April 2014

Post 233

Lindsay made a close to an eight-part story arc of post rehab footage, but she's well on her way to the next chapter in rebuilding her career. I'd like to think i'm looking at this realistically. There are photos, and there are things said on camera. Other than that there are reports. From all of it, there are a few things that can be extracted as evidence. I think we can all agree that your sobriety is private. No one really knows the number of days sober for any individual. There were missed filming days. That's a fact. Along with call times that were not met. We know that camera crew had to wait outside on a number of occasions, but we don't know exactly what was being done while they waited. There was footage of a game of dare taken at 7:21 am, but we can't say for sure exactly what was happening in the hours leading up to it. There are also reports about what happened at Coachella, which no doubt is convincing to many, but it's without photographic or video evidence. What I think was revealed fully, was the struggle in maintaining a relationship with your parents when they're divorced. No child wants to take sides. Maybe what she says isn't always true, but we saw for ourselves the conversations that she had with each parent. No single mother has it easy. Family is an important factor in anyone's recovery. It's clear from the footage, that these family relationships are complicated. Alcohol dependence is scary, but that's hardly ever really all a patient is afflicted with. We could all benefit from rehab, meditation, and psychotherapy. Ultimately any patient with a disease needs to be able to live in the community, and society has an impact on this adaptation.

Post 232

I am so sorry for what I did. I was in severe panic after I realized my mistake. Jun Ee told me to calm down cause no one took it seriously. I don't know why I do such stupid things. It's because I wasn't thinking that I ended up in this mess. I don't know. I was tired, I was hungry, I was super stressed about my whereabouts being known by people whom I didn't get a chance to explain to on my own, being in this lonely situation without anyone to talk to (in person), a certain flooring situation, garbage disposal, the state of my room. There were so many things going on, it's impossible for me to know what exactly is the cause for my amazingly bad judgement. Because anyone would tell me that i've always been like that, and it has nothing to do with so many things piling up at once. I clearly can't cope with everything that's going on. Everyone can see that. Everyone knows it. I obviously need someone to help me with things. Like i've said many times in previous posts, people like to be in my life because they want to watch a train wreck. Every day I dread tomorrow. There's just so much uncertainty about everything all the time.

Post 230

Once upon a time, S asked me to meet either during or after lunch to talk about something we were supposed to be working on. Then, i told S that I was going to lunch with C and that i'll go over the thing with her when i get back. I wasn't driving, and neither was C and I was taken around for a good 2 hours, effectively blowing off S. I apologised to her and told her it's cause I wasn't driving. And then I talked to V and she said that maybe subconsciously I wanted to sabotage her cause I didn't like her, especially after the things that she did. I was very worried. About what I was capable of. I thought I was making progress. I thought I was taking steps to being an honest person. There is something that is making me do things to people without thinking of the consequences. Or probably, knowing that I shouldn't but doing it anyway. There are clearly unresolved things in my past. I clearly have an issue with one family member. There are just things that I have never let go until now. And because of that  a lot of people around me are affected. Very often i'm afraid to say it. I don't think i want to have a relationship with my dad. I still hold a grudge towards him. I know it's not good to be so angry at someone for so much of my life, but I don't want to let it go. I don't seem to. I have been looking for a chance for my revenge on him ever since I could remember. I've had a lot of fights with my dad. I've cried and screamed and shouted a lot. Am I still throwing a tantrum? Is all that family conflict something that builds character in someone? Is my constant need for someone's approval and susceptibility to being used related to my experiences with my dad? Is all that family conflict a phase that should be over by now? Is going through something like that a part of growing up? Do I realize who i've made suffer because of it? There is a lot going on, there is a lot wrong with me. Most days I hide under the covers. Unwilling to face the reality, of the bounds of things I have to change about myself. I don't know where to start. And then, you'll tell me the most important thing is to start, even if it's anywhere. I will never know what it was I wanted from my dad. At one point of my life, I wanted him to change. At another point in my life, I wanted him to realize what he did and apologize to the corresponding people for it. I know that right now I want to see him suffer for what he did. I know that it's not right. A part of me feels like it's because i've lived with him my whole life, that no one else can possibly know what he really is. Go ahead, push me. Dole out that tough love that is so good at making everyone else build character and change for the better. Disregard the fact that sometimes facing it before you even get back up on your own two feet will overwhelm you. You can rationalize all you want and say that you're motivating me. There are many ways and many directions that you can push a person. You can just as easily push them right off a cliff. I'd like to see how you sleep at night then.

Post 231

Everything that I was supposed to have watched but missed out on instead

  • Frozen
  • Identity Thief
  • Beautiful Creatures
  • Something Borrowed
  • I Don't Know How She Does It
  • Spring Breakers
  • Admission
  • That Awkward Moment
  • The Big Wedding
  • The English Teacher
  • The Way Way Back
  • The Heat
  • Much Ado About Nothing
  • Grown Ups 2
  • Girl Most Likely