You will always put your press, your publicity, your public image first. When will anyone look up from their phone when they talk to me? I don’t understand why i’m not important enough to anyone for them to stop scrolling their facebook and look at me and actually talk to me. Was I too ambitious to think that in this life, in this world, I could actually find someone who’s willing to put me before their social media? Will I always come second to their social media? Maybe no one thinks I deserve it. No one thinks i’m important enough, least of important enough to put their social media on hold even for a second. I was foolish to think someone would give up their social media account for me. Then maybe I don’t want to have to hold out for someone, or hope that someone will care about me. Especially if I know they will always care about their social media more. Relationships are a lot of work. Trust has to built on both sides. Maybe I don’t want to have anyone in my life, so that I don’t have to compete with facebook or whatsapp for their attention.
Ohno, my mom bought a new TV. Now really bad shows are gonna be on all the time.
So, everyone has their leave all lined up to spend christmas and new years with their loved ones. Everyone has plans, and they don’t have to be alone or feel left out. I have spent christmas and new years on my own before, and I did like being able to enjoy peace and quiet, enough to hear myself think. Nonetheless, i’m lucky to be able to spend christmas and new years with my family this year.
I watched Just in Time for Christmas starring Eloise Mumford, and it was so heartfelt and touching. I’m afraid I can’t say the same for Once Upon A Holiday. I can’t wait to see The Flight Before Christmas and Wish Upon a Christmas. Who knows, maybe after the holidays i’ll finally get the chance to go see Sisters.
I always liked to think that I was happy with who I am, and that was enough and I didn’t need anything else. I thought that if I had fun doing what I liked, it would be enough for me and I wouldn’t need anyone else.
Different things are important to different people. You want to be able to find yourself, be your truest self and do what’s important to you, but you also want to share your accomplishments with people you care about.
There are many people who have trouble in their lives recognizing their worth especially when they don’t get any appreciation from those around them.
I thought that if I had a blog, then I would know that people who read it are genuinely interested in my opinions and sincerely care about sharing thoughts and ideas with someone. I would know that what they do is more important to them than who they’re seen with.
I don’t know why but I feel like I lived and grew up in such a superficial town that it’s hard to know if someone just cares about their image, or they actually have real interests and priorities. I want to learn from a real person who sets a good example and know what it’s like to live your life guided by a cause that you care about, rather than placing so much importance on how much publicity you get and whether or not you’re seen with the right people.
I want to know if someone cares about me, or they care more about fame. Would they rather be famous or have people in their lives that they care about? If i know what’s meaningful, then i can make a more informed choice. I can know what’s best for me, and not have to compare myself to other more popular people and constantly be at the bottom of the totem pole.
For so long, I was happy to have work as an excuse to not have time for anything else. Maybe I wasn’t being compensated enough, I wouldn’t know, and I somehow decided I didn’t have to know. Maybe I didn’t care. Maybe it was hard for me to see past what I was doing in the next few minutes, let alone know where I want to be in a year. There are so many beautiful things in this world, and there are so many kind, generous, beautiful, amazing people who get to be part of it. There were always so many things in my personal life that I kept putting off. So many hard truths about myself that I didn’t want to confront, and being busy conveniently gave me a way to run from them.
I thought that if I had twitter, oovoo, wechat, Line, i could see who contacts me and how often. I somehow believed I was in a position to test other people and see how much they care about me. I treated every passing day as just time used to wait for something good to happen, for someone to contact me, for me to discover the truth about people around me. I didn’t think that if I wanted to be significant in someone’s life, I’d have to do something significant for them. My habit of putting people on a pedestal actually pushed away friends that I had right in front of me, because I was so obsessed with holding people up to impossible standards that I didn’t appreciated the few people around me.
If you believe in love, in its power, and you conduct your life with respect of its sanctity, then it’ll always be there to serve you. I look back at everything that I went through growing up, and I think it led me to have developed a skepticism about family as an institution. There can be so many different matrices by which to know a person’s worth. You have to know what you want, what you expect from yourself, and it will guide you to what kind of person you want to be. But if you can’t think for yourself, and let other people think for you, then you have to do everything based on what they think of you. If I knew my own values, I would know what would make me proud of myself. But instead, I just end up resenting that I’m not a more useful person.
I was so lucky to have the opportunity to pose with the amazing, gorgeous and incredibly sweet @alive_well_fair whom I finally met after so long!
In my life i’ve met many amazing people.
Sometimes when i look in the mirror I feel like I just can’t take it anymore. How will I ever stop wanting everything to be different. How can i stop that constant dissatisfaction. Am I letting it get to me? Am I going to turn into someone who continuously damages myself in multiple attempts to obtain something impossible?
Why aren’t I a part of something. I hate having this strange loneliness eat away at me. I have this strange dependence on a hectic work environment and long hours in order to distract me from what i’m really feeling. From how much I hate myself. People always ask me what that longing stare means, and i’ve been trying to figure it out myself. I can’t bear to admit to that I need someone to talk to. I like to think that I don’t need anyone and can be alone.
In my life i’ve met many amazing people. I wish I was like them. I wish i could be one of them. I wish I could sit with them at lunch or whatever meal they might have and be a part of their engaging conversation about their fascinating lives.
I’ll never forget the selflessness shown to me by people like Hud, Allia Najmie, Ariff, Lily, Fara Nadia, Airy. Some people I just really click with and wish I could always be around cause they make me feel like I can be myself and say anything to them.
I always thought my gift was death. Or that it couldn’t come soon enough. Maybe I just didn’t make the most of my existence like they did. Or that I have too much pride to admit that.