Post 334

That excitement and amusement from a simple exchange via text conversation, I never knew that was a feeling I’d find unfamiliar and have to try to remember. So many things are just so lost to me. Something so normal to everyone else in the world. I never thought that the most comfortable thing in the world to me would be turning away from someone and walking off.

This is the best place for me to exist. The best way for anyone to see what I am. I don’t know how I was ever that person that I used to be. I don’t even recognise that person anymore. I don’t think I can cope with the disappointment from people when they can’t find that in me anymore.

There’s no way that I can even begin to explain what happened. I remember being asked that as early as when I was sixteen. I still hope for things. That is still something that I know how to do – have hope. Just not for what you might think.

So much to get over, to have to deal with, let go of. I just don’t know where it will all lead. Everyone has this clear picture of exactly what happiness looks like. Nothing was ever fair to begin with. It was all a set up, and no matter how soon I found out, it wouldn’t have helped.

Those small things – being asked for, being looked for, being asked about. The evident good intentions behind trying then inevitably giving up. They were all so fleeting but all so important to me. This is why I don’t think it’s true that i’m unhappy. I definitely value it and hold onto it. I have that to remember.

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