November 2016

Post 289

This is your movie, the rest of us are just watching it. It's your world and I just live in it.

So i've been working on cleaning up all the spam that's been accumulating in my comments. Believe me, i really do miss the times when my comments were open and you didn't have to register with my site. I don't know how everything got so complicated. Truth is, if not for spam, who else is going to comment on my blog? Time and time again, everything that happens in my life shows me that no one reads my blog. I mean, had they read it, they would certainly have some answers to the questions they have about what i might be upset about. When I think about the car accidents I've been in, I really have to wonder what I actually avoided. It was never raining, and it was always during the day. Coming out of the other end unscathed with everyone else taking the fall and helping me out of it, what were they really trying to accomplish? I'm here now, but that doesn't really help anyone either. Growing up, my mom told me to be thankful for my siblings, that i’m lucky to have been born into such a big family. There was nothing that I brought to the table that someone else couldn’t. No one else would ever care about me as much as my family does. This is as good as it would ever get for me. And if I didn’t like it, there wouldn’t be any point looking for anything else cause there would be nothing better. No one else would feel i’m worth anything. Except maybe a menial task. Or two. Because that's how easily people can replace me. So it's the finale week of Neighbours. Everyone is wrapping up their year. In neat, brightly-coloured bows. Everyone i know has their storylines for the year coming to a close, with things to celebrate, and accomplishments to talk about. And things to look forward to next year. It doesn't take much for me to be reminded of my dread for holiday season - it doesn't even have to be that close, or in my face. It's strange; when I was younger I loved the decorations at the all malls, and was eager to take photos with christmas trees. I don't think it's necessarily that things changed, rather they just went downhill. Just add another item to the list of things I hate. Good things just don't last. People don't run out of kindness to you, they just move on to better things.

Post 288

I've spent years trying to avoid the question of what i have to offer. Some people are too difficult to have around. What they say, the things they do, it can get exhausting. When people shift in their seat across from me, the lull in the conversation makes it clear that i'm just time they'll never get back. If the seatbelt alarm goes off it's always me. Someone to criticise, someone to blame, sure, but that's pretty much it. There's not much i'm good for. I don't think i could even call myself human. That i could even come close to being a real person. It's something I wish i could have. I want that feeling of being like them, people with places to be, people that deserve respect and dignity. It was long ago, but I remember being around people. Birthday parties, collecting exam results, prize-giving ceremonies. That instance when someone considers how you feel when they choose what to say to you, I remember it clear as day and i want to keep it with me forever. I felt younger than I really was, among people who were so generous, I didn't realise it wouldn't last. I really thought I could mean something to someone, and now i'm here, recognising my false hopes for what they really were. They have important things in their lives now. There's just no reason for them to want me especially now. Without anything left for me to hide behind, you can see i'm not worth anything. Sometimes in life, things happen, it can consume you, and you can lose sight of yourself. I didn't even know who I was. And now here i am a decade later, still unable to drag myself out from underneath it all. Be true to yourself, follow your heart, live each day to the fullest, and it will lead you to your happiness. You deserve it. But it's not for everyone. And I just don't think it's for me. This, like most others, is an uncategorised post, because if you want to know me, you wouldn't categorise my feelings.

Post 287