November 2014

Post 254

This is it. The last day of november. Please be good to me december. I hope god grants my wish and gives me safe year ahead. Hopefully no more being stabbed in the back. Hopefully no heartbreak. There's never really one thing that a person can define themselves by. What you identify as does not necessarily have any significance in life. No one wants to know who you are, just what they can get from you. For some people, they have a tight-knit family of friends. For others, their biological family are the same people that they have close relationships with. For me, it was never a choice. I'm just someone you whatsapp whenever you need someone for a task however menial it might be. "He's not good for much, but there's no harm asking," If people respect your time, that's actually a rare privilege. Not everyone enjoys that. I've always checked my e-mails. If you feel that this blog is too lengthy to read, you can always e-mail me at cause I always have been available by that method. And others, such as WeChat, Oovoo, KakaoTalk, Tango and LINE all by the same username, azreen1234. But of course e-mailing me is best for those who don't have a twitter account or any of the above. If you're not interested in me it doesn't mean that i'm not interesting. Maybe i'm just destined to be alone. It sure feels like the whole world has moved on without me.      Read More »Post 254

Post 253

I don't want to go if you don't even want me there. How do you expect me to decline something that wasn't even meant for me? I'm really worried about not being able to blog as often as I would like. I desperately implore everyone to at least visit my twitter if you find my blog without any updates. I haven't been feeling well. Right now I don't have anymore transport on my schedule, but a week ago it all came to a peak, and I found out how well I was able to handle it. Which wasn't well at all. I gave in to exhaustion pretty quickly. Dragging myself out of bed still hurts all over, and it's usually when I least expect it that my allergies will be out of control. I went to the first day of the Padini Concept Store 3-day Sale. The markdowns were pretty amazing. I wish I could always have that happiness of shopping. It's sad, because it's just an illusion. It's only temporary. The reason I liked being around people who are opinionated and assertive is so that I don't have to think for them. But the truth is, when everyone is always pushing their own agenda, there's no room for you to be who you are. Sometimes existing is the only choice you have. Some people don't even realize that they try to control how other people feel.  

Post 252

Well it's that time of year again. It feels like the holiday season starts earlier and earlier each year. Right after halloween a certain house already started hanging up christmas lights. This year I don't think i'll be doing much of the holiday traditions - holiday shopping, taking photos at each mall, trying whatever new Christmas drink is available at Starbucks. I don't think i'll have time, and not having Alina around, there wouldn't be much point. That's me, living my life according to everyone else's. It's really sad that i'm wearing pretty much the same thing in every other photo. I feel like there have been things that happened lately that made me feel better. For instance, Paige visited. I think feeling happiness after so long was something so unfamiliar. Unfortunately, all visits end, and seeing her leave wasn't that great. I think there were some changes that allowed me to revisit past moments in my life and look at them, rather than hide from my feelings. There were a lot of things that didn't change, such as this person that I really hate who continues to intrude where she doesn't belong. I still have to live with certain betrayals that I continue to face. Constantly being in question about who you can trust is difficult. A lot of past traumatic experiences still have their pervading consequences, and it's a struggle trying to provide the people around me with as much acting-normal as I can. I really hope to go watch Horrible Bosses 2 as soon as possible. I know for a fact I won't have time to go watch it if I wait too long. I was disappointed about Jen Aniston getting snubbed by the Independent Spirit Awards. Considering the cast for Cake, I was surprised that the film wasn't featured in, for example the Palm Springs Film Festival, or maybe it could be attributed to the lack of trailer, until this week. I was really sad that my yfrog account was deleted - along with all my yfrog photos. There are also a lot of holes in my imageshack account. So many images are just missing. It's a lesson in making sure you choose a secure service for image hosting. As I have announced earlier this year, I will not be posting avidly on my instagram account. As I mentioned, I had a lot of experiences, and after going through so much, posting images on instagram doesn't feel as fun as it used to be. I unfortunately still have a lot of reservations with my twitter account as well. I can't seem to tweet as much as I used to, cause I know that I can never feel the same again, and I feel like pretending like nothing's wrong only hurts. I am, however, still following people, and reading my feeds. I am grateful for the few new twitter followers I gained, and I think being able to look at twitter at all after facing so much despair as I did, is a huge step forward. I felt that enjoyment in reading my feed, which I wasn't able to feel for a long time. I only today opened Photoshop again, and it's been really long. I almost felt like I was looking directly at my past. I unfortunately don't think i'll have time to use Photoshop much anymore, and that makes me sad. Back when things were different, when i was able to feel happy, Photoshop was so much fun. I think it's pretty insane that i'm still using my same laptop at all after 4 years. All I want, all I ever wanted, is to know who are the people that I can trust, and to know for sure who are the people who care about me and want to be in my life. For someone to reach out to me, and take an interest in how I feel. For everything to finally mean something. Maybe i'll know what it's like for everyone else who always has someone to talk to, and have someone interested in what they have to say.

Post 251

You have time for press, you damn well better have time for me       -Juliette, Nashville

The thing is, everyone I see has people behind them. People backing them up, people they can go to, cause they have them. Everyone deserves that. To have someone who's just there for you. In the face of adversity, you find out who your true friends are. Who are the people who care. To the people who think that going home can temporarily keep you safe from the bullying, well, you're wrong. Bullying doesn't stop just because the perpetrator is physically a certain distance from you. You can break someone without even having to be there. In life you can run from shelter, but you won't know for sure who your enemies are. A bully can be a mean kid at school. So if you're done with school, you'll never have to put up with that person again. But school makes it apparent. At school, you're able to easily recognize who are the bullies, who are the enablers, who are the people standing up for you. At home, everyone is related to you. They are people you trust. You put your life in their hands. When you rely on people, it makes it difficult to recognize if they are bad for you. You can easily let yourself be bullied if you can't recognize who the bullies are. If you can't distinguish the people you can trust, and the people who really care about you. It's always nice to have company. But don't put more value to it than it actually has. It may not be worth as much as you think.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is.    - Meredith, Grey's Anatomy