Well, the iHeart Summer 2017 only premieres on 23 June, so it’s only fitting cause i’ll only be able to watch it once it’s raya on the 25th.
It’s funny how back then I already thought my dark circles were bad.
I really do think it feels like nothing’s changed, but i’m sure if i went back to my old room i’d feel a lot different. I guess for a while, i was free and was able to take my life back. It’s insane how I really never thought of how life could get much worse than it already was. Like beyond anything I would have expected.
I wonder if it ever really was about who was around me, because i feel like i’m still the same person and things would always just be hard.
I feel lost a lot, and i often wonder how a person can fathom going the rest of their lives feeling the way they do. I look back at those times when I was younger, I never used to be able to tell if it was harder back then. I know that it was really difficult for me to think of the future, because at that point i really couldn’t imagine what would happen to me next. I was always dreading how much worse things would get. People always tell me, “you’ve come this far, look at where you are now”. But i don’t even know what i came far from. Is it simply the fact that i lived through what I did? Sure, I suppose I “kept going”. But I didn’t make it through anything. I never overcame any of it. Sometimes in life, you can’t know if you’re trying enough or getting there, because sometimes there’s just no way of knowing. Sometimes you’re just stuck.
So apparently aethereality.net has closed down! So has blinding-light.com! My favourite is in-genesis.com, and it’s still running. I visited day dream graphics after so long. I used to submit my work to day dream graphics in hope that they’ll publish it. Of course, back then no one considered what I did as art. In fact, even now people still don’t recognize it, thinking of it as less than doodling. Anyway, everyone’s asking each other how many days off they get from their respective jobs, and whether or not they get a long weekend. I don’t mind people asking me how much I make, to which the answer is none. I don’t mind people asking me about still living with my parents. In fact, i kind of like to hear about their jobs. What I do mind is their opinion about my unemployment. It’s so much more complicated than something I can just explain to someone I just met. My life is complicated. I can’t make it more palatable for you. I don’t understand, they seem to think that they can read me and my circumstances instantly, but that’s not the truth, cause there’s so much more to it. I guess I let myself fall into the category of conversation based on the occassional dye-job compliment. After which is followed by a lull.