December 2016

Post 296

I don't know if there's anything for me to look back fondly on this past year. I don't know if i could say that 2016 was a year that I had any instance of being happy. Nonetheless, every year that i bid goodbye to is a loss to mourn. It's strange. It's not like there's nothing I have to look forward to in 2017. There are so many things i'm dreading in 2017. There's nothing to want. There's just everything to fear, cowering under the inevitable. Just another year that passes, just another year that i'm that much older, another year my age becomes that much more unforgiving. So many times over, every year, there's just no answer. No possible way for things to be okay again unless a miracle happens. I'm still a slave to circumstance, just stuck. I don't know how much more of it i'm supposed to take. Once again, expected to make the coming year better somehow, without any real way to. Another year draws to a close where nothing panned out for me and it's all my fault. Another new year's eve where i feel helpless, but i shouldn't because it's irrational and not trying hard enough. There's nothing left to do but hope that i can at least appear to face it with grace, feign a calm reaction, remain reasonably upright. I want to wish everyone a happy new year. If i could hold back my jealousy. I don't know what will happen, and i believe my doubts are valid. So, no guarantees. We'll just have to see how i come out of this. And whether it's gonna be this time around, or the last time ever.

Post 295

Sometimes, everything in your life could look really good, especially on paper. You're where you want to be, and you've found that predictability and normalcy that fulfils your body's desperate need for healthy routines. But life is funny, in that you could somehow just feel that you're sitting next to the wrong person, that you feel their smile just isn't wide enough, your hands never felt quite right together, or their name always sat odd on your tongue when saying it. Sometimes there's just no exact reason or explanation for what your heart wants, and you find yourself attempting to smile about things the way your friends expect a person who's so close with their family would. There's this thing that i had in the past. This habit, where i would put certain people on a pedestal. Everyone seems to think i have such impossible standards. But the truth is, i really don't think it takes much to get on my good side. I'm so easily impressed, and if you've seen me gush about colleagues or bosses you would even think i'm really naive, easily influenced, and so trusting of people who so much as give one polite commendation. You really could just say you're a vegetarian, you recycle, support neopronouns, have awareness about marginalised groups, or just know how to use the influence you have for those not as privileged as you; and you'd be on my shortlist. Everyone sometimes does things that are driven by the qualities they wish they had. My motivations just happen to be the things that i don't like about myself. It's a complicated thing, when how you feel about yourself affects so much your interactions with people around you. So anyway, here i am again. Another new year's eve, desperately trying to cling to this ending year because i'm so afraid of what's to come. Everyone around me has their plans with important people for ringing in the new year. For me, regardless what the date is, it's just another day waiting for something that's never gonna happen. I'll always just be me. It's something that I always thought I wanted, but i'm transparent enough that people are able to see right through that, before I even realised it myself.

Post 294

I feel lost a lot, and i often wonder how a person can fathom going the rest of their lives feeling the way they do. I look back at those times when I was younger, I never used to be able to tell if it was harder back then. I know that it was really difficult for me to think of the future, because at that point i really couldn't imagine what would happen to me next. I was always dreading how much worse things would get. People always tell me, "you've come this far, look at where you are now". But i don't even know what i came far from. Is it simply the fact that i lived through what I did? Sure, I suppose I "kept going". But I didn't make it through anything. I never overcame any of it. Sometimes in life, you can't know if you're trying enough or getting there, because sometimes there's just no way of knowing. Sometimes you're just stuck.

Post 293

Ellen Pompeo TGIT Ellen Pompeo TGIT Ellen Pompeo TGIT