June 2014

Post 236

Last year I had the worst Hari Merdeka ever. This year, no matter how badly my raya or merdeka day goes, i'm still going to celebrate my birthday, eat food, and watch a movie. What I realized is that circumstances are really difficult, and rather than allowing myself to be a slave to them and be defeated by the memories of how it went last year, I should take every chance I have on those public holidays to do things that I've longed to do. Everyone else will just have to understand. Another thing that's important is that there were people who, throughout my difficult times this past year, actually talked to me and treated me like a human. Many of them only spoke to me a few times, and did not contact me following that. I want to acknowledge that there were a few people who showed some kindness to me, doing it without anything to gain, without any obligation, and sparing the time despite the difficult circumstances. They of course have their own lives and probably won't be whatsapping with me, I've learnt not to expect so much. I know now, that because I have experienced these interactions, that I don't want to settle for being someone that you only call when there's something i'm useful for. I think it means that I have a chance at real human interaction, and I think it's worthwhile for me to look for it. Everyone sees me as this hermit desperate to hide himself from being judged, who's not worth including in activities, but I shouldn't care about that, and I should just do what I want because I feel like i'm worth it.

Post 235

I don't know what i'm going to do. Raya is around the corner.  That time of year when everyone takes selfies of themselves with perfect hair and makeup. And i'm just there. That time of year when everyone gets together and shares all the wonderful things they've accomplished. I don't know how i'll endure the humiliation. I did go through so much, it's been a really tough decade, but I have nothing to show for it. I wish i could have some mercy. I wish someone would throw me a bone. Honestly, I blame myself for always showing up loyally. I should stop deceiving myself into thinking that my sacrifice in participating int he happy family show will earn it's reward eventually. If there's something that you don't want to do, you have to speak up, don't just keep quiet, and don't expect anyone to help you. I have made so much effort to show up whenever my extended family expected me to be there. I have learned now, just because i make myself do something, it doesn't mean i'm going to be commended for it. I won't be coming for raya anymore. Unfortunately they will just have to understand. It's not nice to let them down, but I have to help myself for the moment. In the future, who knows, maybe I will be able to show up more diligently. I sound so old for complaining about technology. The truth is, people hate other people. They don't want to say things in person anymore. People can just look at my last seen on whatsapp to know what I was or was not doing. But when i look at other people's last seen, i still don't know if it means they really weren't online, or are just ignoring me.