Happy October! This year is really different. It’s pretty crazy. Last october I was miserable and really sad about a lot of stuff. This year I have different reasons to be miserable, so the fact that I don’t have to continue being miserable about the same things is great.
I don’t want everyone to leave and for me to be left alone here. Everything that happens to me, and everything I do because of it, is because I have no choice. I really wanted to go to Marche by movenpick, WIP, and Plan B. Even if I get a chance to go to Alexis it would at least be something!
I can’t believe i’ve been using my laptop for 4 years already. Raya Haji is this weekend. Where will everyone sit? Or rather, who will actually come? What will they eat? I can’t believe this is a raya photo from 5 years ago. I wonder if everything really was as simple as it seemed back then.
Once again, a blogpost with no comments. Not that I would need to announce that. Because no one would read it. Time and time again, everything that happens in my life shows me that no one reads my blog. I mean, had they read it, they would certainly have something to say about what I wrote. Or at least not ask me a question to which they could have got the answer simply by reading a few lines from one of my posts. Everything I want is too much to expect from everyone else. But nothing I do is good enough for anyone. It’s just really hurtful for people to constantly expect things from me while they could never so much as read at least my latest post. How come it’s only important if someone else needs something? I can’t be begging for help my whole life. Surely there’s someone in this world who actually wants to talk to me. Read the rest of this entry »
I know the state of this blog is disappointing, but things have been really crazy. I had a discussion with Misty about it, and for now I still don’t really have the words to describe everything that happened to me recently. I’m very thankful to the readers who still follow my blog, and i’m sorry if i disappointed anyone, but there’s a lot that had to be sorted out, and as of right now, I still haven’t figured out everything. While I was busy I relied on twitter to make some quick and brief updates about how i am, and those of you who follow me on twitter probably realise what happened between the blog posts.
Okay so it’s the last day of July, and i’m really sad as you could probably tell from my recent tweets. Another month gone. I feel like nothing impactful has happened throughout my life, nothing that helped me progress and develop into something or anything more. I can’t have it all, I need something to step to, to steady myself. I know it’s a pretty lame metaphor, but I feel like my life isn’t really going anywhere, because there’re no triggers. Like there’s no catalyst. I know it’s actually supposed to come from me, but how am I supposed to build my whole life from scratch? Like if it’s not chaotic and stressful just because i’m at a downswing trying to get back something i lost or fix something that’s broken like a showerhead, then there’s just stability but nothing great happens either, like my life is just constantly trying to avoid more losses and constantly dreading what’s the next bad thing that’s gonna happen, and because of that I feel like my mind is regressing. I’m becoming stupider. I didn’t even know that was possible. I feel like meeting many different types of people in life instead of inspiring me to achieve more or to expand my horizons, it just made me more scared and closed off from possibilities that i might lose my normal routine.
Living without photoshop is really sad. I downloaded Copy, an app that gives you 15GB of free storage. But honestly it’ll never be the same. I miss saving things onto your hard disk space. How am I supposed to let go of photos that I’ve taken, especially when that moment may never come again for me? Will i ever be in that situation with appropriate distance from the subject which was also coincidentally in good lighting? How am I supposed to cope with all this change? I just want to be free, I don’t want to be chained down by technology. I don’t want to have to be burdened by e-mail notifications. I just want to drop off the face of the earth.
When I heard that Rania was back with Just Go, I was more concerned about Jooyi’s lines than where Riko went. I just feel like after you’ve lived long enough, everything in your life can never match up to how happy you used to be. For some people, they say it’s cause you’ve peaked. For me, I just feel like i’m destined to be disappointed for the rest of my life. I can’t take living in fear everyday of my life, wondering what’s going to go wrong next. Hoping and praying so hard everytime I get in the car to go anywhere. It’s just too exhausting trying to keep up appearances and tell everyone that everything’s fine. People see me everyday and just say hey, and i’m more surprised than anyone that I actually got out of bed, got ready for my day somewhat and then appeared in front of unsuspecting people let alone was able to say hey back. Or maybe you only see what you want to see. I just feel so stressed, like I don’t know how people manage their lives and take care of themselves. I don’t understand, how i’m supposed to be on top of everything if i’m so vulnerable to everything right now. I just look at that picture and feel like, omg, she’s the most beautiful person in the whole world. Even when everything got really bad and it was all my fault, she knew that everyone blamed and me and didn’t want to let me feel bad. But the truth is even someone with the utmost compassion and the kindest heart wouldn’t want to be around me. Wouldn’t want to talk to me. Wouldn’t be wasting their time.
Eventually people see what I really am and then obviously don’t want me anymore. Ying Tian gave me a lot of advice and wanted me to be more confident, she couldn’t have possibly eyed me in such a hateful way, right? She couldn’t have possibly wanted to humiliate me in front of everyone, right? I don’t know why I keep being so desperate for people to show kindness for me, and I can’t seem to stop it. I watched Shumaine’s parents send her back from KL, with her dad and brother carrying her things and then unpacking for her, then her mom reverses her car out of the house for her while her dad holds the gate open, then he locks up the house and Shumaine gets into her car to go to work while her parents and brother endure the jam back to KL. I just looked on longingly. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe that there hasn’t been one person that i’ve seen of whom I don’t want their life. I feel so lonely everyday, I wonder why i would want to wait to die. At the same time, I don’t want to see anyone cause I don’t want them to see me like this. Cause if I take anyone’s help, there’s nothing I can give in return. And there’s always a catch. There’s always something I have to be aware of, something I need to guard myself from, always disappointment waiting to happen. It’s safer here by myself. We are born alone and die alone. My story isn’t something people like to hear. It’s hard to watch. It’s not news that would please anyone. I’m not news that would please anyone.
What a whirlwind the past month was. With every happy moment, there is always lonely one when it inevitably ends. What else do I have if not my siblings? I don’t know why I keep hearing Sistar19’s Gone Not Around Any Longer in my head. I knew what I was feeling inside was something that I couldn’t run away from for long. And I kept looking for opportunities to deceive myself into thinking I was fine. There was the Golden Globes, Chinese New Year, the Oscars. I was contemplating the possibility that the whole time I kept saying that I hate travelling, I actually was denying that I wanted to run away to Paige.
I want a new theme! I have no time to make my own from scratch, but I haven’t found any premades that I like either. In the past I used to make new themes for myself and switch up every month, partly because I thought I would continue having all the time in the world and also because I didn’t want to admit that a lot of my themes I was only deceiving myself to like. I’m glad this theme was something I was able to first of all find, and second of all actually serve it’s purpose quite well, and I didn’t mind sticking to it for so many years. I’m sure there are many people who would differ but nothing I can do about it now, cause I can’t find a good theme to replace it and even if I do, I think everything will end up getting completely messed up, especially my tags, dates, categories, and everything in the sidebar. I want to make good use of the “more” tag so that it’s easier to scroll through posts, so i’ll try and keep posts that have long or seemingly long-winded content trimmed to only the first paragraph before the tag, and hopefully my blog will look more tidy.
So this woman tells me that i might have paranoid personality disorder just because I think everyone talks bad about me. First of all, everyone really does talk bad about me, especially her. Secondly, of course she wouldn’t know what it’s like to be talked about behind your back because she’s popular and she never had to deal with anyone saying anything that ever damaged her reputation. Because it would still stand no matter what they say anyway! What could I possibly say that would make people hate her?! And who would listen to me anyway? She wouldn’t know what it’s like to have personal problems and be preoccupied with the humiliation and embarassment of mere mortal existence that I experience. When are people going to get off their high horses and stop harassing me, and open their eyes to see that i’m miserable enough already so they should be satisfied without having to make things worse for me!
I admit that I have given up before on overcoming my personal problems.
Read the rest of this entry »
Oh my gosh! 4minute has finally released the new Volume Up video! It looks amazing! They’re so gorgeous! If only they had informed us about the theme of this album earlier so that I would be more prepared. The whole thing seems to be happening so fast. Ironic, considering I was so impatient for it to be released.
A conflicted heart feeds off doubt and confusion. It will make you question your path, your tactics, your motives. When you stare ahead darkness is all you see. Only reason and determination can pull you back from the abyss. The greatest weapon anyone can use against us is our own mind. Always question where your loyalty lies. The people you trust will expect it, your greatest enemies will desire it and those you treasure the most will without fail, abuse it. Truth is a battle of perceptions. People only see what they’re prepared to confront. Its not what you look at that matters, but what you see. And when different perceptions battle against one another, the truth has a way of getting lost; and the monsters find a way of getting out.
But in reality our perception is often clouded; by expectations, by experiences. True loyalty takes years to build and only seconds to destroy. Some say that our lives are defined by the sum of our choices, but it’s not really our choices who distinguish who we are, it’s our commitment to them. Just as there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to every person. One that we reveal to the world and another we keep hidden inside. A duality governed by the balance of light and darkness. Within each of us is the capacity for both good and evil. But those of us who are able to blur the moral dividing line hold the true power.
I’ve been considering tumblr-ing as something that I want to start doing, I don’t know why something that I don’t understand seems to capture my interest. Also, speaking of tumblr, apparently there’s all this judgement among users about usage of bright colours, lack of originality which was actually a result of availability of the reblogging function, and making people feel bad about themselves under the guise of speaking your mind. It all seems really complicated, but fitting with the hypersegregation of contemporary culture clearly evident in age-defined internet use, tumblr caters to a specific target demographic so I can see how the users would want to fit into a niche, defining themselves based largely on what everyone else is currently doing. There’s all this throwing around of terms like mainstream, and originality. These were always big issues in my life, but until today, i’m still trying to figure out what it all means. Everyone has to have some kind of entertatinment-based identity, like taking sides before a war, except maybe there’s one that’s already begun. There’s a whole other world out here. It’s expected that in accordance with media influence, arising subcultures would each have a specific representation in some form of online community or another.
However, with the recent move towards social networking, there’s an arising culture of judging people based on their number of followers or friends, which is a manifestation of public identity many are affected by. Kids are being exposed to a lot because of this. We need to start asking ourselves why we are condemning people and things just because they are different and make us feel uncomfortable.
There’s always that girl, naturally skinny and with flawless complexion, she has a stay at home mom, a maid, is close to her sisters, has study groups with her best girlfriends, elected as head prefect, gets best student award every year, doesn’t need to work during school holidays. Don’t believe me, ask me who she is. People tell me that nobody’s perfect. Okay fine, actually my mom tells me nobody’s perfect. But seriously? Sure, maybe she’s not charitable, or she doesn’t recycle. But her parents are proud of her. My friends have told me really kind things like don’t compare yourself to other people, just do what makes you happy, and do the best you can for yourself. But seriously? In the school I went to, we were taught to compare ourselves in everything to everyone! Being the second oldest, how can I not compare myself to other people? I keep talking about all these bad influences in my life. Growing up in a superficial town, having parents who don’t speak BM and watch tv all the time, of being manipulated by girls who think they’re better than me because they’re popular. I know that if all this didn’t happen to me, I would have become a much better person than what I am today. My defeatist mentality, intolerance for physical activity, everything comes from those. I was ruined before I had the chance to know how to face anything, so please don’t tell me that I need to be more tough or resilient or determined or any of those things that I don’t see you demonstrate cause when something is inconvenient you either make me do stuff for you or you just vent to me! Okay, mostly that’s what my mom does, but I see other people do it too, like to other people if not me.
I hope everyone understands that I needed to be a little more strict with the comments. I used to have it open, but later I couldn’t cope with the spam so I had to make you all register an account. Sometimes the spam dies down, and I did switch it back to open-letter a few times last year, but sometimes even with the login-option I get spam accounts being registered. I personally preferred open comments, since that’s actually the point of my blog in the beginning. I wanted anyone to have a chance to give their opinion about things, and encourage sharing among people, like equally. Hmm, how hanging.
I got these pictures of Tia Hwang by watching Chocolat’s music video. I made my own screencaps and then picked these two cause I liked them. So please don’t sue me. Okay, for those of you who missed the explanation the first time, now you can learn why I have this constant obsession with having long or dyed hair. Also, I don’t even keep my hair that long, but you people keep yelling at me that it’s so super long and that it needs to chopped off urgently cause it’s cascading down my shoulders.
There are many issues and causes that, when I was younger, I always hoped that I would eventually be able to help or contribute to in the future. For example, I always thought of the need for an establishment that serves as a centre for support for mothers, but I guess we already have organizations like women’s aid, though i’m not sure if it includes it. Anyway, something else that I won’t have any means to lend myself to anytime soon is the epidemic of peer group rejection, especially chronic peer exclusion. Being a victim of both passive and active aggression in school, you would think that i’d be very passionate about this subject. I honestly now think that this is something that will go on forever, I don’t know why in life I have just become more and more hopeless about it. I hope one day that that more people will bring more awareness to this matter, and that more people will be educated about how severe this can be and the steps that we need to take in order to overcome this.
There are a few dvds that I want to buy. Among them are, The Roommate, Black Swan, Life as We Know it, Burlesque, Something Borrowed, and Red Riding Hood. I feel that it’s so unfair that I missed all of these last time, so I want to watch them all as soon as I can.
I often find myself looking to confide in someone but in all the wrong places. I’ve always known I can be naive and too trusting. But what else can I do? There are all these expectations for me to be this normal healthy person but i’ve had so many doors shut in my face, I need to hear something different, find a more whole perspective of life, and just see if everyone does think the same of me. Sometimes I wonder why i’m willing to talk to people at all, since clearly i’m not worth the time of day. Can I ever find what I need emotionally? Do I deserve to? I don’t mean to keep putting people off by being so self-deprecating. They say i’ve no self-esteem, it’s just my fashion. Maybe i’m just permanently broken. Beyond repair. Or maybe i want to be.
I don’t know the correct term, but I often hear it referred to as Lunar New Year. It’s that time of year again! Let’s enjoy the sales, festive music, and see if this is finally your year of luck, prosperity and good fortune. Unfortunately, I don’t look good in red, but if there’s one person who does, it must be my adorable cousin. Vanessa was amazing in her performance! She’s so pretty, just lights up the stage, and overall so captivating, I was so lucky to get to watch. It’s what magnificent reunion dinners are made of. I’d have uploaded a video, but my connection is slow.
It’s been almost a week since I last drove. A car. It’s nice. I’m so free, no obligation to have to be somewhere, to send or fetch anyone. I feel so relaxed. I don’t even have to see the car sitting there anymore. I think I don’t have nightmares about the car accidents that I had anymore. I don’t know when I’ll ever try to drive again, not really looking forward to it.
Being a bad driver is so not nice. I’ve been struggling with the issue of driving, I don’t know how do I live with myself after having caused so many car accidents. To think that they were all stationary objects. And those were the ones I know of. Like, imagine later, when I have to drive again, and then I have moving objects to deal with. All this time I was lucky enough that they have the good sense to avoid me, but I think it’s only a matter of time. I try not to do anything dangerous that other drivers have to swerve away to avoid. I even get mixed up referring to other people on the road as cars instead of drivers. But drivers are the employed ones, so should I say road users? Or motorists?
When I finished Overnight Socialite I was a bit disappointed. Eloise dumped Trip, and although Lucy seemingly forgave Wyatt, their last moment was him leaving her show. There’re a lot of vague things, like how Lucy was able to get to know anyone other than Max, Parker, and Theo, since after all, all she ever does was stick to Eloise, which kind of irritated me. Maybe I should write more about this next time? I don’t know, I was really pleased with most chapters, but i’m still left with this feeling of why did I buy that book?
So I finally went out and bought Overnight Socialite by Bridie Clark, and so far I really love it. It’s so amazing how all-encompassing an anthropological perspective can be. Since Aniza’s piano lesson was at Yamaha Parade this morning, my sister took me to MPH during to look for my book, and while I was there I considered LA Candy which I always said that I wanted so much, but I was disappointed at how spaced out the print was! Also, it’s very expensive so I thought I would wait till next time. I’m so behind, I haven’t read LA Candy and I still have Sweet Little Lies to read. On another note, I really want to watch Pretty Little Liars. I wasn’t that impressed with one episode that I wasn’t fully able to understand/follow, but it seemed juicy.
Time for another wish list! I can’t believe how indulgent i’m being.
- Fallen Lauren Kate
- Torment A Fallen Novel Lauren Kate
Yes, the same series, what a list, i know. I don’t know when i’ll ever get started on those but I hope I get the chance to one day.
I shouldn’t be doing this. Being indulgent is one of the main things I (and we all) hate about my dad. All the lounging about, excessive sleeping, decadent food. It all screams elitist and hedonistic. I can’t believe i’m an equally vapid and ostentatious brat who is desperate for any kind of unnecessary luxury. I never imagined I would end up this bad. Me, sinking as low as my dad, into further depths of depravity. I hate that I succumb so much to things like tv, music, expensive food. I have absolutely no self-control and it’s really humiliating. Today, my sister made chocolate tart, and I had one slice after lunch and two slices after dinner. Besides how overly forbearing i am with my cravings, I clearly have to curb my addiction to caffeine!
I asked my mom something that I never even thought of talking about with her — her first date. She herself was surprised that a) i’m only asking her now and b) she never felt the need to tell anyone herself. Well, she was sixteen, and she wore a short-sleeved top with a l0ng skirt, and it was dinner at a steakhouse and a movie. Okay, I have to think of more questions to ask my mom about her life omfg! I mean, I know a lot of people who have a lot of stuff to say about their lives but are no longer as lucid as they used to be. Actually, i’m no longer as lucid as i used to (or am supposed to) be.
You can’t walk through life just being a socialite. Knowing people and attending parties doesn’t actually mean you have a real friendship with them. When you start anywhere you want to embrace the people around you. You try to take what you can from what they do, learn from it, and try it yourself. If you look at any successful woman you’ll surely see that she didn’t operate just within her job description in order to be promoted to such a high position. She obviously had to go above and beyond. Don’t come to me throwing around names of people you know. It’s not like you actually ever did anything for them. I don’t care how many people you know, or how famous you are, I just want to know what you’re trying to represent with all this behavior. It’s ridiculous to watch a girl receive so much recognition and attention because of her existing fame and social status. There are work horses and show ponies. There are top ten percenters: the top 10% that end up doing 90% of the work and outperforming 90% of their peers. You don’t necessarily need to be the smartest or have the best connections to be in this category, to be in this category you need to go above and beyond.When you start out anywhere you have a rare opportunity to work closely with people who are extremely knowledgeable, hard working, and experienced and instead of using that to her advantage and learning from it she’s choosing to stick her nose in the air. At the end of the day if you do well, it’s going to benefit the people you represent. Honestly, I would never wish for anyone to come back and fail, because that’s, one, more work for everyone else, and, two, it doesn’t make you look great and that reflects on everybody.You don’t get places by JUST doing your job, you get places by building relationships and working above the job description. “I’m not here for that, I’m just here for this,”. Well, you’re here now. Is it my fault that you’re here? It’s not my problem if you can’t handle it here, everyone else has enough to do already without having to hold your hand. Everyone else worked up the ranks; likely from producing exceptional work–not skating by with mediocre work. “So what if I didn’t show up, everyone else skipped out the whole week,”. Don’t compare yourself to anyone but yourself. No matter how good or bad everyone else is doing, the only person you are competing against is with yourself. If you don’t know who you are and what you want, I can’t help you.
Also, I have to go out and buy more wrapper. That day when I was shopping with my mom and siblings, we were supposed to get wrapper but I forgot.
Yesterday morning my mom watched Taken on starmovies. Ever since that movie whenever someone leaves she has to tell them not to get kidnapped and says that she won’t be able to save them.