July 2016

Post 281

Okay, so I was watching the online broadcast of the NCL Summer Congregations 2016 which took place in the Banqueting Hall of Newcastle Civic Centre. It was a really beautiful ceremony, and it really made me wonder why I didn't appreciate my own. Like, I kind of hated mine. It's such a huge deal for most people, and I feel so fortunate to be able to see Melissa go on stage. Wow, there are even NCL students who bought graduation jewellery. I wish I could visit Kyra in Brisbane. I'm so bad at planning stuff, especially when it comes to finances. Like i'm just blowing through my earnings every single day. Another tuesday night, another episode of bachelorette, another round of aimlessly scrolling through twitter before bed.

Post 280

I don't have to triage people's interactions with me. No, I don't have so many people trying to get in touch with me that I have to prioritize some and put others on hold. I just know who I am, who I can trust, and who I don't want in my life, that's all. If someone who has been insincere to me in the past tries to get in touch with me, then I just won't bother. It's not because i'm so important that I have to only urgently attend people who are worth the publicity. I don't have people waiting on my next travel update or profile photo. I don't have any pressure to fulfill any expectations of being a socialite. I don't talk to people based on whether or not it gets me good press. I don't want to be those people who only to talks to someone if they can boost their image. I don't need to go somewhere just to have a photo of me being there. I already know what I want, and although I often am not able to do it, I have always known that people won't be that interested. They never have and never will change their mind about me. They're all very certain about how relevant I am. Nothing I do is ever gonna be something that people like to follow. All I have ever wanted my whole life was just space to be who I am. And I have been as real as I could, considering that constant judgement from everyone. I know who I am and I know what I like. You can condemn reality shows and entertainment news all you want, but I will always like it. That's just me! I know you want me to think that you're concerned. Like, if I don't have interests that are the same as everyone else, then no one will ever like talking to me and then my life is gonna suck. But it already does! You think you can tell me that I have to worry about behaving in a certain way in order to take care of my reputation (and thus your image) because I don't want people hating me. The thing is, I don't want people being my friend if they don't know the real me! If you deign to talk to me because your evaluation of my social media and reputation deems me harmless to your image and that's it, then I don't want you in my life. You want me to think that no one can ever appreciate any of my real messy personality. You might be right. But i'd rather be alone than have fake people in my life. I don't want people in my life who don't appreciate me.

Post 279

So, Adila turns 20 today, so Happy Birthday Adila! I'm so sad that I won't be able to make it for Rabi's big day next week! I haven't seen her for so long and miss her so much. Well, Aniza had an emergency and needed me to get her math book to her. We coordinated it so that I pass it to her while she excuses herself from class for the bathroom. I was on school grounds without having to report to teachers or security, and she came right back to class with her math book without her teacher suspecting a thing! I feel like an undercover agent or something, like that was good, right? "Why can't I have a normal life?" It's a strange expression to hear. Especially when so many people I see in the world actually lead extraordinary lives and have extraordinary accomplishments. I feel like that perception of a normal life is antiquated. It's also a polarising statement. Happiness is not and shouldn't be, exclusive to "normal" people with "normal" lives. Referring to any particular lifestyle or culture as normal appropriates exclusivity of so-called normal people. We live in a world with many different people, and thus we're supposed to embrace diversity, and encourage equal opportunity for all. Everyone should have the chance to feel respected, appreciated, and celebrated. Not just the people that you think matter. Not just your squad. So, it's raya eve, and every year I have that awful feeling because of how other kids have their dads cooking rendang while my dad does absolutely nothing. Raya has the ability to show me how strongly I feel about my dad. I have to have his name in my name. For the rest of my life. You know, if you don't have a relationship with your dad, it's okay. Not everyone's dad is the same. And I already know who really is there for me, and who really raised me.