December 2013

Post 224

No, i'm not happy - far from it. Yes, i do have things to be thankful for such as my life, my health, a roof over my head, the meal I had today. I'm desperately reaching out to my cousins, the only people who whatsapped me back saying happy new year. But i'm being 100% honest when I say that this beyond the worst new year's eve ever. Tonight at midnight i'm going to be alone at home, in bed, staring at the ceiling. No gathering, no friends, no photos of which to post. I have nothing. I had to watch everyone else be with the people they care about and talk about the plans that they've made to celebrate everything they've achieved this year. Instagram is gonna be full of everyone's new year's eve photos. I'm having dinner by myself at home. No countdown, and I don't even know what other people are doing to celebrate. I don't even know what's going on in the world, cause I have no one to hear about it from. No twitter replies, and look at my blogposts. Half of the comments are by me. If it wasn't for my younger sister I wouldn't have any at all. Sure, I have my family. But guess what? They're not even by my side! I'm completely alone today and tomorrow. Everything that happened this year, the loss, the pain, the frustration, the disaster, I don't know what i'm supposed to have left or how to go on. I lost so much, it's been so hard. I hated this year. And after all this struggle I still couldn't make anything better. I'm in exactly the same state I was in that day on 29 August. How can I go onto 2014 if i'm still not done trying to fix everything that happened to me in 2013? I can't move forward like everyone else after everything that's happened. Everyone else has so much to be excited for. So much to look forward to. So much to be happy about. And it's all being wrapped nicely for them. Everyone else has new lives, new beginnings to wake up to tomorrow. 2013 came and just ate away at my self-confidence, leaving me to feel completely lost and alone. And now it's just going to end and leave me. With nothing.

Post 223

Well just because i'm better off alone doesn't mean I like it. I wish I was like all those populars cause they're so cheerful and fun to hang out with, that people couldn't leave them alone if they tried. I wish I could have that kind of personality so that I could be accepted. I was never able to copy the correct behaviour that society expected of me. I want to end this struggle that I have had my whole life. I could never pretend well enough to be normal. I always be myself instead. The populars always have something funny to say, they're always making fun plans. Together. Those are the girls who always had people around them and was constantly in conversation. To be in constant adoration. I'll never know what it's like to be those people.   At least being alone lets me hear my own thoughts. At least I have some space to exist. Since I don't know how else to be other than myself, I need that privacy to not be pressured into doing something that i don't want to. Or be told how to think and what to feel. I suppose I should take advantage of this. And just breathe.   Just because I get to be with my family and take lots of photos and eat lots of food and see places, doesn't mean i'm going to enjoy stressful arrangements packing and long plane rides. Just because I opt out in order to avoid the stressful packing and travel itineraries doesn't mean i'm happy to forego the trip either. In my life, everything's always been damned if you do, damned if you don't. And then people will tell me, since you're still damned, then might as well do it! And then i'm just left to exhale sharply in exasperation. No one believes me, but my hands are tied! This isn't a choice that I get to make, i'm just a slave to circumstance. Everything that happened in my life forced me to make decisions that i'm never necessarily happy with. I mean have none of you ever been in debt before? So here I am.

Post 222

I feel that I am badly in need of people. But everyone seems to leave. Maybe I need legal council with me at all times. That might even make up for my indifference to what people say to me or what's happening around me. This year was the first youtube music awards. This year my coutnry had a general election. It was also the year that Nelson Mandela, Paul Walker, and Cory Monteith passed away. There's nothing about my life that I would want to celebrate. I'm certainly not going to celebrate my birthday next year. After everything that i've been through this past year, all I ended up with is disappointment. Not that it didn't happen before. Which is why i'm starting to think that maybe that's all i'll ever have in my life.

Post 221

I don't know what to do. I've lost so much already. The past few months have been really hard. I feel like everyone is leaving me. I don't have many people in my life. I usually spend my weekends at home. I'm just in a really bad place, and I don't know how much more I can take.   I don't think there's any use talking about it anymore. I think it's way past that now. I don't think I can get myself out from under this. It clearly was never something i could handle all by myself. I don't know if anyone would ever save me. Is my only hope now a miracle to fall into my lap?