April 2013

Post 212

I really feel like I can't cope. This is just too hard, i'm shaking right now. I miss my sisters and brother. Two days ago I sat down and watched tv for a while -- it was insane! I can't believe i've forgot the feeling. I just need to be allowed the space to feel what i'm feeling. I'm so exhausted, I feel like i'm gonna collapse. I'm so scared to find out what's going to go wrong next. I just really need a reprieve. I need to just sleep.

Post 211

I can never have 440 friends on facebook, nor would any photo of me ever garner as many as 27 likes. Where I come from, everyone is beautiful intelligent and athletic, and I everything that I wanted came from comparing myself to other people all the time, and i only knew how to be in constant envy of other people. But I want to know what it feels like to have that much attention. Obviously people think that i'm really shallow for wanting something like that, but what no one realises is that it's something that I only deceived myself into wanting, as a result if it being put in front of me so much. A lot of people don't know this, but I actually wanted a normal life too. It's just something i'll never have, that's all. Ever since that window broke while I was in the passenger's seat I felt really angry with everything. As my life goes on it gets that much harder for me to cover up how unlucky I am, and just like the cracks on the window, it's becoming easier for people to see what's wrong with my life. Appearing fine and perfect as if nothing's wrong was never the goal for me, I just wanted to survive each day the best I can, but when faced with people I don't really see the point in me being there at all if all i'm doing is just miming this show where nothing affects me. At least all the popular girls have a chance at a normal life. I stood a zero chance from the very beginning. Why does no one think that what I go through is real? I really have no other choice, everything that I do is because i'm desperate. I don't have the luxury and privilege of influence. Which is something everyone else takes for granted. I say that because it's something that they not only could use to help me, but also because doing so would've been incredibly easy for them. It's so ironic who i'm always being told that I should improve this and that about myself, but the ones most capable of making a change in the world would rather enjoy their status and influence for themselves. I really can't wait for 78violet to release HotHouse!! They're so amazing, and as a lot of people know, it's a way for me to hang on to a time when things were so much simpler and there was Phil of the Future and stuff. Similarly, I really liked Mr Mr's Highway because it sounds so much like Hilary Duff's With Love. I'm listening to Demi Lovato's Heart Attack, and wondering if she really wants people bawling their eyes out listening to her songs. And I really felt like her song sounds a lot like Leave Me Alone by The Veronicas.