April 2016

Post 274

I start to think that if the person I thought I trusted is so concerned with their convenience, then what does that say about my choices and who I put my trust in? I feel like I just live for people’s amusement, so they can look at my life and laugh at me. Look at what I went through and shake their heads at me. So they can know what I am and feel better about themselves. Maybe I was never alone. People were always around, always there to judge. People who have so much to say, who have their opinions and have so much time to share. People like to put in all this effort when it comes their turn to chide me for what i’ve made with my life. And that has always been the extent of their involvement. This pervading issue in my life is something that i've discussed before. For instance, when my family dynamics affected me in closely similar ways in 2012. It was always made very clear to me whether or not I was normal. And if I deserved any of the perks normal people had. There was so much uncertainty, especially considering there was no real father figure in my life for a long time, and seeing someone’s behaviour to you in that circumstance can teach you a lot. Seeing someone act on their priorities teaches you how much you matter to them.