October 2014

Post 249

I can't believe i'm finding myself resorting to The McCarthys for entertainment. As if that wasn't enough indication of how severe this is, i am also watching 2 Broke Girls. I don't know what to do. I kind of feel like i'm waiting to die. No one is going to come here and read any of this. No one is going to reach out to me and tell me that they want to talk to me. I'm just going to be talking to myself here for the rest of my life.
  • 12:00 pm           Pick up Adila from Proton 12:30 pm           Drop off Adila on campus 5:00 pm             Pick up Adila from campus 6:00 pm             Send Adila to Teacher Yvonne's house 7:00 pm             Pick up Adila from Teacher Yvonne's house 7:30 pm             Take Ashraf to dental appointment 8:20 pm             Drop off Ashraf at home 8:30 pm             Send Adila to taipan 8:45 pm             Send Ashraf to tuition 9:45 pm             Pick up Ashraf from tuition 10:00 pm           Pick up Adila from taipan

Post 248

Okay I had a lot of spam comments to put up with. Those are the only comments I ever get these days. This blog was supposed to be an easy way for anyone to catch up with me. Know what's the latest. Registering with my blog is optional. You can still read it if you didn't sign up. Hell, my tweets and instagram are open to the public too. There was always the question of why continue with a blog if no one reads it. It's a very real issue. It is entirely possible that i'm doing all this for nothing. No one will want to know about me, not enough to actually read any of this. They'd rather make their own conclusions about me and assume they know me. Anyone who stumbles upon this certainly wouldn't be impressed with what they find. In the past, it helped serve me as a reminder of who I was. And then a lot of my posts got deleted. I really miss those posts. Now I just trudge my way on as I always have, maybe it's because it's all I ever remembered doing, all I've ever known.  Yet I don't seem to be headed anywhere. A lot of people told me i'm still dwelling over the fallouts that I had. No one likes constantly reminding themselves of bad things that happened. What you did to me doesn't just go away after a while. You affected my whole life. I'm always going to live with wondering who I can trust. You're going to meet a lot of people in this world. Everyone has their own problems. You can't expect everyone to care about you. In fact, there are gonna be a lot of people who have to step on you to get what they want. Everyone wants something. There are gonna be people who only talk to you when they want something from you. What does your family want from you? Are you as important to your family as they are to each other? Are you a priority, and if so, to whom are you a priority? Colleagues will not want your friendship. They have their own. When the people who you trust start conversation with an instruction when they talk to you, or only talk to you when they need you to do something for them, then you have to reevaluate your relationships. A lot of things are going to happen at work. You are expected to cope with it. You have to meet demands and be productive. But who's going to be there for you through it all? Everyone has a professional life, but not everyone has a personal life. They may think they also have a personal life but it's actually a mess. You don't have to be imperfect to disappoint someone. You just have to make a decision about who is important to you. Who you wanna be there for. And that person who doesn't make your list - he's gonna be disappointed. Humans were probably put here to live with each other, and find a way to coexist. But it's clear now that they're not here to help each other. There are going to be people who know you're in trouble. There are going to be people who help you because of that. And the rest, why bother helping them?

Post 247

I've been having problems with PictureShack, the image hosting service I use for some of my images. I originally did not want to rely on hosting too many images on my own subdomain so that I can have more free space, and I was cautious about the possibility of maxed-out bandwidth from direct linking by others. I was making GIFs and the individual file size is very large, and especially at the time, too much so for Imgur. So i relied on PictureShack which had a higher size limit for each image. Unfortunately, the PictureShack server was down on many occasions, and my blog would end up with broken links until their servers were up again. Fortunately, recently imgur has also increased their upload size limit so I can migrate my GIFs there. Please find my latest photos on my PicYou account. For the past few months I have been posting on instagram at a reduced frequency. I started with instagram in 2011, and I liked what it originally was. It's obviously really different now. If it wasn't, I would've felt comfortable enough to change back to my original instagram username - my preferred one. I was going to make a WeHeartIt account, and was also deciding between EyeEm and SnapSeed, but considering that I already had my PicYou account for over a year, I decided to make it that place where I more avidly post photos. Using PicYou gives me more cross-platform freedom, as I can also upload photos from my laptop. Not many people still use their laptops as often as I do, but I rely on my laptop a lot, obviously, since I am doing blogposts on my laptop. Because of the limitations that I face with my phone, I inevitably have to upload everything onto my laptop. I have always been available to people on many portals. For example, I was on twitter since 2010. You can also find me on WeChat, Oovoo, LINE, Tango, KakaoTalk, and SnapChat by the same username. Finding out what people say to each other isn't actually pleasant. But it's often necessary. It's the only way to know the truth. I've made it clear, numerous times, I don't want to go near anyone fake. If you're only pretending to want to talk to me so that you can get me to do stuff for you, then please be prepared for me to talk about you. I've spent years just sitting here alone in my room. There's a lot that I don't want. There's a lot that I don't like. I have no choice but to be burdened by bad experiences because I can't afford to have them happen again. I see how people have friends and how they conversation with each other. Of course I want that too. But i can't settle either. Everyone deserves to be loved. So I deserve to stay away from people I hate.

Post 246

Happy October! This year is really different. It's pretty crazy. Last october I was miserable and really sad about a lot of stuff. This year I have different reasons to be miserable, so the fact that I don't have to continue being miserable about the same things is great. I don't want everyone to leave and for me to be left alone here. Everything that happens to me, and everything I do because of it, is because I have no choice. I really wanted to go to Marche by movenpick, WIP, and Plan B. Even if I get a chance to go to Alexis it would at least be something! I can't believe i've been using my laptop for 4 years already. Raya Haji is this weekend. Where will everyone sit? Or rather, who will actually come? What will they eat? I can't believe this is a raya photo from 5 years ago. I wonder if everything really was as simple as it seemed back then.