Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 31-12-2013
No, i’m not happy – far from it. Yes, i do have things to be thankful for such as my life, my health, a roof over my head, the meal I had today. I’m desperately reaching out to my cousins, the only people who whatsapped me back saying happy new year. But i’m being 100% honest when I say that this beyond the worst new year’s eve ever. Tonight at midnight i’m going to be alone at home, in bed, staring at the ceiling. No gathering, no friends, no photos of which to post. I have nothing. I had to watch everyone else be with the people they care about and talk about the plans that they’ve made to celebrate everything they’ve achieved this year. Instagram is gonna be full of everyone’s new year’s eve photos. I’m having dinner by myself at home. No countdown, and I don’t even know what other people are doing to celebrate. I don’t even know what’s going on in the world, cause I have no one to hear about it from. No twitter replies, and look at my blogposts. Half of the comments are by me. If it wasn’t for my younger sister I wouldn’t have any at all. Sure, I have my family. But guess what? They’re not even by my side! I’m completely alone today and tomorrow.
Everything that happened this year, the loss, the pain, the frustration, the disaster, I don’t know what i’m supposed to have left or how to go on. I lost so much, it’s been so hard. I hated this year. And after all this struggle I still couldn’t make anything better. I’m in exactly the same state I was in that day on 29 August. How can I go onto 2014 if i’m still not done trying to fix everything that happened to me in 2013? I can’t move forward like everyone else after everything that’s happened.
Everyone else has so much to be excited for. So much to look forward to. So much to be happy about. And it’s all being wrapped nicely for them. Everyone else has new lives, new beginnings to wake up to tomorrow. 2013 came and just ate away at my self-confidence, leaving me to feel completely lost and alone. And now it’s just going to end and leave me. With nothing.
Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 29-12-2013
Well just because i’m better off alone doesn’t mean I like it. I wish I was like all those populars cause they’re so cheerful and fun to hang out with, that people couldn’t leave them alone if they tried. I wish I could have that kind of personality so that I could be accepted. I was never able to copy the correct behaviour that society expected of me. I want to end this struggle that I have had my whole life. I could never pretend well enough to be normal. I always be myself instead. The populars always have something funny to say, they’re always making fun plans. Together. Those are the girls who always had people around them and was constantly in conversation. To be in constant adoration. I’ll never know what it’s like to be those people.
At least being alone lets me hear my own thoughts. At least I have some space to exist. Since I don’t know how else to be other than myself, I need that privacy to not be pressured into doing something that i don’t want to. Or be told how to think and what to feel. I suppose I should take advantage of this. And just breathe.
Just because I get to be with my family and take lots of photos and eat lots of food and see places, doesn’t mean i’m going to enjoy stressful arrangements packing and long plane rides. Just because I opt out in order to avoid the stressful packing and travel itineraries doesn’t mean i’m happy to forego the trip either. In my life, everything’s always been damned if you do, damned if you don’t. And then people will tell me, since you’re still damned, then might as well do it! And then i’m just left to exhale sharply in exasperation. No one believes me, but my hands are tied! This isn’t a choice that I get to make, i’m just a slave to circumstance. Everything that happened in my life forced me to make decisions that i’m never necessarily happy with. I mean have none of you ever been in debt before? So here I am.
Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 16-12-2013
I feel that I am badly in need of people. But everyone seems to leave. Maybe I need legal council with me at all times. That might even make up for my indifference to what people say to me or what’s happening around me.
This year was the first youtube music awards. This year my coutnry had a general election. It was also the year that Nelson Mandela, Paul Walker, and Cory Monteith passed away.
There’s nothing about my life that I would want to celebrate. I’m certainly not going to celebrate my birthday next year. After everything that i’ve been through this past year, all I ended up with is disappointment. Not that it didn’t happen before. Which is why i’m starting to think that maybe that’s all i’ll ever have in my life.
Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 12-12-2013
I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost so much already. The past few months have been really hard. I feel like everyone is leaving me. I don’t have many people in my life. I usually spend my weekends at home. I’m just in a really bad place, and I don’t know how much more I can take.
I don’t think there’s any use talking about it anymore. I think it’s way past that now. I don’t think I can get myself out from under this. It clearly was never something i could handle all by myself. I don’t know if anyone would ever save me. Is my only hope now a miracle to fall into my lap?
Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 11-12-2013
My 2013 in review. Easy. It’s without a doubt the worst year in my whole life. Ever. Totally sucks. And i’m hating every second of it right now. I went from taking photos and having lunch with friends to no one speaking to me. Forget about shows that I liked getting cancelled. I have no reason to watch any other shows anymore. Do i even have a reason to do anything else anymore? Worst part is that everything bad that happened in this year is going to constantly follow me for every subsequent year in my whole life. This year was just so bad that it put me under all this tragedy that i’ll never be able to get out from. I hate being me. All i can do now is watch people sitting at their tables with their loved ones, enjoying their food and each other’s company, talking about everything they accomplished this year, spending their new year’s eve the way they want to spend the rest of their following year. I’ll just be here, watching in envy as the rest of the world goes by, everyone has a life that they built for themselves. and they get to reap their rewards and share it with the people who care about them.
I know that this is my life and I can change it. Everything that’s happened made me really sad. A lot of the time i’m really numb. But now and again, i’m going to be angry too. Call me a @#$% if you want, i’ve been called everything else. I don’t know how else i’m supposed to react. I don’t know how else i’m supposed to be. I’m a mess, and I doubt that anything’s going to make it better.
Posted by azreen | Posted in Uncategorized | Posted on 07-12-2013
It’s amazing what people try to control when they feel like they’re not in control.
How do you think I would feel? Why would you want me to act like i’m fine? The more i pretend i’m happy, the worse i’ll feel. Yes you can say no, it’s your life! Talking about what I don’t need isn’t going to help me. There’s no use complaining about being manipulated if I keep surrounding myself with manipulators. I need to decide what I want to do and go do it, finally get what I need! Then no one’s going to have the chance to use me for anything! If you want to know about my life, talk to me — don’t blame me for not telling you and then complain that you don’t have time to listen to me!
This year i’m not joining the family for another trip to visit, or rather crash in on, Sybilla. And her life. Sure, going there is always fun, but when i’m back – i don’t want to put myself through that again. Forget about the travel expenses, I just can’t afford being sad to leave and missing everyone so much. And wishing so desperately to have everyone else’s life but mine. No one believes this, but I need to spare myself the emotional affliction. You think organizing a trip is a feat, it’s actually trying to endure leaving that’s the real ordeal. That’s what you don’t want. A trip can end up a mess, and people argue, but that’s nothing compared to being left with time spent but people miles away. I wish i could go, but i can’t risk things getting anymore complicated than they already are.
Except for the things you did wrong, you did everything else right. Right? What if your focus splits? What if you can’t be all in? Are you left with nothing at all?
I’m scared, I want to keep on living. When you have those moments where you just want the ground to swallow you up, what if you multiplied that by every hour every minute? I can’t just waste myself hoping that all of this will pass when clearly it’s never going away. I can’t even cry anymore. I feel really scared and angry and frustrated but at the same time I feel like i’m numb to everything. Like I just don’t react anymore.