Happy October! This year is really different. It’s pretty crazy. Last october I was miserable and really sad about a lot of stuff. This year I have different reasons to be miserable, so the fact that I don’t have to continue being miserable about the same things is great.
I don’t want everyone to leave and for me to be left alone here. Everything that happens to me, and everything I do because of it, is because I have no choice. I really wanted to go to Marche by movenpick, WIP, and Plan B. Even if I get a chance to go to Alexis it would at least be something!
I can’t believe i’ve been using my laptop for 4 years already. Raya Haji is this weekend. Where will everyone sit? Or rather, who will actually come? What will they eat? I can’t believe this is a raya photo from 5 years ago. I wonder if everything really was as simple as it seemed back then.
Once again, a blogpost with no comments. Not that I would need to announce that. Because no one would read it. Time and time again, everything that happens in my life shows me that no one reads my blog. I mean, had they read it, they would certainly have something to say about what I wrote. Or at least not ask me a question to which they could have got the answer simply by reading a few lines from one of my posts. Everything I want is too much to expect from everyone else. But nothing I do is good enough for anyone. It’s just really hurtful for people to constantly expect things from me while they could never so much as read at least my latest post. How come it’s only important if someone else needs something? I can’t be begging for help my whole life. Surely there’s someone in this world who actually wants to talk to me. Continue reading
I know the state of this blog is disappointing, but things have been really crazy. I had a discussion with Misty about it, and for now I still don’t really have the words to describe everything that happened to me recently. I’m very thankful to the readers who still follow my blog, and i’m sorry if i disappointed anyone, but there’s a lot that had to be sorted out, and as of right now, I still haven’t figured out everything. While I was busy I relied on twitter to make some quick and brief updates about how i am, and those of you who follow me on twitter probably realise what happened between the blog posts.
Okay so it’s the last day of July, and i’m really sad as you could probably tell from my recent tweets. Another month gone. I feel like nothing impactful has happened throughout my life, nothing that helped me progress and develop into something or anything more. I can’t have it all, I need something to step to, to steady myself. I know it’s a pretty lame metaphor, but I feel like my life isn’t really going anywhere, because there’re no triggers. Like there’s no catalyst. I know it’s actually supposed to come from me, but how am I supposed to build my whole life from scratch? Like if it’s not chaotic and stressful just because i’m at a downswing trying to get back something i lost or fix something that’s broken like a showerhead, then there’s just stability but nothing great happens either, like my life is just constantly trying to avoid more losses and constantly dreading what’s the next bad thing that’s gonna happen, and because of that I feel like my mind is regressing. I’m becoming stupider. I didn’t even know that was possible. I feel like meeting many different types of people in life instead of inspiring me to achieve more or to expand my horizons, it just made me more scared and closed off from possibilities that i might lose my normal routine.
Living without photoshop is really sad. I downloaded Copy, an app that gives you 15GB of free storage. But honestly it’ll never be the same. I miss saving things onto your hard disk space. How am I supposed to let go of photos that I’ve taken, especially when that moment may never come again for me? Will i ever be in that situation with appropriate distance from the subject which was also coincidentally in good lighting? How am I supposed to cope with all this change? I just want to be free, I don’t want to be chained down by technology. I don’t want to have to be burdened by e-mail notifications. I just want to drop off the face of the earth.
When I heard that Rania was back with Just Go, I was more concerned about Jooyi’s lines than where Riko went. I just feel like after you’ve lived long enough, everything in your life can never match up to how happy you used to be. For some people, they say it’s cause you’ve peaked. For me, I just feel like i’m destined to be disappointed for the rest of my life. I can’t take living in fear everyday of my life, wondering what’s going to go wrong next. Hoping and praying so hard everytime I get in the car to go anywhere. It’s just too exhausting trying to keep up appearances and tell everyone that everything’s fine. People see me everyday and just say hey, and i’m more surprised than anyone that I actually got out of bed, got ready for my day somewhat and then appeared in front of unsuspecting people let alone was able to say hey back. Or maybe you only see what you want to see. I just feel so stressed, like I don’t know how people manage their lives and take care of themselves. I don’t understand, how i’m supposed to be on top of everything if i’m so vulnerable to everything right now. I just look at that picture and feel like, omg, she’s the most beautiful person in the whole world. Even when everything got really bad and it was all my fault, she knew that everyone blamed and me and didn’t want to let me feel bad. But the truth is even someone with the utmost compassion and the kindest heart wouldn’t want to be around me. Wouldn’t want to talk to me. Wouldn’t be wasting their time.
Eventually people see what I really am and then obviously don’t want me anymore. Ying Tian gave me a lot of advice and wanted me to be more confident, she couldn’t have possibly eyed me in such a hateful way, right? She couldn’t have possibly wanted to humiliate me in front of everyone, right? I don’t know why I keep being so desperate for people to show kindness for me, and I can’t seem to stop it. I watched Shumaine’s parents send her back from KL, with her dad and brother carrying her things and then unpacking for her, then her mom reverses her car out of the house for her while her dad holds the gate open, then he locks up the house and Shumaine gets into her car to go to work while her parents and brother endure the jam back to KL. I just looked on longingly. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe that there hasn’t been one person that i’ve seen of whom I don’t want their life. I feel so lonely everyday, I wonder why i would want to wait to die. At the same time, I don’t want to see anyone cause I don’t want them to see me like this. Cause if I take anyone’s help, there’s nothing I can give in return. And there’s always a catch. There’s always something I have to be aware of, something I need to guard myself from, always disappointment waiting to happen. It’s safer here by myself. We are born alone and die alone. My story isn’t something people like to hear. It’s hard to watch. It’s not news that would please anyone. I’m not news that would please anyone.
What a whirlwind the past month was. With every happy moment, there is always lonely one when it inevitably ends. What else do I have if not my siblings? I don’t know why I keep hearing Sistar19’s Gone Not Around Any Longer in my head. I knew what I was feeling inside was something that I couldn’t run away from for long. And I kept looking for opportunities to deceive myself into thinking I was fine. There was the Golden Globes, Chinese New Year, the Oscars. I was contemplating the possibility that the whole time I kept saying that I hate travelling, I actually was denying that I wanted to run away to Paige.
I want a new theme! I have no time to make my own from scratch, but I haven’t found any premades that I like either. In the past I used to make new themes for myself and switch up every month, partly because I thought I would continue having all the time in the world and also because I didn’t want to admit that a lot of my themes I was only deceiving myself to like. I’m glad this theme was something I was able to first of all find, and second of all actually serve it’s purpose quite well, and I didn’t mind sticking to it for so many years. I’m sure there are many people who would differ but nothing I can do about it now, cause I can’t find a good theme to replace it and even if I do, I think everything will end up getting completely messed up, especially my tags, dates, categories, and everything in the sidebar. I want to make good use of the “more” tag so that it’s easier to scroll through posts, so i’ll try and keep posts that have long or seemingly long-winded content trimmed to only the first paragraph before the tag, and hopefully my blog will look more tidy.
So this woman tells me that i might have paranoid personality disorder just because I think everyone talks bad about me. First of all, everyone really does talk bad about me, especially her. Secondly, of course she wouldn’t know what it’s like to be talked about behind your back because she’s popular and she never had to deal with anyone saying anything that ever damaged her reputation. Because it would still stand no matter what they say anyway! What could I possibly say that would make people hate her?! And who would listen to me anyway? She wouldn’t know what it’s like to have personal problems and be preoccupied with the humiliation and embarassment of mere mortal existence that I experience. When are people going to get off their high horses and stop harassing me, and open their eyes to see that i’m miserable enough already so they should be satisfied without having to make things worse for me!
I admit that I have given up before on overcoming my personal problems.
Oh my gosh! 4minute has finally released the new Volume Up video! It looks amazing! They’re so gorgeous! If only they had informed us about the theme of this album earlier so that I would be more prepared. The whole thing seems to be happening so fast. Ironic, considering I was so impatient for it to be released.
A conflicted heart feeds off doubt and confusion. It will make you question your path, your tactics, your motives. When you stare ahead darkness is all you see. Only reason and determination can pull you back from the abyss. The greatest weapon anyone can use against us is our own mind. Always question where your loyalty lies. The people you trust will expect it, your greatest enemies will desire it and those you treasure the most will without fail, abuse it. Truth is a battle of perceptions. People only see what they’re prepared to confront. Its not what you look at that matters, but what you see. And when different perceptions battle against one another, the truth has a way of getting lost; and the monsters find a way of getting out.
But in reality our perception is often clouded; by expectations, by experiences. True loyalty takes years to build and only seconds to destroy. Some say that our lives are defined by the sum of our choices, but it’s not really our choices who distinguish who we are, it’s our commitment to them. Just as there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to every person. One that we reveal to the world and another we keep hidden inside. A duality governed by the balance of light and darkness. Within each of us is the capacity for both good and evil. But those of us who are able to blur the moral dividing line hold the true power.