i don’t even know why i’m always tired. probably from holding on to too many things that i should’ve let go a long time ago
— 🌹 (@itsheynuuuh) December 27, 2016
Well, what better time is there to blog? Probably plenty, but i don’t know if any of them will fall into my lap. My blog is here for when the better times escape my reach. Every so often, you declare that you just can’t take it and then desperately try to temporarily not think about the bad things that you did and put everything that’s wrong with you to the side just for a minute. In that calm before the storm, when you’re holding on irrationally to that hope that it would last, you fend off the dread of the next argument. The next fight, the next fallout. Finding out the end of the short interval. Just coil up and shut my eyes tight, as if it would help me brace myself when it inevitably approaches.
Yesterday, my sister took me to brunch at The Coffee Barun and today she took me to Nest Bistro. Everyone fights over her, and wants her attention for themselves, and it makes me wonder what will happen one day when i inevitably won’t get as much quality time with her anymore. What sort of intervals will my life consist of then?
Tomorrow morning will be the Golden Globes. There are already countdowns that have stared. Some people will have things to be excited about. Twitter is gonna blow up with red carpet arrival photos and acceptance speeches. Everyone’s timeline is gonna be so lit. In so much haste, forgetting the underlying question of representation despite being driven in the first place by the hope we attach to it. Another event, and like the others, it’ll pass. And then i realise, it’s just another day after all.
Maybe it’s too early to tell?
I feel like there was never any use believing everyone about everyday being a new day with new possibilities and hope and another chance for things to be better. It’s nothing more than room for more mistakes. New ones in ways i didn’t think possible. And with new mistakes, new ways of feeling humiliated.
Right and wrong, good and bad, calories and kilograms. So many years, and still so uncertain about it all.
A new year doesn’t help you leave everything bad behind. I’m still going to live every day paying for what I did in all the years past. A new year isn’t going to free me from that.
We’re always going to be held to standards, there’s always going to be judgement. I’m still me. I’m always going to be less than. Why would I think that anything would ever change?