February 2016

Post 270

I hope I never have to see even a photo of her ever again. I really hate her. She' still in touch with the people she met during that year. No one is going to block her on instagram just for me. Seeing all the interactions between people I trusted with people i hated really shocked me. Talking to someone that you told me was going to be gone and out of our lives forever is one thing. Being super BFFs with them is another. And I, only being able to watch, completely helpless, unable to stop it, without anyone listening to me, that’s the worst part. I’m forced to watch this go on and on. She totally knew that I had no choice but to trust her with everything. And she still went behind my back and did that as if it was so direly necessary. A person comes around, ruins your life, leaves, and then allows you to think that it’s gonna be over, but actually they’re still making you miserable from thousands of miles away. At first, you think, oh I guess they just talk from time to time. And then, they just contact each other more often, in more ways, and become so much closer? And then I start to think that if the person I thought I trusted is so willing to be such close friends with my nemesis, then what does that say about my choices and who I put my trust in? I feel like I just live for people’s amusement, so they can look at my life and laugh at me. Look at what I went through and shake their heads at me. So they can know what I am and feel better about themselves. Maybe I was never alone. Everyone was always around, always there to judge. Everyone has so much to say, everyone has their opinions and has so much time to share. Everyone likes to put in all this effort when it comes their turn to chide me for what i’ve made with my life. And that has always been the extent of their involvement. I have never seen any evidence disproving that people find it fun to look at my situation and tell me how bad they think it is. I can’t even expect pity anymore. Just amusement. They do! They like finding out what’s going on with me so they can laugh about how pathetic I am. No one’s given me any reason to believe otherwise. Suffice to say people who have gone on to better things and had great things happen to them have forgotten about me.

Post 269

Happy Chap Goh Mei! There are a lot of things that changed, and there are also things that stayed the same. Like, nowadays, I find myself avidly interacting with Teacher Yvonne, though I never actually took any lessons from her. Ever. Unexpected, I know. I met a lot of people, like this one really great friend and I have a lot of experiences to be thankful for. Being in a really big place, you meet lots of different people, you get really inspired by the great example they set on their way up the ranks, and it's so fulfilling to be able to learn so much from people like that. In the greater scheme of things, each person has different weaknesses, and bad things can still happen regardless of what type of person you are. Life is unpredictable, so there's really no harm appreciating your colleagues. You'll have to find me on my new instagram handle @azre.en because having numbers in my handle wasn't polling well. I haven't changed my handle on Twitter, Line, and Snapchat though, so on those i'm still azreen1234, and if you really want to go the extra mile then look for me with same numbered handle on VSCO. Feel free to hit me up at azreen@myself.com if you like e-mail. A lot of you know that I don't have facebook, and it's not just because I hate it. There are a lot of people from high school that I don't want to see again because I don't want to be reminded of that difficult time. It really sucked for me. Over a decade later, i'm still that same person with all those insecurities and jealousy and doesn't like to admit that he's wrong. I know that there are things from the past that i'm supposed to let go of, yet I still blame all those experiences for making me this person who always compares himself to people who are better off. You see a lot of photos of me with my sisters on instagram but even after all this time it's still hard for me to talk about my family. I don't know, maybe everything in my life isn't as complicated as I think but somehow I let it define me. So Hanna had a lot of character development on PLL when she left her prestigious position, instantly got replaced, cried on the shoulder of the most supportive fiancee in the world while trying to come to terms with her ex's newfound relationship with her bestfriend. Meanwhile, I was so in awe of Lucy Hale's gorgeousness as she plays Aria, breaking into Sara Harvey's hotel room and coming clean to Liam about writing chapters of a book she's only supposed to be editing. Then I was so swooning over Lucy's new pics of her makeover by Kristin Ess. It was so disappointing to see Amanda get sent home on #TheBachelor especially when her family was so much more welcoming to Ben than Joelle's. It turns out, meeting the families isn't for the contestant's benefit. In fact, quite the contrary. They actually had to advertise themselves and be perfect so that Ben will be happy and reciprocate with a rose. I couldn't help but feel like he was making a mistake cause he was crying so much. I mean, sure, Lauren's tour of Portland was a success, as well as the sister interview afterwards. But it doesn't seem fair to me that you have to be totally smiley, normal, blonde, all-around-happy-all-the-time-always in order to get a rose. Amanda was right about deserving to be told earlier on if there were any doubts or uncertainties. What's the point of all those dates if you can't see how you really feel? When the season began, Ben was so open-minded, and now I learn that in the end everyone has a "type" and they won't give that up. Okay so yesterday, I went to IKEA with my mom. We got a BRIMNES chest of drawers, a KNAPPER mirror, and a PORTIS rack. Now I know why I have the problems I have. If i have more storage space, obviously i'm going to feel comfortable enough about buying stuff to fill it with. Then I end up going back for more storage solutions. And even though I only want one thing, they still make us look at everything before going to the warehouse, so no wonder I end up getting more than I originally planned, which just makes my problem worse. So why didn't I just live in IKEA in the first place cause that's the only way I can truly have everything, and have it looking as perfect as they display it to be. Yeah, so I hate it. Anyway, later the guy came to fix the garage door to which we don't have a remote. Then I went shopping again 2 hours later, this time with my sister and we got her a bag from Factorie, which looks a lot like a bag from Sportsgirl (so it's a compromise). And then I went out again, like less than an hour later, this time with my mom. And to think, it was just the previous day that I was rummaging through the chemist bargain bin with my older sister (so much cool stuff and so cheap btw). So this year it'll be 10 years since I was brought on to frozen-wings.net by Pauline. I can't believe it, cause it feels crazy that we stayed in touch after all these years, especially cause I only got a smartphone in 2011 so that really amazed me at how it only suddenly became easy after a long time. Such a shame that time she visited Malaysia but we were unable to meet up. So yeah, CNY is over, my life is complicated in ways that I didn't know possible, and i'm still bitter about the same things I used to be. Coming up is Jessica's engagement party next month. Another situation where I will inevitably feel unsatisfied with whatever it is I wear to the event. Then, I have to explain again and again to many people that my situation is really unconventional, that I still live with my parents. Struggling with this weird dynamic where I look to my sister as my dad, and i'm unsure where I fit in to all of it. I can't believe i'm writing all of this. Or all the other things I wrote here all these years. But who cares right? I mean, other than the spam-bots.