It’s Friday and i’m just here. Existing. Dreading what’s to come. I guess I should prepare myself for the worst birthday of my life. I miss those days when I knew what was going on in the world. When I was hydrated and rested. When good things could still happen to me.
Last year, I sat down to dinner with a girl who bought me donuts, a girl who showed up even though she was exhausted and still had to pick up her parents from the airport, a guy who stood apart from people who judged me, and a girl whom I put all my trust into. They put a candle into one of the doughnuts and took photos for me, and everything seemed almost perfect. But that was only because I didn’t know the truth. They were not my real friends. They have not spoken to me for months. It’s like they’ve completely forgotten about me. I thought everything was fine. I allowed myself to believe in false reassurance. Now I know the truth, and now I know how bad that really was. I see now that the conversation we had that time was out of obligation. We didn’t actually have anything to talk about. Now that I know the truth, I realise that the conversation was more awkward than it seemed back then. The whole thing was contrived. It was a completely artificial situation and no one was sincere. It was all false. They were doing a charity for me. But that one day was the extent of what seemed to be a friendship.
Then why do I miss them? Why do I miss that? Not knowing the truth? Just because ignorance is bliss? I can never sit down to a conversation and speak the same again. I will always have a guilt in my heart, knowing that I don’t deserve anything anymore. I can never sit down to watch pretty little liars the same way again. Not with that nagging feeling, that knowing, that I am in deep debt. Because of what i’ve done. And there doesn’t seem to be a way that I can make up for anything or erase what happened.
I can’t be with the rest of humanity anymore. No one will ever look at me the same. All I can do is watch while the rest of the world moves on with their lives. I thought that after more than two decades of living, I would have found somewhere or some way where people could feel welcome, where people could feel like they’re appreciated, like they don’t owe anything to anyone, with nothing to constantly apologize for, people could feel like they’re a part of something. I don’t know if anything could ever make things right again. The car accidents were bad enough. Turning around and discovering that I had no friends beside me was bad enough. There’s so much that I pushed to the back of my mind. I just kept running, but everything’s going to catch up to me, and soon. I don’t know what I’d do then. I feel like everyone’s waiting to see the disaster that’s going to happen. I don’t want to go to prison.
Everyone has their value. Everyone has something to offer. Was I looking to be used? Was it because of my misguided need to seek approval? Do I sabotage myself? Letting people use me was one thing. If I was going to do that then I shouldn’t have complained about those people later. I think what it really indicates is how lost I was, and how desperate I was for human interaction. And there were people who flat-out manipulated me without me even knowing what’s going on, without me being able to say no at all. There were many people who just trapped me, whether or not I let them. You could say I was a victim of my own bad judgement, but that was only true half of the time. I was also victim of some pretty horrible people. Who, of course knew exactly how to look sweet and sociable to the rest of the world.
Am I aware of the patterns I fall into? Do I allow certain things to block me from making a change? I thought I knew. Some people think I do everything on purpose, and that’s really unfair of them to say. I think right now, more than ever, not only have I seen myself being condemned by people who don’t know the whole truth, but i’m also seeing it happen to other people. If you’re going to tell someone “Okay, you know what your problem is” the least you can do is find out the truth about them first. And what’s worse is that i’ve seen people just eat it up and relive everything that person said about them, and think that it came from such insight.