September 2014

Post 245

Very few people will be there for you until the end. The people you care about are either taken from you or driven away. I have to be careful about who I trust. I made many mistakes, and I had to learn the hard way that not everyone talks to you because they are concerned about you. When things are good, it's easy for someone to assure you that they'll always be there. You can have people to turn to. But that's totally different from having people who will actually be there for you. It's scary, but no one will hesitate to leave you behind. Because they have their eyes on their prize. No one's going to look back at you. You have to be the one to turn to them, and have a plan in case you're disappointed. Being a disappointment to others does not exempt you from being disappointed by others. And the same person can do both to you. It's that time of year again, and we're graced by yet another single from T-ara. I never thought I would write about it. If anything, the return of Nashville should be something that I write about - the emotional affliction of a desperate and abandoned Juliet while Rayna makes a difficult choice between Luke and Deacon. In fact, entertainment-wise, the premiere of Greys' final season deserves a whole recap and analysis blogpost. Speaking of Shonda Rhimes, there's also the pilot of the much-anticipated How to Get Away With Murder. I wonder when i'll get around to watching either of these. Anyway, last year, T-ara's Number Nine really resonated with me. Especially considering everything that was going on and that i'm still going through now. Sugar Free shows that a person no matter how strong doesn't simply walk out of a bad experience, and your interaction with people is the first thing to be affected and the last thing to be mended. My data gets renewed in 2 days! Now that i'm older, there aren't many things to look forward to anymore. When so many things have lost their novelty, and bad experiences plague your day-to-day errands, you resort to celebrating reaching home before your phone battery runs out. At the same time, you dread the approaching new day, which no longer feels as much like a clean slate as it used to. I have to decide for myself what's important to me. But I never got the chance to. Ever since I was young, i was always told that everyone else has it harder, and that I shouldn't want anything more. Completing a given task is always more important than anything I could want to do for myself. I value my time, but their time is more valuable. "All I want is to have friends like a normal person with a normal life" It was always made very clear to me whether or not I was normal. And if I deserved any of the perks normal people had. Friends and time with them. Those are such valuable privileges. Looking at everyone around me, I was really jealous. At first I didn't care that it wasn't allowed to me. But because a normal life wasn't a privilege that was mine, it was all taken away from me. Doing something for someone makes you vulnerable. You have to be careful and guard yourself. My mom told me that I should learn to say no. But rules only work for the person who made them up. When I had to spend most of 2004 and 2005 in Sungai Buloh, I didn't realise how distance affects you. A task of simply spending weekends and holidays at another house sounded simple. But there were so many things still up in the air. There was so much uncertainty, and seeing someone's behaviour to you in that circumstance can teach you a lot. Seeing someone act on their priorities teaches you how much you matter to them. I followed my family for a family vacation in 2007 and 2008. I was naive, and allowed myself to walk into something I already was very apprehensive about. Discovering your apparent purpose to someone leaves a mark on you, for a very long time. If there's one thing I could have changed, it would be to ask for help less. Because everyone expects something in return. But they will never give you anything for helping them. Do not ever assume that a person will remember what you did for them. Experiences help you to learn to make better choices in the future. And since I had a lot of bad experiences, I should know who to speak to, who to trust, and where not to go.

Post 244

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Hate is a lot like love. You can't force it. You can't fight it. You just have to embrace it when it comes along. -Emily Thorne

Well I can't be friends with someone if they're friends with my enemy. Growing up, my mom told me to be thankful for my siblings, that i'm lucky to have been born into such a big family. But I want to know the truth. It's strategic to make me put my family first. And thanks to what I was taught, that's all I have in this world. Literally. I have no other choice than my family. I don't have 504 friends at my disposal - no amount of facebook friends I could have would ever come near to as much. I'm not in an elite clique of socialites that are known by an acronym name. I was made to believe that there are people that I can't exist without. But it was made very clear to me that everyone else can exist without me. Everyone would get along fine without me, and I was constantly reminded of that. There was nothing that I brought to the table that someone else couldn't. No one else would ever care about me as much as my family does. Because no one else would give me the time of day. This is as good as it would ever get for me. And if I don't like it, there wouldn't be any point looking for anything else cause there would be nothing better. No one else would feel i'm worth anything. Except maybe a menial task. Or two. People can easily replace me. Because they made sure I can't replace them. That I had no other choice.   Well, today Adila is at a festival with her anime society. Aniza is doing her art assignment with her friends. Ashraf is going to a house party tonight. And that just leaves me. Of course, as usual, I don't have any plans for my saturday night. No invitations, nothing. Thinking back to all the things my mom said to me since I was little about always having someone there for you in a big family, and being able to rely on your brothers and sisters; all I can say is, so this is what it's like. I suppose it feels nice. Sitting by myself in this room. There have been people who have hurt me and humiliated me. They got away with it. They were rewarded for it. They're much happier for it. Everyone wants them, not me. And tonight, everyone is going to spend their saturday night with people who care about them. They're going to have fun with their friends. And they'll have those fond memories forever. While I wait here.

Post 243

Once again, a blogpost with no comments. Not that I would need to announce that. Because no one would read it. Time and time again, everything that happens in my life shows me that no one reads my blog. I mean, had they read it, they would certainly have something to say about what I wrote. Or at least not ask me a question to which they could have got the answer simply by reading a few lines from one of my posts. Everything I want is too much to expect from everyone else. But nothing I do is good enough for anyone. It's just really hurtful for people to constantly expect things from me while they could never so much as read at least my latest post. How come it's only important if someone else needs something? I can't be begging for help my whole life. Surely there's someone in this world who actually wants to talk to me.Read More »Post 243

Post 242

I finally took the leap. I cleared out my photo album on my phone. After uploading all my photos onto my laptop of course. It was ridiculous. The only way to delete all the photos was to select them one by one. I have already searched the support forums and could not find a more convenient way to do it. There were methods such as using the settings pathway. But that didn't work. All i ever wanted was to feel free and unburdened. The reason i hung on to them was because I constantly needed photographic evidence whenever I need to get my point across, which wouldn't happen if people would believe what I say. Or at least people whom I thought cared about me. Why does CineApps Malaysia not work anymore? Or am I finding this out 2 years too late? Okay. Independence day weekend 2014. It was actually okay. I ate at Sakae Sushi. I wasn't alone, like last year. But for things to get better, comes with a price tag. This is my blog. And i must acknowledge that there was a recent passing in my extended family. Life is always going to be unexpected, and you never know when things are going to get better or worse. It's really tough. People tell me all the time, life is too short to be enemies with people. Well, life is also too short to make up and pretend to be friends with people I hate. Just so that they can betray me again. It's really true. Life is way too short for me to spend even a moment with people I don't trust. So please think carefully before you ask me or whatsapp me for your next menial task. Life is way too short to suppress myself from bitching about people who manipulate me. Or rather, who totally deserve it. You want to tell me I shouldn't be spending my days constantly plotting my revenge? Well how about you apologize and settle things once and for all. I absolutely blame society for this depraved technologically-addicted culture. If people would just reach out to me and catch up with me over coffee or lunch, then I wouldn't be waiting on a text all day. If people didn't expect me to be available via whatsapp 24 hours a day, then I could use a much cheaper, durable, and simpler phone. My life would be so much simpler if i didn't have whatsapp. I feel like whoever invented it just wanted to make me miserable. Now a text message is the extent of one's interaction with me. So much for people ever showing up for you. Independence day was also the deadline for a certain phone trade in. Which turned out to be out of stock anyway. What a waste of time. I will never be able to find another option for me that's affordable and functional. Even if it was way over-budget and my mom was willing to drop some major cash for me, great functional technology is not available to mere peasants like me. You have to have connections and know people. So that the elite remain who they are.