Okay so it’s the last day of July, and i’m really sad as you could probably tell from my recent tweets. Another month gone. I feel like nothing impactful has happened throughout my life, nothing that helped me progress and develop into something or anything more. I can’t have it all, I need something to step to, to steady myself. I know it’s a pretty lame metaphor, but I feel like my life isn’t really going anywhere, because there’re no triggers. Like there’s no catalyst. I know it’s actually supposed to come from me, but how am I supposed to build my whole life from scratch? Like if it’s not chaotic and stressful just because i’m at a downswing trying to get back something i lost or fix something that’s broken like a showerhead, then there’s just stability but nothing great happens either, like my life is just constantly trying to avoid more losses and constantly dreading what’s the next bad thing that’s gonna happen, and because of that I feel like my mind is regressing. I’m becoming stupider. I didn’t even know that was possible. I feel like meeting many different types of people in life instead of inspiring me to achieve more or to expand my horizons, it just made me more scared and closed off from possibilities that i might lose my normal routine.
Okay, so I acknowledge that there are a lot of broken links especially for the images on my blog. So right now i’m just going to post a bunch of other pictures to make up for it! Meanwhile, i’m going to take my time with the broken links. There sure are a lot of them. I really want to go watch Now You See Me, Oz the Great and Powerful, and Identity Thief! In other news, i’ve been unwell for a week. It started on Friday 12 July with this fever and really bad body pain. Then I continued to have body pain for 6 days, and now my body is completely pain-free. But that Friday I was really nauseated, and it was so bad that it made it super hard for me to eat because everything tasted and smelled different and I ended up needing to drink after every bite because I couldn’t stand how bad everything tastes. By Thursday I wasn’t nauseated anymore, but I was still having really low appettite. And right now i’m still so tired. I feel so wiped out like I just can’t go on. This is the worst timing for me to get this sick, although I should have seen it coming since the last time I had this was exactly a year ago, although that time it completely went away after one really horrible weekend of barely being able to get out of bed. My sister says I need to drink more water, so hopefully i’ll feel better after I re-hydrate.
I was really upset that day when I arrived at Sarah’s wedding with dying phone battery and hence was unable to take pictures. Her mom then shocked me by remembering me. I was like wow, I am of consequence to you. Anyway, I had a really bad week not just because I was sick, but also because there’re so many people I miss and wish I could be with. And next week is another killer week. I just feel so tortured when I’m trapped with people I really hate and don’t wanna be around. Sometimes I just feel like I give up on life.
Living without photoshop is really sad. I downloaded Copy, an app that gives you 15GB of free storage. But honestly it’ll never be the same. I miss saving things onto your hard disk space. How am I supposed to let go of photos that I’ve taken, especially when that moment may never come again for me? Will i ever be in that situation with appropriate distance from the subject which was also coincidentally in good lighting? How am I supposed to cope with all this change? I just want to be free, I don’t want to be chained down by technology. I don’t want to have to be burdened by e-mail notifications. I just want to drop off the face of the earth.