It's Friday and i'm just here. Existing. Dreading what's to come. I guess I should prepare myself for the worst birthday of my life. I miss those days when I knew what was going on in the world. When I was hydrated and rested. When good things could still happen to me. Last year, I sat down to dinner with a girl who bought me donuts, a girl who showed up even though she was exhausted and still had to pick up her parents from the airport, a guy who stood apart from people who judged me, and a girl whom I put all my trust into. They put a candle into one of the doughnuts and took photos for me, and everything seemed almost perfect. But that was only because I didn't know the truth. They were not my real friends. They have not spoken to me for months. It's like they've completely forgotten about me. I thought everything was fine. I allowed myself to believe in false reassurance. Now I know the truth, and now I know how bad that really was. I see now that the conversation we had that time was out of obligation. We didn't actually have anything to talk about. Now that I know the truth, I realise that the conversation was more awkward than it seemed back then. The whole thing was contrived. It was a completely artificial situation and no one was sincere. It was all false. They were doing a charity for me. But that one day was the extent of what seemed to be a friendship. Then why do I miss them? Why do I miss that? Not knowing the truth? Just because ignorance is bliss? I can never sit down to a conversation and speak the same again. I will always have a guilt in my heart, knowing that I don't deserve anything anymore. I can never sit down to watch pretty little liars the same way again. Not with that nagging feeling, that knowing, that I am in deep debt. Because of what i've done. And there doesn't seem to be a way that I can make up for anything or erase what happened. I can't be with the rest of humanity anymore. No one will ever look at me the same. All I can do is watch while the rest of the world moves on with their lives. I thought that after more than two decades of living, I would have found somewhere or some way where people could feel welcome, where people could feel like they're appreciated, like they don't owe anything to anyone, with nothing to constantly apologize for, people could feel like they're a part of something. I don't know if anything could ever make things right again. The car accidents were bad enough. Turning around and discovering that I had no friends beside me was bad enough. There's so much that I pushed to the back of my mind. I just kept running, but everything's going to catch up to me, and soon. I don't know what I'd do then. I feel like everyone's waiting to see the disaster that's going to happen. I don't want to go to prison. Everyone has their value. Everyone has something to offer. Was I looking to be used? Was it because of my misguided need to seek approval? Do I sabotage myself? Letting people use me was one thing. If I was going to do that then I shouldn't have complained about those people later. I think what it really indicates is how lost I was, and how desperate I was for human interaction. And there were people who flat-out manipulated me without me even knowing what's going on, without me being able to say no at all. There were many people who just trapped me, whether or not I let them. You could say I was a victim of my own bad judgement, but that was only true half of the time. I was also victim of some pretty horrible people. Who, of course knew exactly how to look sweet and sociable to the rest of the world. Am I aware of the patterns I fall into? Do I allow certain things to block me from making a change? I thought I knew. Some people think I do everything on purpose, and that's really unfair of them to say. I think right now, more than ever, not only have I seen myself being condemned by people who don't know the whole truth, but i'm also seeing it happen to other people. If you're going to tell someone "Okay, you know what your problem is" the least you can do is find out the truth about them first. And what's worse is that i've seen people just eat it up and relive everything that person said about them, and think that it came from such insight.
I feel like I just live for people's amusement, so they can look at my life and laugh at me. Look at what I went through and shake their heads at me. So they can know what I am and feel better about themselves. Maybe I was never alone. Everyone was always around, always there to judge. Everyone has so much to say, everyone has their opinions and has so much time to share. Everyone likes to put in all this effort when it comes their turn to chide me for what i've made with my life. And that has always been the extent of their involvement. I have never seen any evidence disproving that people find it fun to look at my situation and tell me how bad they think it is. I can't even expect pity anymore. Just amusement. They do! They like finding out what's going on with me so they can laugh about how pathetic I am. No one's given me any reason to believe otherwise. Suffice to say people who have gone on to better things and had great things happen to them have forgotten about me. Didn't you promise me that you wanted to be friends with me no matter what? Didn't you say to me that as my family you'd do anything for me? Do you even want to know what i'm going through? Did the thought of me even cross your mind? Or how i'd feel?
Okay it's been a really tumultuous past few years. I'm not just talking about the car accidents, all the fall outs that I had with almost everyone i ever had in my life, and everything that was going on in the world that I missed. Seeing all the interactions between people I trusted with people i hated really shocked me. Talking to someone that you told me was going to be gone and out of our lives forever is one thing. Being super BFFs with them is another. And I, only being able to watch, completely helpless, unable to stop it, without anyone listening to me, that's the worst part. I'm forced to watch this go on and on. She totally knew that I had no choice but to trust her with everything. And she still went behind my back and did that as if it was so direly necessary. A person comes around, ruins your life, leaves, and then allows you to think that it's gonna be over, but actually they're still making you miserable from thousands of miles away. At first, you think, oh I guess they just talk from time to time. And then, they just contact each other more often, in more ways, and become so much closer? And then I start to think that if the person I thought I trusted is so willing to be such close friends with my nemesis, then what does that say about my choices and who I put my trust in? Spending national day and malaysia day wallowing in my tears, christmas and new years alone at home; all of it made clear how prepared I am to spend the rest of my life alone. I may not be a wailing mess right now, but I still feel exactly the same I did that day. Even if it didn't get better, I was far from prepared for it to get worse. N calls it Murphy's Law. Rolls eyes. I can't believe information about where I was got leaked to people who had absolutely no business knowing. They had nothing to do with any of this. Because I know how this looks to someone who doesn't really have anything to do with it, I know that them knowing is only going to make them worry unnecessarily. I kept the details of my car accident only in my immediate family for that very reason. My whereabouts no longer being secret doesn't mean anyone is going to come looking for me, cause let's face it, when I was within convenient range for everyone it's not like they wanted to take an interest anyway. I feel like i've lost so much already. The last thing I need was for me to lose all my secrets too. I'm like trying to hold on to something, looking for something that I could even grasp. But I have nothing left. My nemesis won. Game over. Well it wasn't a game for me, this was my life! And she had to play god and decide on a whim that she wants to ruin it. If you read my blog, then you would have gone through this, this, and this link. If you've never been through to any of those URLs then clearly you don't even know my name or who i am. Which means that the only reason you're reading this blog is if someone opened it on your computer and then left it there. Or someone forced you to read it. There are ways of keeping updated about me. If you read my blog, you would know that Orange Is The New Black is my only exception to violence on tv. Save for Buffy and Angel. If you wanted to know how I am or what's going on with me, you would have read on twitter that I am so hanging on to every minute of Lindsay on OWN TV. If you want me to make everything convenient and easy for you, then clearly you wouldn't have ever read any of this in the first place, and I probably would never speak to you.
- for that dreaded event next week to never come
- my debts paid
- for my secrets taken back unleaked
- for someone to read my blog
- for someone to read my tweets
- for someone to pick up their phone and call me
- for someone to want to see with their eyes what it is i go through
- for my revenge on those who took from me and humiliated me
- for someone to save me from these horrible circumstances so I can finally watch all those movies I missed out on
- IPL hair removal
- actually I just want everything to end, so I can finally rest