, safe, and healthy Lindsay who has peace and privacy that she was deprived of her whole life.

I wish everyone in my family would eventually somehow find their individual inner peace and happiness, but the future seems bleak.
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Saturday, 8 September 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 10:19 am



Friday, 31 August 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 2:49 pm



What about green? I think it’s the new black, everyone is doing it — AOA, Skarf, Hello Venus. I’m so jealous!! Anyway, happy merdeka to everyone! I think it’s the one holiday over here I can finally find some relief in. Where everyone agrees on it. Right now i’m just at home, wondering where i’d like to go, i had so many things to do on my list, ended up crossing out Loaf, Thai-Thai, Auntie Anne’s, Cinnabon, even Delicious, just out of boredom. I’ve been trying to find my way back to a regular appetite, but nothing seems to do it. I’m either too full or dehydrated. Never quite craving or even eager for a meal. Maybe i’ve just become too picky? Well, I suppose I would want to try Swensens since I haven’t for a long time. And i’ve always wanted to go to Daily Grind. Or Whisk. Oh! I’ve got it! I should go to WIP! Yes, and Marmalade is still a great option too. My, my, so much to do so little time.

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 6:45 am



Friday, 24 August 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 6:30 am



Thursday, 23 August 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 1:00 pm


azreen  azreen  azreen

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 2:30 pm



Why is everyone in such outrage over the announcement about Hyuna’s october comeback? It’s her job. It’s not like anyone in their right mind would just say, oh I don’t feel like releasing a follow up single, the label had just find some other way to make ends meet. I recognize the quality of music that they produce with her, and although I would have hoped for actual art, i see how their decisions for her career are instead based purely on profit. I love all the girls of 4minute, so when one of them has a solo project i will be happy for her too. Regardless which one of them it is. Regardless, it’s unlikely that the label is going to let her go just because of all the public hatred towards her. In fact, the publicity she garners just encourages the company. I really was looking forward to the yoon subunit but oh well, I don’t mind, and they probably have been working on it anyway.

My parents made a bad decision (as always) by adding two new rooms and a bathroom (when they already have a whole other unused house) and now, commence the arguments with staff and discrepancies between electrical and air conditioning.

Everyone can tell that there’s something bothering me, that I keep looking away, and that before they approach me i seem a lot quieter than I really am, that I always look troubled. My parents on the other hand, feel that I’m way too happy. Especially for their convenience. My sisters went out with my dad today. I went out earlier in the morning. I want to talk to someone who remembers what the last thing we talked about was, who remembers my age, who encourages me to do something when they see that I like it, who asks me where i’m going when they leave me, and doesn’t make me into what they want me to be. I don’t know — I seem to keep asking for pity, but then I turn around and say that I don’t want anyone’s pity. But how can I just depend on myslef? I’m on such thin ice, I feel like i’m waiting for the thing that’s going to collapse me.

Monday, 20 August 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:22 pm


The truth is, I couldn’t cope without Paige. That basically encompasses all 165 posts here on this blog. I can’t function, and I don’t want to be around other people with whom I have to start from scratch and explain everything about myself all over. Some people call it dependent personality disorder. I say that they shouldn’t go around diagnosing people when they don’t know what they’re talking about. Everything was so simple in the beginning. I was just this guy who liked to draw, and even had a few short essays that he dreamed could one day constitute a book. I don’t know how everything got so complicated and how it all ended up like this. I don’t know how i’ll ever find my way back.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:53 am


Dear Alina,

Mummy asked me which one of the gate remotes are working, and then when I just told her that if the light is on then still can use, she angry. How she expect me to know everything that’s going on at home if I wasn’t even able to live at home everyday anymore?!? She keep asking me all these things as if i’m seriously sitting at home all week doing nothing. If the remote doesn’t work, everyone just asks me instead of realize what they did to it.

Read More

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 2:27 pm


I woke up this morning with a really severe headache, and I felt really upset. I thought it was because yesterday Ling Wei suddenly crossed my mind and I felt humiliated by what she said about me. But I think it’s just that time of year. Interested? Read the rest by clicking below.

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Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 5:59 pm


I have so many thoughts running through my head all the time, but I appear so vacant to everyone. But some people are able to pick up on how i’m preoccupied by something. Too bad it isn’t just one thing.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 9:40 am


It’s that time of year again. Soon, i’ll meet so many relatives, and i’ll have to explain to them yet again that i’m here, unemployed, and not overseas like their children. It’s my first Raya without my oldest sister, so I expect i’d be really upset that day. When I woke up this morning I felt my heart beating so fast, it was almost blaring in my ears. I don’t know if it’s that usual thing that happens to me when Raya approaches — I somehow have less appetite and eat in such a reluctant way. I managed to finish my food last night and this morning, but I was surprised by how quickly I felt full. I wasn’t satisfied and wanted to eat more, taste more things, but I was already at my limit, how disappointing. I feel like lately everything bad that could happen did. I haven’t explained here about this girl who told all her friends that I was the one who sent her a hate mail. I don’t even understand why I came under fire for that cause she and I talked a lot, and I thought she knew me. Yesterday I could barely get up, I was in so much pain. I think if i’m not careful I might end up a lot worse, but I feel like taking care of myself at this point is taking so much effort.


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Friday, 27 July 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 4:36 pm


So this woman tells me that i might have paranoid personality disorder just because I think everyone talks bad about me. First of all, everyone really does talk bad about me, especially her. Secondly, of course she wouldn’t know what it’s like to be talked about behind your back because she’s popular and she never had to deal with anyone saying anything that ever damaged her reputation. Because it would still stand no matter what they say anyway! What could I possibly say that would make people hate her?! And who would listen to me anyway? She wouldn’t know what it’s like to have personal problems and be preoccupied with the humiliation and embarassment of mere mortal existence that I experience. When are people going to get off their high horses and stop harassing me, and open their eyes to see that i’m miserable enough already so they should be satisfied without having to make things worse for me!

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 6:56 pm


I admit that I have given up before on overcoming my personal problems.
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Monday, 18 June 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 12:05 am


 So i’ve been making very painful discoveries about myself, and having to come to terms with your personality is really hard. I need to go back to when I was able to be carefree and honest with everyone, instead of constantly ashamed, and even thinking that everyone is out to humiliate me. Amelia gave me Kevin Leman’s Have a New You by Friday, and it helped me ask more questions about my life and make some progress in defining at least what I want. I’ve never had any trouble knowing what I don’t want, I feel like i’m up to my ears in it every day. Primarily, no more roles. That’s one of the biggest issues that I feel really determined a lot of things for me for a long time. I’m always taken as this part of society, or ethnic profile, and most of what i’ve been doing was; I realise now, an effort to relinquish the roles that seemed to be placed upon me. I feel like I really need to just be alone and just breathe. Have a reprieve. Not define myself by these circumstances. Looking back at all those opportunities that I had to make a difference in myself and truly develop my personality, having to build back myself from so many things slipped away at various points of my life. I don’t feel I can ever get there. Let alone do it overnight. The reason i’ve never met someone who could read me completely, well it’s because they bolted before they went through with the rest of the agony.

Monday, 30 April 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 9:47 am


That person really really really upset me, and made me feel so much worse about myself than I already did — something that I can’t just erase or repair overnight. It really affected me, and that desperation to retaliate against that person made me go against my own beliefs, and I hated that. Now i’m confused and don’t know who I am. I was never a superficial person and this really puts me back several years — I might as well be in high school agian. My mom and sisters, do they even care? Did they even notice how I wasn’t as happy anymore? Who am I supposed to trust? Why bother telling me not to be so negative if you’re just going to tell me? They thought it was just usual me. Clearly anyone who knows me would know that I need actual help rather than someone just dismissing my feelings as plain insanity. It’s obvious that you don’t want to acknowledge my feelings because you are so focused only on my productivity and what convenience I provide to your life. They know I hate feeling used and they just make it worse. Nothing is ever severe if I go through it alone, but when it’s them everyone has to feel bad and be sorry and help out. When I help people it’s because I have no other choice — my own uncertainty about my self-worth leaves me no feeling of purpose and I can only seek fulfillment by carrying out someone’s instructions. It’s very hurtful to deceive myself into feeling so happy, and when that fades all that’s left is what’s underneath, and I can’t cope with going from one extreme to another. I keep being made to blame myself for thinking about it, or taking it personally. Like you can have feelings that are wrong. I never once went to someone and told them to stop feeling sad or angry. If anything, I would ask them why. When I depended on my mom and my sisters, I ended up watching them go the other way. I can’t just change my loyalties in my life, because there’s literally no one else out there who wants me. I can’t settle for having friends for the sake of having friends. Especially if I don’t like how they treat me. In fact, I feel alone all the time anyway. But I don’t have the chance to be truly alone either. I just don’t know what to do.

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 2:15 pm


I really feel like there’s no one I can trust. When I feel something, you’ll definitely see it, i’m that transparent. It always shows when i’m upset. I get very emotional. I can’t just keep everything inside like everyone else. It’s too hard. I just don’t know what to do. I feel lonely all the time, i feel desperate for someone to talk to. But I don’t want just anyone to talk to, I need a friend who cares about me. I can’t keep tagging along with people who want to benefit what little they can out of me, or just trying to conform to what most people expect of me, it just doesn’t work, and I feel even more unhappy. I look around and everyone else has someone who cares about them, and they don’t throw their dissatisfaction in their face or blame them for everything. They actually appreciate their friends. When is someone going to actually want to know me?

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 2:01 pm


I can’t believe all this time I didn’t know about Carly Rae Jepsen! The song is perfect, and it could be made into a romantic comedy. Speaking of which, i’m waiting for someone to take me to go see The Vow. Apparently The Killers was showing on astro but I missed it everytime. Gosh! I really wish I could have that yogurt from Jco, or the one from Coffee Bean, it’s nice too.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 11:24 am


I wish my life could go back to normal, back to when I was using a regular nokia phone. The battery could last for 3 days! I could play snake all day! I don’t understand what is going on with the world today, like if I wanted to use twitter, I’ll just open my laptop. What is so hard? I’ll just press keys on a keyboard if I want to execute a command, or type a text message. And really, there’s nothing fun to do online! You can listen to music like on youtube, but that depends on your connection anyway. And if a smartphone doesn’t have 3G reception in that area or there’s no free wifi around, then it’s completely useless! Like, how many megabytes are you going to just keep using anyway? On my laptop I don’t need to be online and I can just have fun editing photos on photoshop. Last time, I would code my blog offline and only go online to upload the work that I finished. I really miss that. Basic HTML, using only a shoutbox for comments. And people actually used e-mail, and you don’t have to tell them to check their e-mail after you e-mailed them something.

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 5:49 pm


Hate Myself

Oh my gosh! 4minute has finally released the new Volume Up video! It looks amazing! They’re so gorgeous! If only they had informed us about the theme of this album earlier so that I would be more prepared. The whole thing seems to be happening so fast. Ironic, considering I was so impatient for it to be released.

A conflicted heart feeds off doubt and confusion. It will make you question your path, your tactics, your motives. When you stare ahead darkness is all you see. Only reason and determination can pull you back from the abyss. The greatest weapon anyone can use against us is our own mind. Always question where your loyalty lies. The people you trust will expect it, your greatest enemies will desire it and those you treasure the most will without fail, abuse it. Truth is a battle of perceptions. People only see what they’re prepared to confront. Its not what you look at that matters, but what you see. And when different perceptions battle against one another, the truth has a way of getting lost; and the monsters find a way of getting out.

Hate Myself

But in reality our perception is often clouded; by expectations, by experiences. True loyalty takes years to build and only seconds to destroy. Some say that our lives are defined by the sum of our choices, but it’s not really our choices who distinguish who we are, it’s our commitment to them. Just as there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to every person. One that we reveal to the world and another we keep hidden inside. A duality governed by the balance of light and darkness. Within each of us is the capacity for both good and evil. But those of us who are able to blur the moral dividing line hold the true power.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 8:45 pm


 I’m so excited for Volume Up! The only thing worse than being somewhere you don’t belong is knowing it. People keep telling me that I have to change seemingly out of their alleged concern for me, but they just want to inflict that awareness on me. Everything is always a review of someone’s usefulness. It’s always “She’s getting worse” or “She makes things so hard” instead of “She must be upset” followed by “I wonder what’s bothering her”. The truth is people don’t care about each other. I don’t know if it’s anymore, or if they never did. I live in the comfortable delusion that there’s always someone who will want to help me through anything, but what no one wants to admit is that they like to see me alone, at least rather than with them. In order to learn about true meaning in life, I have to find these lessons from people who look for it in life, but the reality is that i’m surrounded by wannabe-models, who mostly are coincidentally socialites. All I get from people is ‘I’m better than putting up with you’. I’m tired of begging people to come down to my level to speak to me. I need to find someone who actually wants to know about me. I need to find someone who would read my blog. I let myself settle for friends who feign interest in me. I let the world make me think that it was more than enough. If you are around people who want you to hate yourself, you eventually will. Will anyone put down their phone to talk to me?

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Wish List | Posted at 9:09 am


Wow! She really thinks she’s a boss!?! She must be so immensely popular that she has the nerve to friend request someone that she’s not even close to! Like they will do anything other than just block her?!

I wish I could shower with hot water and then sleep in a very cold air-conditioned and peaceful hotel room by myself. Sounds so relaxing and enticing! Then I want to order room service. Then I wouldn’t even ask to go shopping in the city! Would I even want for anything else, since I could probably sleep for a week?

Anyway, since i’m hungry right now, I really want to eat chocolate pretzel stix from Auntie Anne’s, or chocolate danish from Loaf! Or maybe cinnamon rolls from Cinnabon! How I wish I could have one right now!

I miss that feeling of being rested, hydrated, and clean!

Things I want to do

Purchase and watch

Horrible Bosses Warner Bros. Pictures

Crazy Stupid Love Warner Bros. Pictures

I don’t know how she does it The Weinstein Company

Go to see

Mirror Mirror



Sunday, 1 April 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 12:01 am


Saturday, 31 March 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Wish List | Posted at 10:39 pm


I made it to my 150th blog post! I’ve been relistening to Marina and the Diamonds’ Hollywood, realizing that there was a whole lot from that period of my life that just flew by and I can barely remember. I was just thinking about how conversations these days felt more and more monotonous and seemed to lack real substance. I was really upset about the fuss with spm results that day, and then there’s earth hour. And everyone just makes small talk about book vouchers to fill in any dead air. Well, i’m thankful that I don’t have to put up with much idol talk.



Azreen’s wishlist

  • face laser hair removal
  • eyebrow threading
  • hair treatment

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 12:10 pm



Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 1:15 pm



Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 6:48 am



Monday, 19 March 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 4:29 pm



Sunday, 18 March 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 3:30 pm



Saturday, 3 March 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 1:09 pm


The greatest joy you’ll ever feel in your life is the first time you hold your baby in your arms. My older sister wasn’t just first, but everything began with her. Begins with her. Even now. Everyday. Part of why I could never decide who I want to be is because just being second to her is so comfortable.


There’s been a lot of critisism towards Lindsay of late (http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/backstage/backstage/lindsay-on-fallon/), and it’s really sad. I wanted to post about it, but there’s really so much, it’s like taking a aniston-pitt history class. It’s all such a tragedy. Everyone is either waiting for her to die, or wants her to go back to the way she used to be. Apparently she’s received countless chances and she blew it every time. Even in her THS it states that everything began far before the drinking. There were all those signs even in her early work that things weren’t going well, it’s really no surprise things got this bad. It takes seconds to break something and years to come even close to fixing it. Some things you just can never get back. Sometimes I feel like there’s just no one who will ever care, no one you can ever trust, no one who doesn’t demand something from you. I think that this constant loneliness and need for another is such a weakness in humans. Is it really possible to have it all? There’s still so much misogynistic discussion about kids and career. I wonder if any of it is worth it.

Monday, 27 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 4:48 am


Sunday, 26 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Wish List | Posted at 1:41 pm


Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 10:50 pm


My parents never let me forget how disposable I am. It’s always about your productivity. Even if it wasn’t i’m apparently still easily replaceable. They never let me forget that I have nothing to offer them. How incapable I am even to the point of letting myself down.


Throughout my life, there have been people who said I was shy and there have been people who said that i’m very extroverted. No prizes for guessing which one I heard more. You would think that someone who has so many (again with the shock of how big my family is, people will never get over it) sisters to talk to would have talked himself to death already. How could I still have so much to say, everyday, all day? I have no idea. You would think that someone who has so many people to pay attention to him at home wouldn’t be so desperate to have friends and get attention. Why does azreen constantly need to be heard? Maybe you wouldn’t have to put up with him so much if he already had someone to always be there for him. And that’s what people do — put up with me, not like it, and get pissed. Honestly, when i’m gone it’s such a relief for everyone. But is death my gift, or everyone elses? At least it all ends. Maybe that’s why I think that it solves everything. Every person who has the kindness and generosity to talk to me and make friends with me is immediately labelled as an enabler. I want to live my life and figure out who I am, but unfortunately who i am was something that’s forced on me ever since I can remember. All I am is the problem, and everything I do is just to rebel and has nothing to do with beliefs or helping anyone.


I wish I could find someone who agrees with me.

Monday, 20 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 9:09 pm


I’ve been considering tumblr-ing as something that I want to start doing, I don’t know why something that I don’t understand seems to capture my interest. Also, speaking of tumblr, apparently there’s all this judgement among users about usage of bright colours, lack of originality which was actually a result of availability of the reblogging function, and making people feel bad about themselves under the guise of speaking your mind. It all seems really complicated, but fitting with the hypersegregation of contemporary culture clearly evident in age-defined internet use, tumblr caters to a specific target demographic so I can see how the users would want to fit into a niche, defining themselves based largely on what everyone else is currently doing. There’s all this throwing around of terms like mainstream, and originality. These were always big issues in my life, but until today, i’m still trying to figure out what it all means. Everyone has to have some kind of entertatinment-based identity, like taking sides before a war, except maybe there’s one that’s already begun. There’s a whole other world out here. It’s expected that in accordance with media influence, arising subcultures would each have a specific representation in some form of online community or another.

However, with the recent move towards social networking, there’s an arising culture of judging people based on their number of followers or friends, which is a manifestation of public identity many are affected by. Kids are being exposed to a lot because of this. We need to start asking ourselves why we are condemning people and things just because they are different and make us feel uncomfortable.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 2:47 pm


There’s always that girl, naturally skinny and with flawless complexion, she has a stay at home mom, a maid, is close to her sisters, has study groups with her best girlfriends, elected as head prefect, gets best student award every year, doesn’t need to work during school holidays. Don’t believe me, ask me who she is. People tell me that nobody’s perfect. Okay fine, actually my mom tells me nobody’s perfect. But seriously? Sure, maybe she’s not charitable, or she doesn’t recycle. But her parents are proud of her. My friends have told me really kind things like don’t compare yourself to other people, just do what makes you happy, and do the best you can for yourself. But seriously? In the school I went to, we were taught to compare ourselves in everything to everyone! Being the second oldest, how can I not compare myself to other people? I keep talking about all these bad influences in my life. Growing up in a superficial town, having parents who don’t speak BM and watch tv all the time, of being manipulated by girls who think they’re better than me because they’re popular. I know that if all this didn’t happen to me, I would have become a much better person than what I am today. My defeatist mentality, intolerance for physical activity,  everything comes from those. I was ruined before I had the chance to know how to face anything, so please don’t tell me that I need to be more tough or resilient or determined or any of those things that I don’t see you demonstrate cause when something is inconvenient you either make me do stuff for you or you just vent to me! Okay, mostly that’s what my mom does, but I see other people do it too, like to other people if not me.

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Friday, 17 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 5:37 am


Everything I learnt, all those rules, I don’t think any of it applies anymore. The way you reach out to people is clearly one of the biggest things that’s changed. Who’s going to read my text messages or pick up my calls when all people are doing right now is whatsapping each other. I think the approach to achieving your goals are different now. As most people say it, the game has changed. You don’t go to work and then when you finish your work come home. You’re constantly receiving updates and you’re available all day, especially those people who work on facebook. It’s so strange to me, how people just get on to what’s happening and then it becomes natural to them.


Humans are social beings, as i’ve been told many times over. As much as I don’t want to believe it. I’ll discuss the irony of how the people who said this to me are the same people who ignored me; later. Also, I should discuss the irony of how those same people when asked why they didn’t invite me to their birthdays or showed up for mine, simply cited my lack of social initiative; when they were the ones who were peddling these reaching-out-teachings. Anyway, apparently, even though i’m stuck alone and am probably better off alone cause i actually care about more than things like reputation and status; we are all supposed to rely on each other for conversation as a boost for our psyche. So facebook made that easier for people, but then they ended up spending their day not only on games, but also enviously reading about people’s extravagant vacations, birthday celebrations, shopping sprees, makeovers, weddings, and job promotions. So that gives the opposite effect, especially for cyberstalkers, a population that facebook seemed to enable and contribute to. Another unfortunate side effect, people forgot how to have eye contact and just say goodday, and then other people feel even more left out.


What’s worse, it isn’t just the superficial town of Subang Jaya anymore. Thanks to everyone being connected online, you can see how perfect and flawless everyone looks not only on their profile pics, but constantly on your news feeed. Like anyone is going to consistently photoshop every single photo of themselves, get real. So obviously, everyone is going to obsess over how they look, leaving me the only one who didn’t get his eyebrows threaded and skin lasered.


Now, intellectual opinions about institutional propagation in culture to our generation and society, among other things, are only discussed with a few vague comments on a wall post, and then abandoned. People don’t think about things anymore. They just tell me i’m reading to much into it. Like I asked in my previous posts, when am I going to meet that vegetarian children’s  rights activist who doesn’t watch tv and doesn’t buy from big corporations? The one who will show me how to live life with real meaning and purpose, to everyday fight against popular culture to defend society’s standards and morals. Consumerism and conventions have made people docile and complacent, and without someone with real intellectual and artistic value to lead me, I will just be swept away in the postmodern tide.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 5:22 am


I hope everyone understands that I needed to be a little more strict with the comments. I used to have it open, but later I couldn’t cope with the spam so I had to make you all register an account. Sometimes the spam dies down, and I did switch it back to open-letter a few times last year, but sometimes even with the login-option I get spam accounts being registered. I personally preferred open comments, since that’s actually the point of my blog in the beginning. I wanted anyone to have a chance to give their opinion about things, and encourage sharing among people, like equally. Hmm, how hanging.

for more, visit http://940924.tumblr.com/

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Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 4:54 am




I got these pictures of Tia Hwang by watching Chocolat’s music video. I made my own screencaps and then picked these two cause I liked them. So please don’t sue me. Okay, for those of you who missed the explanation the first time, now you can learn why I have this constant obsession with having long or dyed hair. Also, I don’t even keep my hair that long, but you people keep yelling at me that it’s so super long and that it needs to chopped off urgently cause it’s cascading down my shoulders.

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Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 5:15 am


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Monday, 13 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 5:42 am



Sunday, 12 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Photos | Posted at 11:40 am


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Saturday, 11 February 2012

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 5:59 pm


What an awful start to the year! My twitter was hacked, as well as my e-mail! I had to change my passwords so many times! Instead of being able to start over, i’m still cleaning up after the messes from last year! So behind in spring cleaning, but there’s so much stuff, I just can’t cope! The house is a complete mess! This is so frustrating. My mom couldn’t start my sister’s car, so she asked me to have it jump-started, and after the person came, he told me that it’s the key’s fault! All my mom had to do was use the spare key instead! If i told my sister, she would just tell me that my mom is doing her best, and that I should just be grateful for it. I don’t understand how everyone around me can be so happy, yet still be so unsatisfied that they always want me to shut up.


Why do I have to come from such a superficial town? Forget about everyone having a gym membership so that they can drive to the gym to exercise. Forget about wearing expensive clothes just to step out and buy more beauty products. Absolutely everyone I see has a fresh nail-job, dye-job, hair-removal, and threading!  How am I supposed to react? How can you expect me not to be influenced?! Or at least pressured? Why does everyone have to be a model? Why is there an Overtime and a Library in SS15? I can’t achieve anything I have no one to look to for a good example. I need to see someone deal with all this in a graceful and rational way, so that I can learn from it. Don’t tell me I have to be the first person to form a movement against.

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Saturday, 31 December 2011

Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted at 3:56 pm


I can’t believe it’s already the new year. It’s been really one crazy hectic year, and I went through so much. I wish there were some good moments in all of it. I can’t believe the things I had to put up with. I should’ve had more time to live my own life and be happy, instead of being manipulated by selfish superficial people. I really hope that the next year I can save money, and surround myself with people who will encourage me and bring out the best in me. I really believe that one day I will have friends who influence me in a good way and appreciate what I do, instead of having to settle for people who only use me for rides and step on me. Last night Kevin said that i’m already really nice, which was actually my focus for the year that I decided on last year, so i guess i was quite happy with that. I don’t know, I just wish that I had time to accomplish the things that I wanted to accomplish instead of waste time being upset by what people did to me. It’s so hard to say goodbye to this year.