It’s strange, not just difficult. Everyday occurring similarly but it still feels like a new unpleasant surprise. I have no recourse and everyone can see that. Hard to watch, can’t look away. Pathetic. I’m just on thin ice, reacting everyday, keeping a precarious balance between some semblance of self-care and just surviving, even when there doesn’t seem to be much point. Seeing that even people much more capable still struggle, it really makes me wonder how I still manage to have hope for things, or maybe it’s just my compulsion to see what happens next.
Everything’s happened already. Every nice moment has already been and gone. Anyone who could’ve reached out already had. Every encouraging or reassuring text had already been received and read. I’ve already seen people’s kindness. I’d rather remember it how it is. That’s all, enough, why the insistence to stick around wanting more?
People have such amazing resilience, even from such devastation. It’s one of the amazing things to admire when I look around at people. It’s scary, cause not everyone can just start over every time. And sometimes you just can’t cause some things are permanent. But they always find a way. I don’t know if I want to, or if I even can.
That excitement and amusement from a simple exchange via text conversation, I never knew that was a feeling I’d find unfamiliar and have to try to remember. So many things are just so lost to me. Something so normal to everyone else in the world. I never thought that the most comfortable thing in the world to me would be turning away from someone and walking off.
This is the best place for me to exist. The best way for anyone to see what I am. I don’t know how I was ever that person that I used to be. I don’t even recognise that person anymore. I don’t think I can cope with the disappointment from people when they can’t find that in me anymore.
There’s no way that I can even begin to explain what happened. I remember being asked that as early as when I was sixteen. I still hope for things. That is still something that I know how to do – have hope. Just not for what you might think.
So much to get over, to have to deal with, let go of. I just don’t know where it will all lead. Everyone has this clear picture of exactly what happiness looks like. Nothing was ever fair to begin with. It was all a set up, and no matter how soon I found out, it wouldn’t have helped.
Those small things – being asked for, being looked for, being asked about. The evident good intentions behind trying then inevitably giving up. They were all so fleeting but all so important to me. This is why I don’t think it’s true that i’m unhappy. I definitely value it and hold onto it. I have that to remember.
I didn’t know that one day i’d see that looking down from the top floor at the crowd in the mall really is such a luxury. Especially if i’m there unnoticed. And if it’s on my own, it really feels like all of those bad things never happened.
You really could be right in front of someone but they’re not really present. Maybe present to someone else, on the other end of their text conversation. I still remember what it feels like when someone is present. Emotionally available. Willingly involving themselves. Taking an interest and showing it. And i wasn’t being told to smile more.
You can be surrounded by people and still be all alone. I give other people way too much credit for connecting people. Everyone seems to know what it means to be part of something, except me. And the rules say that it’s my fault. For not understanding, for not trying enough.
After so many years i still never learned. I still make no effort. Never empathizing enough with people who have to go through so much trouble to put up with me. It’s hard having me in your life. And it isn’t fair, i’m sure, cause other people get to be normal. And have their friend groups with all the other normal people.
Anything only ever goes wrong because i’m taking issue with something. Because i’m making problems for everyone. Out of nothing. For no real reason. Just to be difficult. And to make things difficult. For everyone. Who’s just trying to have a normal life.
Okay, so I deleted my spam, changed my layout, am making some progress towards standardising my gif lengths. There wasn’t really any purpose for the overhaul. In fact, i missed the way everything looked the moment I started messing with things. I figured since i’m updating some scripts and plugins anyway, there’s no better time. There’s also the issue of a lot of my gifs becoming broken links. So there’s that to fix. Which will take forever, considering the actual original gifs are gone and i can’t re-upload them. It really was gonna happen eventually, and I still wouldn’t have been able to decide what I want it to be like next. So here I am, still, with the same issues, hearing it all a million times, and adamant as ever that I shouldn’t have to be ashamed that i’m unhappy, that I should have the freedom to be dissatisfied with anything I want. In the end I don’t know who’s left more worn out from it. It has been made clear to me that there is an end, I just don’t know how I’ll get there. Everyone’s looking on, there’s all this concern – what is that going to look like for him? Meanwhile i’m too preoccupied with how decaying I look right now to even fathom what’s to come.
It’s Pauline’s birthday! And my 329th post. So much has happened, and after so many unexpected things in my life, I’m so glad that I still have a home for my blog with Pauline. It’s been a difficult few years, and out of everyone in my life, Pauline stayed, and continued to be there for me. I’m so thankful to her for her generosity all these years, and hopefully she’ll continue to let me stay on here.
There are so many blogposts on here that are about the same few things. And I still feel the same about them. Decades later I’m still hung up on trying to get people to prioritise me over their social media, or at least trying to find people in my life who would actually consider doing that in the first place. When you realise that everyone around you was actually scrolling their news feed the whole time, you’re forced to question your place in all of it. Silver linings, a light at the end of the tunnel, blessings in disguise. You know, sometimes there aren’t any, and life goes on. Even when you wonder if yours really should along with everyone else’s. I don’t know where to begin. After everything I’ve been through, I don’t know how or why I’m always expected to stay super optimistic. But at the same time, be honest? I’ve told so many lies because I was desperate to hide from the truth – there really is no answer.
I wish I could write more today, because new year’s eve is important to me. I feel that this day tends to reveal more truths to me than any other day in the whole year. Just now, someone texted back saying she couldn’t make it, and you would think that I’d be disappointed but I’m actually grateful. It just goes to show how often I instead just get ignored.
I really hated 2017. And I’m not just talking about the things that happened in my life. We lost Jonghyun. It was a terrible year in the strangest ways, and that’s without ignoring the good things, which were few and far between anyway. Granted that progress takes time, there was progress in the world nonetheless this year. The world has a long way to go but believing your victims is a good start. And this year gave me The Bold Type and Big Little Lies.
I have lived through enough to know that 2018 absolutely won’t be better, especially not just because its a new year with ‘untapped potential, a blank slate, a fresh start, another chance’. There’s no escape from self-hatred, certainly not just by a difference in date. Every second that goes by, I’m just getting older and that much closer to death, so there’s honestly nothing for anyone to see here. It’s okay, because I have plenty to keep me busy in the meantime. I don’t have time to wait for something good to happen, because I’ll be too busy dreading everything that could happen.
So i’m really out here, with a public twitter, instagram and snapchat profile. Like actually putting myself out there, as if i’m going to get interactions from followers in return. Way before my social media, I had this blog. When i think about my life before twitter, honestly it makes me really sad. Anyway, I was always here, publicly on my blog. So much information about me out in the open for anyone to read. I really thought I was super accessible. I still do think that. I guess what I was looking for wasn’t necessarily approval from everyone, but just from the right people. You can’t say that I made myself completely closed off from everyone and made it impossible for you to keep in touch with me.
Tomorrow morning is the TCAs. Not the Television Critics Association. The Teen Choice Awards. I know, I’m way over the target age group. It’s always been one of my favourite events. And not just because PLL has consistently cleaned up every year. I don’t know, I wish I could watch live, and join in on the live tweets, and be in on it, maybe even know what all the other normal people feel like.
People always ask me, why can’t you just get along with your sister? It’s as if all she is to me is my sister. Just my older sister who’s two years older than me, and went to the same music teachers with. And I was always the one making things so difficult, when all I had to do was just get on the matching roller skates, show up at the birthday parties, just smile for the family photos. Like just being with my sister, talking to her, spending time with her is the same way everyone else is with their sister. I don’t know if I’ve ever met someone who didn’t overlook how she’s so much more than that. Maybe someone might eventually come down from their conventional two-parent-household-high-horses and see how my relationship with her is so much more complicated than just brother-and-sister because I depend on her for everything and she was the only one there for me through so much. Having my older sister around, and being as close as possible to her at all times, it’s because I was always too scared to fully learn how to live any other way, and, from having so few people to trust even in such a big family, I would pick people to put on a pedestal and could never see anyone as anything other than either more or less than my sister. Yes I’m sure there are so many people who wouldn’t understand cause they didn’t know what growing up like that is like and it’s not their fault. But yes, I do blame them for thinking that everyone else had their same conventional upbringing.
For quite a while it’s been a struggle for me to come to terms with how different things were becoming between me and my sister. I really hated how I always had to compete against so many people for her attention.
She had another three days off work since coming back from her trip, so Aniza and I followed her to go out today. She went to Inglot and then took me to all the important obligatory visits to make when we’re out. And she bought me my first ever pair of high top sneakers. But i still have a lot to think about, I mean she already bought me two jackets from Zara last month, and she wouldn’t be in this position if my whole life I was taken care of adequately by the relevant appointed people accordingly. It’s unfair to her, and I wish they would own up and finally admit they’ve always leaned on her way too much.