March 2016

Post 273

I have mentioned this issue in previous blog posts, and it's something that a really kind and selfless person heard me out about, on more than one occasion. There will always be people in your life who will tell you that they care a lot about you, that you should care about them in return, and that there won't be anyone else who cares about you as much. It's hurtful having people in my life who always tell me their opinion about me without worrying about how i'll feel. Cause if you're saying it like that, you obviously don't care how i feel. People are always pushing their opinions on me. People are always criticising me and expect me to still look up to them. When there's something going on with me, it's just an inconvenience to you. Another thing you have to hear about at length, and have to feign interest in. I think it's easy to tell if someone cares about you, especially when they only have a big reaction when something affects their convenience. And they talk about it way more than they would ever talk to you about how you feel about something. They're furious whenever something inconveniences them, but they don't think you should be angry if they inconvenience you. There will always be people in your life that expect you to constantly listen to them talk about their lives and then they don't take an active interest in your own. If it's just anyone who does that to me, i wouldn't be surprised, it wouldn't be an issue. It's convenient for you if i feel bad about myself, that way it's easier for you to control me. And you've always made it very clear what my weaknesses are, and how much of them there are. Okay, awkweeird had already told you in person that I was picking her up after the movie. So why did you go and take my car? You just tell people to assemble things and then you laugh at them and criticize them. It's easy to see whether or not people around you care about you. So, you shouldn't apologise for expecting someone to ask you how you feel about what they say to you.

Post 272

I blocked you from my twitter and instagram because I don't need your opinion on anything that I do especially when people who aren't even my immediate family are capable of being more concerned, empathizing, and involved than you are. I know what you did, and it's not something that everyone can just ignore. I know what your real endgame is, which isn't difficult because you've always been insincere about everything you claim you want to do for me. You've always been there when you need me. And you've always made it clear when you found me useless. I have a sister, and she's sincere in everything that she does for me. She was there for me and didn't expect anything in return. I have already seen who comments on my blog and who doesn't. And she wants me in her life not because i'm biologically related to her, or because I can run a random errand for her when she needs me. I already have a family. They don't view me as a liability. So stop trying to divide us for your own selfish needs. Like other people whom you once had, you missed the chance to appreciate the people who should matter to you. Even if I forgave you, it doesn't exonerate you. You caused so many people so many years of suffering and it's going to take many more years before we can ever build our lives back up. I won't waste my time on someone who's just going to be detrimental to me all the time. I wish you would leave me alone because you're always asking me for something, or taking something from me.

Post 271

Okay, so it's my 271st post. I'd just like to mention again how grateful I am to Pauline for letting me continue blogging here for as long as I have - ten years. Lately, i've been obsessing unhealthily with instagram, but on the upside, it was a place where I got to talk and continue to keep in touch with the gracious, endearing and kindhearted Rabi. It seems that all i'm good for nowadays is just playing with snapchat filters. Feel free to view my stories, find me by my handle @azreen1234 cause i've somehow been inspired to update regularly. I really want to watch How to Be Single. I can't wait to go watch it. Tomorrow night, there's this dinner thing that I have to go to with my family. My younger sister is really upset because she's constantly being dragged to things that she doesn't like, while other people get exempted. I like to meet people outside, because I have this rule about visiting someone at their home. I don't like it. And if someone wants to come to my house, i'll try to meet them outside as well. Or maybe it's that thing I have with always keeping people at arms length. I never thought that how I sleep at night would be a big deal for me. Getting sleep has always been such an issue for me throughout my life. When I was 17, I would try to sleep inside my wardrobe so that I can be sealed safe and alone in the dark even during the day, but it didn't work because it was so narrow and uncomfortable. I had experiences with a few mattresses, and I never thought that I would have difficulties with certain types. The worst is when it's really hot, like if i'm in a room that has a concrete floor outside. Then it would be so difficult for me to sleep in the heat and I would get so exhausted. I hated that period in my life, and I hope I never have to go through something like that again. I found it very difficult and painful to go through. Like I was in physical pain and exhaustion. And I became one of those divas who can't sleep without control over the temperature in the bedroom. I have this bad habit of putting people on a pedestal. I think when you're confident, it's easier for you to talk to people. I remember when I was 14 and didn't care so much, and wasn't really thinking until I caused trouble. No one likes to constantly be questioning people's intentions, and being self-conscious all the time. I decided to become really closed-off to people because I felt that it would be easier for me. At the same time, I always had this thing in me about comparing myself to other people. I also compare people to others, and keep talking about a certain person who I constantly recount how kind, intelligent and selfless they were, that it drives other people away. Because i'm always expecting so much from other people. And add that to my entitled, spoiled attitude and you have a perfect recipe for alienating people. My sister took me to East Terrace Continental today, for our own verison of the long weekend's festivities. There's a festival that I refuse to go to, and going out for a meal was the only thing I agreed to. I still had to buy sushi after that, because i'm so out of control and steadily blowing through my salary until I have none left. Tomorrow i'm going out again, and will likely end up doing more damage. Anyway, if there's anyone reading my blog, thank you, and if you don't feel comfortable commenting here, feel free to direct message me on twitter or instagram. Or even e-mail me at I'm very much looking forward to the premiere of the new season of Sailor Moon Crystal, which feels like a birthday treat because of it's release date.