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Post 331

Okay, so I deleted my spam, changed my layout, am making some progress towards standardising my gif lengths. There wasn't really any purpose for the overhaul. In fact, i missed the way everything looked the moment I started messing with things. I figured since i'm updating some scripts and plugins anyway, there's no better time.
There's also the issue of a lot of my gifs becoming broken links. So there's that to fix. Which will take forever, considering the actual original gifs are gone and i can't re-upload them. It really was gonna happen eventually, and I still wouldn't have been able to decide what I want it to be like next.
So here I am, still, with the same issues, hearing it all a million times, and adamant as ever that I shouldn't have to be ashamed that i'm unhappy, that I should have the freedom to be dissatisfied with anything I want. In the end I don't know who's left more worn out from it. It has been made clear to me that there is an end, I just don't know how I'll get there. Everyone's looking on, there's all this concern - what is that going to look like for him? Meanwhile i'm too preoccupied with how decaying I look right now to even fathom what's to come.

Post 330


Post 329

It's Pauline's birthday! And my 329th post. So much has happened, and after so many unexpected things in my life, I'm so glad that I still have a home for my blog with Pauline. It's been a difficult few years, and out of everyone in my life, Pauline stayed, and continued to be there for me. I'm so thankful to her for her generosity all these years, and hopefully she'll continue to let me stay on here. There are so many blogposts on here that are about the same few things. And I still feel the same about them. Decades later I'm still hung up on trying to get people to prioritise me over their social media, or at least trying to find people in my life who would actually consider doing that in the first place. When you realise that everyone around you was actually scrolling their news feed the whole time, you're forced to question your place in all of it. Silver linings, a light at the end of the tunnel, blessings in disguise. You know, sometimes there aren't any, and life goes on. Even when you wonder if yours really should along with everyone else's. I don't know where to begin. After everything I've been through, I don't know how or why I'm always expected to stay super optimistic. But at the same time, be honest? I've told so many lies because I was desperate to hide from the truth - there really is no answer.